Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Update time.

there is basically no communication between us - the few moments there are that are in text or verbal are littered with comments designed to provoke...

I’ve shut down emotionally and physically with her - I have no respect Left. In my head and heart it’s gone and it should’ve been that way back in November 2018 when I typed my first post... that first post only came after a long time of suffering ...

Of course She has blamed my son for our demise again - that he has conspired to make us separate. I know The fact is it’s not true ... I know he has been respectful and polite to her because that’s what I and his mother have educated him to be... aside that he just doesn’t have that kind of mind or heart let alone the desire.

She spends no time with him anyway for him to be disrespectful to her - she on the other hand has no respect for the role he plays in my life...

but it’s ever the BPD way to blame others and take no responsibility for what they bring. It’s an excuse worn thin by the passage of time without any real meaningful improvement.

They blame those who cannot defend themselves ...

While the world is in confined quarters my wife and I are Stuck together .... separately we are putting our own brand of work into the house to get it ready for a time when a sale would be more promising...

None of us in life are perfect... we all have moments where we put our head in our hands and go D’oh.
move done and I know I have contributed to parts of the negative aspects of our relationship.

Most of us take responsibility for these things and learns to be better humans.
it’s taken me awhile to acknowledge inside myself that This person I have been with is just toxic and is in reality no good for me as a person...

it’s a lesson I’d wished I’d experienced in my twenties tho...

For those in the midst of something similar - if your “gut “ is telling you something is wrong - listen And listen hard - it’s in all Likley good your values telling you this situation isn’t 4 you.

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide

I am not sure what to say. You have expressed so much and been so incredibly real and honest in last 5 months.

You wanted to give it your best and for a while it looked like the relationship would work.

BPD as you know is a terrible illness, and your wife has suffered trauma to behave like she does. That does not mean you have to cope with her comments that judge and hurt.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I hope by writing here you have learnt more about yourself.

Thanks again for sharing your journey.

[Guest_1584]

How are you going FS , if you happen to drop in ?

Hope you and the family have been ok.

All the best. rx

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou RX - been a longtime between drinks... Are we still together? Yes... but the real question is have things improved?  The answer sadly is both yes and no...   

[randomxx]

Hi there FS , just had a bit of a read and can't believe you've made it this far. lf it's any consolation that's an incredible credit to you.

How are the kids been doing ?

Has the lady had any help or improved at all , how is she and the two of you going?

rx

[TheFarSide]

Wish I could say it was a journey worth taking.  At one point she became physical - not punching but starting to use her body to push me around (probably to get me to react) - so i went to police to discuss but didn't file...

I then forced us to separate and only then she committed to therapy/DBT clinic and timeframes for repair... Our time apart in separate houses was great - but in reality I probably let my guard down and got lovebombed again believing she was genuinely trying... She did DBT right up til the time we moved back in together - and Gomer Pyle in the back of my mind just says 'Surprise Surprise Surprise'...  Once we were together in a new house the old ways crept back in gradually.  Back to the intense anger over unimportant things, same over the top heated emotional response to situations, same silent treatment or ignoring anything of value/importance to me, same toxic reactions/actions/withdrawal of affection/sleeping in different rooms yada yada yada.  Sex resumed its lack of intimacy and the couch became just 2 people doing separate things on iPads while the TV is on.  Even now I'm in the middle of a silent treatment - day 5 or so...  At this stage honestly, it's really more fool me for sticking it out in what is clearly a toxic relationship - I have enough sense to know better - we don't have kids between ourselves to tie us together - it should be easy to just go...  Being able to manage it better as a person really doesn't make it any better.  Good to see you're still about and active RX.

[randomxx]

Hey fs. Tbh , l took a long break but then some new issues arose and it was really the best place l knew of to talk soooo, ben around again a little while now.

Sadly as much as l love some of the people here personally , the subject matters probably better not too dwelled l find .

So sorry to hear the latest mate, damn disappointing for you. lt's a gamble l know, something l faced myself back when meeting gf. Tbh most men would've ran but we had stuff rare stuff and just fitted in many very important ways to me and so l persisted, and then of course we feel what we feel to right.. But at the same time it's been a constant toss up right through too bc she's just had so much stuff to.

sounding like you've reached a conclusion yeah , sorry to hear it my friend buttt, ldk. lt sounds just in a way a bit like my situation and over time nd then more time, you just wonder just wth your suppose to go through for her don't you and it's as if that one person is controlling your very life with their stuff. And surely that just isn't right.