Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

[Guest_5809]

I have been in this vicious cycle for so long now and nothing gets better. I am battle fatigued. Truely just numb. Single parent to 2 teens with mental health issues and a narcissistic ex ( kids father). I have experienced my ex attempt suicide, my youngest who was 10 yo at the time attempt suicide and my now 14yo attempt suicide 4 times. I live an emotional roller coaster that I vant keep up wth unless I self medicate. I have 2 inpatient admissions in 7 months cause I just can't see any light left. We exist not live. I am totally lost. We have support services in place but nothing changes . I don't know how other people seem to cope and I can't. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I feel damaged and broken. I don't want pity and I know there are lots doing it harder than I am. I want to know how to survive this or is it possible t survive ths? And please don't advise me to self care. I truely have little or know time to myself to address my own needs as my chidrens needs are high plus I work to pay bills. Sorry to sound grumpy and selfish. I am just lost and feeling hopeless.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Croix]

Dear Dotti~

All I can say is firstly I'm sorry and secondly I seriously doubt you are in any way responsible. The writing has been on the wall and I suspect drugs have been the finish.

For some people anyone that frustrates them or gets in their way is a target.

I know you realy hurt in your heart, I'm asking about your physical self - are you harmed? Same question for your younger son too?

Croix

[blondguy]

Dear Dotti

I really hope you are okay and not injured in any way

You have been here for a long time and I hope you can let us know how you are....

Dotti and the word 'failure' dont go together in the same sentence...

I hope you can post back when you are comfortable doing so Dotti

Paul

[Guest_5809]

Hi Paul and Croix. Not physically injured but the mental pain is huge. I have tried as a mother to bring these boys up to be respectful kind loving boys. I have failed.

[Croix]

Dear Dotti~

I know in your current circumstances you won't really accept this - maybe you will think of it later on.

Being a parent does not come with a guarantee of success, either that the child will grow up physically intact and not succumb to illness or misadventure, or that the child will respond as we dearly hope and be a good human being. No amount of love, effort, example and self-sacrifice can always overcome other factors.

I have often said, and will keep saying, you are an admirable mother trying your hardest in impossible circumstances and it is taking an enormous toll on you, so much so that at times you feel driven to the point of taking your life.

I, Demonblaster, Paul, Startingnew and all the others feel for you

Croix

[Guest_5809]

And I am bloody drained off emotional energy again. Am so annoyed with myself that the benefits of respite word off so quick. What a bloody miserable existence this is yet somehow I need to accept this all I will ever have 😟😟

[Doolhof]

Dear Dottibluebell,

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard the struggle can be! I have not walked in your shoes, but I do understand the immense desire to want all you are going through to be over with, different, better some how and for it all to just go away.

Right now it may be all that you have. I try to tell myself that even a little change in my thoughts and reaction to life can make things a little better.

Even if it is making a cup of coffee and looking out the window at the garden for a while, it is better than starring at the wall crying.

Cheers from Dools

[Guest_5809]

My mind cannot switch off enough to even have a quick change of thought. I am surrounded by spiralling chaos. It’s kust spiralling. Our family is in the too hard basket How sad.

[Croix]

Dear Dotti~

I may have missed you elsewhere, I've been wondering how you are going. The fact you did feel better in respite lets you know life can be better. Your older son's behavior is beyond the pale, but how is your younger son?

Mrs D is giving a wise suggestion, trying for a brief time to send your mind outside into a restful place with a cuppa does provide a bit of a break, even if you think it unrealistic.

Croix

[Guest_5809]

My youngest son is struggling. He told me tonight he is emotionally drained. He just wants a happy family o am trying really hard to spend time with him nurturing him whilst trying to balance my older son flying into abusing aggressive rages. All I want is 2 happy kids. It seems impossible. It’s going to come down to choosing one child over another. How can I do that as a mother?

[Croix]

Dear Dotti~

I think you realize that your younger son may be the most important at this stage. I don't think parents do give up, so I'd be silly to suggest you gave up on your eldest. However by protecting your youngest you will go against what your eldest wants, can't be helped.

His abusive rages sound rather scary. How do you deal with them?

Croix