A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Paul,

Thanks for stopping by.

After most psych visits I am in a good place. Not saying that you have not read my entire story, but as I work from home it is a chance to interact with someone else. So I am in a happy place for a while.

Until something at work goes haywire. (I was going to tell you about the latest episode here but unsure where to start.) And it like a cycle.

So... Flat? Probably. Reason: work. Resolution: plan B.

[CMF]

Hi SW,

i understand exactly where you are coming from. Working from home has it's conveniences but I too would miss the interaction with others. Many, many years ago I started a little web design business from home, self taught. It gave me great anxiety when things went wrong but I then started to associate my home with the anxiety as I used to work at my dining table. I found it lonely too no one to talk to or interact with.

i hear you.

cmf

[CMF]

Do you find it hard to separate work from home? I found I couldn't 'close the door' so to speak and switch off cos it was always 'there'. I need that separation, get out of the house, go to work, come home. I needed 'Home' time to be just that.

cmf

[smallwolf]

Exactly!!!!!

(You are spot on. I am unsure what level the anxiety and depression would be at if I were not working from home. I am certain that it has always been there, except that things have happened which have greatly increased the sensitivity towards extreme (?) anxiety and put me where I am at the moment.)

[PamelaR]

Hiya Wolfy

About working from home - you and CMF are so right. It is isolating, even though you can communicate through other means. But it's that place, space - it needs to be something other than home.

Not sure where you live, but in the city I'm in to help reduce traffic, they set up hubs in closer towns/cities so people didn't have to travel long distances. These hubs were places people can go to work. You didn't have to pay anything. Could yourself up at a table and work (get coffee and food), loads of space, fresh air.

Similarly, you could work at a library. They have meeting rooms and/or cubicles you could use when talking to customers.

Just some thoughts. Being an ideas person 🙂 Doesn't mean you have to take any notice of me. (I tell my hubby that all the time when I blurt something out. I see him take a few steps back and think that's what I want. Have to reassure him, it's just me - sprouting)

[smallwolf]

I also think it depends on what you do. If you have an opportunity to meet with other people it can (?) be ok. But in my case that is not the case.

It used to be ok. I could pick up the kids from kindy etc, look after them, make dinner etc. I still do the latter.

Fast forward to today... And this is me talking purely from my own perspective... (1) people from work only talk to me when they have a problem to resolve (2) it feels as though tasks are then sent my way (via email) and then "come back when it is done". Some people might like that? (3) people, either management or customers pick the cheapest solution (their choice) and then complain when features not included because that was part of the cheap option. (4) there are things I won't say because they go against how I think certain tasks should be performed and (5) when I do provide information as asked it seems to get lost in the ethernet. (Code: they can't be bothered to read email until it's too late.) (6) finally, I get hit from all directions.

And you wonder why I feel like I have had enough.

But I digress... I am talking to someone about sharing space with them - they also work alone, but in an office.

I should check the library idea out. Thanks.

But I wonder if I can separate the work/home space issues. Not sure if there are any OCD issues. My psych asked me how often I checked email at night. It is only twice, but if my inbox is empty then I know in my head there are no dramas to have to deal with.

There is a cost to everything. It is a case of whether we recognise it or not. Something went amiss in my case.

[PamelaR]

Hiya Wolfy

Aww, sounds like me I'm afraid. I worked in an environment where a 'bespoke' product 'was created'. At the time of development we talked about what we thought could be 'problems'. It turns out we were all talking a different 'language'. Ultimately though I think all the issues related to 'people wanting to put 'manual processes into automated processes' and would accept nothing less. So NO it's not your fault. I know only too well how those in 'business' and 'professional' areas want solutions - that are cheap, that replicate manual systems and appear 'easy to use'.

Dear Wolfy, the businesses out there are diabolical when it comes to knowing what they want, how they want it and getting the cheapest fix possible. I know it doesn't work. I've had direct experience with 'bespoke computer products'. It was not pleasant for anyone.

So I do understand how you feel. I think what is important now is you understand the difficulties of your work. From what I see or hear is, maybe not be so 'down on yourself'. Really, really, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!! They chose the 'cheap option'. I know this doesn't help you when they are 'screaming down the phone or email', but it may help you to take a big step back to 'REFLECT'. YOU are not at fault.

The problem now is - how do you move on. I think that's the good question and I hope something comes for you via TAFE.

Hugs (? - can't remember if you like hugs)

PamelaR

[smallwolf]

Pamela,

I saw your reply at an opportune time. Currently dealing with a problem with no apparent solution. Well, there are solutions but not 100% guaranteed and in the cases where it gets the wrong answer it can be bad. And when you propose safer alternatives it's "not good enough". So thank you for the reminder. I mean that seriously. And I will bother replying til tomorrow. Though still have that sinking feeling.

I got an email from TAFE today. The local centre does not do the course so will have to look for alternatives. Not sure where at the moment. Will search for that later in the week.

Uni starts again this week. Sent an email to the lecturer for Greek saying I had withdrawn. It is a small class and now even smaller. I have the same lecturer for the other subject I am doing so will wait for the questions (?) on Wednesday. I will be fine til then... Nervous energy then.

On hugs... I will take them.

Went to swimming at comm games on Sunday morning session. Was mostly ok. Til afterwards. Grumpy son. Daughter wanted lunch. At the food court there was nothing gluten free for wife. Eating facilities around games places could be a lot better. Daughter ended up crying. Negative energy and me trying to make daughter happy.

will have to reread tat quote I posted from lord of the rings.

Thanks for stopping by.

[PamelaR]

Pleased to hear you read the post at the right time Wolfy.

Also good you're going to leave a response till to tomorrow - way to go.

Bit of a shame about the end of the Games session. My hubby is gluten free too. Can make life difficult. We always try to remember to take some fruit or something. Suishi is always a good alternative. But yeh, it is so difficult. Interesting about negative energy. I've always found peoples anxiety, stress and negative energy - make me anxious. I have to try and make them happy too. Having analysed why - it's because my mum had depression and anxiety. If she wasn't right, or when she was stressed - she took it out on us kids. Me in particular being the only girl and the one in the middle. It took me years to work this out - now I'm aware. Life is a little difficult with a hubby that can be easily stressed and has anxiety too. But he's gorgeous and we get on beautifully - so long as I know what's happening.

Maybe give the games organisation feedback about the food court. I keep hearing a lot of negatives about the games facilities. Should be better really.

Just a thought about your course at uni. Are you paying for the course? If so, you probably don't need any nervous energy.... You are so nice. Life happens and I'm sure they can deal with your withdrawing from the subject. So be kind to yourself - relax, breath before going to speak with them.

I love animals. Love wolves. Read this beautiful book about wolves in Siberia a long time ago. Can't remember the name of it. Will try to find it. It was wonderful and so insightful of those wonderful creatures.

[PamelaR]

Forgot 🤗🤗🤗