Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

I am feeling the absence and closeness of my wife today.

Part of me wants to reach out to my wife and make it work but I know it will cycle again as it has done each and every time I’ve talked about it on here.

for everything I’ve shared about me with her she has sought cause to use that knowledge to try and hurt whenever there is a fight.

This is the part where staying the course for what i know needs to happen is pushed hard up against my emotional yearning to make it better and have this huge lump of sadness in my throat go away.

Of course my wife doesn’t seem to be remotely disturbed by it all - she’s gone into the mode where she gives off the I don’t care look - that it doesn’t bother her at all so Just move forward with life...

I need to remind myself that I need to get used to being on my own again.

[White_Rose]

Dear FS

Sorry to not be around in the past few days. Even more sorry that your relationship has gone down drain. I don't know what to say other than I hope we can support you through this time.

I think the hardest part of all this is not understanding how your wife thinks. It seems such a switchback journey with sudden stops and starts and much going off the rails. As I have read this thread as events have unfurled I have to say I do admire you for trying to stay and help your wife.

Missing her physical presence must be hard. When my husband and I separated I found it hard not to have someone around when I made an observation about something. Still I have been on my own for 18 years and I have a good life. I hope that you too will be able to reach a place of rest and healing.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message Mary.

i teally feel the lack of emotional intimacy.

To be able share a moment - whatever that moment looked like with your partner (just as you had done before).

Thanks for your thoughts.

it does feel somewhat like a teenage or school romance with all the breakups and make ups and shifting sands. Just can’t find level ground.

[White_Rose]

Dear FS

I had to smile at your analogy of a teenage romance. I remember my romances as a teenager and the ups and downs. I wouldn't want to go through that again. Hormones have a lot to answer for.

Glad you are writing in here. Keep it up for as long as you wish.

Mary

[quirkywords]

theFarSide,

It is interesting about teenage romance, I never had any as I suffered from extreme mood swings .So later when I married my emotional and social development had stopped at 16 so I struggled at relationships. That was just my experience.

I sometimes think emotional and physical intimacy is something we may not appreciate it when we have but when we don't, we really miss it and can grieve for that loss.

I am learning from your posts as there are things I can relate to in my own behaviour.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou for you message Quirky. These posts have helped me keep sane.

Relationships are a peculiar beast and no two are the same for sure.

I have enjoyed a couple of very substantive relationships over the years and was blessed to have my little one come along.

There are a couple of things I would say that have worked in my favour over the years which has helped me in some of life’s circumstances.

My school years were at primary schools and then high schools that were both mostly female - probably 75-80%. This meant that my friends list included females unlike my friends who went to largely male dominated trade and Tech schools (back in the day). It is a while back...

Since leaving school I have also largely worked in an industry that is heavily female populated - prob about 70%.

While the majority of my friends always seemed to have difficulty even just talking to girls I found it was just part of normal life. Things of course have changed over the years and I don’t think the above probably applies so much anymore. Certainly that part of my life has done nothing to help me with where I am in this particular relationship.

My wife and I aren’t talking right now - but... we aren’t fighting either. That’s ok. If that’s as good as it gets for now then that’s ok.

I know she’s not eating tho and I’ve asked her daughters to watch and make sure she gets some food into her - if I say it, things will just end badly. I am eating.

I sort of drift between accepting this awful outcome and wanting to cry for awhile. I know deep down she doesn’t want to break it off but she knows how difficult it’s been or perhaps that’s just my wishful thinking.

She isn’t as yet able to face her own demons - from what she said she took the focus away from herself at the pyscologists - told stories about how everyone else is the cause of her mindset.

I cant do much more now but wish her well.

As I said in a previous message, I will forgive her and give her at least that peace of mind before I leave.

Life is too short to not make the most of our time. We all deserve to be happy and to be loved without being hurt or hurting others. My wife too.

‘Emotional intimacy’ is something Ive come to value beyond measure in a relationship. When you think of all it’s elements, how far it reaches, how it works to nourish our internal wellbeing and how we feel with it just being there.

I truly miss my wife - these words are simple but what I feel when I say them isn’t.

[TheFarSide]

... and this is the part that gets difficult to know what to do for the best.

I would consider myself a reasonable human being - able to apply a certain sense of logic and deal with a range of situations in a sensible manner.

When emotions are involved and definatley in this relationship I’d say not so much.

My wife came to me this morning where I was sleeping - she said missed me and couldn’t see a life without me. It seemed like a quicker turnaround than usual but I might be wrong.

To say I am uncertain as to what to do would be an understatement. If I were reading my own posts I would see the cycle being revisited time and time again.

In my own head I do feel quite ok tho and perhaps I’ve become used to the up and down aspect...

I have seen and felt the push pull quite a bit but it hasn’t made my head fuzzy or made me depressed.

I think my distresses are more about the realtionship loss and the sadness that brings rather than the BPD elements... despite the diagnosis I don’t see her as full blown BPD either - a few of the traits are definatley prominent but many are just not there.

So here I am typing this before going to work. Having leant on a lot of people I know through work and friends and on this forum for support in particular in the last 6-8 weeks.

I had completed lease forms ready to go this morning and I wanted to get out before xmas but now that timeframe just seems too tight...

Maybe I will wait til the other side of xmas before doing anything... maybe this moment of calm will only last a day as well so I’ll keep my paperwork for now.

On her side I will say she is getting better at self evaluating what she does and how she acts - there is certainly positives there to draw on. She could clearly identify what happened and how things escalated and did apologise for allowing things to go the way they did. Having some insight into yourself is an important step into understanding how you affect those around you. So maybe that’s a step forward towards a better headspace.

For now I’m just going to take some time internally to think about where things are. There’s space where we are where I can simple be... I’m not sure I can come up with the answer in the short term (unless I’m forced to once again by shifting sands) but some space in my head just to reassess what I want/need is probably important right now.

[White_Rose]

Hello SF

I think both you and your wife are seriously thinking about the future. Your wife's admission that she couldn't see a life without you is positive and I know you have probably heard it before. There seems to be a change in the tone of your posts. It's as if you are becoming more reconciled to staying together and your wife is trying to change.

Change as we all know is painful and takes time. I imagine most of us have had to rethink our beliefs and reasoning at some time. Not easy. It does hurt to admit we are wrong and to change ourselves

Although your wife spoke to the psych about it was everyone's fault I have no doubt he/she knows the score. While we settle into talking with someone we do not generally talk about the really important stuff. Can you remind me please, is your wife seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. My memory is getting shocking but I have had a couple of medical problems lately which I think impacts on the rest of my life. The break over Christmas will hopefully allow me to recover.

Those times of closeness are precious. I know that's what I miss because despite being separated for 18 years I know those moments add a lot to our lives and well-being. I have many friends I can talk to though I do not do so very often. I wish my ex could have recognised how I was feeling instead of dismissing me as silly. Maybe we would have stayed together, maybe not. I certainly have no regrets for the life I have now except for those times when being close to someone would be good.

I think you are doing well. I agree that your early years spent in the company of girls has probably given you a feeling of ease with women and I believe the women in your life have thanked you for it.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Mary

my wife is seeing a psychologist at present ... she has also asked for the books again.

I could make a detailed post here about my thoughts on all this but given all that’s gone before, There’s be a chance it will have changed again before I’ve finished typing ... so I’ll just say watch and see for now...

in any case (even if it’s only brief) I really love having her back for however long that is.

stayed tuned.

[TheFarSide]

I’ll keep this one short and simple.

She has spent a little time identifying some of her triggers and reactions and how they then play out since this latest.

When we’ve been in calm spaces she has been quite good at self identifying areas to improve - perhaps a case that she becomes overwhelmed by what she sees and then reacts badly... I haven’t figured that one out yet.

This process overall continues with her approach at looking at herself just prior to the latest issues between us.

Again I will wait and see - hopeful and open to her finding the way forward within herself.

jn the meantime I will look at my own actions and reactions to see if there are some things I can do to help.