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A Common Story?

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.


479 Replies 479

Hi Tim (and all),

I just wanted to acknowledge an earlier comment that you made in reply to me. Great points 🙂

As a loose aside, I don’t think even mental health professionals “save” us. Good ones, in my opinion, help us find the tools to save ourselves.

You too, Nat! Also, that was very nice of you to say, thanks Nat ❤️

Pepper xoxo

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hiya Wolfy and all ☺

Oh goody..lost yet another post

Hope your having a better time of it WoLfy you certainly had, /have many trials, SO good seeing you, managing and finding ways to tackle them. Although I'm aware IT. gets you down, the Black dog Wolfy but I see great strength and courage in you. Admire that. Keep up the good work matey it's all worth it to reach a state of well being which I know you'll succeed with

I've been following your thread and have more reading back to do which I've been doing lately again in bits on threads when my head allows more clarity that I Like to do on a few threads cause we can Learn from everyone really and maybe nearly everything.

I've slowly been gathering bits of info from threads to learn from and research eventually and lately is a list of books I'm hearing about that people have found helpful, heard you saying there's rubbish out there too and I must tag the helpful book thread too so the one I'm talking about atm you and others have mentioned is "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. Re: ACT that I was going to ask you about but its on the acronym thread but has 2 definitions

  1. ACT.......Actualised Conscious Thought
  2. ACT.......& Acceptance and commitment therapy

Would the ACT technique you said they use be a bit of both or a specific one please?

Also wanted to mention that I'm ,learning other stuff too here (from others too & on other threads) especially the ones with our adorabubble Pammy and you. I use the cut/paste but hadn't until recently looked at other options on my tablet to use dictionary in the same box so I wanted to check a word I'd google it but by touching and highlighting it then going to dictionary its quicker so I've been little Miss learny and and understanding 😲 a lot more words quicker and easier.,some stuff goes over my head but that's not down to you guys it's me, even when I re-read and think but often the penny drops later so that's another good. So thank you ☺

I want to find your fantasy place on Grandys thread and other stuff like the "Rock " that was on her thread too, one day I'll learn not to procrastinate and DO things but YAY its VERY slowly happening WOO HOO

Take good care, hope you get the swimming club sorted I imagine it's a bit hard to get your head around which part to sort out anyway you'll get there

Sorry whopping post

Cyaz

Daily update...

Things piling up at work. Dark thoughts last night. Email this morning then tipped me over. Walked to train to go to Uni to think things over. Having coffee before class I wrote an email to a support person at my work and wife, how I was/am feeling overwhelmed. I also told them both before I wrote the email I was that close to quitting. After class I spoke with my support person. When I got home spoke to wife. She said she would accept any decision I made. In the evening I sent an email to the person giving me grief with a similar ultimatum. If you don't like what I do I will quit. But I also made an appointment with my GP tomorrow morning. Hopefully get a day or two off work to think things over. Cause at the moment hitting breaking point. I know things will get better, and writing this is therapy. But at the moment I want to be as far away from PC as possible.

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Pleased to hear you've made an appt with your GP tomorrow.

You're sounding in a very low place at the moment Wolfy. My thoughts, energy and support are with you.

I know that feeling of being overwhelmed. It's not a nice place to be.

Pammy

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion
Thanks for your concern Pam. It is much appreciated. Felt good giving them an ultimatum though. But it doesn't remove the load they place on my shoulders. And I am smart enough (?) to fix myself before things get out of hand. I also told my support person to say what he likes to other people I am working with. I am lucky to have someone to talk to in this regard. But again, he can't remove the load either. Will let you know how the appointment goes.

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I reckon you can remove the bracketed question mark. You are smart enough! Here from you tomorrow. Nighty night.

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Wolfy,

Well done sending the ultimatum, glad it helped you to feel a bit better.

So sorry to hear you've been in a dark place. You might need to visit one of your healing forest pools. We are here for you Wolfy.

Hope you can get a couple of days off, some respite, and that visit with Dr is helpful.

Lending my support and listening ear.

Go gently.

🌻birdy

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Because I work from home, it was as though they forgot that I have mental illness and decided to continue throwing things in my direction, because as they put it, "need your expertise and experience". And the end result was a downward spiral.

Anyways.... I went to my GP today and got a medical certificate for week off from work to "work on things". At my GP's recommendation I also moved my next psych appointment to next Monday (bringing it forward) and also on some anti-depressant medication.

My GP know where I don't want to be and that is a good thing. Onward and upwards?

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater." Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring.

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thank you for posting!! I'm so pleased your GP has given you the week off to think about things and your psych appt has been moved forward! Awesome news.

Interesting Tim, that during my working life I frequently was given a week off for my 'health'. It was never diagnosed or indicated that I had depression or anxiety. In hindsight that probably I was never truly honest about my symptoms. I just used to complain of severe aches, pains possibly due to a virus. Never did I talk about my non functioning brain which was I think my greatest concern because I couldn't interact with people properly. We live and learn. As I say never to old to learn.

Yes, there is a lot of 'fair places in the world'. It's seeking them out and pulling up the shades to let the sun shine in. (Sorry about the pun)

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

This post should be titled "what not to say to someone with depression!"

So... As you know I was given a medical certificate today, and prescribed ADs.

I sent a copy of the certificate to 3 people. Let's say that 2 people are being helpful, and help me where they can. I did not know what to write, so only sent a photo.

And to make life easier for everyone, I was writing some notes so that other staff could take over some of the stuff I was dealing with.

My employer on the other hand said I don't know why you feel that way. But then I am told "the rest is up to (you) to come to grips with". They know I have MI issues.

Zero points for understanding. I sent a message to my support who is also friends with said employer, saying I was not happy with this response and unless they change their attitude will help me make up my mind what they can do with my job.

Intolerant and uncaring.

I had to post this to get it out of my head. Sorry.