A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[Donte]

Hello Smallwolf,

Thank you for sharing your experience here. You are not alone. I too identify with your struggle and hear you loud and clear. This is an endless ongoing process that will last as long as we last. I’ve come to understand that stopping as often as I can and becoming present may be the key instead of trying to arrive somewhere. Who knows? Whatever works for each individual. Keep doing what you believe helps you and maybe enjoy the process rather getting anxious about the outcome.

X

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

i really do hope you can find a happy place, my story is only partly told and I hate my story and my life and me. but I have found that with the parts I have disclosed here, I have received nothing but great suggestions and amazing support, which I'm sure you will also..

When my bad memories start haunting me, which they do on a daily basis, I try to take myself somewhere, like the waterfall you gave me, or I get my coping tools or grounding box out and try and go that way, if they don't work the tears release a bit.

It is very hard, the verbal abuse from customers, I've been through that, even though i knew that they were wrong i had to always be polite, that was easy for me as I'm a people pleaser and will do anything to advoid any form of confrontation, Are you the same or do you stick up for what you believe is right?

I hope being here on the forums will help you find that happy place, and that we can help you.

Kindness only,

Grandy..

[PamelaR]

Hi Wolfy (plus a wave to everyone else)

There is great communication and support happening in your thread. Good to see.

Hope your MRI goes okay today. Can imagine how worrying that can be. Expect you'll let us know how things are, that is if you want to or not. No pressure!

Seeing people face to face is quite different to online conversations or even phone conversations. You have done exceptionally well to have worked at home for +15 years.

Hope you find the voluntary work on BlueVoices is what you want. The idea of working in a cafe, same time each week sounds good too.

Kind regards

🐝PamelaR

[smallwolf]

Thanks again all who responded to me since my last post.

Regarding the MRI... wont know the results until Thu afternoon. I used the time that I was in the machine to get some meditation done. Except for the drone of the machine when it was doing whatever it does. An expensive way to do a prolonged meditation of about 20min.

I spoke with one of my support (mental health) persons around 10:30 last night.. He said call me... I spoke to him about the lack of satisfaction I have with IT as a result of being by myself. I spoke to him about the not rewarding myself after a job well done. The thing is that when you are alone, bit hard to congratulate yourself... Better if you can tell someone what you have done. He understood exactly what I was getting at.

In my world... the customer is always right. It is not my job to tell them they are wrong if if they are. But I am a people pleaser myself anyway and avoid confrontation.

On the voluntary stuff for BB voices ... see how that goes. Was going to tell some other people at the anglican church about BB voices along the lines if they have an issue they could chat to me about. Half the battle is going to see a GP and then referral and embarrassment about it. If I can do it then... In no way am I/would I replace any service etc. but merely to let people know they are not alone. And that is important. I hope that would not breech any guidelines.

On taking laptop to a CAFE... that is a work in progress also, as I have other possible alternatives also. The parish secretary works in the office alone also. And that can be stressful. So I might be able to work there and help her with IT problems and get my own stuff done as well.

So how did my day pan out... started bad (1/4) then ended meh (2/4). It might have been good (3/4) except that I would have congrat. myself for a job well done and I am not that sort of person.

[PamelaR]

Ohh Wolfy,

Congratulations on everything you've achieved today!! I know it's going to be difficult for you to accept. So I won't push.Just know you're okay.

You're so organised - you would have to be! That's the idea of a IT programmer. I've worked with you guys before designing a program, as well as sitting on panels while you sold the idea to us. What I've learnt through this time is - it's not a one way street. IT people need as much input as end users. There has to be more onsite collaboration!! Email is all well and good, but often it doesn't get to the bottom of what the issues are for either party.

Before I retired, one of my last projects was working with a group of uni students on an IT engineering project using the SPRINT methodology. It was awesome, so many meetings, interactions in the development of a concept phase. Loved it enormously. One downer was - I wasn't there in second semester when they built the solution. But it's all about working in a team - together, face to face. Not just through digital methods.

BTW - I retired last June. I'm struggling not seeing people. So I go to the shops a lot and talk to the people in shops, cafe, supermarkets. Have to be mindful of NOT SPENDING TOO MUCH !! lol.

Hope the results are okay. Will keep watching your thread.

Hugz 🤗🤗🤗

🐝PamelaR

[Music_Freak]

Going to watch this thread and comment later too, of course, after you popped into mine and posted 🙂

[smallwolf]

Thank again...

That sounds like bribery Music_Freak! I posted in your thread!

On working in IT.... organised and logical. It is not that difficult - the programming that is. But when you have nobody to bounce ideas off or work though an issue then it gets harder when trying to troubleshoot a problem. And these days the issue reported by the customer is akin to "its broken" or "system crashed" and both of which are far from the truth as possible. The other thing that irritates me is when I get an email reminding me how important this customer is... as though other customers are not important.

So today I had Greek at 9am. Found a old friend before class who asked how my summer was.... I said "different" and began to unload on all that had happened. I know that I had told her before, but the setting here also meant she had pay attention to what I was REALLY saying. Still fixating on work/email problems. Wish I could get rid of this need to respond immediately. And if there is a problem, then it is my fault... whether it is or not is a another matter altogether.

So I was able to get everything that I needed to done today but the feeling is only MEH (rating is 2/4). I know that PamR would congrat this, but without the feedback I am just so over it all.

[PamelaR]

Well, I'm probably one of the people at the other end of your email thread - sorry. However, if you'd fixed the problem I would have given you a thx and told you how it went. Must confess, I might not have given you all the info you needed to help fix it in the first place.

You're right, bouncing ideas of people is so important. Being the logical and methodical person you are you've already tried to problem solve this? Sounds to me like you need a sea change Wolfy, if possible. Realise it's not that simple, however, your health is important if you're not able to resolve some of your work patterns.

Ahhhh, MEH (2/4). I take this to mean - indifference to everything including your Greek class and download to your friend. Hmm, you're right I would congratulate you. Having said that, I do know what it's like to be a high achiever. I was once. But I got over that once I had my breakdown.

One of my best friends down south was an IT strategist. We used to have some very interesting conversations. Loved them really. Miss talking to him.

[smallwolf]

PamelaR,

Yes I do problem solve it. Alone. There is little satisfaction is solving a problem. Probably going over old ground here and the "issues" are many and varied. I would accept that some issues would be bug related, but equally many that were because of the environment found at customer sites. The stories I could tell you.

And probably needing a sea change.

Doing Greek today was actually OK. (My studies were intended as a break from work) Craving the need for people. Last two weeks I was working with people (training new programmers and support staff), and now alone again... little satisfaction....

I could give you examples of what I have been told over the years that lead up to my breakdown. The final straw however was a customer telling my the software was killing him. I took his remarks very personally. The problems at the site was all environmental because his boss was cheap to the point of using home style routers in a business environment. Between the calls from sales, support and the same customer, it got too much for me. As an update, the same person who made that statement no longer works there. He had enough of the issues he had to deal with, in that he was given little support by his own people. He does work with some of our sales persons now. Just things you have to put up with.

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

I lost you and Pamela's conversation regarding it computer work, lol I know only the ver basic things about computers. are you learning to speak Greek or have I got that wrong? I'm sorry I'm not a very bright (brainy) person.

Similar to me my final straw was a lot of peopl in my tiny town coming over to my place day and night abusing me (yelling calling me names) because I went broke and had to close the only shop in town, people can be so mean, self centred..

How are you going with your mental health, I hope you are doing okay,.

I used to love the beach, just walking along the waters edge collecting shells and unusual smooth stones, but it triggers me now, hubby left me that legacy. The closest beach from me is a 6-7 hour drive away,

I feel over my head in your thread, like I'm not smart enough to understand a lot of the computer stuff, but still want to get to know you and maybe help you in some small way..if that's okay.. please be kind to yourself and look after you first.

Kindness only.

Grandy..