alone and hated

[christacat]

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself,  obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me)

I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to,  I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around.

I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

[christacat]

Tried not caring about what others say, it doesn't help that it still happens, I still have no one.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

It's not malicious teasing, I have had it all my life.

I don't understand what you mean.  Or maybe you've misunderstood what I meant.  I meant: Maybe the people teasing you did not mean the teasing to hurt you.  Friends tease each other.

If the things I liked were normal, I would of found a group for them by now. But there's none.

Well.. all I can say is "keep looking".  I might be able to point you in some direction if I knew what these hobbies were.

[christacat]

They did mean to hurt me. they did it all the time. 

I can't tell you my hobbies, I wish I could..but you'd probably tease me like everyone else. I'm too scared

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

...And my friends and I tease each other all the time.  Hell, some people only *ever* express affection through teasing or mild physical violence.

Why do you care if I tease you?  I don't think I'm likely to, but why do you care anyway?  I'm just some unimportant person on the internet.  We've never met.  I don't know you.  Nothing will happen if I tease you.  The world will keep turning, and you and I will continue to be the people we were 10 minutes beforehand.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear christacat,

Empathy is the name of the game christacat.    You could be into playing the bagpipes and that would be OK with you and the rest of the BB responders.    As probably NONE of your teasers are mentally ill or bothering to visit the BB website you can safely agree that your hobbies, whatever they are, would be treated with the respect they deserve.   Just as all your other comments have.

People genuinely are feeling your hurt and uncertainty and, as we are all anonymous, I think describing your likes and dislikes is fine.   I have quite often written about my composing and big band I run without any criticism.   And big bands are totally crazy and a bit selfish.  Especially when they don't turn up for a gig !    I seem to remember one of your  hobbies being a choir - now that's a good thing, a chance to express yourself.

Come on, we are not the bad guys and girls.  Hobbies are just hobbies to us.  I even have a step mum that rings the bells at church and once forgot to let go of the rope and ended up 8 foot in the air with her frilly knickers showing.  Apparently the other bell ringers skipped a beat and my step mum has worn trousers since.

Adios, David.

[christacat]

I care because I don't want to get hurt...what if you slag off what I like? Like everyone else has?

[christacat]

I'm not going to tell you. I am too scared

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Why will you be hurt if I slag off what you like?  What will happen?

[christacat]

I'll get upset and feel down on myself like 'oh that person is just like everyone else, I won't bother opening up anymore'

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear christacat,

May I go in another direction for a moment ?

Put yourself in the responders shoes (at BB).   We offer to connect.  We seem inoffensive and try to be helpful.   Then, when the gentle request is made to discover the hobby that has caused you so much grief to the point of "hurt" or "being scared" you slag us off !   You assume we will be "just like everyone else" and so on.      In this case it is YOU that has become like everyone else, so to speak.   And I'm just telling it how I understand it.  Not blaming anyone.

I'm aware of having read responses from most of those on this thread and they are (1) not people to be scared of, and (2) not on the site to make things harder for you (or us).   My greatest fear growing up was to put as much distance as I could between me and my abusive father.   Moving from London to Sydney achieved this.  It's been hard to talk about and go into but I'm more inclined to tackle other difficult areas of my life as a by product.  In other words I survived (and with no island in sight or gameshow of tedious cliff hanger ad pauses).

As they say, throw caution to the wind.    Trust us but not in The Terminator way where the end result is chaos but, heck, he saves the world in the process.  Allow us a little bit of respect and maybe the chance to change your world.  It will still hurt.   We are not putting your problems down by discussing them with care.  We are just being human.  Being there.   Having a bit of heart for you.

Adios, David.