Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Often so, yes. In mine it wasn't the carer role specifically, it was entirely based on my ability to initiate communication. It wasn't even about work - unlike your brother, mine was willing enough to help me if I asked, case in point being that he took care of our birds while we were interstate for hubby's surgery. We'll always be grateful for that. Pity the person who did it isn't the one who is there now. The thing I'm feeling is that if I don't contact him/them, there is no sign of them wanting me in their lives at all, it's just empty, blank, nothing. The essence of my family system, neglect. Different from your family system and the rotten treatment you've had from your brother. Still profoundly unhealthy.

I hear you about feeling unsafe, uneasy and confused around your brother. I'd been feeling that with mine for the last few years, honestly. I couldn't talk about anything that gave me joy without him being dismissive or rude about it, or about my values without him having something nasty to say. He'd only be okay with superficial things. Left me feeling really sick and gross, not wanting to be around him. Sounds like a similar thing with your lot; a card in the mail is very superficial, doesn't require actual contact, certainly could be just about appearances. I think if you get a card like that and find yourself feeling wary and suspicious of it because it is so inconsistent with their more prevalent behaviours toward you, your intuition is working just fine. It's worth listening to your gut.

You're welcome. Sounds like you're on the right track. As you say, those trauma imprints certainly don't magically disappear, but we can learn to integrate our experiences into memory rather than re-experiencing them in our nervous systems, and can connect with that innocent part (the inner child, as many therapists like to call it). They don't have to rule our lives or hold us in unhealthy patterns. I think regularly reviewing our lives like you mentioned is a good thing to do; to look at where we are, where we want to be, and align with our goals and values. Actionable steps and real progress come from that starting place.

Ah, okay. Hopefully things got better for her. Good to hear your dad did the right thing in that situation, even though the uncle undermined him and shut her down. I don't know, either, it's beyond comprehension. I think mandatory reporting works more when an outside person observes signs of abuse, it seems to still get covered up a lot within family systems, the immediate danger of an unsafe family overrides the more distant fear about the law perhaps?

It is, and no doubt why it took way too long for me to start my healing, I had zero safe people (half-safe people, sure - aka not safe) until my mid-30s, and a lot of damage can be done in that amount of time. We are indeed wired to co-regulate, and trauma (especially during development) makes that necessary connection nigh impossible. I'm glad you had kind people around you in the city, and I'm sorry the isolation of said small town has led to you losing ground with your mental health. Is moving an option? Or even just something like video calling with safe people for more direct connection? I find text communication is good, but sometimes you want to be face to face and that can do a lot more for co-regulation/connection.

Yeah, as I heal I numb out less. For the most part I can predict triggers and work through them, it's mainly unexpected triggers that really shut me down these days, rather than every little thing. Until pretty recently I would experience multiple triggers a day just engaging with everyday life, and was really struggling to function. I still grimace at things a lot, but the big reactions have calmed significantly. Being able to feel and express that feeling in the moment with a safe person has done a lot for my ability to process those things. Mr Feisty is definitely sensitive to the mood of the household, as hubby and I have been doing better, he has been a lot happier and more communicative, singing and playing with us. I've heard about equine therapy, seems like a very valuable path to healing. Yup, moulting can be pretty uncomfortable and exhausting for birds, they need even more love and pampering during a moult. 🙂

Kind thoughts & hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I understand what you’re saying, that it is on you to make the communication and you are drawing a blank from them without a sign of them wanting to reach out and connect. That would be very hard. It’s like a repetition of the neglect you experienced in childhood that as you say is part of the family system. It’s incredible how powerful family patterns are and it seems to take a lot for them to change. Many remain stuck in old patterns, perhaps because it just seems easier and less challenging. I feel for you that you don’t have that support from them.

I also really feel for you that you’ve had your values and the things that bring you joy undermined by your brother. Of all the people we’d love to celebrate our joys and share our values with its family, yet sometimes they’re the ones hurting us. My mother had a way of trying to bring me down when I showed happiness, either via a direct attack or just becoming morose. Basically me feeling joy and enthusiasm often sparked a depressive episode in her. What you want Blue are people who will celebrate your joys and values with you, and I can tell you at least have hubby in that regard. And Mr Feisty too as, like you say, he senses your emotions and can feel when you are happy. It’s so delightful that he becomes happier, more communicative, sings and is playful when you are happy 🥰 I think bask in that resonance and let it heal those parts injured by others.

I think there can be a kind of unbridled joy with those we feel truly safe with. Whereas that safe/unsafe dynamic is always inhibiting. I did ring my brother to thank him for the card, but as always the conversation felt kind of constricted and stifling. There’s all this unresolved emotional pain that we both have that cannot be discussed and sorted, as my brother remains strongly emotionally avoidant. I know I can’t have a real conversation with him of any depth and there is always this distance that feels it can never be overcome. We both carry trauma, but I so want to be transparent with it and heal, and he so much wants to keep his head in the sand or use whatever distractions he can find to avoid his feelings.

Yes, I think with reporting child abuse, it seems family systems often self-protect out of fear of disintegration and chaos should certain truths come to the knowledge of the legal system. I think there was a lot of pride and fear of social ostracism in that particular family system too. Upholding the image of the family they wanted to portray overrode having a moral compass and honest reckoning with reality.

Yes, I’ve learned co-regulation is central to human health and well-being, and I think it’s true of non-human animals as well. I haven’t found my people here in this town. I’m grateful for the few close friends I do have. I’m seeing two of them very soon who are housesitting in a town an hour from here and will be seeing my friend in the city again from late January. That friend recently said she believes she’s on the autism spectrum and I can sense that and maybe that’s part of why we get along so easily. It’s like we understand how each other works. I am thinking about going back to the city but it’s a huge effort and will take me time to organise. I’m trying to improve current health issues to be strong enough for that.

It’s wonderful that your triggers have lessened a lot. That’s a really good sign of healing. I’m becoming more conscious of mine and I can nip the impact of them in the bud more quickly now rather than being engulfed by them. But like you I’m still caught off guard at times. But progress is definitely happening!

Much love and care to you all and extra pampering to Mr Feisty. Have a lovely weekend,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Just a short one to say I appreciate your words and your understanding. The ol' energy has dropped a bit and I'm not up to addressing everything today. Got my spare key (which I asked for) back from said "brother" and a vile letter along with it, so I'm just processing that and trying to get about my life. Further confirmation I made the right choice in removing him from my life. I don't expect to hear anything else from him, and I certainly don't want to. Rallying my found family around me and putting my energy into my hubby, Mr Feisty and my garden and home rather than focusing too much on his hateful behaviour. I can't ignore what comes up because of it, but I don't have to live in it, either.

May your time with your friend come swiftly and be positive. Things like moving can wait until you are able, just take care of yourself.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I’m so sorry to hear that your brother sent you an awful letter. I think what you describe is so wise, that although you can’t ignore what comes up because of it you don’t have to live in it. I’m learning to practise that approach where I realise someone else’s toxicity is not mine to carry. It is a miserable, negative prison they create for themselves and I can fly free and above it, I don’t have to be in it.

So I think it’s wonderful you are rallying your found family and focussing on your home with care and nurturance. I think being nurturing to ourselves and around people who are nurturing who genuinely see us is the best antidote to toxic behaviour exposure. May you, hubby and Mr Feisty find peace and joy.

Please don’t worry about trying to address everything or ever feel you have to respond to my posts. Do whatever is right for you in the moment.

Yes, I’m learning to take things just one step at a time and looking forward to time with my friend.

Kind thoughts to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. Funny how I have expected awful behaviour from him but he keeps exceeding my expectations of just how awful he's going to be. It's kind of you to say my approach is wise. I've been caught up in the trap before of pushing away how I feel because I don't think the person who hurt me deserves the satisfaction of making me feel X, Y or Z. I mean, they don't, but it only hurts me more not to process it, and ultimately it isn't about them, it's about me being human enough to be affected by toxicity, I guess, and to hear what my nervous system is telling me to do about it. It's been a journey to get to that place. So yeah, trying to acknowledge and process these things, understand the triggers and allow the bad feelings to exist, but also to see my safety in the here and now - that's where I need to do my living. As you say, the toxicity of others is not ours to carry. You're quite right that they have created a prison for themselves, and I would venture to say they often try to drag us into it with them rather than just open the door and walk out. They won't hear that it isn't actually locked.

It's certainly a different world I find myself in, wonderful is a good word for it. The more I heal and express who I am, the more I am able to identify the safe and healthy people and remove the ones who aren't (and limit exposure to those I can't avoid entirely). I'm recently seeing such an extraordinary change in how I am interacting with the world and myself, and how I am handling my triggers. Getting better at that nurturing, and it's making me more available to be present with hubby and Mr Feisty, and even friends and strangers. I'd go so far as to say I am on an upward spiral. We always hear about downward spirals, but they don't always have to go in that direction. What a concept!

Thank you again for reinforcing that. I think I was needing to slow down on delving into the details of my toxic family (and toxic family systems in general) and focus more on the overarching concepts and healing from it (i.e. not living in it).

That's encouraging to hear. Ultimately you can only do what you can do, and by working within your capacity you do naturally and healthily expand it - or at least, that's how it has been working for me. I see you doing the right things for yourself, nurturing yourself and pacing yourself, and it is heartening. I see someone who is healing and who will thrive more and more as you continue your journey. Nurturing those healthy friendships is a beautiful part of that.

Kind thoughts as always,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I’m really glad you have your safe place. In a way that is a container for the difficult emotions and bad feelings that have come up in relation to your family of origin and your brother in particular. I’ve really come to realise that a safe holding space is necessary for the processing of difficult emotions, whether that is through a therapist, a found family or good friends.

It is just wonderful that you are seeing an extraordinary change in how you are interacting with the world and yourself. That is a great sign of progress. I think when we begin to feel more stillness and empowerment within we are less reactive and automatically stressed by things. I am beginning to see the emergence of that increased calm in myself over the usual fear and hypervigilance that has driven my every moment for most of my life. It is wonderful realising there are options because it can feel like for much of our lives we are under a kind of siege from certain pressures and issues. Then it gradually becomes apparent that we have agency to do things differently and also care kindly for ourselves through that process.

I like the sound of the upward spiral. Peter Levine has a whole video on the topic of spirals or vortices, looking at how they occur in nature and within our nervous system in the metaphorical sense of how our systems seek equilibrium. He also shows examples from Celtic and Tibetan art/culture around the theme of the vortex and the counter vortex. You see these spirals visually represented in many shamanic cultures. Your description of downward spirals and upward spirals made me think of it. Peter calls these the trauma vortex and healing vortex.

I understand about taking a break from the toxic details and wanting to focus instead on healing and the overarching concepts. I agree that too much focus on toxic details can drag us down and reinforce that which we are trying to not have in our lives. When I last visited the city I made a conscious decision not to see my brother which meant cancelling a planned catch up. It made me really sad on one level, but the dynamics of the situation never cease to be disturbing and troubling. By making a conscious decision to only spend time with people where there is ease and free-flowing heart-felt connection unencumbered by toxic stuff, I ended up having the most beautiful, peaceful and healing time while I was there. So I think focussing on and being present with that which is healing is so important. 

Yes, I can feel that I am healing and I can really sense that you are too. I agree that it’s about pacing too and just expanding our capacity and healing in a way that works for us. I can sense you will also increasingly thrive as you go forward on your current trajectory. I think we can increasingly hold space for ourselves as we learn through the safe holding of kind others and we know we have agency as well as the capacity for self-care.

Much kindness to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. Yeah, that's the thing - relational healing for relational trauma. If there is no safe space with safe people, all you're left with is toxic influences that invalidate your own intuition. You question your reality and your sanity when that is all around you. Safe people are a buffer for that influence.

It's quite something. Coming out as genderqueer has really changed a lot, I clearly underestimated how integral it is to my identity and how much being pegged as female really undermined me my whole life. This is an example of showing up for myself, reparenting myself by hearing the inner voice and allowing my truths to be fully expressed. So yeah, little Blue isn't still screaming to be heard on that one big thing any more, and lo and behold, there is more stillness and calm to be had, less reactivity like you said. Funny about that. I hear you about being run by hypervigilance, that's definitely been a theme in my life (unsurprising, since I pretty much had to parent myself, and was of course overwhelmed as I was not equipped to do so - I was a child). That sense of being under siege is huge because we didn't get to learn as children how to regulate our emotions or manage responsibilities and create boundaries. We've had to figure it out for ourselves as adults, and that is hard work with the established patterns continuing to trigger unhealthy coping mechanisms and bring unsafe people close to us, all of which sabotages that work heavily. Finding better ways to do things is a painfully slow process.

It's funny how often things I have worked out for myself (through years of hard work/experience) turn out to be concepts already known in some little corner of the world in some form. It's happened with minimalism, with my strategies for managing my ADHD (which I didn't know I had as I formulated them), and now with the upward spiral/healing vortex. At least now I know others have come to the same conclusions I can find further little nuggets of useful information to augment my ideas. 🙂

Thanks. I find both my neurodivergence and trauma can get me way too invested in the details, but oftentimes healing requires stepping back and seeing the simpler message being conveyed. In the case of my family, they reject who I am. No amount of ruminating over details is going to change that message, but it can drag me into their petty mindset, which is as you say, exactly what I don't want in my life. I think you made a really good decision in not seeing your brother when you visited the city. It's understandable that part of you felt sad about it, but look at the difference in your experience. Personally I don't think being born to the same parents gives people any obligation to one another. It's not like either party had a choice in it. If he's going to treat you badly, you don't have to spend time with him, plain and simple.

I think a really valuable part of how you and I relate is that we are in similar places in our healing journeys. Starting to see results from the really hard work we have been doing, starting to pull more toward healthy people and practices rather than feeling lost in the pain and sadness. The wings are sprouting, we are getting ready to fly, to thrive. Whilst I know there is more work to do and I am not without some grounding, I feel an odd sort of euphoria as the shackles of my old life are rusting and falling away.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

Yes, relational healing is so powerful. I’m currently in the city and spent yesterday afternoon with my good friend and her gorgeous little girl. It is invaluable being in the company of good people. I am definitely suffering living alone in my country town that I find very insular and isolating. So I have to find every way I can to connect relationally with healthy, balanced people and avoid unhealthy relationships which I used to unconsciously fall into based on the unhealthy dynamics of my childhood. I can really sense how you have broken the mould and built an alternative world with hubby and Mr Feisty which is wonderful. 

I feel joy for you that coming out as genderqueer has given you the capacity to be there for yourself and live your inner truth. That is incredibly powerful. It’s like being in-flow with yourself isn’t it. Like all resistance falls away internally to living fully. We can definitely be shackled in our lives and within ourselves in all kinds of ways and not even realise for a long time that that’s why we’re struggling. 

Yes, sometimes we’ve connected with certain truths and then discover others have made the same connection. A few months ago I was on a walk crossing a bridge over a weir. A leaf was stuck at the top and water was moving around it forming concentric semi-circles. I knew once it budged it would begin to spiral. It felt really meaningful somehow. Bizarrely when I got home a Peter Levine video about the trauma vortex and healing vortex, showing these movements in water, appeared in my YouTube feed. It expressed exactly what was going on inside of me. I had been feeling really stuck like that leaf and my body needed to re-enter the stream of life. I hadn’t come across that aspect of Peter Levine’s work before, but time and again his work speaks directly to my experience and has been invaluable.

Yes, I think you are right that ruminating on the details is not what solves the situation. We do it because we’re trying to solve it and make sense of it and we’re stuck in that loop. But it’s stepping back and simply naming things for what they are that allows us to move on and begin healing ourselves. For example, I’ve actually had to say directly, that behaviour is abusive and unacceptable and then move forward and away from it, rather than trying to endlessly solve it. It’s enabling me to actually get on with my life - for me for a change.

Yes, it’s been lovely and empowering talking with you as we are both making these powerful shifts within ourselves that begin to change our lives. I think I have glimpses of the euphoria you describe but I know I’m still grounded too. I stayed one night in a caravan park on my way to the city. I met lovely people there and on a walk at a nearby estuary and I could feel the freedom in my spirit in my interactions with people. Only a couple of years ago I was intensely running away from people out of abject fear because my system had broken down so badly. Often we pendulate as we recalibrate (another theme of Peter Levine’s work that’s just a natural phenomenon of being alive) but gradually we move towards homeostasis and experience peace.

I’m so glad those shackles are falling away and mine are starting to and I’m learning to know everything is ok in this moment now and I am free, as I can sense you are profoundly experiencing.

Hugs and kind thoughts to you too,

ER