Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER (& wave to SB),

Oh boy, I didn't realise how long it's been since I came on here. I haven't forgotten you, however I have certainly been experiencing that ADHD time blindness!

Things have, surprisingly, continued to improve. Hubby's health has been just a little bit better, and his mental health along with it. We're not talking miracle cures, but the sort of fractional improvement that can nonetheless have a huge impact on quality of life. He has put on a little weight (which is significant since it's been steadily dropping over the last year, he is a nearly 6ft man who at worst dipped below 48kg), and has been able to do a little exercise. It's been a joy to see him wanting to hop on the exercise bike, even though it's at the lowest setting and he can only go for a few minutes. That's miracle enough from where we have been.

Hubby is certainly beautiful when it comes to encouraging me in pretty much any of my pursuits. I am overflowing with love for him right now, would probably hop about the room yelling about it if it wouldn't scare Mr Feisty, who is currently sitting on my monitor, haha.

Have you had occasion to use your coloured pencils? Don't worry too much about whether you produce museum-quality artwork, that's not what it's about. Just express yourself and enjoy the process. You might be surprised at how good the work ends up being when you let go of that worry.

Well, NDIS talked their talk and have yet to walk the walk. Communication is slow but ongoing. Any actual, practical, meaningful support is yet to be forthcoming. Can't say I am surprised.

NDIS frustrations notwithstanding, things are still fairly good for us. Creative endeavours have turned a bit toward desserts and cocktails for the moment - art shall be waiting for me when I feel like taking it up again.

Hope things are ticking along okay for you. Happy to listen if they are not.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Going to do a bit of musing here, as my mind is full of thoughts about my journey. The last several years have been quite the rolling snowball of self-discovery. Meeting my husband has been a huge catalyst for a lot of it, to be honest. The first genuinely healthy and safe relationship I've had in my life, and I would have to say the first deeply healthy and safe friendship, too. His love and support and - very importantly - acceptance and validation, have given me contrast to the rest of the people in my life to even recognise what was missing, in terms of the neglect and trauma of my past.

In light of that, and a comment from EM here on the forums (suggesting I look up 1800-RESPECT when I was arguing with my depression), I first came to the conclusion I was dealing with PTSD from my last relationship. At first I went, "But 1800-RESPECT is for trauma...?", which hadn't clicked for me yet, as a very emotionally suppressed individual.

Then, some years later, I found out I had ADHD. Next piece of the puzzle. Here's why I'm always late, organised as a flea circus, have to keep things where I can see them or I forget them (don't talk to me about vegetable crispers!), hop about from hyperfixation to hyperfixation, lose track of time or horribly underestimate how long things take or when they happened...

Then I realised there was underlying C-PTSD. Holy cow, that horribly neglect I grew up with... wasn't normal?

And I'm autistic? My constant exhaustion has a cause. My brain fog & dissociation in public environments isn't just because I'm an introvert? Nor is it normal? Huh. And all the other complex web of sensory/social stuff.

And I quit my job. Last abusive relationship ended. Woo-hoo! I stopped working over a year before I quit, but there was still that thread there leaving an uneasiness in my soul until I was rid of them (which was a circus in itself, they didn't make it easy getting my final pay and getting off the books).

[Clues_Of_Blue]

So, so much has changed for me in such a short time. As much as I never would have wanted my husband to get sick, I know his health keeping me home and out of the rat race has been another huge catalyst for internal change. I have had room to step out of social overload. I have had room to step out of sensory overload. I have been forced into constant contact with another human being in which I just couldn't keep my "negative" emotions hidden 100% of the time, nor my autistic meltdowns. I couldn't call those things normal and move on with them unknown to anyone else, they were seen by someone who didn't experience them and who was concerned about them. Who wanted to talk about them and understand. What a concept! Past experience with humans was being treated like my struggles and distress were inconvenient and should remain hidden at all times.

So the latest and possibly last largish self-discovery thing (I say last because the other things were a lot more survival-relevant and I think I'm finally in the space of being able to look at stuff that hasn't wholly undermined my existence), is my genderqueerness. Like everything else, it's always been there and I haven't shied away from being different, but I didn't have the right language for it. I'm not just a "tomboy". I don't see myself really as male or female, though sometimes I lean one way or the other. It makes sense in light of my autism, I don't really fit social norms or binaries or the hive mind about anything. Why should gender be any different? I thought about posting in the LGBTQIA+ forum, but that doesn't seem to have much traffic. I'll probably keep my story here. But it feels good talking about it. Freeing. Kinda feel like I've peeled all the layers off the onion with each of those huge, weighty things. I'm getting to a core of truth, able to identify, articulate and properly express who I am and where I've come from, and able to make room for all of those things in my self-care. To at least sometimes be able to step out of mere survival mode and be a person. Holy cow! It's been quite the journey.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue (and wave to sbella),

It is absolutely lovely to read your posts. As it is late here I’m going to wait until tomorrow to reply when my brain is fresher. But so wonderful to hear how you and hubby are going.

Speak soon,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Blue,

I’m so glad to hear that hubby is doing better and it’s beautiful that he gives you such kindness and support. As you say, it’s wonderful you have found that first safe, genuine relationship and all the ways that’s opened things up for you in terms of self discovery. I think when someone genuinely cares for us, that’s when we perhaps see ourselves for the first time and begin to truly value ourselves. 

I think it’s very common that people with CPTSD can go years without even recognising their past experiences as being trauma. It was just life and you just tried to survive it. Then when the impacts of that trauma reverberate in our life as an adult, we can think there is just something inherently wrong with us and we are inadequate that we have things like anxiety and depression. We don’t necessarily join the dots for a long time and perhaps only when we reach some kind of crisis point. But also, conversely, when we encounter someone who treats us with acceptance, understanding and kindness which can also alert us to elements missing from our childhood.

I can relate to many things you describe as I’ve long suspected there are elements of ADHD and autism in me, and in 2007 and 2016 I had counsellors who agreed. But I have not pursued formal diagnoses. But I relate to the feeling of being neurodivergent and the extra struggles that creates in a neurotypical world. It can be extra challenging trying to find your place and it’s definitely a case of the duck paddling like crazy below the surface of the water in order to give the impression of gliding (coping) above the surface. I feel my life has always been about masking in relation to both CPTSD and having neurodivergent traits. In recent years the mask has begun to fall off and I’ve had to turn and face realities I was trying to keep invisible.

What you say about genderqueerness is so interesting as it’s quite common among autistic people. It’s great to develop this increasing clarity about these different elements of yourself. As a child my femaleness was suppressed by my mother who would dress me identical to my brother and keep my hair cut short. When a relative gave my mother a bag of hand-me-down dresses from her daughters, my mother put it in her cupboard where I didn’t have access and I was only allowed to wear those dresses on four occasions that I can remember, chosen by mum, not me. So I think I grew up with gender confusion as I wasn’t allowed to be a girl for many years. But I do know that when I see other people I primarily see another human being rather than man or woman. I don’t think of gender so much in relation to others, more personhood.

What is good now is the way neurodiversity and the forms of gender identity are now talked about openly and a space has been created where people can see themselves and be themselves. Diversity has always been present but people in the past had to do much to hide/mask to get by in society. Or may not have ever got to the point of knowing why they felt different and just felt something must be “wrong” with them.

I’m really happy it’s all coming together for you. It’s like you are truly individuating and beginning to feel the fulfilment that that creates. As you say, finding language helps too. You can describe who you are and how you’ve got to that point through your journey. That’s awesome!

I’m ok with health struggles being the difficult thing at present. I didn’t get to the drawing after all. Currently in the city petsitting with a lovely, fluffy cat.

Really good to hear from you and kind thoughts to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

As always, thanks for your thoughtful reply. That is something I very much appreciate about you.

Thanks. 🙂 I think in my case it wasn't that I didn't see myself or value myself - I always treated myself better than others around me did. It was more that my sense of self was largely held in isolation through either lack of acceptance or others seeing what they wanted to see instead of what was really there, or simply they would sidestep or shut down anything of depth. Because of that, though I tried to show myself kindness, I didn't really know how, there was so much missing in my relational experience that I just didn't know what it looked like. I could make some leaps on my own to do better than my family/peers, but I simply didn't know what I didn't know.

That's it, when it's your normal from birth, how do you recognise it as trauma? Again, though I know it's common, I didn't come away with a negative self-image about my depression or struggles, or think there was something inherently wrong with me. I was mostly just angry at my emotions for getting underfoot, I was very used to controlling them. With the PTSD and depression I lost that level of tight control and basically had to relearn myself. It was (and is) a long process of robot learning emotional intelligence. It did not come naturally! Having my husband make space for that process and hear my story (much of which I had kept to myself for a very long time) helped me see it through the eyes of someone with a more healthy experience, and unravel how abnormal my start in life was, and the trajectory it set me on as an adult.

You've mentioned that you suspect ADHD & autism in yourself. I think self-diagnosis is valid, especially given the barriers to formal diagnosis. Just knowing is so important to understanding yourself and how different self-care looks for us vs neurotypicals. I have been able to make a lot of little changes in my life to accommodate my needs with that knowledge, and I am very much the better for it. Pretty sure I never looked like I was gliding, haha. That said, I think I'm on the lower end of masking. I know higher masking people though, and I see how they tie themselves in knots to look "normal" and be accepted. It looks real lonely and painful. I hope you are finding unmasking (voluntary or otherwise) to be ultimately helpful in exploring some difficult subjects, but also to connecting more authentically with yourself and others.

Yeah, there are a lot of NDs in the LGBTQIA+ community, all of us having our own unique relationship with gender and sexuality. Sounds like your mother made it more confusing for you. Do you remember trying to assert any preference for how you dressed or had your hair as a kid? My mum went the opposite direction to yours, liked dressing me up in frilly skirts like a doll. She didn't do that with my sister, oddly enough. I still wonder if she just liked the skirts or if she was pushing back against how boyish I dressed and acted at every opportunity, which my sis didn't do. I like that you see others as people rather than men or women. I was brought up hyper-aware of gender differences and roles, my parents being fairly old-fashioned and rigid about such things. It can be hard to put that away, even as I challenge everything I grew up with.

Totally agree about the more open dialogue in recent times. I think real change and acceptance in wider society is a fair way off, but it's not impossible. I do think masking was forced rather more in times gone by, but we're also at a point in technological and social evolution in which masking is less possible. We're more visible and intruded upon than ever, the pace of life has ramped up exponentially, we're expected to be available to others 24/7, and the overwhelm and burnout that comes with that has resulted in a crisis for ND people. We simply can't mask to that degree, so constantly. Ultimately that is a good thing. We get to fling the masks on the ground and be us.

Thanks. Whilst I always knew myself fairly well, I am definitely finding freedom in refining that knowledge, having language for it, and being able to express it to (for the most part) accepting people around me. Better still, I can help others with their journeys. 🙂

I hope the health struggles are to some degree under control. Your pencils will be there still when you are ready for them. Ooh, fluffy cat! I do love a fluffy cat. I also love a fluffy bird. Mr Feisty has been playing on my desk and periodically sitting on my shoulder as I have been typing.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Blue,

Thank you for clarifying your experience. I think I’m projecting from my own, where I most definitely didn’t see and value myself. It is really good you could do that, but also still so hard to live with that isolation. Added to that, others projecting onto you who they wanted you to be vs who you actually are would have been really challenging, especially without a roadmap from the kind of relational experience you needed.

It is really good that you have had your husband to share with and that he has been understanding and supportive through it all. Also, getting to see from the perspective of someone who had a healthier start to life would help so much in seeing what wasn’t healthy in your experience. Last night I spent time with my friend, her husband and their baby girl. They are lovely, gentle people who are so kind, patient and supportive of their little one. She is a delightful bundle of joy. At the same age I was so stricken by fear from my earliest memories and very quiet. Both parents were destabilised with uncontrolled rage. So with my friends I see a baby being raised in such a different way. I know ideally my parents wanted to be like that but had untreated trauma with severe emotional dysregulation that I was frequently on the receiving end of. Seeing a baby being comforted and supported, and engaging with her myself, really helps to bring out more capacity for self-care in me. So I understand how learning new ways of seeing and being from others is beneficial.

The masking thing is challenging. I think I was forced into it through verbal and physical violence if I didn’t comply. That really messed me up from a young age. I’m not sure how much of who I am is down to trauma and how much neurodivergence, and is the neurodivergence in me actually a consequence of trauma? I’ve always had classic autistic-like involuntary stims since a small child. In my case this always starts from dissociation and is an attempt by my body to deal with nervous system dysregulation. I still have the same stims now and probably always will. It was like all I had in my world as a source of comfort and way of regulating.

I did not try to assert how my gender was expressed as a kid because I was too scared to and my shame so deep. People often thought I was a boy and my mother would never correct them. I remember that from when I was very small onwards. So I felt intensely shameful knowing I was a girl but that I couldn’t outwardly be one. A couple of years ago I started to wonder if my mum was non-binary and it was coming out in how she was treating me. Her mother was highly abusive towards her and for a long time I thought this was why my mum was uncomfortable with the feminine. But I really don’t know the reason and maybe both were a factor.

It’s interesting how your mum really emphasised the ultra feminine clothing with you but not your sister. Maybe it was pushback as you say against your preferences. If my mum hadn’t been so denying my femaleness, I still don’t think I would have been an ultra girly girl like many of the girls I remember at school. But I would have liked to have been allowed to be a girl and feel comfortable being so. I’m still trying to learn to connect with that part of myself even now after that was denied all the way back then.

That is true about everything ramping up making it difficult to mask. I’ve never been on social media. It’s just too much input and too overwhelming for me. I am possibly going to go through life without ever having a social media account. I find I have to streamline what I’m exposed to otherwise I get overwhelmed. But, as you say, the pace of things now kind of forces people to unmask. I watched a number of tv shows in recent years on autism, such as the dating on the spectrum one which was so interesting. Each person is so unique with their struggles, but also in a world now where neurodiversity is much more visible and talked about. It’s almost like you can’t mask now, unless you are only mildly neurodivergent.

I love that Mr Feisty has been playing on your desk and sitting on your shoulder. I get so much from fluffy cat’s companionship. Really animals remain my strongest form of relationship, connection and trust.

I’m glad things seem to be looking up in many ways and you have hubby and Mr Feisty by your side. Take care and kind thoughts to you all too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Really appreciate your in-depth reply. The ol' energy is low right now, I'll respond properly when it comes back up again.

Kind thoughts, 

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I totally understand! I know the feeling well when the energy expenditure is too much. Please don’t feel you have to respond either. Only if you feel like it! It’s just lovely knowing things are going better for you and hubby.

Take care and kindness to you,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You are kind, ER. Thing is, I am enjoying the conversation, I want to respond, and my energy is going "nah". I'm finding that a lot, and it frequently stops me starting conversations because I don't trust that I can hold up my end once I am talking to someone, no matter how much I want to. It is incredibly frustrating and isolating, having the will to talk and plenty to say, but no energy to back it up. So just know I appreciate you and your patience, and if I disappear it most definitely isn't personal, it's my capacity not having my back.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.