A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

This might not apply to everyone, but I had a moment yesterday and carrying through to today which is good (for me). I was talking to my psychologist yesterday (gosh). Anyway I was using an analogy that everyone else appears like a white dinner plate - all clean, with blemish, no cracks etc. That plate has its stuff together. Me, on the other hand was a broken plate. Obviously a broken plate is not good, so started to refine that idea. And I started to speak about the Japanese art where a cracked or broken object is repaired with gold, which can make object unique and perhaps more beautiful. So my homework also was find some of these images as well. Today, in search I found out the name of this art form is Kintsugi, which can be used in art therapy

"The way of the Kintsugi Can be seen as a form of Art Therapy, inviting you to transcend your ordeals and turn your own gold lead. It reminds you that your scars, whether visible or invisible, are proof that you have overcome your difficulties. By materializing your story, they say, "You survived!" and bring you extra soul."

(esprit-kintsugi.com)

Not there quite yet.... but I am learning.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

Had a bit of a look and seems awesome concept 😊

Sounds like you've had a better week this week.

Just out of curiosity, how's your job going?

Saree

[smallwolf]

Just a post about revelations, and what they might reveal...

Last Thu I was with my psychologist. On Monday I went to psychiatrist. And then a phone call after that.

This time of year I get down. It might be because of my birthday. Dunno. Otherwise at a subconscious level. Have not thought to much about that yet. One thing I can say is that I am better this year compared to last, and then 2 years ago. Anyway, I replayed part of my conversation with my psychologist to my psychiatrist and I was them asked...

do you think there is a possibility that you never rate yourself above a 5 (out of 10)?

So I thought about that question for a bit and answered Yes. Now this could relate to how I feel about myself, what I do, or anything else. So the question I was left with at that meeting, what do I have to do to get myself to 5 or above 5?

A phone call next, and there is where the penny dropped. Or the revelation came. I was pondering that question above and I worked out that for much of my life I would not show my feelings - for a number of reasons. But in doing so I would also not allow myself to have or show happiness. Somehow in suppressing feelings of sorrow I also lost joy. When I started seeing my psychologist, I mentioned one time about being happy and it was a foreign feeling. I think that was because the sadder version of myself is like the pair of the comfy slippers.

Now there are certain events in life that people should be happy at... but I was not. You can read between the lines.

But that revelation... not allowing myself to be happy would also bring a tear to my eye - which is something that had not happened in a very long time. Guess I am human after all.

The one time I have no answers for myself. That part I can live with - for the moment. Enough of the random thoughts. Any of you hear the story of the man carrying a broken bucket of water from the river?

Tim

[demonblaster]

Hiya Mr Wolfy and everyone 😊

You're another one here I've been thinking more than usual about.

What a good thing hearing this year you're better than before and the one before that.

It's a shame when people cant see themselves for the good they have.

You're so good to people Wolfy clearly highly intelligent you persevere problem solve care about people a good communicator have compassion put others before yourself non judgmental theres not really anything not to like Wolfs. And you're strong too.

I think its very important to like ourselves, we're our sole life long companion. We tend with depression to see and believe only negatives which arent necessarily truth. If we look for our goods we can feel better about ourselves.

I was going to post to see how you are so I'm glad to see you.

No havent heard I dont tnink about the broken bucket of water.

Take care dear Wolfy ⚘🗯🤝

[smallwolf]

Reflective - that is todays word.

Will do some study, but before that want to get some things out of my head. I started here today with a one of the games and picking up after grandy I was going to write the word CURSE. But I then flipped it to BLESS as it kept more in tone with the thread. And for a moment I felt good. I have this ability to take something that is good and turn it into a negative. And if you go through the important parts of life you might realise what I missed celebrating. This is something I am working on with my psychologist. I have to journal acts of good or kindness. And despite what I might think of myself, and others tell me how "good" I am, is just something I have difficulty understanding.

Then moved to a thread on feeling comfortable on the forum. I was going to add some stuff about myself posting here on the forums but didn't feel right in that thread. So here we are... day after day I wear a mask (of sorts). It's not really about protection, but that ever-present feeling of being down, and sometimes for unknown reasons is hard to explain. So coming to a place like this and writing is helpful for me, if not for the person I am responding to. This place allows for connection with others to take place, where the other knows what it is like to feel down. And to have that other person who can say "yeah, I know. let me sit with you" helps us to know that we are not the only one.

So now... I will look for that new poster who needs (?) someone to listen to them.

[smallwolf]

Replying to myself...

how are you feeling today? Hope your weekend was OK.

And my reply...

Some days feel like the medication is not working. I could not exactly pinpoint what is wrong today. Though looking at the news today as wife had the TV turned on and all I could think about was what is the point? Do I make a useful contribution to anything? It wasn't really a question - more as a statement as in "You don't...!" I can make the conversation in my head into a counselling session, asking myself questions, but the answers seem hollow, as thought I don't really believe myself.

[Ggrand]

Hello Tim,

Maybe I can answer you question statement..

What the point?...Do you make a useful contribution to anything....

What is the point...Some points (reasons are)..your beautiful children, your lovely wife...your children need you to nurture them, be their for them in their ups and downs..Their love for you is like no other love, unconditionally and deeply set in their hearts...Your love for them is no doubt the same...You’re wife has that same love towards you as you have for her....Your church needs you, the people here need you, love you and care for you....That is just a couple of points/reasons.....their are many more reasons as well...

Do you make useful contributions to anything....YES..your contributions here are beautiful, caring, understanding and compassionate..You are making a huge difference to many people here...and r/l...in your church, at your home, you cook sometimes contributing to your wife and children’s needs...you contribute your time to you family, friends, church etc....I’m sure their more you contribute you....have a think about all you do...write them down...be honest to yourself...you will find many useful contributions you have given...

Sometime we can’t see these things because depression gets in the way....

Tim...you are loved, cared for, respected here...you contribute your time, your insight, and you care to strangers here.....Please don’t think that your not contributing anything useful....because you definitely are...

Look after you dear Tim...the best you can and please don’t be to hard on yourself.....

Kind thoughts dear Tim..sent with love and hugs..💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Tim and a wave to all,

I think lovely Grandy has responded with such compassion and tenderness that I don’t really have much else to add.

But I wanted to say that I visit your thread from time to time. I just don’t post here often. I visit mostly because you have an introspective quality in your writing/thinking, which is something that I value 🙂

I noticed you mentioned the Japanese philosophy/art of Kintsugi a while back. That made me smile.

I suppose you can apply that concept to life. Just as gold is used to make broken pottery pieces whole again as in the process of Kintsugi, embracing our imperfections and going through difficult times can make us stronger...more resilient and beautiful in a way.

As for self worth, I think that’s a tricky one. I can say all kinds of wonderful things to you, but when it comes down to it, you’re the one who has to believe it. It has to mostly come from you...

I wonder if maybe another way to look at things is to figure out what your personal values are and then ask yourself if you feel you are working towards a life that aligns with those values or not. If not, perhaps you can then think of ways to get there...to become who you want or need to be over time. Not overnight perfection but a gradual trial and error exploration...

I get a sense that maybe social responsibility or contributing to the wider community might be one of your core values?

So maybe that is something to explore further...

Just my thoughts. As always, take or leave what you want from what I say 😉

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[smallwolf]

Hi Grandy and Pepper,

Thank you for you nice replies.

Grandy - Everything you said is true but it hard to the believe it sometimes.

Perhaps it also relates to something that Pepper mentioned about social responsibility which is probably right on the money. I will have to consider that more. Pepper - you always make sense.

I get myself into this headspace where I think that anyone can do the things I do, etc. A lady I spoke to a day or so ago said something about the people in the parish and the work I do is needed/valued and by me having the opposite view in regard to myself takes it away from them. Hard to explain. I cannot change easily what my mind tells me - at the moment.

Mind has gone blank now.

Tim

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Tim (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for the lovely words to me 🙂

It sounds as though you’re clearly valued by people around you, even if you don’t necessarily see yourself the same way . I suppose that’s the thing; it’s one thing for others to see your gifts, but ultimately you have to believe it...

About the social responsibility conversation that we had briefly, while you are working towards/for some wonderful causes, I wonder it is what you value most?

I’m not asking you to answer me but maybe it’s something for you to reflect on in your own time...only if you want to...

For example, if someone was actually most interesting in climate change issues, but spends the bulk of their time mentoring people on their careers, they may feel a certain unease or disconnect.

Please don’t get me wrong, mentoring is an incredible contribution, but the issue here isn’t about mentoring itself. It’s about how this hypothetical person isn’t really working towards what they care the most about...

So even if mentoring is inspiring and other people see its value, it may not hold as much meaning to this hypothetical person if does not align with their biggest passions/interests.

I suppose what I’m saying is I wonder if maybe there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you really want to be doing?

Just some ideas...maybe something for you to think about if you like.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper