Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Hi all... update time. As we all know the world is in a different place. Many of us working from home to help minimise the spread of the virus. I have been at home all week - still working - my wife hasn’t had any shifts this week so she has been home too. For the most it has been going well. No major disruptions of any sort... until yesterday afternoon... I think when you’ve been with someone or known someone for a long time you can sense when their emotional position shifts...

My wife’s emotional balance shifted yesterday. It was a shift from warm and loving to being cold and distant. Even no angry words were spoken or anything that I am aware of seem to trigger things there was a movement. My wife also missed another week and although it seems once again there was a genuine mistake at the clinics end I’m just wary that there may be a pattern emerging about why she can’t go.... she has appeared interested to go and is in a good place after the sessions but I think at this stage it can be too easy to slip off the treadmill.

I had asked her yesterday if everything was ok once I’d noticed the shift but She said all was fine so I jus went about my work and left her to work through what was going on. I also asked her a little later but decided to leave it at that to prevent a spark up. This morning I said it seems there’s something amiss and then things just erupted into mega argument territory again... the escalation continued for about 10 minutes until I just walked off and decided to not engage any further.... during the 101 topics that she tried to use to deflect away from the real issue while the heated voices were running she landed again on my son - he’s this and that or he doesn’t do this and that... I reminded her that I don’t target her kids and to focus on topics that are relevant but its pretty futile - fact is (and this is difficult to deal with) she doesn’t see the world in these moments anywhere near in the same way I would....

So agin I was just the same old receiving end of her using loud words to deal with an uncomfortable space.

is it a hiccup. Is it something more damaging. Is it part of her healing process or simply a slip up - or in the context of life would this have just been a normal argument in a normal everyday relationship... I dunno. I don’t feel much as a result - no anger but no desire to be close to her either.

see what the days coming bring

[TheFarSide]

The day has been silent ... I’ve been grateful to some degree because at least it’s meant no heated exchanges...

I absolutely struggle with trying to figure out how you can be discussing one issue only to have it morph into something that could not be more unrelated ... I do get natural progression in conversation -and it’s not about that — one things leads to another etc but my wife’s defence mechanism is to throw every possible hurtful comment you can about every possible thing in the shortest space possible at ever escalating volume... it’s like look over here - if I can distract you long enough and often enough then you wont pursue this angle or see where I am vulnerable because I’m making up an argument out of nothing to force engagement.

while the work being done at the clinic is good and have a positive effect - it’s clear that for whatever the reason the appointments are missed - those weeks have a strain - I understand this process is not an immediate cure but I’ve also been living like this for 3 years so a little peace over a bit of time would be very well received...

it’s early morning - not sure I want to go to the same bed... maybe just sleep on couch instead tonight...

[TheFarSide]

I made a choice to confront her today about having a basic level of respect between us as parents and what we say about each other’s children... reality is hers are almost all adults and I don’t play a dad role - just a responsible adult in need who has respect for who they are...

today My son wanted to go home early... not as a direct result from overhearing anything but I do feel he is trapped in his room ... he comes out and the tension levels build. I feel like I have to circle to make sure he doesn’t leave a footprint or cup out of place...

Even others have noticed how hostile she seems to become when he’s around - he’s a good kid and I love him and for that reason I think it’s jealousy that’s been behind her desire to force a wedge between me and my son... see earlier posts as well on the same ...

so I asked her bluntly what right she thought she had to be so critical of another’s child - especially when from the beginning of our relationship he was obviously part of my life - he’s only around for 2 days every two weeks and she can’t even be decent or respectful for that.

tells me how crap I am as a parent - that my ex must be us less too...

the whole thing just got ugly...

My wife doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning or house chores for my son - I do all those so there no extra work and because anything she did anything she made such an issue out of it... just some respect is all that’s needed however this is again me speaking from frustration - trying to make the round hole fit the square peg and in that order...

I’ve grown weary - I’ve taken my ring off (Again) but really any meaning that ring had has long since been lost... it’s not even symbolic of the moment We married as that day became a horror show of events (see much earlier posts)...

things aren’t gonna change - I want them too - I so do - but they ain’t gonna change... she won’t change - she becomes emotionally aggressive and I know it’s boiling down to a case of what she said on our wedding night - it’s her or my son... you choose.

Inside I know this has to end now... I’m at peace with the choice - I’ve done all I could to try to make things work - so many wasted years of support and love and doing your best just to end up in dead space ...

mall this and most of us stuck at home - gonna be a difficult time...

[Guest_1584]

Ahh fs ,man l truly wish l had words , and with everything else going on now on top of it all. So sorry fs , but even 10fold more for the little man , that's not right . just not right , he can't keep fighting this off it's just way way too much for him.

l didn't know she said that on the wedding night , shit , or l might've forgotten , so much going on but just shit. lf it was any other time l could imagine what your answer would be but of course that was manipulated to hit you with at a time like that instead .

tbh , l just don't know what else you can do man , your sons health and love is just too too important and he can not keep living like this , neither can you , or let him. l'm so sorry and l didn't realize it was only 2days a ftnt , man , they should be the happiest loving 2 days with his dad , of his wk .

l mean if it was just you and her , you could if you wanted to keep trying longer l guess although doubt you would at this stage anyway , but with your son going through this , it's just not right man and no one could blame you if you ended it with her right now ,

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks rx

she has said and done much to drive a wedge between me and my son. Many times she said to me he’s done this or that or didn’t do ‘x’ and I just know him way better than that. I know his character and I believe him when he tells me his side of things - I can also tell if he lies... on the other side I’ve caught my wife in lies many times amongst other pro reflections of adult behaviour - She is supposed to be the responsible adult and lead by example - she doesn’t need to be his mother - just an adult he can trust in need.

It was once that dust settled on us moving in at first together and We had been living together sometime that she started work on little things to get distance between me and my son... it was very subtle at first. Just little things here and there - all negative and nothing positive.

i have no doubt she Just sees him as a threat to her for love/affection etc. she’s was happy to do things initially to be kind and I thought that was nice - make breakfast for him etc although never asked or expected her to do anything but I always thanked her when she did... I am quite capable of looking after him... but after a while she called him ungrateful, she started to get annoyed if he rushed up to hold me hand (even if she was holding the other one), accused him of being dumb and so forth (to me - not to him)... some of the things she has said in private is actually pretty disgusting and don’t bare repeating.

obviously i bore some understanding and tolerance once I understood there was a disorder at play... then you have the story in all these messages above... my son is more mature than she is on many levels and he is quite ok but yes this isn’t healthy... I have explained everything going on to my ex wife... she is understanding and together we’ve made sure our son is ok.

With where we are now selling is impossible so will have to look at other strategies to minimise things when my son is next over until all this virus stuff is over. Not sure there’s much else i can do for the short term. I am actually ok tho - my son is also in a good headspace - he’s not really seen it directly often... I Just gotta stop my own rubber band action tho - going back, forgiving and hoping that next time it’ll be better - it’s a classic BPD trap and I absolutely know better... (maybe not)...

there are bigger problems out there for now. But I’m eating, sleeping and being well and not in a bad spot at all.. considering...

[Guest_1584]

That's good then mate,,, bloody good. Rubber band action eh haven't heard that one but my ex instantly sprung to mind yep , that's how it was alright .but she did also do much forgiving with me too early in m as l just thought she was a straight out part time b@tch for awhile there and lost it quite a few times before l started learning about it.

l never trusted her with my daughter, on the surface she completely turned, last we spoke she was even dreaming of her marrying her son and the 4 of us huh. my d would've liked her son too , never met though. ex would've been great if that actually happened but if it was just us 3 , always felt the tricks would start coming out again later.

God yeah this virus business is surreal isn't it.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks RX

theres much to be learnt about these kind of relationships - stuff that makes you more aware About human behaviour... not necessarily defensive as such - but just a whole lot more aware that good intentions mean different things to different folks ..

My wife has been partially tolerable today - making dinner and drinks etc but I think that’s because she realises the game is up.... nice on one hand while her emails are trying to leverage a greater share of the house dividends upon sale ...

ah well each to their own...

I thought we would be further along as a society with how we treat each other but you know it’s just such a weird world.

besides - who could predict that BPD would be such a perfect trap for those that are unfortunate enough to be caught in its spell...

I’ll keep posting . It’s good therapy and hopefully somewhere down the track when it Truly matters, someone will read through some of my posts and understand they aren’t alone ...

[TheFarSide]

Despite being locked up in the same house for obvious worldwide reasons we have managed to utter very few words to each other...

She slept in another room To start with but when I suggested that we revisit how the living arrangements looked in the house (with a view to sleeping apart permanently) she appeared back in our bed that night... nothing like a little motivation I guess...

in any case the peace has been good

... I have forgiven her more times than I should’ve over the years and internally I am resigned (as much as you can be with emotional conflict) that we don’t work... at this stage she is going through the discard stage - removing any need for me where possible...

then there is my son - fact is she doesn’t like my son... he needs a safe space to mature... although he’s pretty across my wife’s mental musings and hasn’t let that bother him in any way...

additionally I have probably (without really thinking about it) have let her have it her way with most things ...

I made a mistake when we met - i ignored warning signs and there were a few - I thought they were moments that wouldn’t reappear but things have just really continued along the same path they always have since we’ve been together just dramatically accelerated after getting married - yeah sure there’s a different therapist now and there a different argument between us for this breakup but it’s all remarkably just the same ole stuff...

I spoke with one of her daughters last night just to let her know where things were ... she hadn’t even noticed that her mum and I hadn’t been speaking - I nearly giggled... fact is her mum and Real dads relationship was such a dysfunctional silent treatment this to her probably feels right at home...

I did say this isn’t how a good partner should be but I think she knows - she’s got a pretty good grounding for having to have been in her own personal process With mum for so many years...

looking back on my profile name and picture “the far side” - I can see why the chicken wants to get to the other side lol . Chicken want out- chicken want out...

[TheFarSide]

I thought I’d pretty much heard it all but - I guess there’s always room for more...

today I was told that my son (Primary school age) has been conspiring to ensure that my wife and I would fail...

she could not be further off base - He has been so easy to get along with given she has been my next partner after his mum... not a single word has passed his lips regarding remarriage or where he lives etc...

the justification for the above - apparently he sat in the front seat of the car once, he had run through the house a couple of times and forgotten to say Thankyou on a couple of occasions...

Oh that also made me and his mum totally poor parents...

Given my wife does no house chores whatsoever at all where he’s concerned, doesn’t talk to him and has not a kind word to say about him I’d say that the BPD jealousy just came out in brute force...

I wanted to laugh - it was so ridiculous - she was blaming him as the reason we would fail - his two days with us a fortnight where she was not required or expected to help in any way...

In her eyes it’s not anything she had done or said...

All that despite showing the example by respecting her children and the role they play in her life ...

[Guest_1584]

Shyt man , that's bloody rough and so off the mark , just wrong.

Wish l had some words of wisdom my friend but if there's one thing l learnt , it just was throw logic out the window.

You know there's so much out there on the net now , maybe you could dig up a forum specializing in bpd , maybe you could find some answers and advice in something like that.