Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[White_Rose]

Hello The Far Side and Theborderline

Both of your emails and points of view have merit. Theborderline sees things from the point of view of someone who has BPD while The Far Side sees the action from the spouse viewpoint. Two very different perspectives. Neither has the right to exclusive attention.

As an observer I can appreciate both points of view, but it's not my place to tell anyone what to do. Far Side, it's up to you to manage this situation with as much help and support as we can give you. Theborderline, it would be nice if you could give some specific suggestions to help Far Side, suggestions which include the reason and the 'how to'. It's a new ball game for Far Side in that he does not have the lived experience. BPD is difficult to manage as I understand it. Like many, if not all mental health issues, it is difficult for the affected person to be rational all the time. Most people have their 'days' and it's often a long process to gain the necessary insight.

Far Side there may still be time to rescue your marriage. Can both of you see the psychiatrist together? Ask him/her to help you make a plan to help both of you through the very difficult time. Set boundaries on what is acceptable from each, how to manage blow ups (both people), and how and when to speak to each other. These are important areas which need to be worked on. You also need to recognise that changes will not happen fast.

Your conversation about your wife not wanting to attend a DBT group sounds a bit like the way my husband (now ex) used to tell me to lose weight. Yes I was over weight and I tried hard to lose it but had no real support from the ex other than a suggestion he would buy me a bikini when I had become slim again. He would not eat 'healthy' meals to keep me company but insisted on all those foods I should not eat. No surprise I never lost weight. I felt he saw me as being attached to him and should be beautiful. I saw him as having no compassion or common care for me. We separated and I do not believe he has any idea why.

Now your circumstances are different Far Side but it seems as though both of you are unable to see what the other sees. Hence my suggestion of joint therapy sessions for a while. Whether or not this will help I have no idea, but if it doesn't work perhaps the psych can help with an alternative.

Mary

[Guest_7403]

I typically refer family members to read the books "walking on egg shells and love me, don't leave me"

They by far give the greatest insight into how someone with borderline thinks and views the world.

Everything is black or white, there's no colours in between....it either is or isn't.

So in terms of speaking to her about options and making things work, her mind doesn't view it that way.....your either with her or not in her mind. And if she feels your not she will react in the anger outbursts that have become a regular in your household.

There's no point in trying to have such a critical conversation to your lives when she is having an episode or on the verge of having an episode.

Start with.....when your ready I'd like to discuss us and our options....give her time to think about what she wants, so that she has time to rationalise her thoughts.

I'm lucky in that I have such an understanding wife who knows my triggers and thus gives me space during an episode, it's the only way to deal with it. I too am like a toddler throwing a tantrum during an episode....no amount of talking to me will change that

It's also important not to gas light your wife, if you know something that is bothering her don't fuel that fire.

I'm always happy to help people understand more about borderlines, but to often I see people cast them aside as toxic people who bring nothing but hate and problems.

I'm sure your wife loves as equally hard as she does hate, it's most likely what enforces that anger when she goes into fight or flight mode

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou Mary and Borderline for your posts and insight.

Thankyou for the book suggestions - funnily enough I had ordered the “eggshells” last week and is on the way. I will have a look into the other book you have suggested as well.

Today my wife is willing and able to talk. We had even dropped each other a few ‘how are you’ texts during the day and I was greeted with open arms when I returned from work.

We then had a conversation about where things are, what we wanted and what needed to be worked out. She said she wanted to work on the relationship and appologised repeatedly for being such a ‘horrible person’ - in her words. I did what I can to reassure her and move her away from that thought process. She also seems willing to explore trying a few things out - at least it’s a starting point - whether that’s joint counselling with the physchiatrist I’m not sure as yet.

We also discussed the matter with children I had flagged in previous messages - it being one that I can’t shift on and is a boundary. She understood and I can only hope this isn’t something that gets tested.

I also appreciate the weight loss and bikini analogy and the support that wasn’t there. I’ll need to work out what part of the joint work piece I am part of but also what part of the triggers I might be as well.

From what I have seen she also behaves like a toddler when the mood shifts and I need to learn to let her have the space necessary to go through that process. This is a lesson for me to learn as I’d always been taught to never let the sun go down on an argument...

I know that tomorrow things could be different again but I can’t plan around that - I can only be prepared. Its a shorter post this time around but at least a post with some hope where none really seemed to really exist.

Thankyou again for taking the time to read and to provide your thoughts. Will have to see what unfolds from here.

[TheFarSide]

Yesterday’s thoughts:


So there is no doubt both of us are somewhat like bruised fruit from this experience - I feel thoroughly put through the ringer. She may also...


We are speaking well and she has committed to doing the DBT workshop which I can help, assist & be part of depending upon what works best.


While still being supportive both of us clearly need a little time still right now just to breathe and let the moments get behind us a little in time.


My child is coming over tonight and I am nervous inside... I have lost so many good weekends with my kid with fights erupting over the littlest things...
In the midst of it all the heated voices during the last school holidays I had to return my little person back to mum a few days early. This was due to all of the instability and anger in the house and it was choice that again I felt I had to make... that of course meant explaining to mum what the situation was.


I am worried that despite the boundaries we discussed and agreed upon that things may simply blow up again - I don’t want to pre-empt things but it’s also been the history of things.


I’ve always given my wife the opportunity to come along, be included and participate in anything I plan as a dad but these days she never comes.


Today’s reality:


I have been walking on eggshells the entire time my child has been here and she asked me why.
She could sense I was a little different and I know I have been. It’s been a very difficult experience to be yelled at, told I was uncaring, a liar and a manipulated and that my child is garbage.
I then told her about how I’d felt - that most weekends when my child appears there are fights. That I was nervous and that in reality I need some time for things to centre again - for the bruise to heal...


The last month had been almost non stop with aggression and it was disturbing to be on the end of. No one I know who has been privy to our relationship want me to stay where I am anymore - basically the general view is it’s untenable & unhealthy.


From the conversation I know my wife couldn’t understand why we could all just be back to being happy with no worries and then started the let her unhappiness show through her words and actions.


I know there are some people who will disagree but having a disorder doesn’t make the wounds any less real to the people they are inflicted upon.

She says her heart wants to keep me but her head says let go.

[TheFarSide]

So it fell apart...

There is nothing left to salvage and I don't want to this time. Nerves are raw. Emotions have been trampled on and beaten down at every opportunity. Maybe she has it tough - maybe having BPD is one step away from total misery - but the words, attacks and actions that come from a person with BPD when the moment shifts are pure venom and has no boundaries.

The best thing now is to continue on with the agent process - to sell and settle quick and to move away from each with 'no contact' as soon as possible. We have no children together and no need to speak beyond selling the house and down the track, signing the divorce application.

I am still deeply saddened at the loss of love/relationship but I am accepting of the fact I could do nothing more without just becoming a human doormat and punching bag. This merry go round today was so familiar - I could almost set a clock to the mood/thought process swing.

There was a set of words that set the world on fire - about children - mine in particular and parental instincts kicked in. There are limits to what is acceptable. I have felt the brunt far too often only to forgive and offer compassion for such a long time now. There is no logic to it and I simply cant make it work - if I stay any longer I will need a psychiatrist to help me uncover what issues I must have that made me stay in such a hostile environment. This isn't just 2 weeks of a couples disagreement - this is 2 years of mental dancing on a knifes edge.

Before I was even aware there was an issue to face, the DBT work book was apparently already back in my drawers. The reality is she was never going to look at it. She doesn't seem to care - almost as cold as ice -water off a ducks back. I struggle with this - there are so many forums online with stories from ex partners of BDP who struggle to understand what the heck just happened - where is the person I met?

Sad is the loss of love.

[quirkywords]

theFarSide,

I am so sorry that things have worked out like this and I can feel your pain and disappointment.

I can understand why you have made your decision.

You said “ I know that some people will disagree bunt having a disorder does not make the wounds any less real to the people they are inflicted upon”.

I agree with that and of course the wounds hurt.

How do you see yourself moving on? Would you consider talking to a counsellor?

Thanks for sharing your story with such honesty and I hope you can find some peace in the future.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the message Quirkywords.

I have been using EAP and will continue to do so during this process. The counsellor has been very knowledgeable about the workings of BDP and how it can be to be both the person with and the recipient.

I've also done a lot of reading - books like Stop walking on eggshells, the DBT Workshop and High Conflict Couples as well as used the extensive pro and con views available online. Its given me a good perspective from which to look at my involvement - to know how and when I was co-dependant - to see if there were better approaches that may have guided us to a different outcome. It also has given me some skills to take forward.

So I don't feel like I am to 'blame' or 'jaded' by the experience as such (and I don't label her with 'blame' or 'guilt' labels either). I doubt I could have seen this coming, how it would effect us all or done anything more once it had started to reduce the impacts I certainly cant force her to address what is essentially part of her make up. Now its fully on her shoulders to seek help if that's what she chooses (and I hope she does).

Yesterday I broke down in a stream of tears at work. I felt physically ill... I am grieving the loss of something I had so much hope for... I've been to my Doctor and sought assistance there as well...

But the reality is ... as always - the sun will rise tomorrow... I'll need to go to work... my child needs a dad. So I pick myself up - what else can you do.

The next few months while we sell and separate of course wont be easy. I still love and care for her. She knows that. And already in her own way she's tried to pull me back again to look for capacity to continue this relationship through her messages but refuses to acknowledge any responsibility or willingness to address her part in the mix.

Its horrible to say but I'm content in myself that I could do no more but the story isn't over yet so I will post further - I hope my story can be of some use to others.

[Guest_820]

Hello TheFarSide

So much written, so much said, so much to think about your posts.

Am so sorry for You + Feel Your Pain of Frustration...

Both of You Victims in Beyond your Own Circumstances...

You have repeatedly mentioned about still loving her...

What happened with Your marriage Vows?

"Until Death Do Us Part"...

Perhaps that doesn't seem to be applicable in this day + age as "anything seems to goes" to many...

You married your wife for how you saw her...Her fine good qualities. Then within an instant she "changed" something that's totally out of her control that you weren't aware off..

True Love means that if someone who has an illness, you just don't pick up your "bags + go" no matter how difficult the ride gets. Yes, it's extremely difficult for you to accept her illness, your being a compassionate caring person as you are...

"Until Death Do Us Part"...

Perhaps you haven't thought enough of the seriousness of those marriage vows...

regards,

from another borderline - chikkenleggs

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for your response chikkenleggs.

I do consider my wedding vows quite serious... but at what point do you say that is no longer acceptable... Whether it is physical or emotional abuse it is still abuse and it leaves a mark... I can honestly say I love her but I can no longer accept this behaviour for me or my child...

Additionally where is her responsibility in all of this - she has an onus, especially having been diagnosed, to address things for the benefit of all - having BDP is not a licence to behave poorly. I think I even would've been happy with her just working through the DBT workbook with me - just to make a start towards addressing what is causing things to be the way they are.

Maybe some would chose to stay - maybe my version of compassion isn't as resilient as some - however the internet is littered with how BPD has impacted people on both sides of the fence.

While there is merit to your words about 'til death do us part', like the responsibility aspect I mentioned above, there is also an onus of honesty that falls to 2 people when setting out on a journey like this together. I thought we had an open dialogue but things weren't spoken about from her side and many things were kept from view prior the marriage. Like most people who start dating we have some faith that the person before us is actually telling us who they are and it is based on that knowledge that we make significant steps in our lives like marriage.

If I could make it work I would - in none of my messages do you ever see that I don't wish things were different - but I can only control me and what I do...

[quirkywords]

hello everyone

As Mary wrote in an earlier post

”This forum is for everyone who needs a place to vent their feelings, ask for helpful suggestions and understand this is a safe place to be. Because it is safe we can, within the bounds of courtesy, talk about anything that troubles us.”

I think that is the key that it is a place for us to express our feelings and sometimes we may disagree with other people but we are always respectful.

Chickenleggs , I can see you feel passionately about To Death do us part” and many people feel that but there are times when people suffer physical and emotional abuse where that is made almost impossible.

Also it is hard to know all the details of a poster. it is helpful that you expressed your thoughts.

Farside, I am glad you have been able share your story and I can see you are feeling sad about the decision you are making as it has been very difficult for you.

Only you can decide what to do and what is best for you and your child.

I want to thank you for your patience and respect when answering people’s replies.

I understand that this has been a difficult time and you have posted here to communicate what you have been going through . It has been a very emotionally draining time.

Thank you again for your honesty.

Quirky