A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Saree_p]

Just me again Tim,

I don't know about you, but there was a time in my life where biographies of similar situations provided comfort and put things into perspective a little. But maybe PamelarR is right, they may not be the best thing.

I would like to get into reading a bit more again but struggling to do so in honesty. I am kind of keen to get into mythology again because it is interesting, but also for my own writtings, I guess.

Sending good vibes your way for your psychologist appointment tomorrow!

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi All,

I find that words don't really have much effect on me.Wild Swans was a book I read a couple of years ago.

The current one I am reading is that one on Robin Williams. And in among the sadness of what he went through there is joy in that book. (And I have a copy of "The City of Joy" next to my bed to be read also.)

Sound can. But I also find that when I am down, those melancholic sounds do not push me further down, but rather it connects with me. And there is (in my ear) someone talking to me, who knows how I feel. I don't really want to listen to happy music in those moments.

My psychologist is sick today.

[Saree_p]

Morning Tim, (and everyone)

Sorry to hear that your psychologist is unwell - guessing you were kinda holding out for the appointment?

I do wish I had your drive for reading atm. I have been trying to make it through a book a The Reason for God (no judgement please). I was speaking with a local minister a while back and as I have been known to be a sceptic, yet cannot shake certain things it was a recommended read. The other one beside my bed is a fantasy (sorry) Talon, and I think I have started 3 others - a world history, physics one and philosophy. Those three are probably a little heavy atm, but were great a week or so ago 🙄

How is the weather your way? Will you be going to the park today? Unfortunately, it is ☔ here 😢

Kind thoughts your way,

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

so I google the book you mentioned and sounds interesting. Something you might not know about is that I am part way through (on hold atm) a BTh degree. And for what it is worth, I did not get depression from God, and God (or absence thereof) is reflected in the actions of actions of those around us. There is no judgement from me at all.

Today, I was supposed to be going to parents but work issues prevented that. Its cloudy and showers today. So I am presently making sure that everything is tracking with the programmers. If it were not for the ADs my heart would be racing. My heart just feels heavy at the moment. Hoping they don't make a mess of it all during the build.

Will try to read some counselling notes I think. Nobody has messaged my for 10min!

Tim

[Saree_p]

Boo Tim,

Hope your heart has lightened!

The weather can truly suck at times. It just decided to heavily 🌧 over my laundry for 5 mins 😒. 💩

I don't know about you, but I always feel slightly lost when someone doesn't want something! Sad I know.

Hope the work issues are not too bad?

Tim, I did not know that - sounds very very interesting! Never thought I would be so intrigued by the prospect. The realisation of your statement was one that I encountered not too long ago.

Your inquisitive nature is one I admire, it's slightly reigniting my own. Thank you, dearest Tim.

Hope plans start to work out for you soon again,

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi all,

I got the job as parish admin. Yes I am happy, but part of me thinks that not everyone was happy with the decision. I was with my psychiatrist on Monday, telling her this, and this was where she said that I have to stop worrying what others think. That is me paraphrasing. It is hard but I will get there. I said that I think it is a side effect of working from home for so many years. The social isolation, and any interaction with others was shallow. The week prior I was at my psychologist and part of my homework was to rock the boat, meaning say what I think. I did that at a meeting and and didn't feel comfortable. Still think about it now. My psychiatrist said ,"you feel human". I am normally cold and calculating, etc. This probably doesn't make sense. But maybe this is a story of reintegrating with society. My psychiatrist is happy with how I am progressing. The question is, how long is a piece of string?

Tim

[quirkywords]

Tim

Thats good news about new job.

when you learn the secret of not worrying about what others think of you let me know. I have been trying to do this all my life with varying results. I suppose I have narrowed down the number if people I worry about what they think of me. So that’s a start.

I enjoyed reading your posts and catching up.

Quirky

[demonblaster]

Wolfy ☺ hi everyone 🖐

Congrats with the job. Matey the only person when it boils down that needs to be happy about your decision is you. You're the one that will be doing it.

Often people find change hard I don't know maybe thats one of their reasons.

Good to see you you're in my thoughts often

Hope you're well 🌱

[Saree_p]

Congrats Tim,

Sounds like you are breaking free on that person one brick at a time. Well done.

Hopefully it'll all become easier and easier with time.

Saree

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

Congratulations on he job. I too worry what people think however, the more i feel comfortable with myself and who i am, the less i worry. If others were not happy just remember, it is work, not personal. My work colleague reminds me of this at times and it does help.

Take care

cmf x