A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[PamelaR]

Thank you for keeping us updated on how you're travelling Wolfy.

All thoughts, kind wishes, peace and love being sent your way to help you out of the darkness.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[CMF]

Wolfy,

some positives there. The dreams have stopped and you know how to wean off them. I love your determination, and you will make it out the other side so I look forward to the final chapter of a life getting better.

i know you can do this.

cmf x

[smallwolf]

Thanks again, between you and the people in real life that care for me make all the difference.

I spent the day with my parents. Helped them with the food shopping and then lunch before a rest and then coffee and another chat.

As much as I like my days at uni, this was the first time I have been able to relax... sort of.

There was one time today when a notification fired from my mother's tablet, that sent the heart racing and thinking of work. Aaaarrrggghhh.

My doctor said I still need to be able to pass on critical information to work so had to check a special mailbox for that. Heart racing again. Stress from about 0 to 6 out of 10.

Spoke to Mum about life afterwards and she suggested Bunnings.

Might have said this earlier, but feel like a carpenter that can no longer use a hammer or saw. And the thing that I am afraid of is an intrinsic part of society.

After talking to Mum there is hope. Just have to work on getting better first.

I am just in a reflective mood at the moment in limbo between 2 world's. A world I once worked in and, well, something else. It reminds me of a walk from my house I did last year, when for a brief moment I was happy and it felt foreign. I was used to being in that sad mood so long it became part of me. While I am used to that old life I know that it is not good for me... If today makes me think of work problem when I should be getting better. Need to remember that it will take time.

[PamelaR]

Wolfy, so pleased your mum is such a wonderful support to you. So good!

It sounds like you might need a rest from uni at the moment too. You know, that's okay. Reducing your stress and anxiety is such a good way to stay healthy. It may not appear so, but from my perspective it is.

A change to professions is also an okay thing. People do it all the time. Especially the younger generation. It's almost as fast as changing your hat. When I first started work, people were expected to be there until they retired, then it changed to about 20-30 years. Now though, if you don't move on in 3 years there's something wrong with you.

Something I thought about early that I wanted to mention and that's about the source code for the products you develop. Do you have the IP rights to these or are they with the organisation you work for? Just thinking if you don't it may be so much easier to withdraw from the company.

Thinking of you, holding your hand and sending you virtual hugs.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[demonblaster]

Hey Wolfy just want you to know I amongst many here care about you very much and I follow your progress.

It does make a difference doesn't it having people here and rl. Gives us a reason not to give up and keep at it doesn't it.

Always take good care won't you Wolfy

Hi Pammy and peeps ☺

[smallwolf]

Pamela,

On Uni... You might be right about reducing stress and anxiety however it is one reason for me to continue. You might recall that I am doing a Bach. Of Theology.I Ignoringany "calling" component it was a way of re-engagement with the world. I also like to get to the truth of things, as much as possible. To find out about the world back then. And the different theories about things. And sometimes our literalist (?) modern thinking distorts what an editor or writer intended. Sorry, off on a tangent here... It gives me a reason to continue. It is part of my tomorrow to live.

On the IP question... That would belong to them. Even though it is my head (the IP, if you want to call it that) I have become jaded about IT world.

It is a bit like a law graduate who starts working at a law firm with ideas of maintaining justice - the truth will prevail. And over time becomes aware that law is really just shades of grey, and becomes cynical and/or jaded. Winning is more important. This is not from a movie, but someone I know.

Thank you for being here for me, helping me to think through things objectively. Hugs back.

DB,

Thanks for stopping by. I missed you. Somehow your words bring a smile to me.

[Guest8901]

Thinking of you Tim.

I know its terribly dificult for you right now, but I also know it will improve. I think its great that you are considering a career change. Takes courage, but you are certainly not lacking that.

I am watching over you, even though I dont get to post much while I remain in the City.

Kindness always.

Amanda

[Croix]

Dear Tim~

Your reflections on that law graduate finding out the realities of the world very much reminded me of myself when becoming a policeman. There can be an increasingly large gap between what should be and what is. Whilst in the force I never found an answer.

I do know though that the small part of the world we occupy does not have to rub our noses every day in the imperfections of society and human nature. In fact for those of sensitivity it is probably better if it does not as it can reduce us to ineffectual and harmful self-blame and feelings of inadequacy.

Finding a pool of calm from which to work does a couple of things, or at least it has for me. It's enabled me to work at my best and be at my most effective, still trying to sort the world, but from a better springboard. Secondly it had stopped the bulk of the corrosive external everyday effects that helped push me right down.

Changing where one works, who one associates with and all is not easy, sometimes downright impossible. It does help though to realize there are other places.

I'm sure you will already be well aware of all this, however I thought maybe hearing it from another might help just a little.

Croix

[smallwolf]

Croix,

This has been the first of fours weeks off work for medical reasons. Not used to it. Though finding other things to do. What I have realised is that my life outside of work is OK. My family are supporting me. People in my church community support me. People at Uni are supporting me - it is a somewhat small community. It is unfortunate that things that happened at work have reduced me this. And it started affecting other aspects of my life. Just took a while to realise this. My current workplace is (almost) toxic - at least from my view point. I even have the insert the word "(almost)" because I don't want to admit that it is. There are some ugly memes on the web for software developers, but the sad thing is that many of these can reflect reality.

Switching up topics...

My "pool of calm" is my studies at the moment. I walk a lot. But these are not helping me in anything related to what was/is my work at the present moment.

[quirkywords]

Smallwolf,

Your posts fill me with hope, even though it must be so hard for you.

The theology degree explains a lot and I can see how this would mean a lot to you.

You express your self so well and seem to have an insight into your issues.

Does writing the posts help you make sense of your world?

Quirky