Alone..Depressed..Sad..

Ggrand · ‎05-08-2017

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

MsPurple · ‎05-08-2017

Hi Ggrand and welcome to the BB forums. We are a great supportive bunch here and offer no judgment, anonymous advice and support.

It sounds like you are really struggling with depression at the moment especially with the anniversary of your husbands death. It sounds like you are struggling with loneliness as well as depression. Unforntunely these can go hand in hand as depression makes you not want to go out (sometimes because wearing a mask is too tiring) and this causes you to be isolated. Kind of a vicious cycle. Depression also makes bed your best friend. It is a sad truth. I always know if my mental health is taking a dark turn if I am treating bed as my best friend again.

I was wondering if you are seeing a therapists? If not I suggest you book a long appointment with your local GP and discussing your depression concerns and how you are feeling. I know this is a daunting first step, however it will be worth it. I wish I had taken this step sooner. I got refered to a great therapist, and I was able to get the help and support I needed. I was able to go out and not wear a mask anymore. It took time but I eventually got there.

I want you to know you are not alone. Many of us in the forums have these feelings. Feel free to pop around the forums and interact with us. We are a great bunch of people trying to support each other.

Please keep me posted.

MP

RandR · ‎09-08-2017

Hi Ggrand and welcome to the Beyond Blue forums,

I'm sorry to hear what you are currently enduring but not sorry to see you take a progressive first step and reach out when you feel the way you are feeling.

Do you mind If I ask how long this cycle has been going on for? I suffered major depression for over 10 years and can relate to that feeling of self containment and endless tears. Despite you feeling the way you are feeling there is no doubt a lot of courage and strength within you. I know this for a fact as you mentioned having children (and grandchildren which is great!) and I have always had a profound respect for mothers and everything that they endure.

Would love to hear back from you and talk more if you're comfortable to and thanks again for having the courage to reach out.

Kind regards,

Raman.

Ggrand · ‎10-08-2017

Thank you RandR..the cycle has been going on for around 1 year now. I spoke to a phyciatrist over 1 week ago and have not heard back from her the next Dr (gp) appointment is not available until the end of September. Most of my days are either bed or couch. Just got no sense of purpose anymore and can't see anything ahead for the future.

RandR · ‎10-08-2017

Hi Ggrand,

You're very welcome and thanks for responding. Glad to hear that you've reached out to someone and seeking assistance. As for the next appointment being end of September, perhaps the online forums here might be a good online and safe platform for you to reach out and talk more if you feel comfortable to do so.

I'd be lying if I said that I've never been in the ' no sense of purpose' headspace. However, I was recently in that headspace and I'm inclined to think most people experience at some point. You mentioned the cycle being a year now. Do you mind if I ask a little bit more about you? What are some of your hobbies, passions, have you travelled, what are some of your aspirations prior to the cycle starting? Condolences for the anniversary of your husband passing too.

Look forward to hearing from you 🙂

Ggrand · ‎11-08-2017

Thank you RandR...I did have hobbies. I enjoyed sewing, long stitch and embroidery also I had an interest in small antiques..when i started any new hobby Johnny would take the time to learn all he could about it and join me in doing them..double the fun..also when Johnny decided he wanted to restore an old BSA bike I also joined him in the restoration..We done everything together. Travel no we never traveled anywhere. We virtually stayed together nearly always..I was and still am a very timid person and really don't question anything people say to me and am quick to do as they say..really i am pathetic in that way..( I had a very abusive childhood both physical and yes the other one.) I just accept everything i have never felt anger ever. I just accept what happens no questions or thoughts about it..I've never had to make decisions before ever and am so uncertain of myself and have absolutely no confidence in myself even to go out anymore. I feel so overwhelmed by life that it scares me.. so now I retreat to my bed or couch and have lost all interest in it.

RandR · ‎14-08-2017

Thanks for sharing that. Sewing and small antiques sounds very interesting. Anything in particular? Believe it or not my parents imported and sold antiques. I was also surrounded by a lot of Franklin Mint! Sorry to hear about the abusive childhood. My own family and past relationships had endured similar experiences. You're stronger than you realise and think and pathetic isn't the word I would use. Confidence and self discovery takes time and even then, they are not essential and rather just a characteristic. My partner Veronica is very timid and shy too and not confident either. I like that about her though 🙂 Johhny sounds great and I love how you both did everything together. I can understand how it could be hard without him, however, the memories will always be there. As for feeling overwhelmed I had a slight breakdown a few weeks ago. Family with serious health issues, newish relationship, stress at work and being overworked. I was beyond overwhelmed however, I have certain things I do to release and take that weight away. Cooking. I'm an avid and huge cook. I throw on some classical music/jazz and open the curtains and windows and cook something I've never made before. Do you cook much at all or listen to music? I also listen to TedTalks. Are you familiar with TedTalks?

Ggrand · ‎16-08-2017

Hi RandR, had a few bad days...I used to play music but to painful now Johnny was in a band and music atm still seems to upset me...cooking well Johnny's parents were Italian and wow good cooks they taught me how to cook their way and I so much enjoyed it..i would cook week days and Johnny would do the weekend..not ones to eat out we cooked every night..Now I really can't be bothered to cook, a couple of toast is about all I can manage...I know I have lost heaps of weight but really just can't get into a cooking mood. I never heard of tedtalks so I checked it out on YouTube and I did listen to him and he seems very smart in what he says..Feeling really abandoned atm..spoke to phyciatrist 2 weeks ago and she got in touch with another one who specializes in victim help but she rang me the other day and said she is not taking on new patients and recommend another one who I had seen a few times but made me so much worse (not sure if that's supposed to happen or not)..anyway I'm in limbo now and just don't know if I can handle all of this..I'm just so tied and really fed up and I think ready to give up and not fight this sadness anymore I think it will be easier for it to take over me and let it run its course and whatever happens will happen...

Neil_1 · ‎16-08-2017

Hi there Ggrand,

Hope you don’t mind a new visitor popping by to say “hello”.

You mentioned that you have an appointment to see your GP, but that’s not til later in September?? Is there no way you could get that moved forward? It just seems to me, to be very important that you could get along to see a professional about how you are feeling at this current time.

Going to see a psych who you’ve seen before who didn’t help, is something that you should avoid. Sometimes you see a psych and you hit it off, and other times, there’s no connection at all and with the ones that you don’t get a good feeling about, then it’s ok to move on and try a new one.

I just wanted to let you know that there’s another listener here for you. Even on this site, there's places you can go to just read and enjoy ... like the one with the Social Pages. Lots of different things happening in there, to read, or even join in, if you wished.

Kind regards

Neil

Ggrand · ‎16-08-2017

Hello Neil1. I live in a small town with the nearest hospital over 70klms away.. Drs are very scarce out here and appointments hard to get..We have a visiting psycologist 3 days per week..so the one I seen a few times that made me worse is the only one that comes to town..The phyciatrist comes to town for assessment purposes only I think.. she done the assessment for me and forwarding on to my Dr who will also be a new Dr to me, at the end of September..Drs only stay 6 months here then move on so cannot get or have a good relationship with a Dr. I can't go out as I just can't seem to make myself do so..I am at a loss as what I'm supposed to do and have no choice but to wait...I have no one in town to talk to as they have also moved on as my refusals to go out finally got to them..I see and speak to no one for 6 days a week every week.. I feel alone and scared of each new day as my thoughts run away to where I don't want them to....