alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[christacat]

what's the point? it still won't bring me the likeminded friends i yern for, i will still get teased.

[geoff]

dear Christacat, I appreciate how you feel, and understand your fear, that's alright, if you keep reading other posts as to how other people are suffering, we always hold something back, because we too are a bit scared, but that's only my point of view. Geoff.

[christacat]

Rodentdron said:

I think you should be confident in the merits of your own interests.  The criticism you receive about them may not be meant as harshly as you may take it.  And I even think maybe it shouldn't matter, anyway.

There's this kid at the organisation I volunteer at who seems to look up to me.  He recently found out I'm an atheist, and started mocking me a little for it.  We just had some banter back and forth and that's about it.  He still thinks I'm cool and seeks approval from me ("Look what I can do!  Are you watching?  Are you watching?")

A friend of mine hates some bands I like, and likewise I hate some bands he likes.  But we're still in a band together 😛

My brother has a really dumb sense of humour, but he's still my brother.

I have differing opinions with friends about various issues like immigration, gender issues, religion, philosophy, and other politics, but we're still friends.

I have been with people who didn't share my interests in the past, and it's ended badly-I could not connect to them, they would always tease me, treat me like a freak. I would never badmouth THEM over their hobbies  but they did it to me all the time! The 'teasing' I got from my last 'real life' friend over my hobbies was always harsh ..last time he did it, I just ignored him and never spoke to him again. I guess you want me to be with people I can't even form a connection to, is that what you're saying? Do you know what I have been through? No.

[christopher]

Hey Christacat, I have been to the bottom pretty bad and it's hard to get up, but you have to and having to means you trying to help your self. I see you dont like GP's or counseling, Some times you have to try and move forward, you have to take a punt and for you that punt is your GP and possibly medication, your whole life may change with this  help. I have read all your reply's and you are blocking nearly every suggestion put forward. You have to lift your self above this negativity and go for it, you have a lot more to gain than lose. I and many people on this site would love to hear how you are moving forward. Take care and continue to chat.

Chris.

[Nicki]

Hey Christacat, I am a 45 year old female and have been ploughing the depths of depression and anxiety in a severe way for for the past 3 years. I have also recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although this diagnosis sounded incredibly shocking to me and I still struggle with thoughts about how I'm going to climb this particular mountain as well, it has been surprisingly relieving that their is a reason for my actions and behaviours. I am lucky to have a very supportive psyche doc who is constantly barraged by my insecurities and neuroticisms and very aware of my lack of extreme lack of trust in people. I also read alot. Their are some really great books to be found that can help you.

I frequently question my purpose on earth but I am still here fighting.

Hang in there and keep waiting for that ray of sunshine to pierce your heart when you least expect it. I'm trying!

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

There were good things I liked...but what's the point in liking them?

The point is that you like them!  Sure, some things are more fun with other people, but some things are fun by yourself, and maybe more so.  If you really do never find anyone to share your "weird" interests with, you can still do them by yourself.  And you can always take up more interests, yourself.  Surely there is some "more normal" community activity you would enjoy.

I couldn't go to their group meetups because I am too old and what if the kids run off to Mummy and Daddy saying that an older person was meeting up with them?

I think that would only happen if you lied about your age in the first place, or you tried to molest them or something.  Depending on what this interest group is, age might not matter that much.  A chess club, for instance, will have 70 year olds playing against 14 year olds. I'm in a community choir where everyone else is 20-40 years older than me.

 
What are these strange hobbies of yours?  I have friends who are into Dungeons & Dragons, LAN parties, cosplay, etc. and they're in their late 20s to late 30s.

Doctor asked me why I felt this way, told him I was alone etc and he just laughed at me.

I doubt he was laughing at you.  Maybe he was laughing at *the problem*, because it's such a common one.  Probably thinking something like "Heh heh, don't we all?  Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one..".  He might have been attempting to be charming and amiable, and attempting to convey that it's *alright* to feel that way, and that it's no big deal and you're not a freak for feeling lonely.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

I guess you want me to be with people I can't even form a connection to, is that what you're saying?

I think this is a myth: "the person I can't create a connection to".  I find it hard to imagine a person who I wouldn't have *some* kind of common ground with.  You just have to avoid walling yourself off from people - "Oh, he hates my football team, so he's completely different to me".  "Oh, she doesn't share my religion, so she's completely different to me".  "Oh, they like Two & A Half Men, so they're completely different to me.".  "Oh, he's a neo-nazi, so he's completely different to me".  "Oh, she tried to kill herself, so she's completely different to me".  There's too much stuff happening in the space of a lifetime, to have nothing in common with someone.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Rodentdron,

The bird has flown the coop.

"christacat" posted on the Community Board 24 or 48 hrs ago to say he/she felt like opening up and trusting on BB was a bit too challening/unempathetic.  Moderator B did a spiel about communication but I guess that person wanted less didactic reasoning and more "Ah, there - does it hurt ?" type of responses as I did last month from yourself.

I know you mean well but thought you should know about the other posting.  BTW I am much better although one of my brothers has now been missing for 4 months.  LIke I said, other factors that you don't know about come into play sometimes.   We can only do so much.  The site is too sectioned to keep tabs on everything.

Adios, David.

[christacat]

and this is why I am too scared to post here anymore, I have tried to help myself, you know?

[christacat]

Rodentdron said:

The point is that you like them!  Sure, some things are more fun with other people, but some things are fun by yourself, and maybe more so.  If you really do never find anyone to share your "weird" interests with, you can still do them by yourself.  And you can always take up more interests, yourself.  Surely there is some "more normal" community activity you would enjoy.

Sick of doing them 'by myself'. have done it to death. 

Nah, can't be bothered to take up more interests. they'll just  cause the same crap, I will get teased for them...I have even tried more normal things like art, still the teasing and loneliness happens. I can't be bothered anymore. I think it is better to hate everything and have no interests whatsoever, they just cause crap in my life.

 I think that would only happen if you lied about your age in the first place, or you tried to molest them or something.  Depending on what this interest group is, age might not matter that much.  A chess club, for instance, will have 70 year olds playing against 14 year olds. I'm in a community choir where everyone else is 20-40 years older than me

What are these strange hobbies of yours?  I have friends who are into Dungeons & Dragons, LAN parties, cosplay, etc. and they're in their late 20s to late 30s.

.  

I would never molest them or lie about my age. But I am still too old to hang out with them. I just feel guilty for it. I know I need friends my age..but of course people my age think i am a dumb freak.

And like I told Geoff here, I will tell you the same thing...I am too scared to tell you about my hobbies.