Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Thank you Quirky for your message.

Theres multiple purpose to the tears - they come and go in waves but they are for the sadness at losing dreams and what I believed was a two way street of a lifelong perfect love. Some of them are for the frustration that no matter what I do a positive outcome isn’t available. I’ve been out looking at accomodation options today and buying things for my future needs - simple things like plates and frypans and kettle etc. keep me moving forward in the direction I need to go.

She made some offhand remark about how stupid I was for hanging in so long with this relationship... that it was never gonna work because I was such a poor parent and and poor partner - so much deflection.

She has never agreed with my approach to disciplining my own - basically Saying that I am not hard enough and that they will never learn or make something of themself... I have always prefered to educate my child through conversation, learning and earning and example only - other methods aren’t necessary - especially when a child can communicate their thoughts and feelings. Given that she made the statement ‘ it’s either me or your child - on our wedding night’ I shouldn’t be too surprised.

Some tears are just natural grief.

What you meantion about taking to someone with BPD - it’s so the case. You simply cannot make a general comment or engage in a chat about anything without the interpretations flying about how it’s meant to be offensive. I have never been given the benefit of the doubt. She is medicated but it isn’t addressing this aspect of her personality. I’m not sure I could honestly run the remainder of my life under this kind of structure and behaviour. There have been lies and omissions before we got together, in our early stages and on our wedding day the whole hidden part of her personality just crashed out.

I am forgiving. I believe we can all make mistakes as humans. We can all say things under the heat of the moment we wouldn’t normally say - life and frustration can get the better of us all. But - generally we apologise for our wrongs and look to minimise their chance of reoccurring - she can apologise for her overall behaviour but not for what she says and does - she seeks holistic forgiveness.

We are over now - there is no coming back. it’s done. I don’t want this toxic environment anymore. We delayed the real estate agent by a day but they’ve been contacted to sign us up tomorrow.

she just can’t see herself.

[Guest_7403]

I've been reading your posts but have chosen not to reply as I feel you label borderlines as the same and unmanageable which I don't agree with, yes they are difficult, no they are not helpless and can't change there life.

I see in your comments about her behaviour and things she's doing, and I can immediately see which traits are showing and the likely causes.

What I don't see is any understanding on your part as too why she's doing it, it's more or less she has bpd and is toxic

I believe your wife has gone on too long unchecked, has alot of triggers that are not understood and doesn't know how to healthily release what's going on inside her mind

Its sad but that's really the truth of it, does she have issues? Yes. Is she managing them? No. Can she change? Yes.

I see how you state she made comments about it not working, it should have ended long ago etc..... What I don't see is an understanding on your part about what that comment really means....

To her, she's telling you how insecure she is in your relationship. And more then likely her statement refers to her not understanding why you've stayed with her as she most likely feels she doesn't deserve anyone let alone her husband

In regards to not wanting your child and making that big scene it's not that she doesn't want your child around, it's that when he's around she feels as if she is alone/Not important etc and that's where the fear of abandonment trait comes to light....and her response is fight or flight....you have to make a choice in her eyes....it's her or him...but in reality that's not what she really wants she just feels that way in her mind when insecure

I'm not having a go at you, I just feel there's not a lot of understanding about this illness and misconception.

Also just a thing I've noticed in this thread, you've made a lot of comments regarding this illness and things your wife does, but I've never seen you ask a question about why she does those things.

I do sympathise with you and understand the difficulties that you are facing daily and the mental strain and abuse you have received, I also worry for your wife.

Regards

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your thoughts The Borderline.

I appreciate your input and the valuable observations from a perspective of being able to better understand how she may view things.

As a person who doesn’t have these traits it’s hard for me to put myself in her shoes. There have been a lot of things I have tried to do as her partner and some of those I have previously mentioned - Amongst other things I have either been to, have suggested or assisted her with - doctors, counsellors, physchiatrist, self help books, YouTube help channels, family support, words of reassurance, giving space, not giving space, listening, talking, trying to ignore her outburst because reply anger doesn’t help, I’ve read the books you suggested., encouraged her As part of ‘us’. While that list isn’t exhaustive and I certainly don’t mean come across as ‘look at me’ I’m just not sure what else I could really do - especially when the moods continue to escalate - even if I understand her or have deeper understanding I can’t force her to change or do things differently. It’s the overall behaviour that has escalated and become completely destructive to relationships - not just hers and mine.

Another thing to keep in mind is I dealing with a person that represented themselves as someone totally different to who she actually is for our first 12 months together. There were lies and history omissions to slant what my perspective on her would be - as these have come out I have forgiven her and asked her to learn the value of being honest with your partner.... but Since our wedding day the blowouts have been occurring every 7-10 days and they could last a week - it’s very taxing. More recently it has been more or less continuous.

I do talk more from my perspective on this forum because As much as she needs to be understood I also need an avenue to talk, to allow my emotions some release and to see what other people who have experienced interaction with BPD traits have to say.

I value what you write - you can probably see her situation in a very different light to me.

None the less I am at a loss as to what more I couldve done while still protecting a young person through the escalation before the threads would eventually unravel.

She has said she wants out of ‘us’ more recently because she wants to stop hurting me. It’s probable as you indicated that she has been left undiagnosed for too long and the behaviours have become ingrained - she can’t find her way out.

[Guest_7403]

A good rule of thumb for you to know would be the harder she pushes you away and the more extreme her outbursts are...is just a sign of the inner turmoil that's going on inside her mind.

The calm after the storm of one of her explosions isn't her realisation that she needs to change and she's a new person.

The explosion is her "unhealthy" release of days of inability to get out how she's feeling.

She can only hold it so long without releasing. ......quiet day, quiet day, quiet day, quiet day and BANG! And as you say it's over something miniscule that a normal person wouldn't have that reaction too.

That's where you need to understand, the miniscule thing isn't the issue it's just the release.

I know you seemed to have tried lots of things and feel out of options and yes there is only so much you can do.

I know you've briefly touched on her past and that you don't have a good understanding of what happened to her.

From my experience and borderline specialist i see her triggers now can all be traced back to that early trauma...and it manifests in each of the 9 traits...She has developed coping techniques to survive that aren't healthy and it's about retraining yourself to ackowledge that....easier said then done.

For example, I was bullied terribly at high school and my friends from primary school stopped speaking to me due to peer pressure and I would spend lunch time in the toilet so people couldn't see me alone

Now when I meet people, or have acquaintances if I get a hint or misinterpret a comment they make that may seem as if they don't like me.....my fear of abandonment trait kicks in...And thus my unhealthy coping technique kicks in...my walls go up, I shut them out and break that connection.

Thus an unhealthy response to which I'm learning to ackowledge and change my view and response.

I don't think you can help your wife until you know her true past so that you can understand what her real triggers are and how they are manifesting now. What your seeing and dealing with is her coping mechanisms...That's all she knows to do to protect herself

Its not realistic to think she will just stop being like this in a week

Until she is ready to ackowledge her way of thinking and coping with situations is not healthy and is willing to speak to someone about that she will never change

And you also need to understand her past, triggers and reactions.

Take it easy mate

[TheFarSide]

Thank you for the considered response and thoughts Borderline.

I have only the knowledge she has been willing to share about her past at this stage. She was adopted pretty much from birth. Her childhood (at least what I’ve been told) isn’t dissimilar to my own - primary and high school with both good and bad times.

There is an element of sexual trauma late in the teens.

The adoption and the latter mentioned trauma are all I can suggest as points of origin at the moment.

I don’t think even with all the possible help available she could change in a week or even months. It may take years if work but first she has to be willing to recognise what’s going on and she isn’t there.

The main issue that I have to be accross is protecting others from harm. My first priority is to my child but I also expect that to be the same for her as well with her children. They should be her first priority.

For me on my own I could wear a lot but my 10 year old should not have to overhear comments like “they have no future and they are an expletive” ... that for me crosses the line between acceptable tolerable behaviour into a much darker and more damaging territory.

The dynamics change dramatically with kids coz everything I do isnt just affecting me - I am responsible for the care and upbringing of another human being. Their mental and physical health and well-being is my responsibility.

I could easily imagine my my kids mums response if I said my wife had yelled that our child was an “expletive” with no future . I know how I would feel if I heard it in reverse.

I have to look at reality - if I were my ex and I had knowledge the environment wasn’t healthy there would certainly be grounds to challenge what the custody arrangements look like - that changes immediatly the impact of every action and outburst my wife does and how I react.

I am not unsympathetic to my wife - I think my posts would indicate that I would dearly love for her to be in a better place and that I’d help and I know that’s not an overnight change - something truly deep has affected her - something that all the love and support her family are willing to invest can’t move her from. I don’t know what caused it coz she hasn’t shared any event outside the above stuff .. it’s possible it was the adoption but I just don’t know.

My apologies ‘borderline’ if I sound like I’m running on empty... while I have typed this I’ve recieved a continuous blast of texts telling me how no good my child and I am.

[quirkywords]

Theborderline and the Far Side and everyone reading ,

I have found that the discussion between Theborderline and The Far Side has been very informative , educational, challenging and full of respect and understanding.Thank you both for your contributions to this thread. I have them very helpful and insightful.

TheFarSide,

I can understand why protecting your child against harmful comments is your top priority.

I know this is different but when one of my children was young my mother had dementia and could say hurtful things to my children. My children knew she was ill but her words still hurt.

I learnt I had to protect my children .

Your words are full of love for your wife, confusion, disappointment, pain and exhaustion. Mostly I can feel the exhaustion in the last post. So I hope you are looking after your own health

You have let us into part of your life with honesty and understanding. You have disclosed personal feelings

and made yourself vulnerable. I am sure your words have helped many people who have read and haven't posted.

Quirky

[Guest_7403]

I would dare hazard a guess that the comments she's making about having no future etc are what she's thinking about herself.

Even the comment about you being a bad parent is probably her reflecting her thoughts about herself and projecting them onto you

Maybe ask her

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou for your message Quirky.

I do appreciate all the words and thoughts that people have shared through this experience. I don’t bare my wife any ill at all... I think she is probably punishing herself internally and will do so again to a different degree when everything has changed.

My wife has had many moods and emotions today but mostly they revolve around the sadness she feels for where things are. The long and the short being that she feels responsible, can’t undo the damage done and wants me (and my child) to be in a happier place.

Today is significant in that we signed an agent to sell... it was difficult time for her and she left to dry her eyes and find composure many times during the discussions and paperwork.

Today my wife has been caught between being ok, getting angry and then upset and cycling through those in a much quicker change pattern than usual. I did go to hug her in one of her low teary moments and she pushed me away so I let her be - but then she came over to me just minutes later and held on tightly.

Last night she sent many mean worded texts until I was forced to use a verbal tactic I’m not entirely comfortable with either to get her to stop. She was on a manic high speed phone text lash out - today almost the opposite - the messages are more apologetic and saying to love me she has to let me go.

I have found a few rentals locally and will hopefully sort something out ahead of Christmas ... As horrible as it sounds, I’m looking forward to finding some space and silence with myself for awhile.

Thanks to all who have read and given thoughts. I value the shared information and know that everyone will see things in their own way - just part of being human.

ps I am eating and taking care of myself. I have much to look forward to and even tho I do get moments feeling lonely and at odds with what’s happened.

[TheFarSide]

Thank you Borderline for the additional note that just came up above.

If there is capacity (along with a tactful moment) I will see if I can pose those thoughts/questions. Since the last bout of increased tension which basically sealed our marital fate we’ve been in the same house but apart - she has chosen to physically distance herself from me - meaning no shared sleeping arrangements and no tv watching together and so forth... she has said it would just be too hard. I’ve indicated I’m ok to sit together and watch something if she wanted but I was then accused (under her breath) of being unfeeling and she was glad I could just get on with it. Lots of anger beneath the surface at the moment.

I have got to the point of thinking if I open my mouth then one our 4 respective feet is going to get inserted at a record pace.

I’ll see how things go ...

[TheFarSide]

Tonight I really miss the company of my wife ... a feeling of emptiness and lonleyness has set in ... in times gone by we would watch tv on nights like These and just touch each other in typical couple ways - stroking hair, back massages and so forth... Between the battles had over the last 12 months we had time for the same... I am a person who enjoys being partnered - it is a very comfortable shoe and ‘home like’ feeling to have someone in your life that you connect with. I’m remembering of course a time when my wife was like another person in this relationship to some degree.

i know it’s grief... the silence in the air is almost ringing in my ears. It’s funny how you can almost hear silence when there’s no other noises about....This bedroom space feels devoid of life. I know Sleeping separately makes sense - Doesn’t mean I like it much even with all the difficulties... the fact is aside the BPD influences and matters that have been a marked influence on how things have been in my life for such a long time, there is still the pain and loss of a relationship I’d had so much hope for - the connection, the love, having a smile greet you when you get home. Sometimes just the simple stuff like a coffee when you need it... it All seems gone now. Just fleeting glimpses of a different time. It all feels vacant. This home is just a house now - this house will soon to be sold - the home no longer ours.

Time to sleep now.