Anxiety issue

[BballJ]

Hi all,

I took abit of convincing myself to join the forums and write in here but just wanted some advice.

in the past two weeks, I have had anxiety spiralling out of control, I am unable to concentrate at work or at home, I continually think of the worst case scenario in anything, I wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks (heart racing, in shaking, heavy breathing) I haven't slept more than 4 hours each night and during the day I am in a constant stressed state that by 2 pm I am tired as can be, I hate being alone, if I'm driving I feel the need to call someone just so I can get my mind off my anxiety and contanst worry feelings. I have lost my appetite, eating maybe one meal a day simply because I cannot eat. I have tried natural over the counter medicine to try and alleviate the anxiety and calm me down but they don't work.... Does this sound like GAD and should I see a doctor about medication?

thank you in advance for your replies.

Jay

[Wednesday]

Hi Jay,

You are doing a lot of work to fix yourself. I hope hope wife understand the effort you are putting in. That said it takes two to form a relationship. It is pretty rare for one to be all right and one to be all wrong Do you think it would be useful to have your wife go with you to the Psych just to get a better understanding of what is happening? Your marriage is still new and you have along life to get to right (whatever that means). Stay positive and focus on each other but let yourselves be vulnerable too. By the way have you had a date night recently?

Every person I know has issues and often they are family issues, its not surprising if you think about it. Families are such an intense dynamic. I doubt very much if there is anything you could say that would shock or surprise me. I am as you will have realised older than you and still have my own unresolved family demons. I realised that I could spend the rest of my life angry, upset, sad, resentful about the family stuff or I could tell all those emotions to go get knotted. Of course nothing is that simple and without the AD's I wouldn't have made it this far.

Did you give taking AD's any more thought?

You are a little bit hard on yourself. I have no doubt that you keep smiling and moving forward. It isn't your job to make the world smile, especially when you don't feel so hot yourself. What do you need from the world right now?

Hugs, x

[BballJ]

Hi Ava,

My psych actually said down the track she wants us both to come to counselling together because she see's so many problems with our relationship but she needs to work on me first before she can work on us, if that makes sense. We haven't had date night in ages, i suggested to go to the movies tomorrow night after my basketball game and she said yes, so we will see how that goes. Had another argument yesterday over trivial stuff and that is what is getting to both of us, as I look back it was my GAD that caused me to get upset over a tiny issue, but i am sure you understand that from my wife's point of view.

You are right, everyone has family issues and a lot go unresolved, i don't put mine any higher than anybody else's and i tend not to talk about it but to give you an idea, my mum took off overseas when i was 18 for a holiday to see her family and never came back, just up and left and i never recovered from that emotionally i have worked out and that was right around the time my anxiety started so 10 years of anxiety just took its toll on me this year and i finally reached out for help. I am glad to hear of your success story with the AD's and glad you made it this far because you make such a difference to people on these forums and myself alone and as i've said before, i could never thank you enough just for taking time out of your day just to reply and help me out.

I don't think i need anything from the world, I just want the world to be happy, it is so negative and that's why i said i just want to a shining star in a world full of dark stars. I saw a video the other day on facebook, it was about trying to make people smile and laugh and they simply put this man on a train full of people and he was watching something on his iPad and he started laughing hysterically at what he was watching, and smiling and laughing is contagious and everyone on the train initially was like "what is wrong with this guy" but they realised he was just happy and laughing and smiling and then everyone on the train was laughing and smiling just because he was. That's what life is about for me... i know it may seem silly and i know for me it is a coping mechanise to my mental health but at the same time, knowing people around me are happy, is nice.

Apologies for the long winded post, i hope you are doing well and P also, Did you end up going out this weekend?

Hugs, Jay

[Wednesday]

Hi Jay,

It sounds like your psych is on the ball. 🙂

I do hope you can both relax and date night is super fun for you both. It's odd has we argue about trivial stuff. The argument is rarely about the subject but something else that has gotten under our skin. Relationships are hard work, but worthwhile, baby steps.

I'm so sorry if you felt like I was giving you a hard time, you are fine the way you are. You sound like a delightful man that is working hard, struggling a little (with very good reason) and trying to find your path in the world. There is no need to thank me I enjoy our chats, you're very sweet and kindness adds to my life too. I'm sure your wife loves this about you.

Your mum up and leaving must have been absolutely horrible, I am so sorry you had to go through that. parents are supposed to be there for you regardless, unconditional love! Eighteen is so very young to be thrown into the big world alone and to have to somehow come to terms with your mum leaving. I can't imagine what could have happened to make her do such a thing. Children are supposed to leave parents not the other way around. I feel quite cross with her on your behalf, my would I like to have a word with her about her abusive behaviour. Ooo my hackles are up! I can only hope that it was because she had her own issues and was to unwell to manage... mutter, mutter, mutter.

Please don't allow this experience to reflect on how you feel about yourself, it was never you.

Your self esteem must have taken quite a beating and it is no wonder that GAD raised its ugly head. I understand there is a genetic component to mental health issues. I wonder if you can see it in either of your parents?

Talking of long winded (which is not problem) one more thought.. Your wife also needs to take responsibility for her share of the relationship, you know it is never all one person. She too can organise to have individual counselling, which she may find a useful?

I know so well your desire to make people happy, I do the same. Someone (S) I know was waiting for a bus and chatting to a another passenger when they said it was their birthday. When they had all got on the bus and sat down S got up and had the entire bus sing happy birthday to the person. I would never be that brave but do love the story.

P and I went out for coffee but the wind etc had me back to my DV imitation and steering clear of ambulances more muttering.

Hugs, x

[BballJ]

Hi Ava,

It's such an interesting dynamic regarding my mum, I never thought i'd vent it out on a public forum but at the same time these forums and people like yourself have helped so much. Most people react the way you did, especially mothers who can somewhat relate and can't bare the thought of leaving their kids. I guess for me, my mum was always great growing up, she did everything for us and was always there and to have that taken away in the blink of an eye was just heartbreaking for me. I am the only boy out of my silblings and i guess i had a good mother-son bond. My mum at the time was battling depression, she is from another country and said she missed her family and needed to go see them, I understood as did my family and she went, it was only a few days after we found out from an uncle overseas she didn't want to come back because she wanted to get happy for herself, unfortauntly we found out it wasn't to see her family, she left for another man who found her somehow and contacted her, they went to school together apparantly (They are now married). I'm sorry to go into it in so much detail but after 10 years, it's nice to finally get it out there. I bottle it up so much which is why I am where i am. My dad is in counselling now, my younger sister has been previously. It affects everyone differently these family situations, anything from a death, a parent not being around, abusive parents etc the lasting affects are devastating and one i hope one day i can use and help people with who go through similar situations.

My wife may have her own things to deal with, but she is quite strong at the same time, much like me, i don't show emotion but my psych said down the track we both have to come in together.

That is such lovely story about the bus, I feel it's something i would do, but like you, would i be brave enough hehe. I find people like us, who have mental health clouds hanging over their heads... we all want one thing and that is to be happy, simple as that and to see others happy around us. baby steps as you say 🙂

The wind was crazy today which flared up my hayfever so i understand how it could of flared up your DV imitation. At least you went out for coffee, Is P doing any better since he got back, i know you said he had been getting a little moody?

Hugs, Jay

[Wednesday]

Hi Jay,

Thanks for telling me about your mum. It is a sad story, mental health comes at quite a price not only for their person but their loved ones too. It is lovely that the memories you have of your mum are nice and she clearly did a great job with the tools she had, while she could. Her son turned into a very nice man! Are you in contact with her now? I'm sure given that she has had her regrets, those dam brain terrorists.

I've said more than I ever have on the forums and always feel a little gob smacked later. Then I remind myself it is anonymous and it is my story not necessarily a nice story but the only one I have. People on the forum are always lovely, which makes it so much easier and sort of normalises things.

By the way as Paul has said to you before you are already helping people by being on the forums. You help me 🙂

Your wife sounds fabulous, I'm sure I would love her. Being strong can get you a long way but you need to let all that hurt out too, otherwise it eats you from the inside out.

P is okay. His children aren't my greatest fans about a year ago they decide I wasn't to be a grandmother to their babies. I was devastated, the emails I still have and can't understand why they were so rude the son said he didn't think that I would want to be involved with the children, something about not being a biological relation. I do have my own much adored children. I was very careful not to try to be a mother to P's kids, he has an ex that fulfils that role. I just wanted to be a part of the family. For a few years I had a fabulous relationship with P's grandchildren and loved them to bits.

Anyway Christmas is looming and my daughter has asked us to go to visit her interstate this year, every other year they have come to us. P has decided he is staying with his family and I am to go alone. It is a truly tricky spot. P wont be able to cope over the next few months and his anxiety will build.

He is going to visit his son and his family in the country, next weekend. This means a weekend without a car for me. No the world wont come to an end and I can cope. I just hate that P and his adult children don't seem to see me as family and I will be left without transport, sometimes walking is difficult. His children and their family have got what they wanted, no me.

And so the BT's start up and I doubt myself more and more.

Sorry to end on a downer.

Jay I hope you are having a good day and that date night went well.

Hugs, x

[BballJ]

Hi Ava,

I may have not explained what i mean't partly regarding my mum, I don't know if my mum was battling depression in a real way, I feel she may have used it as a reason to go back home but she left for another man, I always hope she didn't use depression as a cover because of how real the illness actually is. She acted depressed and convinced us she needed to go see her family because she missed them, it was only a few days after she left, we found out the truth. I know she regrets it, I used to have limited contact with her for a few years after, mainly emails or text message, occasional phone call, had seen her a couple of times when she came over to visit my sister but i always needed to bring a buffer with me (My wife, friend etc) because I never wanted to be alone just her and me, I get extremely quiet when i was around her, i wouldn't say a word, and for anyone who knows me and hangs around me, i am usually the loudest, trying to make everyone laugh. These day's as i've got older, i haven't spoken to her for 3 or 4 years, i cut all ties because i couldn't deal with having relationship with my mum via a text message. She reaches out to me every now and then, my psych thinks i have to see her and speak to her to start recovering from my GAD but it is a hard first step to take, one that i never thought would be this hard.

I am sorry to hear about your relationship with P's children, it is never easy, My dad re-married and i have a step mum, I'd want her apart of my kids lives, she never tried to be a mother to me either, she has helped me but I understand what you are saying in the fact you never tried to replace their mum. It's a very tough situation and one that just doesn't seem all that fair on you. Does P wear this as well, does he not like the fact his kids i guess treat you in this manner? It does seem like it would contribute to GAD. You sound like a great mother to your kids and I did read a post from you a while ago where one of your kids said something to you about always being there for them and being a great mother, even though you didn't feel like it, that says a lot about you and that's the impression I get, you are a great mother and grand mother 🙂 I hope in time his family can come around and make you apart of their family cause i feel they are missing out on something. Please don't get down on yourself too hard, always remember, you can't let the BT's win.

My best for you as always.

Jay

[Wednesday]

Hi Jay,

Your mum has missed out on knowing an amazing man. As a mum I can’t quite come to terms with a parent leaving their child. Maybe she was depressed maybe not, either way the impact on you and your sister has been very unfair. I’m glad that she has regrets it shows that she wasn’t just being narcissistic.

My ex left and married another woman with children and had very little to do with his own very young children. I’ve seen first-hand the damage that can be done by this sort of behaviour. My babies (yes they will always be my precious babies) dealt with it differently but have managed somehow, neither want anything to do with him.

I feel so sad hearing you story you must have gone through hell trying to work out what it was you did and why she didn’t love you. Kids always blame themselves. Of course she did love you in her own peculiar way at that time, but did a horrible job of showing it.

Whether you see her again or not is up to you. It is hard this woman is your mother and broke your trust. Your mum that was there for 18 years suddenly wasn’t and her explanation didn’t ring true to you. Your whole family was turned upside down, you probably found yourself supporting your dad and sister too, it must have been an awful time, so very confusing. To make matters worse your poor brain was still developing. If you look back 18 isn’t so old after all is it?

Your psych’s thinking that it is related to your GAD and seeing her may help is interesting. Baby steps. It is a big step to see your mum again, but if it helps you manage your GAD maybe worth considering rather than living with the BT's for ever? Maybe with your psych in the room, with ground rules and a time limit and anything else you need to keep you as safe as possible? When you go quiet around her do you know what is happening or is it some sort of shock reaction?

On my front... Even 10 or so years after P and his ex divorced they still acted in many ways as if they were a married couple. P did have other girlfriends, the ex didn't want another relationship. When I came on the scene that changed. Initially I didn’t care, I do now. His kids just want to have their family as it was and I upset that. They let me know in many ways some subtle, some not. I’ve been around for going on 8 years and you probably can’t find a photo of me. It’s an impossible position.

Trust your yourself, I know that GAD make it hard for you to trust yourself, but try, follow your gut on this one.

Hugs, x

[BballJ]

Hi Ava,

It's been over 10 years since it all happened and I never dealt with it.. which in reality i guess means i never fully understood why a parent would leave their children behind, like i said to my psych, i am not in denial or anything I understand marriages do not always work out and a lot of the time people hang in there just for the kids, but their is a big difference i think in leaving you kids in general or divorcing your partner and moving into a new house whilst still wanting to be apart of your kids life. I never could wrap my head how any one you pick option one, especially my own mum. Yes i did end up having to support my dad and my 2 sisters in a way... we all have dealt with is differently, It's funny my anxiety flared up big time this weekend because my younger sister put a photo up on instagram with my mum (Who was over here for her birthday as i mentioned earlier) and just seeing it flared up all my anxiety (Feeling of just being unsettled, pacing around in a panic) so I know it is directly related in that sense. I like your thing of maybe having my psych present when I do choose to see her, she doesn't come to Australia much so not sure logistically how it would work but it is an interesting suggestion and one i will bring up with my psych tomorrow. I like the time limit stuff to... my psych did say to call her and tell her i wont be seeing her this time around and to say it with confidence, but i couldn't do it... i don't know why but i couldn't. The times i have seen her, i go quiet because i have nothing to say, or feel i have nothing to say. I hate being alone with her because she just wants to ask for forgiveness and in my head, i cannot bring myself to forgive her but again my psych thinks me not forgiving her is hurting myself (GAD). I'm sorry i am going on about this, but you made me feel comfortable enough that I could tell you.

I am so sorry to hear what P's family has done to you, it doesn't seem you were there to do anything other than just want to be apart of their life, i understand what they are saying but you were not there to replace their mum, I do hope down the line, they can accept you, i think they are missing out on having you in their lives that's for sure. It's a very tough position to be in which just adds to what you already go through. Hopefully yourself and P have been doing ok the last couple of days... pesky hayfever has been getting the best of me.

Hugs, Jay

[Wednesday]

Hi Jay,

No I can’t wrap my head around leaving a child. It does happen a lot though mostly it’s men leaving their children and finding a new life. I have to be careful not to give women a harder time than I give men, but I don’t understand. The only thing that helps is that maybe she was unwell and made a bad choice and had to then live with the results.

It’s useful picking up the signs when GAD hits hard and it does seem to fit with what your pysch is saying. Your feeling of just being unsettled, pacing around in a panic makes perfect sense, it is like you are having a post traumatic stress reaction too.

Maybe that is why you also couldn’t tell your mum you wouldn’t be seeing her? Either way if you’re not ready you’re not ready. You haven’t been having counselling for very long so don’t be too hard on yourself, baby steps.

Another thought is you could speak to your mum on Skype so no personal contact, again with ground rules etc. One of the ground rules is that you talk about easy general stuff, what you did on the weekend how work is going. At this stage you don’t wont to discuss what happened or hear any apologies, you’re not ready to have that conversation. Just saying I think this has to be on your timeline, maybe you never will forgive her or want to see her? Of course what would I know, check with your psych.

By the way you are not carrying on about anything just having a conversation about a really beastly topic. I am happy to be here and honoured that you feel comfortable(ish) to chat.

I can see in their own way that P's family is doing the best they can with the tools they have. But after this long I’m over it and not interested in going back to pretending they don’t hurt me etc. there is a saying that people treat you the way you ask to be treated. Because I wanted so much to be apart of the family I allowed them to behave quite poorly toward me and just sucked it up. I thought time would change things, but it didn’t. So I need to take some responsibility for not standing up for myself. I’m great at standing up for other people. I can see others wonderful abilities and traits, it’s a bit harder for myself. Bloody BT’s. It is all very damaging to my relationship.

Yes, I should add bloody hay fever to bloody BT’s. I hope your appointment went well.

Hugs, xx

[BballJ]

Hi Ava,

I like the skype idea, i guess I would be more in control of the situation where if it go to much, i could end the call, where if it's in person, it's hard to do that. I had quite a break through with my psych today, she said i was doing much better and have come along way since she met me which is great to hear. We spoke in length about my mum and my relationship with my wife as we usually do. I just kept explaining more details about my mum and I could even see some anger in my psych, I think she is finally see how much pain she caused me. Initially my psych took my mum's side, but the more i explain what she did in greater detail she see's it how I see it, which was quite refreshing in a weird way. I actually brought up to her that i had been speaking to people like yourself on these forums and getting it out there and talking about it has helped me so much, i understand it more which is great and as ive said... i cannot thank you enough for just listening and replying 🙂 Baby steps is what i tell myself when I feel my GAD coming on. I try to remind myself of it and keep telling myself this is a process.

Your family situation is a very difficult one, and it sucks that they almost know what they are doing and it just doesn't seem fair to you... Standing up for yourself is not a bad way to start.. you seem to have taken their negativity towards you and almost worn it as your own... when in reality, that's there negativity and one you shouldn't have to carry as your own. I can see how it all affects your relationship with P, which just isn't fair for either of you. I am sure he doesn't want it this way either. You have quite incredible strength, even though it maybe doesn't feel like it to you, but that's what i gauge through your posts. Quite a resilient person and that is a great quality to have. I think from your point of view I hope you keep reminding yourself of your own kids who are so proud you are their mother and that makes you smile when you're down.

My best, Jay