Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[quirkywords]

FarSide

Thanks for your latest updates with your inisghts.

As you wrote, I think you may have had an idea things may turn out like this.

I have heard that expression before when people are in circumstances both a little similar toy ours and different. Sometimes love may not be enough , maybe love can do so much.

Only you know the what you will decide.

What I find so sad is that your wife is maybe the way she is can be due to things that happened beyond her control in her past.

I know you realise this and have made allowances.

Sometimes our life turns out different than what we expected.

I feel you have taken us on your journey and I thank you for that.

Quirky

[Guest_1584]

Sorry to hear the latest fs , damn. must be a damn tough sitch mate. And sorry to l thought she'd been following through seeing the counselor but no go eh , damn, that sure won't be helping.

l wonder if she'll improve when her work and situation improve but then l also hear what your saying and feeling , ya can only go through so many backflips and crap , after awhile whatever the reasons are aren't much help l know.

l guess if it does come to plan b at least you will know in your heart you gave and wore all you could which has gotta be better than if l coulda shoulda stuff l guess.

l dunno though quirk , many of us have had huge things happen through life , but most of us do our best as far as how we treat our loved ones and how we get past things , personally l think there's only so many free meal tickets and excuses .

Hope your holding up fs.

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks quirky / rx for your messages.

i have been doing a bit more dr google on the subject just to remind myself of how others have dealt with things. Much of the stories tell the same type of journey and ultimately not many at all have positive outcomes.

Admittedly I’m noticing that I feel a bit ‘over’ the ups and downs...and... looking to the future and seeing the next ‘xx’ number of years filled with these kind of hot and cold behaviours/mood swings doesn’t exactly offer an incentive to hang in there.

Realistically my wife has avoided any real commitment to external help/therapy/counselling and I can’t force her to work on herself.

This evening (despite the futility I knew it would be) I decided to try and talk things out. The tone escalated quite quickly - she never likes being challenged or questioned and it doesn’t take long to spiral. Unfortunately her recollection of events and conversations seems quite distanced from the truth and she even found a few new things to pin on me. Then came the calling into question of my personality/integrity etc... thankfully I dont recall ever being influenced by her truth distortions or devaluations - I have a pretty good handle on who I am, my own confidence and what the truth is.

A little Earlier in the day my wife and her youngest also came to a head over things... this resulted in me needing to dry some tears and later the daughter sent me a nice message to thank me for looking out for her - she’s a good kid in a difficult situation. When I picked my boy for my weekend I decided to warn him of what things were like at home but he just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘it’s all good Dad - love you’ when I told him that my wife wasn’t in a good space again.

My wife’s shifts are getting a bit like ‘the boy who cried wolf’ at the moment and even I feel a bit ‘here we go again’ with where things are now... the next few days to weeks will have her likely to be angry, then the tears will start followed by the apologies. I have been keeping notes since about mid last year (just in case) and reading over them makes me wonder what on earth I am doing here.

anyway I feel ok. It is what it is and it is outside my control.

[Guest_1584]

FAntastic you were there for her daughter god all mighty dunno how those poor kids cope with thst.

yeah l imagine it wouldn't be a great time if there ever could be one anyway , sorry it went belly up. couldn't even go there with mu ex , non of her stuff even happened , only mine she'd always remember every word , well the bad parts anyway. she wouldn't see anyone there was no problem what for.

l went searching many times too , many bads but found some positive outcomes but the thing was for me that they still couldn't just be themselves it sounded like every word day move had to be some kind of lesson or discipline and l know soon as l dropped my guard mine would spot it so l just couldn't see a win for me.

lt's weird now in things you've said there like l still miss her and always think of her we also had many many highs like no other and for us we got along really well when things were good so it isn't easy. but you know , l also look back now too now and think l just couldn't or wanna be dealing with our downside now. for us , maybe there wasn't even a problem , maybe it was just the crazy down side in our chemistry , maybe she'd be fine with someone right for her , sadly l'll never know now l suppose.

l had a lotta notes too , l dunno things messed with my head so much l just started keeping some, couldn't believe some of it later. But l do still wonder , nearly every day . l always thought if we couldn't make it then l'd need to be 100% convinced . sometimes l'm close but others waver.

Anyway , good luck right now man , hope things are a bit easier atm.

rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message and personal reflections RX..

Things have balanced out again - of course that’s a very short sentence that doesn’t give adequate description to the series of events, timelines, conversations, acknowledgments and personal ownership needed to get to that point.

What I get the sense of is that My wife is an inward struggle between my wanting to gain control and it slipping out of her grasp sometimes.

The speed at which she now pulls things back in when they have spilled over is a positive element to her dedication to getting things under control.

Its not easy.

I don’t walk on eggshells now ...

If something I do or say is a trigger then it’s better we deal with it face to face. She has as much to lose as I do and she is aware of this - there are some motivations both inside and outside of love and marriage that drive us both to working things through... this is the “sickness and heath” stuff we attest to when getting married... I do think that there are limits tho - can’t just pursue that blindly without personal safety checks and awareness.

so once again we see what happens...

I’m sorry for your experience RX - all I can suggest is we take every experience to learn and better ourselves so that we can be the the best person for those in whom we trust/love.

Occasionally someone we wouldn’t or shouldn’t normally engage with will slip through our best intentions and that’s life...

I will continue to update the travels.

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide,

Thanks for your latest post.

I find that you and your wife seem resilient and determined and I find it uplifting and inspiring that the two of you are putting effort into making the relationship work.

Everyone reading this will be impressed with the human sprit of both of you.

Thanks for letting us share in your journey.

Quirky

[Guest_1584]

Eh fs and thanks for that.

Firstly just on my ex , ahhh mate, tbh , l wouldn't swap our time for anything. Despite some bad sides must sound , man we also had the absolute times of our lives and highs and most beautiful times too , like no other. And l wouldn't swap knowing her either for anything either she was a spectacular person mostly apart from the downside times .

Anyway , man you guys are incredible , well done man and to your wife , much admiration for you guys.

Yaknow , there's all kinds of relationships and couples out there and you know, the way you two are working on everything and trying to get past this stuff l tell ya , very very special and l know we'll all have everything crossed for you.

Hope things are coming along , all the best.

rx

[TheFarSide]

It was time that I needed to update where things were.

With school holidays about I had some time off where my boy was able to be with me for awhile. I probably don't need to go through each and every issue that appeared during his stay but suffice to say that my wife clearly displayed her displeasure at my spending time with him over the week we had. My son fortunately was not aware of any of these conversations or the moments of her providing me a clearly defined silent treatment. Despite her desire to interfere with this time my son and I had a good time together anyway... My wife was asked (as she always is) if she wanted to be included in activities or the watch movies together etc - she chose not to.

My son is a pretty smart cookie though and knows my wife doesn't quite behave necessarily as one would expect the everyday person would to everyday issues. When I was driving him back to his mums after his stay he ask me 'Dad, are you happy living your life this way?"... Kids can sometimes through innocence can just nail the obvious things on the head - too him it was simple and clearly he thought I wasn't happy. It did give me pause to consider.

At present my wife and I are a couple of days into not talking to each other and sleeping in separate rooms. I'm quite ok with this at the moment (although clearly it would be better if things were different) and i have had some opportunity to reflect on things including my sons question. My wife did send a message just prior the cone of silence coming down with words to the effect of looking to sell and separate... I basically messaged her back with a clear tone stating that there would be no major decisions of any kind being made under the current household situation and left it at that.

There is no doubt the more I look back, see the ups and downs, the pushes and pulls, the unnecessary arguing, the lack of logic and tact, always needing to be right, the disappearing acts, irregular spending, the drinking, the constant horror movies etc etc and all the other things that occur in her everyday life that make up who she is that she needs some professional assistance with things. I feel it goes beyond what I can give her as a partner but I think seeking help still remains a bridge too far.

Not sure where this leaves us overall but I can see the marriage fading tho as one party alone cant hold it together.

[Guest_1584]

Sorry things have been a sp shakey fs , damn had things crossed for you guys.

l suppose all you can do is keep soldiering on for now until there's either some improvement or a decision l guess.

Take care eh. rx

[TheFarSide]

Thanks RX for your response. It is a case of a roller coaster… up and down and for fleeting moments there is that well balanced middle in which I'd like to spend as the majority of my time in this relationship.

There have been many family issues going on lately - mostly on my wife's side - however I have a sense that much it stems back to the layers of instability my wife presents when interacting with her family. Again without her understanding this link, or seeing what her behaviours do it falls back to those impacted to put up, shut up or make breaks and change.

A recent example of how fragile the eco system is here is the example that we were leaving the house to go out to a particular place in this cold environment. I'd been waiting for my wife to be ready to leave but she took an age... so i decided to go and wait for my wife in the car... my son was already in the car so I started the engine to get the car warmed up in these less than pleasant weather conditions... she came out of the house a few moments later, opened the passenger door and said I'm not going - I want to go somewhere else in the opposite direction. I recognised that tone in her voice and I just nodded and she walked back inside... So I left with my son to do what was originally planned and the activity she had said she wanted to be part of...

A couple of hours later when I returned had a crack at me - saying I was going to leave without her earlier, why couldn't I wait inside and it got nasty in tone... this was also accompanied with a lot of other related comments that could be linked to insecurity . I wanted to laugh but I didn't. in all honesty I just looked at her and thought how did you rationally arrive at this point... then I needed to remember that it wasn't rational. I told her to can it and if she wanted to waste our time together it was on her.

I still don't have a firm view in my head about moving forward. Its clear that we can have a number of weeks where nothing arises but then it all plummets - the above in itself is only minor but its endemic of her behaviour and attitude.

I have had a lot of stresses as well lately and her flair ups are an additional weight on those but I think I am ok inside. I just take some time out here and there - not ideal - but better than not.

I feel myself the hamster on a wheel for now - which I dislike immensely as I'd always credited myself with more emotional intelligence.