Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

[Guest_5809]

I have been in this vicious cycle for so long now and nothing gets better. I am battle fatigued. Truely just numb. Single parent to 2 teens with mental health issues and a narcissistic ex ( kids father). I have experienced my ex attempt suicide, my youngest who was 10 yo at the time attempt suicide and my now 14yo attempt suicide 4 times. I live an emotional roller coaster that I vant keep up wth unless I self medicate. I have 2 inpatient admissions in 7 months cause I just can't see any light left. We exist not live. I am totally lost. We have support services in place but nothing changes . I don't know how other people seem to cope and I can't. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I feel damaged and broken. I don't want pity and I know there are lots doing it harder than I am. I want to know how to survive this or is it possible t survive ths? And please don't advise me to self care. I truely have little or know time to myself to address my own needs as my chidrens needs are high plus I work to pay bills. Sorry to sound grumpy and selfish. I am just lost and feeling hopeless.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Mitchell07]

Having read your posts (in particular the very small point about the family reaction). My admiration for how well you have held up for so long with a strain that would cripple most is only matched by the rage that the so called family provoke; not only disavowing contact when you needed it the most but dealing untold psychological damage to your kids by telling them you are unfit. I can reference both therapeutic guidelines and psychiatric texts to atest to why that makes me so mad. But much kudos to you for how well you have carried the situation so far, i think you could do

[Guest_5809]

Thank you for your words of support Paul keeps me going at the moment. It really does.

Mitchell07

thanks for your message of support I wish I was as strong as you all think I am. I am not.

If you all knew knew how weak I am you would be disgusted.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

Frankly I don't think I share your definition of weak, and I doubt anyone else here does either. And as for being disgusted you don't even come close. As an ex-cop I know disgusting.

Being strong is not being superwoman, it's all about surviving hard times as best you can. You are here, You love your kids, so that makes you strong in my book.

Hard times are just that - hard. Overwhelmingly so. I think one of the really sad things about getting though great adversity is that one loses one's feelings of self-worth. One thinks because one has to do this or not do that, and it does not meet the 'pretty' standards of those that live comfortable lives then one feels a failure.

You know the saying about walking a mile in someones shoes, those that have walked your path know what real strength is, what it takes to survive and keep going.

Loneliness is a terrible thing, and sadly there are a host of people that don't have the comfort of another.

When my first wife passed away after 25 years I advertised for another (sounds cold hearted and calculating, it was not) I got 50+ responses, all lonely. A sad state of affairs.

Can't help there, but do understand.

Croix

[Guest_5809]

I appreciated your words a lot. My youngest who was 10 At time was sexually sssaulted by a group of 9 years olds. That has totally destroyed all I ever believed about the world. Our world stopped and more than ever I want to get off the wheel ever since.

[Guest_5809]

Croix.

i have never seen any value in my self. I loath my self and my life. I want to be a great mum but I have such anxiety an depression I am frozen to do anything outside with the kids. I am such s disgusting disappointment to family. " loser" in the eyes

[Doolhof]

Dear Dottibluebell,

I've not read the whole of this thread, just caught up with a few of the last posts. I am so very sorry that your youngest had to endure such an horrific attack! It frightens me at times to think of how this world is functioning or not functioning well is more to the point in a lot of cases.

For years I have battle with feeling like I have no purpose or meaning and what am I here on earth for. My new psychologist gave me some homework, it was to write Forgiveness letters to all people I feel have hurt me.

Starting with my parents and than my husband, I realised I needed to forgive myself. I forgave myself for sometimes being in the wrong place at the wrong time and not knowing how to help myself. I forgave myself for my choices that helped to cause me pain and for harbouring so much hurt.

Through the process, I have realised how much all of that baggage has prevented me from seeing opportunities for today and the future. I feel somewhat liberated. I have a long way to go, but the effort I am putting into this is beneficial.

For me it is about letting go of stuff, accepting it and realising I don't need to keep dragging it all around with me. This process has also helped me to let go of the negative hold I feel my family have had on me. It has all been my own way of thinking and believing that has made that such a struggle for so long.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to do, especially forgiveness of self in my case. Being able to let go though is so rewarding and liberating!

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

That assault would have been earthshattering for both of you. It would make you lose your faith in humanity and generate fear and mistrust that can last a lifetime. All that plus many people find ways to blame themselves too.

Sadly you are living the legacy even now. I know it's just me saying it but the blame lies firstly with those sub-human 9 year olds, with your ex's treatment, and all those that put you down.

When you live with a great weight pressing you down for a long time you still think you should behave the same as those with easy lives -and compare yourself unfavorably.

I suppose you think we are off-track when we say you are a strong and worth-while person. Well, we see from the outside, know the ongoing pressures and think it is great you are as good as you are.

I've said it before and don't know how you do it, but you do need some sort of break. It can make a big difference.

Croix

[Guest_5809]

Thank you thank you thank you. I am struggling and having it acknowledged along with all the crap in my life has made me cry. I don't want to feel pain sorrow and the weight anymore. Croix I feel no one really gets me like you have. I wish I had someone like you on my side in real life. I have no one nothing left

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

Sadly understanding your hurt and despair is not hard. I'm a very ordinary person who can relate because of my past life - policeman+mental illness.

I guess what you can get out of this evening is that there are people in this world who you could be with and it would work out.

I know I'm probably reminding you of loneliness but at least you know they are out there. They don't have to have my background, they just have to recognize there are toxic people and also good. They have to be aware of the harm the bad can do, and how long that harm can last.

When you are in a world with a terrible past, a cruel family and constant fear and worry it is hard to see outside to count the good people.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Dotti

you are that far away from being disgusting its not funny

My daughter has self harmed....a few times....and she wont get on the forums...which is her decision

I wish she would see a doc though.....but she wont....grrrr.....thats her decision too.....grr

you are so strong (I understand you think you arent) for being here with us Dotti

great to have you as part of our family 🙂

Paul