Which life path to take...

[lost87]

I'm lost, confused, lonely and indescribably hurt!

Rewind 12 months and i was as content as they come. Life was great! This time last year i was 7 months pregnant with what i dubbed our final masterpiece. Number 3 was our honeymoon baby and i couldn't wait! I had been married to my high school sweetheart for 8 months, we'd been together for just over 9 years. There was no problem in my little spot in the world. 

Our little boy arrived in Sep, happy and healthy like his big sister and brother. Complete perfection. I was living the life i always dreamed i would - married to the man of my dreams, mummy to his 3 beautiful babies.

Hubby never wanted a third, he said the stresses of two was enough and we were blessed with one of each anyway. I disagreed and convinced him i wouldn't be content with two. So number 3 came. Number 1 was far from planned at 18 and 19 but loved and wanted and number 3 was no different.

In Oct hubby starting heading out and drinking ALOT, every weekend. I pulled away and for the first time felt things didn't look bright.

Feb i received a letter in the post telling me hubby was cheating on me. My world fell to pieces in front on me. I sit here 5 months later still in shock, still unwilling to accept my reality. I've been to hell and back trying to save my marriage. The affair continued and still does today. I have been treated with the most repulsive lack of respect, it hurts. The lies I've been fed cut me more deeply than he'll ever know. Yet he says he loves me, he wants to be with me and that he doesn't want to be with her. She has told me he has said the same to her regarding me. So why is she still there?

I'm being faced with two life paths - with and without him. We officially separated 15th June and I'm not coping. How can this possibly be my reality? How are we here after everything we worked so hard for? If a friend sat with me across a table and told me everything i've forgiven, i'd want to slap her in the head and tell her to wake up! Love is blind! I don't want to want my husband anymore - ouch, it hurts typing it! But its true. I want a new life, new love, one with trust and honesty, one that honours everything it vows it will. But i don't know how. I've never even broken up with a boyfriend before. Im incapable of even sleeping on my own!

How do i move forward? Can anyone help with advice on firstly accepting everything and then moving past it? How do i stop the anxiety, the panic i feel when i see her? Please help.

[white knight]

Hi lost87,

Making a choice of lifestyle with or without your husband is a matter for you. No one can make that choice for you. However, I think you underestimate yourself. A single mother on her own isn't such a bad alternative. Many women go that way, spend some years alone until they are comfortable within themselves then find a companion.

Your fear is well founded but I think you will eventually go that way anyhow. You wont be able to continue with your husband having a permanent affair. And if he stopped the affair there are other questions- like- will there be another one and another (most likely) and can you overcome the history of the affair in your mind.?

It isnt fair that you have your husband living with you yet he has other satisfaction away from the home. He might be unable to leave his children?? 

If you decide to leave then I suggest you seek some legal advice and some human services help. You might be able to enter a half way house or some other assistance until you set yourself up to be independent.

I understand your hurt. But it is not unlike other hurts, disappointments and crushing traumas we all have experienced her eon this forum. Some stories told here are mindblowingly devastating. So .... remain here and ask questions or simply vent Lost87. Feel free. Sometimes we have to go three steps back to move one step forward. 

My heart goes out to you. Whatever you decide, you need to stand up and fight for that decision.

[AGrace]

Hi lost,

I'm truly sorry for the pain you are currently feeling. The loss of a relationship is like any other form of grief. Sometimes the best thing for us at this point is to get some counselling. It might help you better define your needs and wants moving forward. It's also a useful way to boost your strength so you can continue to be a wonderful mummy to your children.Would you consider seeing a grief counsellor? You can also google dealing with grief, to get some online support.

Acceptance is one of the biggest steps. It comes from a place deep within you, where you realise you are an incredible human being and there will be life after this loss. At the moment you feel like your self worth has been trampled on, so give yourself a little bit of time to adjust to your new circumstances.

I don't know if your husband is still living with you, but if this is the case I'd strongly recommend you send him packing. You need this time on your own to be able to come to terms with what has happened. Having him in your life right now will only cloud your judgement. Is there a reason why you are seeing this person he is having the affair with? I'd put a stop to that as quick as you can, it's only rubbing salt in a very open wound.

In time, you need to decide whether you can trust and love your husband after his actions. WK is right, only you can make this decision. A relationship will never survive without these two things though.

As difficult as it sounds, try not to take this choice your husband has made as an insult toward you. This is totally about him, and is by no means a reflection on you.

I think an appointment with your GP would be a good idea right now so that s/he can refer you to get some additional support. Have you got family around you that can help you with the children for a while? 

Will you keep posting so that we know you are doing ok? If you feel really distressed and need a chat, please contact Beyondblue their trained team will be able to offer you some guidance.

Lots of virtual hugs.

AGrace

[lost87]

Thank you both for your replies! 

I wish more than anything someone could decide the right decision for me. I'm prepared to fight the struggles, I just need to know I'm making the right decision...

When I say he still is having the affair - the specifics are they slept together twice, the rest was all sneaking emotional betrayal, which is what hurts beyond words. He pretty much shut me out and shared his life with her.  There has been more blow ups from them staying in contact then I can honestly count. Now it's supposedly all her making contact and it only happens every so often..  I'm not living at home, it's a step I took in the early days in another attempt to save us. He was unsure of what he wanted and I gave him the space he needed to decide. All sounds so promising hey!

we're both having counselling and I've set up some for my daughter after she started grinding her teeth in her sleep. It helps to have someone listen and not tell me "I would"  unfortunately the other woman plays sport the same place as me every week. That and she is trying to worm her way into every aspect of his life, our life, via social media anyway.  I absolutely love my husband! I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, but I want to! The 6 weeks he spent in contact with her in front if my face happened because he had my full and unsuspecting trust. I was the one he asked to drive him to the pub he went home with her from the second time! I have amazing support around me but still feel alone. 

I had a good talk with him Sunday. He wants to be happy again. Wants to be with me we're selling our house and I'm allowing him to prove everything he is saying. I've decided ill spend the next 8 months living apart still. I need to see that he can let her go and I'm what his heart is truely telling him. At the same time I feel I want all or nothing.. My actions are confusing him... Go figure!