Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Blue,

That is so totally fine. I completely understand. I’m in recovery from a combination of an infection with a fever and migraine so my communication capacity is limited anyway. But I also understand the autism/energy/capacity limitations. Please only respond if and when you want to. I won’t be the least bit offended if you aren’t up to it.

I hope you, hubby and Mr Feisty are having a good weekend. Kind thoughts to you all!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Hope you're all healed up from the infection/migraine/etc. by now. I really appreciate your reassurance to not worry about communicating when I'm not up to it. I know this is a site where that's generally understood, but while I'm not much of a people pleaser, I do like to be fairly consistent with my communication. Until recently I've found it fairly easy to do so. The last year or so, not so much.

We all ticked along okay for a while. The last few weeks have been a bit rough. Our schedule got a bit overloaded for a while, then the opposite - the few plans we had with friends (but never the unpleasant obligations) kept getting cancelled last minute. Given the amount of mental & physical prep and planning that goes into any intended outing, those cancellations still cost us a huge amount of energy and lost us those days and any sense of routine/predictability, had us rescheduling them and having to plan all over again, which meant we couldn't therefore do the other things we intended to do after the stuff that didn't go ahead, like see other friends who have been on the backburner for a while... all the while, feeling really socially isolated because we never ended up seeing anyone. Plus, I've been struggling to sleep most nights for that whole time. Honestly, it's been a bad time.

I got triggered pretty badly the other day, too. Unimportant enough event, but clearly something deeper got hit. Some random on the internet intent taking offense at everything I said, and getting aggressively defensive as though I was attacking them and everything they held dear, which I most certainly was not. I normally just move on when I come across problematic people on social media, but that weaponsed victimhood really set something nasty in motion, my nervous system was geared up for a fight. I didn't stoop to that, of course, I removed myself from the environment without further engagement. I've done a lot of journalling and talking to hubby to work out why I'm so enraged (with some success but clearly not enough), and I've done some vigorous exercise to redirect the energy, but the old nervous system still isn't convinced there's no cause for a fight. Not quite sure how to settle it down.

Not the story I had hoped to share by now, but I guess this is a mental health forum, so it's the place for these struggles. May your health and peace be doing better than mine.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I’m so sorry to hear about the online experience. It can be difficult online when people can’t see or hear one another and words can be taken a certain way and out of context. Sometimes stuff gets lodged in the nervous system afterwards and it can be hard to let go of.

I don’t know if this helps, but I can share some anger catharsis I had today. I was driving back from a walk when I suddenly had the urge to scream. So I did - several times! I realised I was ready to release huge amounts of suppressed anger from multiple experiences of past abuse. I then started swearing and screaming all these things at past abusers. But it was still controlled anger in that I understood it was stuff that needed to come out. I’ve had extremely debilitating health issues for some time and finally I have some easing of those symptoms this evening. So I think the anger release did a lot of good.

So I don’t know if having a good scream or yell away from others such as while driving in a car would help? Maybe or maybe not. Obviously you don’t want to be distracting yourself from driving. I was going slow on a country road already because of kangaroos about. I obviously can’t scream at home living in close proximity to others in a unit complex as it would freak people out. I did once scream into the wind at the ocean when no one else was around. Sometimes when you haven’t been able to have a successful communication with someone in real life, it is a way of getting out the frustration, perhaps throwing off feelings of judgement or disempowerment or whatever the feelings are for you.

It’s understandable the frustration and disappointment of social plans being cancelled. I’m sorry to hear about the not sleeping too. At the moment the one thing that helps me sleep is putting on a podcast of people talking whose voices I like to hear. I know others here have mentioned sleep stories and audiobooks. I don’t know if that would be helpful or not. For me I feel very isolated on my own so just hearing the sound of human voices seems to reset my nervous system to a feeling of comfort, as if people are actually there and I start to nod off then.

Take care Blue and I hope things improve in the coming weeks for you and hubby,

Kind thoughts to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. Certainly. I think this person was triggered, and rather than taking responsibility for their feelings, they decided to take it out on me. For context, I can see how my words may have been taken wrong, but I didn't say anything of a generally offensive nature - it was clearly a deeply personal trigger I couldn't have reasonably predicted. I even apologised for hitting a bad note when it became clear that I had, and apparently that made me quite the pariah. It's definitely bringing up a lot of stuff, starting with my (adult) neice, who is basically trying to destroy my sister's relationship for her own sense of "safety" because he said something "a bit off" one time (bearing in mind she never tried to resolve it with him, I'm not sure he even knows what he did wrong, and my sis doesn't bring her partner anywhere near her because of this, but even that isn't good enough). There has to be a point at which people take responsibility for their feelings, and stop holding other people to ransom for them. Working though a feeling of offense is one thing, but stonewalling and not allowing reasonable discourse to learn and heal is entirely another.

Actually, that does help (and I'm glad getting that anger out has been helpful for your health). In days of yore, back in my 20s, I did a lot of driving on my own, and would often be doing so when triggered. I'd listen to angry music and yell plenty of abuse to get it out. It did help. I drive and generally go places a lot less in my carer role, and almost always with my husband, so that has turned into a bit of a lost art. So thank you for reminding me of it. I've certainly had some choice things to say, and have said them quite vehemently in my journalling, however it does lack the powerful physicality of getting loud about it. I'm definitely feeling a lot of judgement in this, some serious disgust and contempt. Too much of a history of dealing with people who just won't take responsibility for themselves, and the fallout of the destructive behaviours that come with it. What right do any of us have to project our insecurities onto others, and play this game of emotional blackmail, belittling and shaming? I don't take my seething rage out on everyone, I take responsibility for it, and I don't deserve their respective problem emotions being thrown at me.

Yeah, it's very frustrating. Thanks, losing sleep is really hard. Interesting about the podcasts. I don't listen to anything like that (it's nature sounds and sometimes music for me), but I used to have some of my favourite animated shows playing when I slept - at a time when I was feeling isolated and lonely in a much more profound way than I do now (I have hubby to soothe me now on that level). That's a connection I hadn't actually made yet. Nice work!

Your reply tonight was timely and honestly very helpful and thought-provoking. Sincere thanks for your prespective,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I totally agree about projective behaviours where people want to project onto and blame someone else for their bad feelings. It is one thing to be triggered, which can happen to any of us and is involuntary. But it is when people don’t choose to take responsibility for being triggered and want someone else to hurt because they hurt. It’s when they maintain the rage instead of gaining perspective. One way of looking at it is they are trapped in a nervous system response where they are reacting from insecurity. But that still doesn’t excuse the behaviour. I can see plenty of times I’ve been triggered, but I don’t then hold a grudge against the other person. I try to understand what has happened.

I was practising my cathartic rage while driving again today and it is so therapeutic. I have been on the receiving end of abusive, manipulative and bullying behaviour many times and my need to defend myself which never happened at the time is now all coming out. Better late than never and I can really feel the benefit. My mother did the kind of behaviour you describe. I could inadvertently trigger her as a child. Even doing something kind for her could lead to an uncontrolled and relentless rage attack from her. It was definitely walking on eggshells. My dad flew into rage attacks of physical and verbal abuse as well. Then I have had people do this to me throughout my life which is a repetition of the pattern and I didn’t feel safe to defend myself. I’m now correcting that pattern and saying everything I need to say (especially yell and curse!) while driving my car to get out the imprinting of other people’s abusive behaviour.

That’s interesting having your favourite animated shows playing to help with sleep. It’s what is of comfort to us isn’t it. I have been listening to podcast interviews and discussions with people I like and respect. Of course I often don’t hear it all because I fall asleep but listen again while doing a chore such as the dishes. I’ve found podcasts make house chores much more interesting!

Thanks for your kind words Blue and I hope you have been feeling better today. May you have a lovely, restful evening,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Projecting is a dangerous game, it casts others as people they are not, and perpetuates whatever abuse or trauma went before. You hit the nail on the head about the underlying principle of this, though; they "want someone else to hurt because they hurt". They lean into how they are feeling and refuse to examine it or work on it. As you say, being triggered is involuntary, but what we do with it is our responsibility. Admittedly I'm guilty of holding grudges, that emotional response of attaching anger to an individual who triggered me isn't really voluntary either - but the rational part of me is at work on what happened and curtailing any urge to act on that grudge. If I don't trust myself to keep it in check, I put distance between myself and that person - which may not seem fair to them, but it's definitely safer for all concerned. If it's reasonable/safe to do so, I'll tell them I need space to cool down so they're not left hurt and baffled by a sudden absence (I know that one's a common trigger in itself).

I'm sorry you had that unreasonable behaviour directed at you as a kid, it would be so frightening for a child who depends on these people who are raging at you for food and shelter and general survival. In that situation, there isn't much recourse for defending yourself, so it stands to reason you have a lot of pent up anger to expel now. I'm glad you are able to work on that now, and get some of it out.

For me, the experience growing up was different. There was no rage or overt abuse. There was control through projected hurt and shame, not a word needed to be spoken, I'd just see that look on Mum's face and know something about having just done normal 5-yr-old things had hurt her again. It was all so nebulous and nameless and insidious in my world. I mean, she had the right to feel her hurt and shame, right? But she was also responsible for working on it and not having it undermine the health and wellbeing of her children. How  does a small child make sense of any of that? So I guess I'm left with all this rage for having this fight I didn't know was a fight, for not knowing how to fight it or if I should, or who was really responsible for the misery and isolation of my childhood. It really isn't cut and dried at all. It's so complex and I don't really know how to untangle it all to heal it. It's undoubtedly where my contempt comes from in this current trigger, though.

Yeah, for me the characters in those shows felt like friends. I still have shows like that, and beautifully I share that with my husband. Clearly it's the liking and respecting of the people in the podcasts that works for you, perhaps a voice of reason you need to hear as you fall asleep, instead of the sounds of dysregulation and rage. Certainly understandable. I'm glad the podcasts help you with household jobs, personally I like some lively music for that, or I ask hubby to sit with me and we chat about whatever. Body-doubling, as it were - a handy tool for executive function (especially as he reminds me what I'm doing when I inevitably forget or get distracted).

You're welcome. I think you are a wise person, with a lot of good to put out into the world around you. You're a great person to bounce these things off, to help me get to a balanced perspective. 🙂

Kind thoughts to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

Dealing with projected hurt and shame from your mum as a child would have been very difficult, especially when it feels amorphous because it remains unspoken and not directly addressed. I do somatic approaches with my psychologist where I touch into a past experience (not necessarily totally reliving it) and sense into what my body wanted to do at the time but couldn’t. This involves letting go of any conscious analysis of the situation now and sensing what my body wants to do instinctively in response to the situation. It’s interesting what my body comes up with. Sometimes it is an action, sometimes it is just allowing myself to feel and release grief in the supportive presence of my psychologist. Once this expression comes out in whatever form it takes, it often leads to a healing of the injury that’s sat in my body for decades. That healing is partly in the moment and partly processual, often unfolding over days or weeks afterwards. In some cases it may be working its way out for longer than that. The nervous system will often pendulate between different states before finding a new balance. I don’t know if something like that would help? Just feeling into what you want to do as if in the situation again can sometimes lead to the body providing an answer to how to bring a sense of resolution. That can then help in other present situations where there is a trigger linked to the childhood trauma and stress and it becomes easier in the present where it isn’t as upsetting. These days in psychology this tends to be called bottom-up processing as opposed to top-down processing. The latter can be useful once the bottom-up processing has been able to take its course.

Parents unfortunately don’t always work on their stuff and we end up with their projections. As well as overt aggression my mum had shame projections as well where she could be silent and non-responsive in relation to something I said or did. This often happened if I showed happiness or enthusiasm. She seemed almost embarrassed if I expressed positive emotions. I could never quite tell if this was a form of jealousy or just emotional pain in her that any sign of joy in me reminded her that she was miserable. Certainly she would not normally share any expression of happiness that came out of me and would seem morose. I don’t think this is how she wanted to be but she was stuck in her own trauma pattern. So I feel like maybe I have some idea of what you describe with your mum.

I think one of the most beneficial things is having corrective experiences and it sounds like that is what you have now with hubby. Your nervous system is getting to know a different interpersonal reality that is nourishing instead of distressing and that is so positive. Perhaps allowing those good feelings in can also be a balm for those upsetting feelings that get triggered.

Thank you. I think you are also an insightful person and you express clearly what is happening for you. 

I hope today is a good day for you 🙂

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Yeah, it's certainly a challenge. I've had all these nebulous, nameless struggles all my life that have impacted it heavily (Mum, the resulting trauma I didn't know was trauma until fairly recently, late diagonosed autism & ADHD, etc.), so that lack of a definined thing to work on is a huge bugbear for me, and not one I have high tolerance for.

The somatic work you're doing with your psych sounds really interesting, thanks for sharing that. Funny thing, I had my first appointment with a new psych yesterday, and she suggested a similar approach. Not in quite the same detail, but just a body scan meditation when I'm "activated", most especially when analysing and more outward/active physical approaches aren't working. I'm certainly willing to give it a go. Wasn't much use yesterday, I hadn't slept nearly enough so all I got was my stomach screaming at me to feed it for more energy. 😕 I have my concerns about bottom up processing with the intensity of this particular trigger, I'm not sure I have enough of a sense of safety to just feel through it on my own, and that sense of safety first is kinda Trauma Healing 101. Wasn't able to make another appointment with my psych around my other commitments until next month, which isn't so helpful on that front.

You're right about parents. True enough for all of us, I guess, but I think it's crucial to any sort of relationship to work on our past hurts. Often it's the effect on hubby and Mr Feisty that motivates me to work a bit harder on my stuff than I might have on my own. I'm sorry to hear how your mum projected that shame on you. Given that a lack of responsiveness is kind of the essence of the "parenting" I had, I feel quite strongly for Little ER in that situation. That would have conditioned you not to share your joy, and that is such a sad thing for a child. How do you feel about expressing joy now, as an adult? I'm thankful I could at least laugh with Mum, it was the serious stuff that went underground with her. She actually has a pretty wicked sense of humour (in the good way), and that's something I genuinely love about her. So there you go, I have some positives to reflect on, too.

Yes, hubby has been quite the balm for me. It took a lot of time for me to settle and feel safe even with him (unsurprising, since he's the first really safe person in my life, and I was well into my 30s when we met). Even then, since I had that ongoing unhealthy relationship with work, it's only been since I quit my job less than 2 years ago that I've had a space of my nervous system feeling safe most of the time - triggered was honestly my norm for pretty much my entire life until then, be it from trauma or sensory overload. I will say that this latest trigger actually caused me to initially dissociate from hubby and Mr Feisty for a time. Presumably because my relational wounds have come from those closest to me, and the ol' nervous system was shutting off a potential source of harm. Thankfully that eased up after a day or so, it was pretty awful.

Thanks. I may be a bit mystified by the rest of the world at times, but I'd like to think I have some clarity about myself. 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I think the unravelling of amorphous feelings is often something that happens in layers and it can certainly take time to work it all out. You have done an amazing job working through the different aspects of your experiences, including identifying the presence of undiagnosed autism and ADHD. You have been putting the puzzle together and I can see how you have become clearer and stronger over time which is so lovely to see. You’ve had a lot do deal with as a carer too, so I think you have been amazing how you have navigated your way through recent years.

With doing somatic work, I do think it helps greatly to have someone present with you who can truly hold space for you. Before my current psychologist, I tried it unsuccessfully with a few other practitioners who were not the right fit and could not hold space in a way that was safe for me. My current psych can hold space in a really safe way and we’ve made so much progress. An approach we‘ve used that I really connect with is called Somatic Experiencing. It’s an approach that does not involve fully reliving the trauma but only touching into it while being well resourced. It is gently titrated to avoid overwhelming the client’s nervous system. For me it is an intuitive approach that works, but I think finding the right person to work with is integral to it actually being helpful. It’s great you have a new psych and hopefully whatever paths you take with her you will keep progressing well on your journey.

With my mum, what helps me is I know she wanted to be able to express care and to connect but she just mostly couldn’t, which was directly linked to her own past trauma. I still remember the one time she tried to playfully interact with me when I was 5 by briefly trying to dance with me to some music. Even as a 5 year old I could feel her intense discomfort in trying to do that. But the thing is she tried, and that means everything to me. I hold onto every little bit of effort she made to break out of her trauma prison. It was not an easy life for her. I’m glad your mum has the wicked sense of humour and you can share that with her. Although my dad was very abusive in my childhood, by the time I was a young adult he began to mellow and I could have humorous interactions with him at least some of the time. We didn’t really have conversations as he didn’t really do those, but we could be silly together. He had Parkinson’s and he would do this absurdist juggling act with a single orange that he knew was funny because of his lack of co-ordination which I would then applaud and marvel at in a theatrical way. We both had a sense of the ridiculous.

I am so glad you found hubby. I feel I understand the dissociation you describe from him and Mr Feisty. I also dissociate very easily from people based on past relational wounds, even people who have proven to me they are safe. It’s amazing how our nervous system kicks in like that isn’t it. It’s actually quite an ingenious survival response when you look at it, like a form of survival competence, yet it deploys even in situations where it isn’t actually necessary. I think this self-protection part gradually learns to release its grip but it does take time doesn’t it.

It’s really nice to chat with you Blue. Kind thoughts to you as well,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Sorry for the belated reply, the burnout has been strong with me of late.

You're right about the layers and how much time it can take to work through, that's certainly been my experience. Thank you for your kind words about my journey. It really has been quite a ride, especially with managing everything involved in being a carer into the bargain. What I have been piecing together has helped me take better care of myself in relation to that, also.

I'm sorry you've had such crummy experiences with previous psychs. Glad the current one is working out well, though. It's so crucial to working through trauma to have safety first, you just can't do it with someone who doesn't understand that. Somatic Experiencing sounds interesting and potentially helpful, though definitely requiring a safe person to work with. My new psych seems promising, we'll see how I go with her.

What you say about your mum is very relatable. Mine is also very much lost in her past trauma and has had a very difficult life. She has acknowledged that she's been trying to come away from that and knows it will take more than one generation to really undo that damage. Sadly that also means there's a big part of her not trying any more, just passing the torch instead of looking for ways to make life worth living, I think she gave up on herself many years ago, which is just really sad. But I digress. It's good that you can see your mum's attempt to connect with compassion, and can value it. I'm glad too that you could have those moments with your father. It can't make up for the bad stuff, but it's something to remember fondly, to see the human side of our parents.

I'm sincerely glad I found him, too! That period of dissociation was hard, and I'm thankful it didn't last longer than it did (a day was quite enough). Yeah, the nervous system tries to protect us, and honestly it really did have to do that for years in our respective youths. As you say, it's all about survival - but it's a mechanism that keeps activating in situations that need the exact opposite. Yes, it's a very long winded process, getting the nervous system to recognise the correct things as threats, and to stop reacting to things that are safe. Understandable, I think, after many years of constant threat coming from people and situations that should have been safe, but weren't.

Thanks, I greatly enjoy our chats as well. Kind thoughts as always,

Blue.