alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

What did they want from you, on an online forum?  For you to design their houses?  To borrow money?

[1960born]

Van suffered from depression all his life. He is one of the greatest musicians we will ever know.!!

[christacat]

No they didn't want money or me to build them houses, they were just silly little kids who used and bullied me all the time.

And I am still not accepted in the group.

[S_A_D_]

Cmon  ppl, ever since May 8 Christacat has consistently said she's not ready to reveal her hobbies and interests. Several times she's showed signs of discomfort about being pressured into talking that way. We don't want  her to leave this forum while she's feeling so threatened and vulnerable. Give her some space, accept that she feels as ostracised by society as I do, and ease off. When she wants to talk about it, IF she wants to talk about it, she will when she is ready, not when you say so. Now I know you're all trying to be helpful, but it's just as important to be gentle. 

"Pressure turns coal into diamonds, but it can also crush it to dust." - MacGyver

[Lucas]

Hey christacat,

As someone who works in a nontraditional role, currently stay at ahome dad working in the disability industry night shift and studying to be a primary school teacher I hear some of what you say "liking art, not liking drugs/drinking myself stupid like everyone else" and have to agree.. It's tough to fit the general social mold when you prefer alternative activities.

Focus on what makes you happy and ignore those who attempt to sabotage that.currently I have a family/daughter and sure life throws crap your way (made redundant lately and am now a mature aged student) but you need to focus on what makes you happy and defend it as best you can because once you lose that quality in your life it's hard to get it back (only recently got back into something which I haven't done in years due to bullying/weight gain due to depression)

My advice would be to remove facebook if it's an issue, or forget attempting to influence these people with your good nature, find other like hearted people who enjoy art,  Goodluck. You have support here when/if you require it. 🙂

[christacat]

I try to do what makes me happy, but I am still alone. Even the 'like hearted' people reject me. So why bother liking anything at all?

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

It seems like you consider it more important to be accepted, than to like the things you like.  I think that's backwards, and damaging to yourself.  And it's disrespectful to the things you like!  I love music.  I love lying in bed with my eyes closed, or on the grass in the park at night, and listening to an amazing album, and feeling my heart swell.  I wouldn't give that up just for permission to be some piddly human's friend.  There are a billion more piddly humans out there that will be my friend without caring what I do alone at night in parks.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

I don't think all artsy people are like the people you described earlier, so I think you should look for different ones.  I have artsy friends and they certainly aren't like that.

[christacat]

I gave up art ages ago, purely because of the bullying. Have lost interest in it.

[christacat]

I just wanted likeminded people. but of course likeminded people barely acknowledge me. i give up.  i am never going to have anyone to connect to.