Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

Is it OK to call you that?

It's great you are having a better time at the moment and I hope it will give you some time to recover.

I'm trying to remember if you have seen a mental health professional for yourself. How do you feel about this? I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist for several reasons.

1. You will always get a Medicare benefit which is a great help for the finances. This benefit will always be available.
2. The psychiatrist will probably have more knowledge and experience with those who have BPD. He/she will be able to talk about your wife's condition and better understand your frustration /anger/hurt etc.
3. You can ask your GP for a mental health plan which allows you to see a psychologist for ten visits. There is usually a gap payment, often similar to the psychiatrist gap payment. Any appointments after the initial ten will mean you pay the full fee until the next year when you can start another MH plan.
4. Hopefully you will not need many visits to either psych but I think it will be easier to return to the psychiatrist at any time if you wish to do so.

Hope that all makes sense. I am suggesting this as I think it would help you a great deal to talk to a professional about the pain you are enduring and to help sort out your options. The psych will not tell you what to but will help you resolve the enormous conflicting needs of everyone concerned. One thing I believe is certain. This conflict cannot go on much longer before something drastic happens, which may well be your mental health collapsing.

Please excuse me if I am being too directive. I do worry about you at this time because as an observer I can see so much of the whole picture and yes I know you can also but it is mostly from your point of view. The psych may feel able to speak for your wife in a way that makes sense to you and help with strategies for staying or leaving.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Mary for your message and suggestions. FS is quite ok - I’m not too fussed what I am called in all honesty 🙂

I’m currently seeing a psychologist through EAP. Depending on how things map out I will look to use the 10 Medicare appointments as well in the mix.

I am ok overall - Mentally and physically. It’s sure been a rocky road to get here and I definatley needed some time space for my own centre of gravity during the week for sure.

I’ve never been afraid to reach out for assistance when necessary - I value the counselling process that allows us to share and shed some of our thoughts - to work out the path to best travel in our own minds.

At this stage I haven’t altered any plans and preparations in my head for what the future looks like based on this latest calm period. It sounds harsh I know but I am simply prepared for any shifting sands.

My wife is back to being very loving and apologetic but i recognise that is just how that cycle works. That said she has tried to reach out in a positive way to her daughters and I think that is at least a good thing.

I’ll keep this short for now - Until I can better evaluate if there is any real desire to change or if this is just a pattern repeating.

Thankyou again - I value the messages, understanding and support that has come from everybody.

[TheFarSide]

Hi All

Thought I would take a moment to add to where things are given all that's been posted.

My wife seems to be trying to work on herself, the way she interacts and wanting to save this marriage - I say seems only because while I welcome the effort I am wary that an unforeseen trigger could set things off. That said she certainly has not exhibited any signs of falling back so far and her words are honest, factual and apologetic. A case of wait and see with open eyes still - hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

The interaction between the children (mine included) has been much better and overall the house feels like a normal home which is nice. The interaction between her and I has also been positive in nature - no niggles have arisen. She was aware I was just days away from taking some time to look for alternative accommodation as I had spoken to her about this. There may have been something in this conversation and the non emotional matter of fact approach I had to it that may have forced some re-evaluation on her behalf...

I'll leave it at that for now - with things in a better place with hopes that my next post can reveal the same story continuing.

Thanks for reading.

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou to all who have been part of this journey so far.

There isn’t a lot of real meat to add to the bones as yet other than a few tensions did set in but the stuff that could’ve boiled over seemed to be brought in to check.

It’s a hard task to also keep myself in check to ensure that I don’t behave like I’m walking on eggshells either.

I have to try to be as normal as I can with the way I talk, act and contribute to allow time to see if this will hold its course. I have found that the few subjects I’ve had to broach (that may have capacity to trigger things) have had me feeling a might tense before having said conversation. I could hear it in my voice - not relaxed.

As yet there haven’t been any steps taken on her behalf towards seeking professional services or looking to utilise any self help programs there may be. It would be pointless to force the issue because I’ve been there before and it just doesn’t work - this time I will leave her to choose whether to explore or do nothin in this area ... if she values what has occurred and where we are then hopefully she will loook to this guidance because it’s important for us and (her) to progress into a better space.

If she is able to achieve a better state of being without help then I won’t complain but truthfully I am going to watch carefully. Unfortunately I have to still be wary and approach with a healthy self measure of ‘eyes wide open’.

Thanks again for everybody who has tuned in - will see what some further time brings.

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide

Thanks for the updates, as it is really helpful to hear how things are going.

I can see you arelearning what works and what does not and that you have found that it is pointless to force the issue about self help programs or seeking professional help.

As you are learning what works and is helpful for the relationship, she maybe working out

what works for both of you as well.

Once again thanks for sharing your journey with honesty and insight.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Quirky

So things have regressed back to where we were about a week or so back... I wish I could put it down to one clearly identifiable matter that triggered a change and direction but that’s just not that easy. In the short time since I last posted there just seemed to be a deterioration in communication over a number of everyday matters than in reality should not have caused conflict or escalation.

There have been elements that are closer to not having any respect for me as a human being let alone a partner. The ability to have a basic discussion or even just everyday chatter just evaporated ... it is a sad position to end up in but crucially there just isn’t anything I could do that would’ve made a difference. Looking back over my words in just the time I’ve been on this forum I’ve talked about the relationship being over, then giving her some space as she seemed better, then off and on and off again. This kind of emotional shifting sands is not sustainable and isn’t one that I think serves as a good example for those that need adult guidance.

My wife at times simply behaves like a toddler. Right now im in black and not the white, not loved, not with her and not on her side, don’t see things her way so I must be removed from any form of emotional connection to her. Sad but time to let go. What’s she needs I can’t be. What I need she can’t give. If BPD people are able to mimic a perfect relationship partner at the start of a relationship I am puzzled as to why some (or not all) behaviours don’t remain with them as the relationship unfolds. If you can be a decent person at the start and that relationship is good for both why destroy it... that’s the difficulty with trying to logically apply sense to something that has none.

I will update further - I honestly can’t see things changing for the long term. All the moments and events I’ve endured and forgiven - many I’d forgotten until I just forced myself to evaluate today all the moments clouded by shadows... She may well say sorry in a week or so but I think inside my heart I know that long term isn’t viable for her...

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

So sad your relationship is deteriorating again. May I make an observation? This is meant with no disrespect to your wife but rather a general impression. When we are dealing with our own particular mental health issue life can get a bit frazzled. It depends on how intrusive the MH is and how much insight we have gained into ourselves.

In other words, perhaps your wife does not know herself at times and acts out of this situation because she is afraid. Not knowing herself makes for more confusion when it appears you can give only a short amount of your time.

I am falling asleep over the computer and I wonder if I am making sense, so I will sign off now. Go well

Mary

I wonder if your wife's reactions could be because she does not understand herself, or more likely, not understand why she behaves as she does. Is there simply too much confusion on why taking a certain action brings a certain consequence/ I really do not know how those with BPD think or why they take the actions they do. I know several people with this condition and they seem to manage OK, to be more or less comfortable with themselves and get on quite well with others. One person told me she had BPD, had been to a live-in workshop for several weeks and during that time had spoken with her psychiatrist about the friendship that appeared to be developing between us two.

The psych's advice to this person was not to form a friendship. She told me of this and added she could be a not very nice person at times and we should not become friends. I enjoyed her company and discovered we had a similar sense of humour, enjoyed similar things and got on well, so it was rather s shock to be told that we should both back off. I found it difficult to be kept at arm's length when we met on occasions. How she felt I have no idea. Her behaviour did not seem to change.

Obviously this was a woman who had some personal insight and was prepared to work on herself to be as reasonable as most of us are.

Your wife has little motivation to change because she gets what she wants without seeing how her behaviour is distressing to others. I don't know for certain but I wonder if this is a set-up. Your worker stays in the same position for much longer than is necessary. I wonder if that applies both to your working life and also to working alone.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your message Mary - even tired words against a computer screen are good to read...

I know I’ve spoken quite a bit about the relationship however there is so much much more I haven’t written because I have tried not to make who we are too identifiable. This has been more about ‘what if she saw it’ and confronted me. These are eggshells. Truth is I haven’t done anything wrong or anything I should be embarrassed about Other than slate a few heated words when pushed beyond reason.

Apart from a handful of days recently of her saying she is sorry and having ‘learnt her lesson’ (her words) she has really just not been a good human being to me - It’s not all anger either - some is just a complete lack of respect which is aimed just me - it’s almost a personal vendetta to create as much confusion and angst as possible. It’s been downright nasty how some of it has unfolded and I believe I let myself get caught in a cycle of forgiveness which is then enabling her to continue this way. My personality is unfortunately that key type that cycles repeatedly with those who have BDP traits and I have consequently found it hard to accept that this relationship will fail - and it will...it’s inevitable... in this way I have perpetually been on the Ferris wheel unable to get off. There has been a lack of respect for me and I paused to remember that I had written on this forum that I would need a phychiatrist to tell me why I keep subjecting myself to this if I stayed...

If we weren’t married I’d have gone already. I know that. This relationship would’ve run a natural course and I’d have realised it wasn’t going to work and ended it then... but when we married I Did take vows seriously and as a consequence I’ve let myself fall into all the trappings of a BPD relationship. I’m not sure why she doesnt just end it either.... it’s all loving at the start until suddenly you’re nothing - but if I’m nothing to her why doesn’t she let the relationship go.... I know that’s what They do but it doesn’t make sense unto itself to be self destructive and not self fulfilling.

She may not know who she is at all. I’d say this is most likely... some of her family members have been kind enough to let me know that they know exactly how she is, what she does and the damage it can cause. I have counselling next week and I’m looking forward to working through the next layer.

Tomorrow we should sign (in theory) with an agent - time to go.

[TheFarSide]

So many tears today from me. It’s been a difficult one. Sometimes there just is a sense of being lonely. She cried again - I hugged her but moved away from that after a few minutes... i got her tissues and let her be... she needs to find her own feet and right now she doesn’t seem able to find her way into a good space. Not sure I can add anything further of value to anyone reading right now. Likely to be just a difficult weekend.

[quirkywords]

FarSide , Mary and everyone reading and or nodding,

The FarSide,

This may sound really but I wonder if your wife chose you because she knew you would be forgiving .

I am sorry about your tears unless they are tears that soothe and reassure you or tears that clarify things.

I am not sure if you have seen a counsellor before so I am hoping their maybe insights and clarity opened up for you.

I think I have mentioned before that I have bipolar and I know that is different to Borderline Personality Disorder . I do know how hard my relationships were when I was in denial and untreated and even after I was medicated.

I found Marys story about her friend with BPD. I have a friend with BPD an the hardest thing I found was my friend would push me away by misreading my comments etc and even though I knew this was part of her illness I had been warned this would happen. It was very confronting because I felt I could never be given the benefit of the doubt. My bad typing caused lots of problems. Now however after several years I know what to expect and I don't react and get upset and I know a sorry email will come after the outburst.

Farside, I really appreciate your ability to share your vulnerability and your willingness to share your confusion and frustration.

Thanks

Quirky