A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Saree_p]

How are you going Tim?

[smallwolf]

Working from home.

Some of the physical symptoms have returned yet not as bad as a year ago so there must be some improvement. I am able to work at the office for 2 days a week as I find these symptoms do not present themselves there. Go figure! And at home I am irritable, grumpy etc. The wife and kids ask me if I am having a bad day constantly and whether I have taken my medication. At home you can easily fall back into bad habits and with the pseudo-lock-down I am not getting the exercise I used to. Zoom meetings are difficult to get involved in - trying not be interrupt someone else and if you raise your hand it is not seen.

I am over Covid-19. I don't watch the news. The media were and are hopeless, selling worst case scenarios.

On the depression side - that is another side and best left for the psychologist.

I am coping.

Tim

[Saree_p]

I hear u Tim,

I'm over it too.

Its so difficult working from home isn't it. And zoom or online meeting are the same at all.

I hope everything settles soon!!

Thoughts with you,

Saree

[demonblaster]

Hey Wolfy ☺ and everyone

Just popping in to say I'm listening care and think of you ☺

[smallwolf]

Hey Tim, Replying to you here... You just wrote a compassionate letter to yourself. I know it was hard to do. You were talking about...

STUPID / FAILURE / NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH
EMBARRASSED / SHAME / NOT WORTHY

You also showed yourself you are not the things above. I know that can be hard to believe. A contradiction in what you believe about yourself vs reality. Give yourself time to process the letter. You are not what you wrote above or worse.

I care about you,

[demonblaster]

Wolfy I don't think either you're what you said and feel above.

I too care about you as many do.

You are very worthwhile. You're a good hearted kind caring intelligent person who deserves peace.

Please look after yourself

🍃

[Doolhof]

Hi Tim, Db and All,

How is everyone doing? Anyone else feel like this has been one heck of a year already?

There certainly have been lots of changes. It is interesting to note in what areas of life I am coping and in which areas I have not been doing so good.

There has been time for reflection and hopefully some new skills and strategies can be learnt o cope differently with life.

Now it is time to readjust to the new world!

Hope you are all managing okay the best way you can.

Cheers from Dools

[Saree_p]

Hey Tim,

Just wanted to drop in an say Hi.

Keep remembering how we all see you; a kind, caring and compassionate person with many, many wonderful traits/skills to offer.

Saree

[quirkywords]

Tim

a letter yourself can be revealing and confronting, it is hard when we have negative thoughts about ourself but we can show these are nit true, sometimes those negative thoughts are powerful and still there and can be so exhausting to fight.

Donyou write many letters to yourself . I tend to write them when confused or when someone has been extra critical to me and I need to process 5heir words without absorb8ng them.
quirky

[smallwolf]

Hi Tim. What has happened to you since last time?

Turned 50. Yeah, Old! Went out to dinner with family last night to celebrate. In the week before birthday I got my Dip. of Counselling papers. Yay! I am still learning about myself. Have a psych session on Thu. I cannot remember what we are going to talk about . Long story short... still learning about myself. There are still things to talk about - how I think about myself. This morning, I am procrastinating a bit. I looked back at the 1st post I made and it was nearly 3 years ago. There are some days I feel good and then think I am faking it. And as I write this, I think this is something I will be managing rather than curing- rolling with the good and the bad.