Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

So far so good...

My wife has been reading the various books. Watched a few videos. Has looked to see what online forums might be good to be part of.

The mood has been relaxed as well. So good to feel that way.

Will update further but above is about as good as its ever been for 12 months as far as seeking to help herself.

[White_Rose]

I am so pleased for you both at this small step forward. I know how hard it is to admit my faults. I just hate it and probably many others do as well. The alternative is continuing to upset people and feel bad it. So I persevere and hope your wife can also. It's a long road to travel.

I agree about being overwhelmed. Perhaps you can both work out a way for her to identify one trait at a time and get used to that before moving on.

So pleased you feel you have your wife back if only for a short time.

Mary

[quirkywords]

The Far Side

I have been reading all your posts with interest and a bit of caution.

There is a lot of work that your wife has been doing lately and lots of soul searching that it would be quite overwhelming at times.

I know when I was coming to terms with my bipolar it was so exhausting at times I just wanted a break.

If there is a calm time that you too can just relax and not be working on her issues I think that may help . Just a suggestion.

I appreciate all your posts and your determination.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Another day and all seems to be ok.

Probably for the first time since she and I have been together that I’ve noticed that my wife is seeking a little assurance that I’m still about.... Nothing dramatic or life changing and I don’t even mean needing to be directly physically with her either.

Ive just noticed she is touching base with me a little more regularly (text, other message sources etc) to know I am about and in her life. It may have been there before but I had not noticed.

She is also wanting to put back together much of those little things that come apart when couples break up. Stuff like having both our books on a shelf, shared drawer space for stuff - just little things.

I know she is reading still and sharing some of the things she has found.

I am not putting any pressure on her to have to read anything or to achieve any particular goals but I am paying attention when she Speaks about it and encouraging her participation the learning.

Thanks for the messages Quirky and Mary. I am am hopeful the good little posts I have been making so far can continue.

[TheFarSide]

My wife went to the psychologists again and they did a lot of work around her childhood years.

She spoke about the session when she returned and she recognised a lot of childhood points where things may have set the pace for what has since followed.

The days since my last post have been ok as well - no particular issues or dramas have presented themselves. It’s quite encouraging seeing the direction things are moving towards - I look forward to the possibility of counting the weeks of good rather than just the days.

Will keep posting for now.

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

Congratulations on staying. I can imagine how hard it must be waking up each day and wondering what today's drama will bring. So pleased everything is going well.

You know where we are. Talk any time.

Mary

[quirkywords]

FarSide,

I appreciate you keeping us informed about what is happening and that you are taking it day by day.

The fact you can appreciate what is happening while at the same time being realistic enough to know things could change and then could change back must be difficult.

I wonder if knowing there is uncertainty so that it won’t come as a surprise while at the same time really appreciating the positive steps that have been made, is a comfort.

I am glad how things are going and the attitude you have and the amount of time and effort you and your wife have put into your realationhsip.

As Mary , wrote talk anytime, we are hear to listen.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your messages Mary and Quirky.

at this point all I can do is watch and see - being that I’m not so much the pilot on this trip.

having ‘lost’ it all at different times with this relationship over the last 12 months I have become a little adjusted to the fact that separation is still a real possibility as an outcome - I do find myself somewhat prepared for that as an eventuality...

Having a couple of good days - which they still are - don’t necessarily resolve or absolve her, me or us of the responsibility for what has come before. That said there is a simple adage - nothing ventured nothing gained.

I’ll keep posting for now. I’m not sure what the future will bring. I don’t doubt she loves me - that’s never been my point of concern. Whether she can find a comfortable and secure space to feel vulnerable in this relationship without losing her perspective on the greater comfort life brings will be the test.

The psychologist tapped into all the key areas - childhood, adoption, issues where trust was betrayed and also times when her voice was silenced growing up. She has been faced with herself and has to deal with who she is.

for now I remain part of that journey but nonetheless prepared for what may come...

[White_Rose]

Thanks for writing and sorry not to reply earlier. This will be a short post as I am going to join my family for Christmas Day.

I am pleased for you that you and your wife are having some calm time together. I am also pleased that you can say you believe she loves you and you have not lost your love for her. So many things can be repaired by two people loving and trusting each other.

I wish you a very happy Christmas and I will post soon.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

So things have been travelling ok now. Nothing dramatic has occurred. There have also been a couple of potential topics that have been talked about that in the past may have generated some friction that this time have been had without much drama. I continue to be hopeful. The counsellor seems to be hitting the mark for her.

For the most part we've simply had a normal loving relationship over recent times with just the usual imperfect interactions you have when sharing a life with someone. I'm very happy to not feel like i need to be on edge every day. She seems happier as well.

That will do for now. Will update as time goes by but I am quite hopeful.