Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Yes, working through layers is an interesting process isn’t it. For me at the moment two stuck emotions are starting to release, anger and grief. These emotions come from layers and layers of past traumatic experiences. Often the anger comes first followed by grief. Not immediately followed but as in anger comes out one day and grief the next. I’m just allowing my body to feel certain emotions. If I don’t allow my body to feel the emotions they don’t release. It’s taken me decades to realise how much anger and grief is there.

I’m glad your new psych seems promising. I have found a good psych makes a profound difference where you feel like you are actually achieving things. Things shift and transform within when working with the right person. I was so over the experience of going to therapy and trying to talk about things but feeling like I was getting nowhere with a therapist who was not co-present with me and would talk at me but not with me. My current psych is so completely there with me and it’s a totally different experience.

What you describe about your mum not trying anymore I can say I have seen in others. My brother is like that. He has so much unresolved trauma but has put it in a box, locked it and thrown away the key. Every few years he’s had a massive emotional breakdown where it pours out uncontrollably. Then after a week or two he locks it all up and throws away the key again. But I don’t think there’s anything we can do to help the family member other than continue working on healing ourselves. I’ve spent exhausting time caring for my brother through his breakdown experiences and there were glimmers of him beginning to deal with his emotions. Then that would all close down again. Sometimes if they see us healing I think it can help them shift a bit, but there’s no counting on that. I feel really deep sadness about my brother’s future trajectory but I also have to leave him to how he does things which is his particular coping mechanism.

Yes, the nervous system is truly amazing! In developing his Somatic Experiencing method Peter Levine studied animals in the wild and he could see how their nervous systems resolved trauma quite quickly compared to us humans. Many animals face daily threats to their survival yet do not have persistent trauma. So he wanted to understand how humans can release trauma naturally and more easily, something our society is so out of touch with. I think so much anxiety and depression is basically trapped trauma that just needs to energetically resolve in the body, after which the mind begins to heal also. With animals kept in unnatural settings like zoos you see them start to develop the same tendencies and symptoms as humans. They start losing their capacity to naturally release trauma from the body, doing things like pacing or showing signs of depression or obsessive compulsion. They are all signs of stress and a lesson to us about what is actually healthy vs unhealthy. There’s so much we can learn from animals and tend to forget we are one too.

I hope you, hubby and Mr Feisty are enjoying your weekend 🙂

Take care and warm wishes,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Interesting is one word for it! I'm glad that you're starting to find release for these things. It's a bit different for me, anger has been my go-to and my protector for most of my life, so being in a space where I'm not so angry has been a change. I'm certain there is a lot of grief in me somewhere, for many many things, but it hasn't become unstuck, yet. I hear you about allowing the body to feel the emotions. I also know you can't force it to do so. Those protective measures like to jump in, whether we ask them to or not.

It's only been one appointment so far, but I am encouraged, and sincerely hope I can achieve something with her. I'm glad for you that your current psych is so effective and able to be present with you. Your experience with previous psychs sounds quite relatable. I found myself becoming outright enraged wtih them, the sheer arrogance and ignorance they had was staggering. My anger was rightly telling me to get them out of my life, and so I did. It's quite re-traumatising to go to someone for help for a lifetime of being ignored and invalidated... only to be ignored and invalidated. It's like they're just there to have power over vulnerable people. Well, not this little black duck!

It's an awful thing to witness, isn't it? I'm sorry you are having that experience with your brother. My brother is likewise not very willing to work through his trauma. Not as badly as yours, by the sound of it, but he is definitely in a very stuck place. Living with Mum is not helping him with that. Sounds like you are feeling a lot of empathy with your brother. I hope that's not too overwhelming. Admittedly there are times I am thankful that I do not possess particularly high empathy.

It's certainly something. I've heard that name before, I think in The Body Keeps the Score. Interesting study, and what you say makes sense. It all speaks to a sense of being trapped in some way, which trauma definitely contributes to. For animals in zoos, it is a very literal state. For we humans, it is a conditioned response but has the same effect. I think as much as anything, the society we live in supports that stuckness, through things like toxic masculinity, toxic positivity, the "stiff upper lip" and so on. All these bizarrely unhelpful strictures on emotion and emotional expression. What a world we live in.

Thanks. Sadly I've gone and injured my back, so things have been a bit upended of late. I guess my body is insisting I rest (which is mostly good except we're almost out of cooked food, and that's gonna bite me in the butt very soon).

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

In a way it’s good you’ve had anger as a protector. I think that can mitigate against a number of things including the development of some health conditions. I have an autoimmune liver disease that progressively destroys the small bile ducts in the liver. For me anger was severely repressed from a young age, so much so I spent years not being aware of any anger existing in me. Yet it was internalised against myself. When you think about how anger produces bile, I feel like this whole mechanism was subverted in me and my body now produces antimitochondrial antibodies that destroy the bile ducts. So letting out and expressing anger now is extremely important for my healing. It’s almost like you are in the opposite process of now experiencing life without such present anger. So I think our systems do what they need to survive and then it’s working out how to rebalance over time. Anger is definitely a very important instinctive survival tool.

I’m really glad your first appointment with the psych was promising. I’m so sorry you had those invalidating experiences beforehand. I actually experienced real trauma from my first therapy experience from 2005 and was processing that in my last session with my current therapist. It involved gross boundary violations, breaches of confidentiality and abusive behaviour. But working with my current therapist has been curative and it really does heal those earlier messed up experiences. I’m actually speaking with my therapist next week about adhd and autism issues. I’m still trying to figure out where neurodivergent issues and complex trauma issues intersect and where they possibly differentiate. It’s very tricky to tease apart. I’ve been listening to various podcasts on the topic and it’s apparent quite a few out there are struggling with similar issues. I’m so grateful I can safely open up these vulnerabilities with my current therapist. I really wish for you a similar relationship with your therapist where much fruitful, rewarding and healing work can be done.

I have felt a lot of empathy for my brother, though I’m gradually learning to feel less. I was watching a YouTube clip today actually in which the presenter spoke of how both hyper-empathy and hypo-empathy can exist in autism. I’m definitely in the hyper-empathetic category which can actually be debilitating. So I can do with the empathy dial coming down a bit. I’m finding learning to self-care more helps with this. I’m gradually learning to see myself and not be so hyper-focused on the needs of others. This is in large part a complex trauma pattern in me, but I think it’s also part of my very high sensitivity level which also has a neurodivergent component.

I have The Body Keeps the Score and have sort of read it but not completely from cover to cover. I know the author Bessel van der Kolk is a friend and associate of Peter Levine. They are very different people though and I connect most with Peter’s approach as I find him a warmer character, but Bessel has definitely been at the forefront of understanding how the body is impacted by trauma and the need to work with the nervous system to heal. Somatic approaches have been life changing for me and I don’t know how I would have survived without them. They’ve allowed the transformation of trauma states that I think would have remained perpetually stuck otherwise.

I couldn’t agree more with you about toxic positivity. Arghh! And I used to be that way to some extent, relentlessly positive no matter what. Might have something with my dad trying to instil a mantra in me as a child - “I’m alive, I’m well and I feel great” that he got from some marketing self-help book. I’d then see him disintegrate into volatile rage again the next day, demonstrating how clearly his mind was not in control of matter. Perhaps that’s another reason I prefer somatic approaches so much over cognitive ones!

I really hope your back improves soon. Yes, rest up as needed. I hope maybe there’s some options if not up to cooking, even if it’s getting meal deliveries. Heat packs can certainly be helpful.

Take care and kind thoughts to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Honestly, I am grateful to my anger. I couldn't say what effect it has had, for good or ill, upon my health. A bit of both, I expect. What you describe about your relationship with anger is very like my sister's. She too has significant health struggles, though different to yours. I think that turning inward with anger can do a lot of harm to the body. I'm glad for you that you've been able to start addressing it. I agree I'm in the opposite place to you. Whilst my anger has certainly been a valuable survival tool, it is exhausting to live in a state of rage so much of one's life. On one hand it gets you out of dangerous situations and keeps you afloat. On the other, it keeps you always moving, seeking, expending energy, sometimes acting in destructive ways. It can stop you slowing down to examine things, and can mask the real problem, leaving you to repeat the same cycle over and over; always getting in harm's way, always having more to be enraged about, always having to move on again. I'd take it over being a pushover, but I don't recommend living in anger, there is a point at which it stops being productive.

Thanks. Yeah, they were pretty bad. One was in that toxic positive camp with her CBT, the bane of autistics everywhere. The experience you describe really fits my thought on some of them being there to have power over vulnerable people. I hope that person has been expelled from the profession. I'm glad your current therapist is helpful in working through that mess, and I hope the coversation about ADHD/ASD goes well. There is definitely a lot of crossover between neurodivergence and trauma, many factors make us more likely to experience trauma (especially relational), and more likely to develop PTSD/C-PTSD, not least of which is how little understanding and social support many of us have. It can definitely be difficult to differentiate what struggles come from being ND vs trauma, as they very often come as a package deal - they sure do for me. My new psych is neuro-affirming and gender-affirming, so that's a good start. We'll see about her methods, but being acknowledged as being what I am is a pretty good start.

Yes, both extremes are common in autism, and I think both can be trauma responses as well. In the household you described growing up in, you would have had to be very aware of your parents' moods for self-protection, and being sensitive to such things by nature would have really heightened that. Again, very reminiscent of my sister (to whom our parents were quite strict and controlling, where they were a bit more positive toward my brother, and paid little notice of me at all). Me, I had to be very self-focused for survival because no-one was really looking out for me beyond the most basic physical needs (and even then, not always so well), so there wasn't room for that sensitivity, nor do I think I am overly geared to it by nature. I do agree that self-care brings more balance to empathy, from both sides. Perhaps you have more room for you, and less room for mistreatment or holding yourself accountable for other peoples' emotions? Personally, I have developed more compassion; if I can see myself as more human and deserving of some leeway when I'm not perfect, I can more readily do the same for others.

I haven't finished reading it yet, but I have found it very educational and useful so far. I've not read anything from Peter Levine. I agree that Bessel is not the warmest character, but nor am I, so his approach works fine for me. I'm glad Peter's work and the somatic approach has been of such good use to you. I'd be interested to look into it. Perhaps you could recommend a source?

I loathe toxic positivity with a passion. Admittedly I rolled my eyes a bit at that mantra. Not helpful, especially  having seen the evidence of just how well that was working for your father. I'm having to come at somatic approaches gently, they're a bit out of my wheelhouse, but when it comes to cognitive approaches I do not include these mantras and affirmations and soforth that are built upon denial. My cognitive skills are bent on analysis, solutions and mindful (but realistic) approaches to unhelpful thought patterns. I consider myself a very logical and grounded person, so it makes sense for me to start from a place of analysis.

Thanks. It's a bit better than it was. Had to leave off cooking yesterday and get take-away. We've ordered some components for easy meals I can just chuck in the oven that will be delivered later today. I did have a hot water bottle on it in the evening. Kinda hard to keep it there during the day.

May the remainder of your week-end be peaceful,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Blue,

It's interesting to read your description of anger as it is so different from my experience. Both my parents were frequently angry. I would say they largely lived in anger when I was growing up, with my dad mellowing by the time I was in my early 20s. Mum continued to have explosive rage to the end. I know my world has been different and learning to experience anger is actually quite new to me. It's not that there was no anger before, but it went so underground it was largely invisible and I didn't even know there was significant anger there. I still remember my housemate's boyfriend saying, "Do you ever get angry? I've never seen you angry. What do you say when you get angry? Poo poo?" He was just teasing me, but he was very correct, that anger was certainly not easily detectable in me. So your comments give me some insight of what it might be like to live in more overt anger over time that is making itself known.

Sadly, the therapist I had those bad experiences with is still practising. A couple of years ago I found she had done a podcast interview in which she discussed material I'd shared in therapy without my permission! In therapy I had to deal with her becoming enraged at me when I said or did something that inadvertently triggered her, which was the same walking on eggshells I had to endure from my mother. I eventually realised this therapist was a repeat of the traumatic dynamics of my childhood. A lot went very wrong and then 3 years after I last saw her she started coming into my place of work, pretending to be my chummy best friend. She would get between me and customers while I was trying to help them and say things like, "so what's the goss?" I think she actually felt guilty about messing things up so badly but it made it even worse doing these behaviours. Looking back I think she may have borderline personality disorder which I suspect now my mother also had. She was extremely destabilised and I realised I was the normal, grounded one. Anyway, I'm very fortunate with the therapist I have now and yours sounds promising too.

It's interesting what you describe in your family dynamics with you and your siblings each being treated differently. It does make a difference doesn't it. My brother and I were brought up quite differently and are therefore different in terms of how we are within ourselves and our relationship with the wider world. Yes, I am learning to develop more room for myself as well as not feeling so responsible for the emotions of others. It's lovely you are developing that compassion, including for yourself. There's a lovely TED talk by Kristin Neff on self-compassion which you have reminded me of and I might watch before bed tonight.

Yes, Bessel's work is very good. I think he has been a breath of fresh air in psychiatry as he has brought new dimensions to understanding trauma that psychiatry really needed to pay attention to. As for his manner, it is his gruffness that is triggering for me. So I find it easier reading his writing rather than watching a video of him speaking. My dad was gruff and that could precede a verbal or physical attack, so I actually get a bit trauma triggered with Bessel and start feeling unsafe. Hence he could never be my psychiatrist! Yet I know he is fine. It's just his manner triggering me. Peter Levine is a gentle, warm-hearted softy so I gravitate to him. As for his books, one to start with might be "In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness". It goes into the science of the nervous system and so if you are quite logic driven and want to understand the workings of things, it can be good for that. I've also read "Trauma & Memory" which I found good too plus his recent autobiography which I read fairly recently. I could really relate to his early life experiences and life struggles.

Yes, toxic positive is torture! I think you have to be able to be with negative emotions in order for them to release. I think positive mantras without acknowledging the underlying emotions actually make things worse. This type of thing also happens in a lot of spiritual circles leading to what is sometimes called spiritual bypassing, where the underlying issues are never really addressed while the person thinks they're becoming enlightened. They often subsequently have further breakdowns as their deep issues remain unresolved, grasping desperately at more mantras to try to get back to a feeling of enlightenment. It's a kind of viscous circle. I prefer being grounded and real as the starting point.

I'm glad the back is a bit better and it's good you have some meal options. Take it easy and may you have a lovely remainder of your weekend too,

ER