Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[quirkywords]

THe Far Side,

Thanks for you latest update but sorry to here it ha been more of a roller coaster than plain sailing.

I am glad you are looking after yourself but all this must take its toll on you.

Take care

Quirky

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide,

I am not sure if you still pop into the Forum.

I was just wondering hoy everything was going.

I wish you all the best for the festive season and hope you have a calm 2020.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thought I’d stop by an update things.

I could type an essay but it would really only serve as reenforcement to my previous posts and views.

BPD is what is it is and it isn’t very easy to deal with.

There have been moments at least of some behavioural respites since my last post but like the white lines on the highway the troubles just seem to keep flashing up - I’ve become adept at dodging shadows not that I encourage that as a way of living In a relationship. Where do these minefields come from!

I have had some mixed feelings about how I’ve handled things as my son sees things and what lessons about life I’ve given my son... I know I’ve shown him that it’s ok to offer support and be there for people (even when they have not necessarily deserved our support) - to forgive and be understanding... but I’ve not taught him that there is a point where walking away is the sensible strategy for ones own health...

it’s not something I’ve been able to teach myself as yet.

the rat... the cage... the tread wheel... round and round we go...

None the less I find my own self confidence and general health to be in good standing. Mentally I’m in a good place and recognise the instabilities for what they are... None of this is my fault - and understanding this has helped deal with the simple frustration of the emotional bouncing ball BPD sufferers like to bounce...

I’ll update further. There’s not much more to say for this post other than life continues in the same way as before.

i guess if you only do what you’ve always done then you’ll only get what you’ve always got...

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , nice to hear from ya.

Thanks for the update l've wondered how things were going.

But personally , l'd think your teaching your son some fantastic lessons myself. lt is a marriage after all and she is your wife , and your trying and doing your best, not to mention also showing things like forgiveness, empathy , understanding , so much more.

Yaknow , if it didn't work out both you and your son will still always know all that and that you did your best too , cut yourself some slack l say.

All the best . rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the message RX.

Last day or so has continued down a path towards the end (again)... over some matters that I would consider relatively minor in the scheme of things but shes dug her heels in in true style and decided no matter the size of the topic it was worth the cost of going to relationship war and terminating our marriage over. This small issue led to a full onslaught of everything she perceived was what I had done wrong and how foolish and dumb I was to be with her. She had managed to forget anything she had done, said or contributed of course and simply forwent any form of responsibility for things. Its almost like the eyes rolled back and the anger just took her completely over.

I have always operated on the basis that you support your partner in their endeavors and if they want to do something - eg paint a wall a different color or find a new job or be educated in some field - that unless it is going to cause injury/issues etc just let them do want they want. I have no need to be difficult for the sake of it or to hold people back from their desires.

On this occasion I has disagreed with what my wife wanted to do and it blew up from nothing to the most extreme of anger. I looked at all the compromises we could make to find alternatives to work with but no - the escalation continued with her ending up saying this relationship will never work for us and goodbye. This was code of course for its my way or none at all - your opinions and compromises don't matter.

While i feel disappointed at where things have landed - I believe as you said RX that I've given a good go at being a good supportive and willing partner and I've tried to show my son what it means to offer consideration and compassion. I know in the matter above i wasn't deliberately difficult and I was certainly up for alternatives... There are some things though that just are outside your scope of influence and no matter how hard you believe you've tried there is inevitably nothing you can do to change the outcome.

Over the years (once she was diagnosed) she has knocked back help, assistance, support, love and has tried to reduce my self worth along the way. last night I took my ring off. A marriage isn't in a ring anyway but its been helpful to separate and transition at the minds level.

I am not in any rush to make changes or decision that will impact what the future looks like though. This is fresh and some time to gather thoughts about whats next is needed.

[quirkywords]

Farside

Thanks for your latest update full of so much honesty and insight.

these words of yours touched me

"There are some things though that just are outside your scope of influence and no matter how hard you believe you've tried there is inevitably nothing you can do to change the outcome."

I am going through a very difficult time due to major losses from the fires and your words spoke to me.

Thanks

I wish you all the best .I think you have learnt a lot since your first post.

Quirky

[Hanna3]

Hi Farside,

I'm fairly new on BB and just one of the people here who came to the BB site with some problems I was having. I've noticed your thread here and just wanted to say it looks as though you've been going through an enormously difficult time. I had a friend with bipolar disorder and felt I was always on eggshells with her, her moods were constantly changing and I felt I had to navigate my way around them very carefully.

She did get excellent psychiatric help and social worker support. May I ask if your wife is getting professional help? I'm sorry if you've mentioned this anywhere and I missed it. I know the mood changes can be very hard to deal with. Is she on medication to help her?

Apologies if you've already discussed this somewhere. I just wanted to offer my support and say I can see what a tough time you've been going through (and your son) and glad you've come to BB for somewhere to talk things through. Take care of yourself as much as you can.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Hanna3

My wife (like I imagine many do) has skirted around the help issue many times - talk has been there but no action... she does take a daily high dose antidepressant...

There had been times early on where she was willing to seek help, to investigate and maybe reach out to support groups. That’s how We ended up in front of a physchiatrist as opposed to a counsellor for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder...

There’s even a DBT centre within close driving distance to us that is suggested worth a try - we got all the usual books as well... but when anger/insecurity takes hold (as it seems to Quite regularly) then those thoughts are abandoned...

Even as recently as today I asked her to revisit the idea of counselling ... she lost her mind over something again so small and really quite insignificant but because my son had done it there was no holding back on me... that is despite her own older kids doing the exact same Thing and it not being an issue... the old double standard...

There is no winning in this situation (a win I think would equate to a relatively well balanced relationship of give and take) - it’s just a case of how best you survive and how long you choose to...

I do believe there is love from her and it is genuine When she gives it - I think in her eyes and mind when she gives love it is deeply felt but she lacks the maturity and capacity to control her emotions in a level headed way and before long slips back into self protection.

I do notice she is more and more inclined to drink these days - I like a drink too don’t get me wrong - however I can just see it isn’t purely for the enjoyment at a physical level - the drinks are on high rotation.

Tonight My son overheard her saying derogatory things about him which I asked her to stop saying. Later on my son came to me and despite his age was able to understand And articulate that it was her and her disorder and not him that was the problem/issue... he understood that she wasn’t acting in the way we would expect adults to behave when they are socially, morally and emotionally mature. He showed more maturity than she.

I am very proud of my boy and he knows without a doubt that he comes first if things become completely unworkable...

It’s definatley a tough road however the truth is it is only I that can choose this path ... I can stop walking this path whenever I can’t take another step...

[quirkywords]

Farside,

I am glad your boy has enough insight to see your wife is unwell and that he is ok.

I knew a young boy whose grandma had dementia and was critical and angry. He told his mum he wished he knew his gran when his gran was a nicer person.

[TheFarSide]

My wife exhibits the key aspects of BPD emotional immaturity and splitting... when she is loving it’s a complete and total love bombing experience but when the mood shifts and youre in the bad books it’s a case of the extreme other end.
There is no balance, tolerance or everyday “just get on with things” that is evident in much of societies behaviour.
When angry she goes for the throat - has no moral compass it understanding about the line in the sand and when not to cross.

I wish she could remain in the mid zone and accept that life will bring easy/pleasant and difficult/awful moments and dealing with these is just life... the stuff that falls in between is the tapestry which most of us reside in and view the world from...

I am glad you have reached out to BB Hanna3 ... BB has provided a means to share And unpack some of what occurs within the confines of this relationship.
I do wonder sometimes how I missed the cues but the truth is the cues were there and I didn’t take enough heed of what they were and what they meant. Of course the acceleration once we got married was simply not predictable ... I still find it difficult to imagine that any person would say “it’s me or your child” on your wedding night but life is full of absurd qualities...