alone and hated

christacat · ‎02-05-2013

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself, obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to, I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎21-05-2013

I have even tried more normal things like art, still the teasing and loneliness happens.

This sounds strange to me. Could you give me an example of this? I can only really imagine this happening if the person teasing you is your stereotypical army retiree father, who's like "Get a real job! Damn dirty hippies! Damn near got my arse blown off for you ingrates... something something Amer-cuh .. something something chinks .. something something commies .. something something in my day...".

christacat · ‎21-05-2013

I joined an art group years ago. All I got was criticism over my work from everyone..even the teachers, one even reducing me to tears. I never made any friends because all the others in the group were party animals or drug addicts, they would tease me alot too over my taste in music etc. Never fitted in, always felt left out.

christacat · ‎23-05-2013

I can't take any more of this loneliness anymore. Everyone around me seems to have their likeminded friends or groups. I had to remove someone on Facebook the other day because all I saw from her was bragging about her likeminded friends.

I get told I don't put in the effort or open up...I try...I get rejected or i am the butt of everyone's jokes. I see others put in the effort, it works for them. people flock to them. I have had enough. Maybe I just dont deserve anyone to connect to, just get stuck with people i am unhappy with, their put downs etc.

luke_c · ‎24-05-2013

The line from the song "Because I love you" from the Aussie rock band Masters Apprentices comes to mind here - "do what you want to do, be what you want to be". For so long, I kept being really hard on myself because people throughout primary and high school would say I'm weird, and I kept telling myself that I was weird and that this was a bad thing. It's only been the last couple of years that I have told myself (and laughed at myself, sometimes cracking up by myself in the car) that it's good to be weird and eccentric and I love myself for it. I speak to myself in the supermarket, I say stuff to myself aloud such as "ahhh McCain, you've done it again!", people might look at me and I think "ah well, let them think I'm mad". Find any interests or hobbies that you like and just go try them, you'll meet someone who's like minded. If one spot you find isn't real great, then try another. Life's too short to be holding back like that. People have given me funny looks and laughed at me over my interests before (such as bushwalking), but I couldn't care less. I would never want be a sheep in life, I run my own race and dance to my own moves.

luke_c · ‎24-05-2013

Of course you deserve someone to connect to! Stop being hard on yourself, nothing could be further from the truth! I know it can be harder to make friends as you get older. I'm almost 29 now and have noticed this difference say compared to when I was 18. Ask me if who I'd rather hang with out of you or these people you talk about that have "likeminded friends", not trying to sound cuss here but I'd choose hanging with someone like you any day of the week. Don't surround yourself with these people, go and try different social clubs, etc. if possible. You don't need to be lonely like that in life. Look at me, I'm in my twenties and I regularly listen to stuff like Van Morrison, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed and other great musicians from the 60's and 70's and I'm proud of my taste in music. I wouldn't even a shadow of a doubt of a clue what the latest hits are currently out there or what Rihanna's latest song is. I don't pay attention to that sort of stuff. Let me know if this helps.

luke_c · ‎24-05-2013

The song "Days like this" by Van Morrison may inspire you, certainly helps me listening to this song when I'm depressed..

christacat · ‎25-05-2013

It's not good to be wierd...look where it has left me...bullying in high school and primary school that after years and years...I am still not over it..people still tease me. I don't belong anywhere...I still get hassled over my interests by others.

I TRIED different clubs for my interests...did you read above when I was teased when I joined an art group? Every time I join one it's a disaster waiting to happen-I never meet anyone, I am always the butt of everyone's jokes ...it is obvious I do not fit in anywhere at all. I don't deserve anyone like minded in my life.

I tried to be proud of what I was into and not care what others say. Nope. Still teased, still have no one.

The_Real_David_Charles · ‎25-05-2013

Dear Christacat,

Hold your horses ! Slow down pardner ! You seem to be really hard on yourself but you don't have to TRY to be yourself. Just as an exercise I've tallied the support so far for you from BB members. There's a lot of support. I haven't included Viewings.

Responses: alone and hated

Postee: christacat - 11

Responders: Rodentdron (4), lukecalv84 (3), Geoff (2), David Charles (2), and others with 1 response - Nicki, Claude, Deb A, Christopher, Eddie, Neurotypical. Basically, people understand your situation. No shit.

It's possible that teasing will occur if you like something. It's also possible that teasing will occur if you DON'T like something. Something is obviously holding you back because if you really like something you don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. I'm English and I married an Indian. My family didn't like me marrying a black woman. So what ? I still had 3 kids and enjoyed family life. Now they just don't like me cos I'm bipolar. Their "teasing" was a moving target. Enough.

When you give so much energy to the teasing and not the project you are setting up a block. Nothing will be good enough. No response will cut it. No one will possibly understand you. But we can all see that you are hurting. Thank God you are in a choir with a bunch 20 - 30 years older. As a musician I would love to rub shoulders with experience rather than the selfish stupidity that basically any musician I book for my big band under 30 is capable of. Dave Bruebeck died last year (famous jazz pianist) and he was still touring in his 90's. Music is definately a hobby with a diverse range of ages.

Teasing = Ignorance. Don't buy into it. To paraphrase another responder "You Go Girl". Tear down these boundaries you have built up. Genuine people will not scare you. You have no need to be alone and hated. Your personality is strong.

Adios, David.

PS Awaiting your 12th response on this thread with eagerness and mateship.

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎25-05-2013

It's not good to be wierd.

Weirdness is QUITE subjective. Whatever you're into, there are people who will think it's normal. There are clubs dedicated to tree-climbing, for instance. Freakin'... *NAMBLA* is a real thing that exists, for chrissake.

just get stuck with people i am unhappy with

Maybe your standards are too high or you're focusing too much on people's flaws? If you're looking for a perfect person, you'll never find one. Everyone can annoy you in some way.

You mention teasing a lot. Are you sure this is all malicious teasing? I and my friends tease each other all the time. Why, just today I made fun of a friend's bowel movements, but when I next see her, she will run up to me and hug me like some kind of human boa constrictor. Yesterday, a friend scolded me on my crappy car, the CD that was in the car, my hat, my shirt, and the food I was eating, but the next time he gets drunk he is going to kind of waddle-limp over to me and hug me like some kind of boa constrictor human.

christacat · ‎26-05-2013

It's not malicious teasing, I have had it all my life.

If the things I liked were normal, I would of found a group for them by now. But there's none.