A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Quercus,

I saw the post early in the day and was going to respond when I had time, but it had been deleted at that point in time. Thought I was imagining things after it had disappeared and figuring it had been reported. It's all good. Whatever happens, happens. You know how I feel about/towards others here and how I respond to posts. I am honored that you feel that way. (I had not thought of sending thanks to others in my workplace. I work from home, with little interaction with others, and that is part of my problem. Does not mean that it cannot work... I would just have to figure out the practicalities!)

DB,

Getting MRI on Monday re PSA and the results will be known on Mar 1. Regarding TAFE, that we looking at me doing teaching at TAFE, not necessarily studying. Well... I need some sort of certificate, but from what I read that if you say you have the intention that is good enough. On the hobby front, that is mainly my online game. I need to make more time for myself. The biggest frustration is that sometime when anxiety bites, both the game and music cannot lift me.

So.. next week... Mon - MRI, Tue to Thu will be at Uni 1/2 day and then lunch on Fri with old(er) friend. Will be a busy week.

Again, from my last session with psych, have to find fun things to do... that is 1/2 done, look into volunteering (1/2 done - I have joined blue voices, will consider "other thing" when I get back to AUS), TAFE teaching (considered, that is about it) and cutting work to part time (when all the other ducks lined up then...

Today was a "meh" day... started bad, then OK and thats about it! But again, there is no satisfaction, no feeling of accomplishment in what I do! Even if I know it works, something in the back of my head, says "you know that you have forgotten something", "its going to crash, and it all your fault".

Will be good to get back to family, I guess. I drift from day to day. At least good to get away from the heat. And I know the family will be glad to see me. I just have to fake the excitement.

[Doolhof]

Hi smallwolf,

There has been some wonderful communication and connection happening here!

Hope the psych appointment goes well. I am seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist next week, so my head will be well and truly cooked after that! Ha. Ha. I have done a couple of (basic) paintings I am going to show to my psychologist that portray how I am feeling at present.

Hope the home coming goes well. Some people do say if yo fake something long enough it can become your reality.

Maybe if the home coming gets a bit much, say you would really like a shower and have a bit of time to yourself there for a while to re-group and relax a little.

I would definitely be no good at IT work. If one little thing goes wrong with the computer, I start to have anger management issues and want to throw the computer out the window! It is because I have not dealt with occasions where I don't feel like I am in control! I need to work on that.

Wishing yo well with your appointment, your home coming and your tasks set by the psych.

Cheers from Dools

[demonblaster]

Hey Wolfy waving back at you too Querus darl (you like darl if I remember ☺) Dools, Croix. Now Ive used my characters up haha

Wolfy it sounds like this week hopefully you'll be able to keep beasty and anxiety at bay being so busy.

Good on you reducing work time really hope that helps and those nagging negatives its depression biting. You're good at what you do, you fix problems and work hard thats where I think can help when negatives come in to allow next thought on that.

Fake it till you make it, ahhh thats a shame. Hey things dont stay the same with time guiding us through life and not stopping and you're making changes so I hope it starts improving for you Wolfy.

Sorry I have to choof off lunch with friends i tic

Hope you're able to recover quickly from trip and get good rest

Dools best with Psychs

Cyaz sorry rushed exit x

Bbl

[smallwolf]

Dools,

Welcome to my hole... Good for you with the painting. I am not artistic at all. So while you might not be good with computers, you can do something I cannot.

On how I fell into IT that is a different story but space does not permit here yet, but maybe important in regards to my situation? And associated feeling of failure etc.

DB,

You are always welcome here. This week will be busy for others reasons (see previous posts) but I am convinced that working alone from home is detrimental to my situation. Two weeks training other programmers does not remove the way I see or interact with the world. Only a temporary reprieve.

Anyway, see how things pan out and let you know.

Hope you have a great day/lunch

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf, and everyone else,

I hope it's okay to call in and say welcome home..

Also thank you for the waterfall, I find it comforting.

If it's okay I would like to read your story and try also to be here to help support your through your journey.

kind thoughts,

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Thanks Wolfy yes was lovely turned out just my very good friend. Was great, always easy time with her.

Yes been reading along the way.

Really hope it starts looking better for you

Best with MRI and PSA results so March 1st be here before you know it. How are you feeling about that?

Thanks for the welcome too ☺

Hope if dont see you before that your weeks good and enjoy fri lunch with your friend. Nice way to finish a busy week

Take care all of you

[Birdy77]

Hey Wolfy 😊

Been with you on a few other threads so thought I'd drop in to your neck of the woods to say gday and welcome home 😄

You have a busy week coming up, so hope all goes well, and see you on the other threads 😉

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

Again. Thanks to you for your comments.

After I got home yesterday, and then at night I as I was getting ready for bed, I got 2 emails from work about an upgrade to a customer site. I went from a state of tiredness to an anxiety state. I then sent a text to a support person. I did not expect him to be awake. But then he replied telling me to call him when I was ready. So I went downstairs to my cave (office) and called him. Talked for about a couple of hours and at that stage was nearly midnight. This morning, I tried to call my boss about the emails but he had stepped out. So this morning I am now going through non-existent worst case scenarios in my freakin' head.

I don't really mind who comes in to read my story. I would just hope that those who do see my story might get something out of it. But you only know part of my story... that which I write here. There is much that I have not stated. The possibility of how it started.. little things that happened at school, then how I feel into computing, having to put up with verbal abuse from customers. Bit by bit it all wears you down. Gotta find a happy place.

[smallwolf]

PS. I know that I can't and it would be harder for others to find, but some looking back, I wish could change the the thread title. It was correct at the time I wrote the initial post... I identified with bits and pieces from other stories, realising what I was going through was not that uncommon. Maybe the title is still appropriate. Maybe just remove the "?". Because it is now turning into my story and I don't really like what I see sometimes.

[demonblaster]

I hope while we walk with you that you do find a happy place Wolfy

If you report your post you can ask for title change

Good luck with emails and boss. Try not to listen only to your initial thoughts and think of alternatives