Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. True enough that people love to judge, and it can be safer not to disclose. The thing is, I'm not the sort of person who is inclined to hide my truth, at least not from relevant people; I don't have the energy or the will to uphold a false identity, and even the backlash from truth is ultimately less of a drain. I didn't expect my parents to get it so I didn't figure on directly bringing it to their attention (though I wasn't about to try and hide it either). I know their views are outdated, and frankly my relationships with them don't carry the same weight as those with my siblings - they are, after all, my childhood abusers.

My brother and I used to be close, though, surviving the neglect together as friends and allies. Now, he is someone I no longer recognise. The views he's expressed over recent years have become increasingly right-wing, delusional, mysogynistic, hypocritical and really quite hateful. Our relationship has been disintegrating on that basis for a long time. Now it is broken.

As I mentioned, I haven't said anything to my parents. I don't really have a relationship with my father - what there is, is very shallow. He sends me money occasionally, I think of it as compensation for his failure to be a father in any meaningful way. Any contact I have with my mother has been through my brother. I find it very unlikely she will make any effort to contact me independently, whatever she may or may not think of my identity. My sister knows, and though she struggles to understand, she accepts and respects my identity. She is the one safe family member from those I was born among, the only one trying to heal and grow. In my learning about trauma, I have found that it's a pretty standard pattern for only one or two people in any given dysfunctional family system to actually challenge and try to change the dysfunction. It's sad, and that's what makes me tired the most. How can people want to perpetuate misery like that?

Not familiar with Electric Fields. I like what you describe though, they sound fun. You're right about artistic expression being a very important vehicle for opening hearts and minds. Sadly there's always going to be the other side, the reactionary conservatives who choose to attack those of us who are just trying to live our lives with our honest identities. I really do think that people living thier truth is threatening to those people. Why, I couldn't say, but that's their problem and it's not my job to fix it.

As always, I greatly appreciate your support. Big hugs!

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

Yes, I think don't hide your truth. Be yourself and be proud of that, but also it sounds best to keep your distance from those who are judgemental and unsupportive. I think being open about who you are is often revealing of who the people in your life are who are genuine, good people to have in your life.

The world at the moment seems to have become particularly polarised. If there is a movement in one direction, there seems to be a strong reactionary movement in another direction. It sounds like your brother has been swept up in the conservative polarity. I'm sorry you have lost that friendship and support you once had. It's quite hard isn't it, when family are not what they once were. A distance has opened up between myself and my brother since he's been with his current partner who has been extremely controlling of him and I feel like the positive things that connected us have been undermined. So I know it can feel awful when distance develops with family. But at the end of the day it's important to stay true to yourself and your own values, as I know you will, and to have other people who are your current family, like hubby and Mr Feisty. I'm really glad your sister is supportive too even if she doesn't fully understand.

I think it's true, as you say, that often only 1 or 2 in a family system really work to break the trauma pattern. Sadly I see my brother strongly repeating certain patterns, especially those of my mother and he is like her brothers in certain ways too. There is strong emotional avoidance which he himself acknowledges at least, but a steadfast blocking of facing emotional realities and blanking out the emotions of others. I can't have an emotionally open, real conversation with him. But what I am learning is radical acceptance - that is simply the way things are.

I agree, it is not your job to fix other people having a problem with your honest identity. I think it's true that they must feel threatened in some way, otherwise why would they bother having an issue with it. It would be great if they looked inwards to see why they might feel threatened, but that can be fairly rare. That requires owning and taking responsibility for their own fears and insecurities and often they don't want to feel that vulnerability, not realising that vulnerability is a strength that takes courage and is a very worthy thing. They could learn a lot about themselves and grow if they could allow themselves to be vulnerable and self-reflect, rather than deflecting and judging.

Anyway, take care and chat here whenever it's helpful to do so. I think I'm going to have a lie down as feel like I'm coming down with a virus 😞 Hoping it's not Covid again 🤞 Lucky I just did a grocery shop so I can lie low at home for a while.

Big hugs to you too!

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Yes, being openly myself has very much revealed who my friends/family are, and who they are not. Thankfully my friends have remained my friends, and I wasn't wholly unprepared for what has happened with my (former) brother. We have butted heads on the topic of gender identity before. He sure ramped up the hate just for me, though. This is just one more place for my minimalist philosophy to come into play, I am removing toxic relationships to make way for better and healthier ones. No sense wasting my time and energy on this person.

Yes, we live in a very divided society, with much reactionary momentum and hostility. I guess it's always been that way with humans, it's just the argument of the day that changes. Yes it's disappointing that I have lost my brother. Though I had a very interesting conversation with my psych soon after, and I reflected that the relationship we had never involved really knowing each other. It was based almost wholly on jokes and memes, and talking about various media of the time. We were allies against hardship, perhaps not so much for each other. My psych's insight on that was that when we are in "survival mode", we are in the more primative parts of our brains - those responsible for fight/flight - and lack proper access to the parts that are involved in reflecting, communicating and connecting (which require a sense of safety for the nervous system). Over recent years I admit I have wondered many times if I perceived a relationship with him that was never really there.

I'm sorry you're experiencing that distance with your brother, too. Do you think his partner is like one or both of your parents? If he's following a pattern of living out his childhood trauma, he'll be in his own survival mode and not readily able to reflect, connect, or start to heal until he recognises it for what it is and chooses change. From what you describe it does seem like he's just following the toxic patterns, unfortunately. I've been trying the radical acceptance thing, too. I was trying to accept the limitations of the relationships I have in my family, now I am having to accept that I have to separate myself from their level of toxicity. After all, acceptance does not mean opening ourselves up to abuse.

I could be wrong, but my reflection about my former brother is this: he never claimed his independence, he never moved away from the family system and he never found any healthy friendships or relationships. He has become trapped by his choices, deeply embittered, and has steeped himself in an attitude of blaming others for his predicament - and also stunting his own growth with the idea that anyone who suddenly wants him when he has his independence (home, car, job, whatever else) is not worthy of him because they didn't want him when he was a bitter little man living with his mum. So he refuses to seek those things now, whether he wants them or not. How would someone with such deeply unhealthy views not be threatened by someone else being free enough to identify honestly, maintain healthy supportive relationships, and be happy as they are? It's everything he could have had and chose not to. So he's doubled down on everything our family system taught us. Judge, invalidate, reject and humiliate (or try to) the person who is attempting to connect openly and honestly. In essence, emulating and amplifying the very worst traits of both parents. It's so obviously just trauma and no actual person in there, and it's sad.

Oh dear, I hope you don't have covid, that would suck. Hopefully whatever is happening, you feel better soon.

Take care of yourself,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I think it really does help to not have people who have toxic behaviours in your life. I think stripping things back to the minimum and just focussing on the right people and situations actually changes the quality of your life. I'm about to turn 50 and I want my remaining years to be as happy and positive as possible. I'm very aware now that who I choose to be around matters greatly. My circle of friends has shrunk to a much smaller number, but those are my really genuine friends who I can trust completely and know I am safe with. I just don't want anything that isn't that now, so I think it makes total sense streamlining and giving your time and attention to where it is supportive, kind, reciprocal and worthwhile.

That sounds like a really helpful, reflective conversation with your psych about your brother. Yes, I think it's possible to be allies in a particular situation based on circumstance, but it doesn't mean that you are necessarily connected at a deep level. Your psych sounds really insightful and I'm glad you have her to talk with. I do think that survival mode can drive a lot of what we do, and it may be many years later that we see the full dimensions of a situation because at the time we were just surviving it and trying to get through. Maybe the relationship wasn't as you thought it was, but it also sounds like your brother has changed and kind of intensified into a conservative position with his views. So people can change too. My brother has become much more focussed on material and superficial things since being with his current partner. They went to this luxury-type accommodation for the weekend (not really my brother's thing in the past) and I asked him if it was a good holiday break. He responded, "the garden's weren't up to scratch" and he had nothing positive to say. I remember thinking my goodness, since when did he start being uppity about gardens not being up to scratch. It's like his values have actually changed.

You are 100% correct about my brother being in his own survival mode and unable to reflect on his current situation. He is definitely repeating a childhood trauma pattern. Both our parents had volatile rage and his partner has volatile rage. Although our dad could be abusive to both my brother and myself, he never hit or abused mum and was dominated by her in arguments. She would shout him down in the most volatile way. Now my brother's partner dominates him and he is quite passive a lot of the time. If he does try to stand up to her she responds with a rageful, childish tantrum. He will then try to appease her. So in many ways he is repeating past patterns that he as learned and absorbed. When he had partners who were lovely and not volatile at all, he sabotaged those relationships. This is a typical complex trauma pattern. I have done similar things in the past but I have got to the awareness and reflective stage, whereas my brother remains largely blinded to his situation. It's like he has some awareness but really doesn't want to look at it and do a deep dive to understand what's actually happening.

What you describe about your brother's patterns sounds like a likely correct observation. I do think those that haven't established their own independence and agency in life can then resent those who have. It's like they stay stuck in their disempowerment because they are too scared to address it, but then lash out at others. I've been dealing with an aunty (technically second cousin) like this who is trapped in a toxic family history that began with her family of origin. She is very embittered and was starting to take that out on me when she wanted someone to bully. I have now gone no contact with her as I know there's absolutely nothing I can do to help her as she is determined to leave her family issues unaddressed. To me it is like she is in a prison of her own making and she even tried to drag me into that prison when she wanted someone to bully. It's really sad because with a different orientation to life she could begin to heal past issues, but she's determined to be a very angry person instead. She does exactly what you describe your brother doing - judge, invalidate, reject and (try to) humiliate.

Anyway, take good care and you sound like you've got a clear perspective on things. I don't think I have Covid and feeling a bit better today.

Hugs to you,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Exactly. Whilst it's probably impossible to never have contact with toxic people - they are everywhere - we can at least remove them from places of influence in our lives. When there are toxic people in our inner circle, we remain triggered and reactive, which does not lead to safety or quality of life. My own social life has necessarily shrunk through my situation as a carer (never mind the burnout), and so it has led to much reflection, defining of boundaries, and honestly a lot of healing. Now I've knocked a few of the big background stressors off the list and addressed my physical health, my energy is slowly returning and I am allowing people and activities back into my life that I couldn't before. I am very, very selective about what comes back in, and much more aware of what must not. It seems that you have been working through a similar process.

Yes, my psych is showing some good insight and so far our conversations have been helpful. It's certainly true that I'm seeing things from the past very differently now I am (mostly) no longer living in survival mode. I agree that it's not just that things weren't as I thought they were, he has also changed. There used to be a measure of warmth and kindness in him, some amiability. That has warped into hate and cruelty that I don't believe were there in our youth, or at least there was only a small seed of it back then. Interesting what you say about your brother, it sounds like he has disconnected from his values and become quite cynical. Probably because what he values and needs in his relationship are not being seen, heard or honoured. It looks like a protective shell to me.

I'm sorry you are left watching your brother repeat the trauma cycle without reflection. I think we are both in situations where we would really love to see the people in our lives heal and thrive, but they just aren't open to it. Only they can make those choices, just as we had to ourselves. I understand the relationship pattern of sabotaging the good ones. Not that I really had a "good" one prior to my husband, but I can say the healthiest of my exes was the one I had the shortest relationship with. Even with my husband himself I initially gravitated toward his intellectualism and aloofness, I really got lucky in finding more to him than that in the end. In the early days there was definitely a lot of hypervigilance and waiting for the penny to drop. And there certainly were moments where our trauma patterns hurt each other - the big change was that we were both willing to hear each other and work though those things together, it wasn't just me in it on my own any more. It's taken years to really understand that I am safe with him, and for him to understand he is safe with me, so the biggest steps toward healing have been fairly recent. That deep-diving you mentioned is hard, hard work. I think it takes a very strong person to do it, and even more so to act on what one learns.

Yep, you've hit the nail on the head with that. I'm sorry you went through that with your aunt, there is nothing okay about bullying someone, and it's understandable you went no contact. As you say, you can't help her if she isn't willing to be helped - least of all if the pattern she is trapped in is harmful to you. There's a quote going around the internet that really fits this, "We are not required to throw ourselves on the fire to keep someone else warm". As much as I understand how very difficult it is to shift perspective and change things from a place of survival, I know it's possible. I've lived it, and so have you. It starts with is the question "Do things have to be like this?", and the courage to seek an answer. It's a risk, it's scary, and it seems not everyone has the strength for that.

I think I have my perspective in order, just a lot of emotions to work through. I think this will take some time to process. Glad you're feeling a bit better. Rest and care for yourself.

Hugs!

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Yes, that’s definitely a similar process to me. While a carer my social life mostly disappeared. I crashed afterwards too in terms of my mental and physical health. Now I’m trying to rebuild my life but I’m extremely selective about who I engage with. If I start getting the feeling someone is exploitive or is going to exhaust or hurt me with their behaviour, I just don’t continue with that situation. I simply cannot do any unhealthy relationships now.

I can relate to what you say about there being warmth and kindness in your brother in the past. Mine was warmer and kinder generally, though even in the past could split into a mean space like our mother. But his current partner has greatly encouraged a part in him that can be cruel. In late 2022 I’d collapsed into extremely severe perimenopausal depression. I’d never been so not ok mentally. He asked how I was on the phone. I didn’t give much detail but said I was having a tough time with anxiety and depression. Shortly after I got sent a video entitled “attention whore”. He’s done other similar things such as sending a GIF of something ugly happening in relation to something he knows I really care about. I know it’s sent from an ugly place, not a lighthearted joking one, based on the context. It’s those times I resolve to have nothing further to do with him. But it’s common for him to suck up to me again a week or so later by sending a photo of something like a nice sunset. But I cannot emotionally trust him anymore. I feel like I’m being played all the time by his changing moods which is exactly like my mother who could also be incredibly cutting and cruel. I know it’s so hard trying to reconcile these things but it sounds like your brother has crossed a point beyond which there’s no healthy way the relationship can continue. I feel it’s getting closer to that point with my brother.

I’m so glad you and your husband got through those trauma patterns early on. By persisting you got to develop understanding and trust. I think it can be easy to run away from the situation (I’ve done this!) when fears arise. I relate to the struggle with safety which for me is an ongoing challenge with people in life generally. It’s like you and your husband have grown together and that to me is the best kind of relationship to have. That’s what I feel sad about with my brother. He’s had partners he really could have grown with but he’s now with one who not only ensures a lack of growth but even a retrograde backwards step in who he is as a person. His partner has absolutely manipulated and messed with him and he’s not strong enough to be independent of those controlling manipulations.

With my aunt, there is a history of abuse in her family that she refuses to acknowledge. I was shocked when I found she was lying to me, pretending her niece doesn’t exist. Her sister had disowned her daughter after she disclosed childhood abuse from her stepfather. I never thought she’d be so awful as to disown her too. And her brother tried to groom me as a child and later went to prison for child abuse. She hasn’t faced these awful realities in her own family but by suppressing them she’s become bitter. Then from that bitterness she’ll lash out and I became a target as I so often have, because I’m gentle and people think they can get away with bullying me. So it’s shocked her I think that I’ve gone no contact, but no way will I go along with her lies, disowning her niece who was an innocent victim of abuse or get bullied every time she wants someone to lash out at. Like my brother she tries to suck up to me again, in her case by sending lovey dovey cards. If you look up the definition of vulnerable narcissist, that’s exactly her behaviour. I really relate to that quote about the fire. Sadly in the past I did throw myself on the fire based on the role I was forced into by my mother, but I ain’t doing it anymore!

I understand what you mean about having the perspective in order but still having the emotions to work through. I think there’s an inevitable grieving process, especially when you once had a closer relationship with someone and it’s changed. It can also be grief at fully realising things about the person that were not so apparent before. It’s that emotional side that I’ve found so hard with my brother. But at the end of the day you have to love and protect your inner being, your heart and soul, and allow in the good people and healing influences over those that are harmful. I know it’s not easy but I’m glad you have hubby and your happy family with Mr Feisty too.

Take care and hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Being a carer can really make your world small, can't it? For a long time the sense of loss and isolation were pretty crushing. But on the flip side, what was I really losing? Those who can't even bother to check in for years when they know you're going through a rough time aren't true friends/family in the first place. The space has been cleared and the stress of fairweather friends removed, and we get to choose what gets to be in that space now. Toxic relationships are not it.

Wow, that's really ugly behaviour from your brother. Even mine didn't do that (but our family dynamic is predominantly neglect/avoidance, so he would go with not asking how I am, and ignoring anything I might have said on the subject). The cruel things from my brother come when he is confronted with a question or statement he can't readily avoid, the peace is kept by remaining superficial - which I can no longer do. Sounds like yours is playing the trauma bonding game, trying to feed you crumbs of hope that you may have a caring relationship, between predominantly unkind behaviours. It is a profoundly emotionally unsafe dynamic. Seems like you and I have both been questioning the validity and safety of these relationships, and at what point they have to go. For me, a major boundary has been crossed, and I'm done. Appeasing a bigot is absolutely not something I'm willing to do to "keep the peace".

So am I! We have worked hard at that part of our relationship (the other bits have been easy), and have very much grown together. Feeling safe in other relationships, however - friends & family - remains a huge ongoing challenge for me, too. I think I need at least one consistently safe person in each domain to get much healing there. Still building my sense of safety with those who are there now, though there has been some progress. I understand your sadness about your brother's relationship choices and where they have led him. Unfortunately you can only encourage healthier choices, he has to be the one to make and live them.

I'm sorry to hear about that awful dynamic with your aunt. I'll never understand adults in a family who support an abuser over a victimised child. Mum faced a similar situation, getting a slap in the face from her mother when she disclosed that her father abused her. In that instance, it was Mum who cut off contact. Rightly so. All that denial can only turn ugly, and there's not much we can do but walk away from it. You made the right decision to do so with your aunt. So glad you are rejecting the role of throwing yourself on the fire for others. You deserve better.

The emotions are always the hard part. There is much I have had to learn about processing and healthily regulating them as an adult that should have been taught/modelled in childhood. My system keeps trying to shut them down and only rationalise, as per my childhood coping mechanisms. That's proving challenging to work with. Yes, I think there is a lot of grief about those things, though I'm only feeling glimmers of it, when my nervous system lets me (which frankly isn't often). It's got me feeling generally numb and somewhat disconnected from those closest to me, just like that last time I got triggered. Sigh. I will continue taking care of myself and doing my best to reconnect with hubby and Mr Feisty, and my friends. Mr Feisty is struggling at the moment with a difficult moult and has been withdrawn for a while, which is making it harder to feel close to him. I hate that he is distressed, and that it's been hard for him to connect with us, too. Bit of a rough time for our little family. But we are a healthy family and we love each other deeply. We will get through it.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I think that's very true, that you learn who the kind and supportive friends and family are when you are completely absorbed in a carer role. I think some people also avoid any situations involving care because it triggers them or reminds them of their own vulnerability which they don't want to know about. At the most critical point in my dad's care where he had to be hospitalised my brother couldn't cope so he went on a holiday and my mum stayed away from the hospital. It was just me going in to be there for dad each day, making sure he ate food and bringing him food as he wouldn't eat the hospital food that they were pulverising for him (as they thought he would choke because of Parkinson's when he was fine with solid food). One relative visited twice as well as a family friend once who brought some soup. I know that really cheered dad up because he had such a miserable time in the hospital otherwise. But many will avoid someone in care.

The neglect/avoidance you describe is what my brother generally does, but I think asks occasionally how I am through some sense of obligation, rather than really wanting to know. So I'm realising it's best not to tell him anything. I really understand you getting to the point of ending the relationship. Sadly I think I'm kind of at that point too. There is still a sensitive, caring part to my brother though, as there was with my mother. Yet like my mother (and her mother and brothers) he can turn into twisted cruelty which is a symptom of his emotional avoidance - he cannot stand his own uncomfortable emotions so he seeks to project those yucky feelings onto someone else. I am starting to learn to name certain behaviours for what they are in my brother - cruel, selfish, arrogant etc, whereas in the past I made excuses for him and chose to see just the good side of him. Someone else in another thread wrote about betrayal blindness, and I think I had this in relation to both my mother and brother, but I'm waking up to it now and seeing things in the cold light of day.

Yes, I think having at least one consistently safe person is an essential component in sustaining relationships in any domain. I've become so clear that the only people I feel really comfortable with are 100% genuine and honest people. I don't have to try and figure out their motives or find myself feeling uneasy in their presence. There is just a clear energy and it is nourishing and enriching to the soul knowing them. It is wonderful you have found that nourishment, support, safety and growth with your husband. I think our hearts open and we can start to flourish in those conditions instead of just limping along in survival mode. I am certainly tired of limping along in life and I really want to embrace life and thrive. Hitting a milestone birthday of 50 shortly has brought that into focus.

Gosh, what happened to your poor mum just sounds so typical, especially of past generations who were especially avoidant of admitting the reality of child abuse. Your poor mum. My mum's mother used to slap her out of the blue so I immediately feel pain for your mum. My cousin was molested from age 12-16. When she finally disclosed it to her mother her mother blamed her for the abuse and completely disowned her. This all happened a long time ago but it was only recently that I found the above mentioned aunty also denies the existence of this cousin (her niece). That was enough for me after other unpleasant behaviour from her. It's part of a chronic pattern of no one being willing to honestly admit these things happening and protect an innocent child. I am really disgusted by the behaviour of the adults around my cousin who should have protected and supported her.

I think being really kind and patient with yourself is important in relation to working through those childhood coping mechanisms of shutting down and rationalising. Perhaps that is something you can work on with your psych. The somatic body awareness I have done with my psych has really helped with that sort of thing. I somehow rationalised away a lot of things too, but they've still been there all along simmering away underneath. Gradually and progressively suppressed emotions have been getting felt and released which is opening up space for other emotional experiences and possibilities. The numbing you describe is very understandable as a form of self-protection. I think that's why it's important to gently titrate the process of connecting with, feeling and releasing emotions - to just go gently. Yes, we will get there. I hope Mr Feisty feels better soon.

Hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Very much so. You're right that there's an extra layer to it when the carer role in particular is involved, though I have found that going through any sort of difficulty that prevents me from being the primary instigator of communication is enough to see pretty much everyone disappear from my life. It's very telling that I have a history of drawing people like my family of origin to me - people who want me to be the only one doing any work. Those people have now helpfully absented themselves, and good riddance. I'm sorry you went through that with your dad, it's a lot to shoulder on your own.

Ah yes, the obligatory question asked to "look normal". It's really petty and awful of him to hurt you for answering it, definitely not safe for you to tell him about your life. I'm sorry you too are feeling like this relationship is near breaking point. I know what you mean about seeing a sensitive, caring part to your brother as well as the twisted and cruel part. People are seldom wholly evil, we see potential for healing and redemption, and that's what makes deciding whether to keep someone in your life or let them go so difficult. I'm glad your able to name the not okay behaviours in him instead of excusing them. Can definitely see how "betrayal blindness" might be a thing. I think it's something that comes up when it has first come from our "caregivers", as they are all we have at the beginning of life, and our survival depends on them. It is therefore a survival mechanism that keeps us alive as children, and very much stops serving us as adults. As for our respective brothers in the here and now, here's another quote that I have found very helpful, from Patrick Teahan: "Half-safe people are not safe". If they are willing to deliberately hurt us, judge us, invalidate us, etc. half the time, they are still hurting us. They have shown no willingness to work on that side of themselves or even reflect on it. Pictures of sunsets do not fix that. These people are just not safe.

Yeah, it's healthy relationships that heal relational trauma. Sadly something we just can't fix on our own. Tried that, didn't work! It seems we are both learning to really trust our intuition - if someone feels "off", they probably are, and do not get to be close to us. I hear you about being sick of limping along in survival mode. I'm not terribly far off 50 myself, and likewise want the time I have left to be spent thriving with the right people instead of stagnating with the wrong ones. May 50 be the milestone that sees you into the best part of your life. 🙂

Yeah, it's scary that pretty much a whole generation would rather further hurt the victims than hold perpetrators accountable for such horrendous crimes. I can't get my head around how anyone could do that. You were very right to get away from that aunt, and I sincerely hope your cousin can heal from what happened to her.

Yeah, I'm trying to just observe and acknowledge those coping mechanisms as they come up, and make the best of the useful bits (the analytical bit, mainly). Not judging, accepting that those mechanisms won't break down overnight, it will take time to train healthier ones. I will be talking with my psych about them, yeah. Whether somatic awareness comes up or not, we'll see. I'm finding that receiving compassion from others is generally where the feeling and releasing of emotions happens with me, it still registers as foreign and my nervous system doesn't know what to do with it, so it seems to let go of control (at least briefly) in those moments. Yeah, numbing out was hugely necessary throughout most of my life, I had way too much bad mojo coming my way. That said, probably because I was kind of expecting it, I haven't been triggered too severely by all this, and the numbness is moderate. I'm calling that a sign of the healing work I have done so far. Mr Feisty is still upset about his feather, but since I have begun growing more present and able to connect, I notice he is wanting to be close to me more. I think he was deeply affected by my weird energy over the past week, unfortunately, though I certainly wasn't trying to push him away - I would never do that. Much time has been spent reassuring him.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I think a family system can be sort of meandering along, but when a challenge arises such as care responsibilities, the fault lines can start to show. I think it’s telling that your family members are interested in you when they want your help, but absent themselves when you need support. I have cared for my brother when he has been in emotional breakdown. I’ve also responded to calls for help when he’s wanted help doing something like cleaning a rental to get his bond back from the real estate agency and many other favours over the years. So there I am scrubbing out an oven when I would never ask him to clean a flat or house I lived in. Basically I have been way too nice to my brother and always helped out, but he’s been totally absent when I’ve needed support. It sounds to me that there is a similar emotional immaturity in your family where they are willing to take advantage without being there for you, and I totally understand you saying good riddance.

Wow, I relate to that quote - “Half safe people are not safe”. That is exactly how my brother makes me feel - half safe and half unsafe, which because of the non-safety component means that things are unsafe. I found a birthday card in the letterbox from him. It has kind things written on it, and even his partner wrote something on it, the same person who has exploded in uncontrolled abusive rage at me and acted out in extremely cruel and manipulative ways. How am I supposed to take that? The actual lived experience of her in particular is terrible, and my brother is emotionally confusing, avoidant and intermittently abusive, in between showing some sort of semi-care at a distance. I’m learning to listen to how people leave me feeling as a really valuable guide. If interaction/engagement with them leaves me feeling ambivalent, confused and uneasy it really isn’t a good sign. So my gut instinct is to continue maintaining my distance. I also feel they want the social performance of things looking harmonious, even if qualitatively they are not. I’m not going to play a game of image over substance.

Thank you for the good wishes re: the 50 milestone and future. Basically I want to keep growing. I’m learning to prioritise myself and let my intuition guide me. I’m seeing my psych tomorrow actually and I’m in a sort of life review, wanting to go forward embracing life no longer encumbered by the trauma imprints from the past. I know those imprints don’t just magically disappear, but they can transform and I can come back to myself, the innocent me who has always been ok underneath all the damaging stuff that’s happened. I think all of us still have that innocent self and there is the potential for reconnection.

My cousin disappeared from the family system by the time I was a small child, so I don’t even know what has happened to her. She asked support from her uncle and my dad to go to the police. My dad to his credit was willing to support her but the uncle strongly talked her out of it. I don’t know how people live with themselves covering up child abuse. Today mandatory reporting is required by law.

Yes, I think that receiving of compassion from others is the most integral component in releasing emotions. Emotional safety is the context that makes it possible. I think us humans are evolved to co-regulate and connect. But trauma interferes with those powerfully regulating relational dynamics. While I was in the city I had contact with a number of really kind, beautiful people and there was an obvious great improvement in my mental and physical health. But only a short time back here in a town in which I feel lonely and I started to deteriorate again quite rapidly. I think with the numbing you describe, it does lessen with the healing work you’ve done as you say. It’s like as you understand and process the dynamics of the situation, it is still impactful but not as destructively when people act out in cruel and insensitive ways. For me this is where radical acceptance is helping too. And, yes, I think animals can be so sensitive to our emotions. They can be like a kind of mirror for us. I did some equine therapy in 2021 that helped in this way. I watched a lovely documentary on emperor penguins last night and moulting looks downright uncomfortable!

Take care and kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER