Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[quirkywords]

The FarSide,

Thanks so much for your post and it has made my day.

You realistic and honest approach to the changes are full of hope but firmly based in reality.

Those normal imperfect interactions are what makes us all human. .

I am hopeful too and I can see you gain more confidence as things are improving. I am pleased are not on edge every day.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks to all who have read and shared a thought so far. I have a feeling this water has many bridges to flow under before it reaches the sea.

Right now I can sense an edgy side has crept in to my wife this evening and I can also sense my own self getting edgy as a result. I know in myself that I need to find some cool off space.

Overall though most days since I last typed have been good however today has had its moments with reflections back to where we've been.

Right now I am sitting a different space (physically speaking) to avoid direct line of contact and reduce the possibility of conflict. While there is no logic I can ascertain for the change in mood all the little tell tale signs are there - such as having a poke here over really minor matters and the sudden need to clean the house.

Unfortunately she missed her last psychologist appointment - quite legitimately though so I'm not concerned that she was avoiding it - just concerned that the treatment wasn't continued in good time. Another appointment has been scheduled.

We've also spent a lot of time in the same space over the last 2 weeks due to Xmas and leave arrangements so no surprise I guess that there would be some elements of pressure release to deal with - there is merit in Chicago's lyrics of 'even lovers need a holiday' (Hard to say I'm Sorry).

I am hopeful a little space will provide enough room for the feelings she has to abate a little. She has been doing much better overall.

Will update again soon.

[quirkywords]

thanks Farside for the update.

I can see that you have an understanding and insight into what has happened today.

Hopefully after the next appointment , things may settle down but overall it sounds things are going well. this time over year puts pressure on any relationship.

Over time in your posts you seem to have developed a confidence in understanding the dynamics in the relationship and an insight into to different factors that affect it.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the message Quirky.

Admittedly today I am absolutely furious and upset at the same time inside myself with the situation however I'm trying not to let that seep out too much - it reminds me of the poster you see with the cat hanging from a cloths line and the words stress underneath.

Fact is its back to the bad stuff today - she got out of bed with not a word and just started the usual need to clean this and that - basically anything to remove herself from having to face life. Any conversations we have had have been angry and tainted with bitter words and no logic to the conversation. In addition claiming I am the one with mental issues while neglecting/forgetting all of the issues that have come before.

There's nothing much I can do - Ill probably just go out for the day rather than be subjected to anything further.

There's nothing more I can add at this stage to this post - its just much more of the same that as gone on before and hopefully it will be reigned in by her sooner rather than later.

[TheFarSide]

So overall it’s been what I would call a really pathetic day - I had thought of using another word instead of ‘pathetic’ but I have opted for the the more politically correct description.

In blunt terms it’s just tiring to have to be back on edge again.

Not only am on edge tho - she’s using all of the things I’d spoken about when she was in a better headspace as ammunition. Stuff that I had said in the confines of a trusting couple in a joking way.

It feels like I can’t even trust her with who I am cos it’ll just get thrown back at you when she isn’t in a good headspace... it doesn’t particularly hurt at an emotional level these days because I think I’m used to plonking up the partial emotional shield. Just really disappointing - and I am also a little disappointed in myself for having thought it wouldn’t come back to haunt me.

I do struggle with understanding why a human being would behave in such a way. For me personally I just simply want to enjoy life, the people close to me and the time I have left on this planet.

My wife’s counsellor has also said that she doesn’t want anyone to refer to terms like BPD or disorder which is fine to some degree but on the other hand it also is what it is as well. For example - if I have a broken leg I have a broken leg - I don’t call it something else to alter or soften the perception...

Ive been told that during their last session they worked on all the aspects and matters that I had discussed with her as areas to cover. My wife acknowledged these being critical areas she needs to work on.

I know I am frustrated. I know I hate being at emotional odds and I am also the type of person that likes to hold hands and be close etc so dysfunctionality is a struggle - I’m also a bit saddened knowing that I can’t rely on her to have my back so to speak.

In reality there is nothing new going on here today that hasn’t occurred before - I guess I should be thankful that xmas passed by without to much to worry about. I’ll just have to suck it up (which I find somewhat difficult) and see where it goes.

Thanks for reading.

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

I feel I need to apologise for not replying to you for a while. My posts have been a little late for a few months as I am managing some of life's problems. I'm fine with all this but it does mean I cannot post on the forum as often as I was used to. Just wanted you to know I have not abandoned you.

It's sad that your relationship has hit a bump in the road and one that returns periodically. I suspect this will be the case for a little while as it will take time and effort for both you and your wife to manage the difficulties effectively. I don't want to sound dismissive as I feel this relatively calm period has lasted quite well. I know for myself that problems in my life are hard to rectify as I do not like to feel I am not managing in some way. For me the only way forward is to move forward but it's not easy and sometimes I want to metaphorically kick and scream.

For example I have tried to lose weight for many years and my husband tried to help and support me. Unfortunately he believed that I would respond well to gifts, or at least the prospect of gifts. Didn't work as this is not what I am about. Eating was the problem and I would have liked him to eat the same food as me but he insisted he wanted the type of meals he was used to. Cooking two different meals did not work. OK there were other options but it was hard to get past how I felt at times.

Now I know you do your best to help and it all probably sounds good from your perspective. I would have loved my husband to ask how he could best support me but it didn't happen. Can you ask your wife what she needs and wants? I do not intend to sound like a lecture.

It does sound as though your wife is getting on well with the psychologist and that is a huge positive. Missing an appointment no matter how good the reason can have a huge effect. When I first went to a psychiatrist I went twice a week because he felt I was very unwell. In fact he wanted me in hospital but as I had no private insurance it was impossible. Then he went on holiday which sounds reasonable but I felt so lost without that twice-weekly meeting. Being reasonable was hard as I had no one to fill the gap. Of course it was right he had time off but it was hard for me to manage when I was so unwell. Hope I am making sense here.

The suggestion I want to make is to accept there will be backward steps, plan for them perhaps with the psych, ask what you can do to help, then hold on when things go a little awry.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your reply Mary.

This is no doubt been somewhat of a speed bump (a backwards step) in the process and it caught me both off guard and in a moment of low absorption capacity. I was running out of me to spread accross the areas of my life that were needing my time and/or attention - she probably the same.

all that said... and this is notable:

She apologised this morning and took some ownership for her role in the whole situation before the day got old and emotions crept back in from the day before... it was remarkable that the turnaround happened so quickly and that she took some ownership for her part.

Such a journey this is but the above I will take as a positive from a negative. We made it through to the other side of a bitter set of words without it causing the end of the world and we both expressed ownership and apologies.

will continue to post but for now she seems to have found a balance again without too much time passing.

[Guest_1584]

Hi Fs , and l'm sorry about the back stepping , but you knew it was coming deep down and l remember in my sitch back when , that helped me not take it as bad as l would've if l walked about thinking we were on the mend. Dunno if that makes sense sorry.

Just wondering , she needed to pop that day right , big time. That seems to be how it works. Once my ex popped and let of steam , she'd settle down again. You know l use to think of getting her a boxing bag she could just go out to the garage to and beat the crap out of when she felt the need to pop. Nothing like some physical to get rid of tension and she use to kick box years before, l never did buy her the bag but l seriously thought it might help. like cleaning the house only, something a bit more aggressive.

Don't know if she'd box but a lot of women like it , just a thought..

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

Wow that really is a quick turnaround. So pleased for both of you.

A quick note, remember to give yourself an internal check to make sure you did not contribute to the fracas. Your wife is not necessarily in the wrong every time, or totally in the wrong.

Sorry to go about this. I think it is essential you look at yourself periodically.

Thanks for the update.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou Random and Mary for your responses.

Its been a few days now since I posted and its been a mixed bag of lollies over those days. Some good and some not so but nothing new in terms of what I've seen before - although things have not ventured down the 'we are breaking up' central theme scenario as yet...

There's been lots of little niggly things and part of me would just like to say 'deal with it' coz we all have to as humans but you know - that in all likelihood wouldn't produce the outcome id really then want for the next few days.

Unfortunately I am aware of my own foibles and weaknesses with dealing with matters and having patience - the above being an example although I do hold that stuff in as well. The latter patience has been worn down immensely over the last 12 months or so and both she and I could do with a punching bag to let off some steam.

Last few days have been very hot here in Oz and the temp certainly could and probably does test many peoples capacity to deal with difficult people situations. I'm not sure I have much to update with at the moment. Its in a middle zone at the moment... so not bad but not great either...

Least I'm not fighting a war of words.