Past the pain zone

[white knight]

I've just come out of the forest.

I'd had 6 weeks of my youngest daughter (21) coming back in my life after 2 years of nothing. It started when she was 14yo. I'd had 10 years of fortnightly visitations then one day she rang me. "I dont want to see you anymore" were her words that would echo through my mind for...well still does today. No reason was given. I pressed her on more info- "I just dont want to see you anymore".

In addition to the child support I paid $14,000 towards her teeth and jaw operations. I mention this only because I'm not a dead beat dad. Every yar or two years she would contact me and I'd forgive her...in my mind anyway...and we'd swap small talk. Nothing ever got resolved. One meeting in a park was arranged. She was 19yo. She mimicked her mothers words, that revenge comprehension that you just know she got from her. Non custodial parents know when their child has been brain washed, they not need evidence.

Then 6 weeks ago she asked for my friendship on Facebook. I accepted and was looking forward to a slow regain of a daughter. Baby steps was the plan. My eldest daugther warned me- "she wouldnt have changed dad". My eldest endured the same unworkable relationship with her birth mother and sister for years until at age 16 (she left home to live with me at age 12) she stopped seeing them altogether. Clean cut, no further contact.

I remarried 3 years ago to my childrens once auntie by marriage. Their favourite auntie. So there is no step mother issues at all. All was going ok in the 6 weeks. Then without warning she defriended me yesterday. The yo-yo went down again.

As I said to Lucy2 on another thread, you ask yourself what do you do? what can you do ? I stayed strong until the afternoon then "lost it". I had an arguement with my wife and walked out towards the bush.

In reflection I was a time bomb today about to explode at any time. My wife copped it.

Then I broke one of our golden rules. I left the property boundary.

I found some peace in the bush and pondered. I have previously on this forum given advice that anyone in this grieving situation should think of other people not themselves. It wasnt easy but after 3 hours I returned home to a more angry wife.

I've been home one hour now. My wife apologised for her actions and I did about mine. It's ok.  Now is the time to make a stand about my youngest daughter and my decision is-

Close the door almost till it hits home. Leave a little bit for miracles. Move on for my protection and happiness.

[JessF]

Hello white knight, I think you are doing the right thing. It's a more positive way of saying prepare for the worst but hope for the best.  You will always be open to contact with your daughter should she get in touch with you, but you won't be waiting by the phone.  It is so sad when family fall out, but we have such limited time on this earth that it does us no good to spend time and energy on those who do not wish to reciprocate, when we are surrounded by people who do love and care for us and need our love back.

[white knight]

Thankyou JessF,

Today was a better day. and it is a lessen for me and others saddened with these sorts of events....to remember tomorrow is usually a better time.

I also think that a parent in my situation shouldnt whistle to my daughters tune. It's about time I set the boundaries of entry into my life. A clear apology and acceptance of what her actions has caused should be a bare minimum. Otherwise, as my eldest daughter said tonight- its repetitive and continuous. Thanks again.

[Jo3]

Hi WK

I feel for you so much.  I feel that this is so much like me and my mum.  Boundaries may need to be set; and yes definitely an apology from your daughter.

As much as it is hard for you, you and your wife are more important than your daughter.  It's difficult but sometimes things happen in our lives that we can't change the other person in how they behave. We just have to learn to live our lives as best we can.

Take care WK, I hope you are okay tonight

Jo

[AGrace]

Hi WK,

I've seen you replying on others posts and so I firstly wanted to say thank you, it takes a real strong character to lend support to others when they're struggling themselves.

Sadly I have a bit of a love hate relationship with my father. He has caused me so much pain and suffering, and yet I still make time for him, and every time we say our goodbyes I'm left feeling a sense of anger and hatred that this man is my father. If it weren't for the fact that I fear what my other family members would think, I'd cut contact with him altogether.

It sounds like you are the exact opposite of my father, you want to be a part of your childrens' lives, you're interested in them, and you love them unconditionally. I could only ever wish for a father like this. I think one day, perhaps when she becomes a parent herself, your youngest daughter will get the chance to see you for who you really are, and she will regret closing off from you.

Your final statement in your first post was really heartfelt. I can imagine this decision to try and live a life without the presence of your daughter must have been a difficult one. In saying this, there's only so many times that you can knock at a door when the other person won't answer, so I think it's a very wise and healthy decision for you. I like the fact that you are leaving a bit of room for miracles, you never know what the future might bring.

I wish you much happiness in being a husband to your current wife, and a wonderful father to your eldest daughter.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear WK, I feel for you being in this situation, but it's no good if reels you in and then cuts the cord again, and any family member has any right to do this, as it raises your hopes but then again disappoints you.

I hope that she apologies but I'm not too sure she will, your a good man and don't deserve this. Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Geoff, Jo and AGrace,

Thankyou for your loving replies. So nice.

I've recovered well.  5 years ago it was a different story. I'd fall into that trap of crying every time I'd think of my youngest. You know- you'd recall how you carried her in long grass, protected her from a spider she got afraid of etc.  I remember in 1996 4 weeks after my first wife and I separated, I collected my daughters from their home and a few minutes later my eldest sitting in the front seat said "why wont you come back home dad" and began to cry....she was 7yo. My youngest at 4yo sat in the back seat sucking her thumb...I turned my head and she said "we want to keep you".  It was shattering. I alighted from the car and told them I have to check the boot. Raised the boot lid and cried my eyes out silently.

These memories, not unlike anyone elses memories are hard to digest. But now an adult its different. She has choices and its HER responsibility.

So my eldest arrived yesterday with her man and stayed overnight and we talked. She is so adamant she will not ever see her birth mother and younger sister for the cruelty they put her through when younger. She is 25, a teacher, a level headed mature woman I'm so proud of. She has now protected herself from them and made a new life. Thankfully my wife of 3 years was also her auntie by marriage and in the family since she was born so Auntie ...became "mum". And a wonderful mum she be. My wife never had children and to be treated as a mum is - wow!!.

 I'm fine now. All good. yes door ajar for a miracle. Otherwise on with life.

CHILD OF INNOCENCE

Mid 90's and it all did matter

no sense and no chatter

into a 3 metre long caravan

silent nights , no pitter patter

But those days long long gone

should no longer ponder on

today is today and I carve my fate

lots of living- never too late

We can only ever do our best

in the world of 'parentfest'

be it my mind only to convince

I did my best for the innocent.......

WK

[AGrace]

A smile and a tear WK. If it were up to me "father of the year" :))

[white knight]

that is so nice AGrace. My eldest says the same.

In 14 years I never missed a child support payment. Along with that when my youngest was 14 I got asked by her mother to pay for her jaw realignment and teeth- $14,000. Didnt flicker and eyelid to pay it, mostly on credit. No guilty feelings about giving our relationship a chance.

That's ;life, it goes good then it goes bad. An example of how we can be thrown around And an example for us here as we advise others of how it can go, and how we are to move forward and not dwell on what we have no control over some issues.

We may well be anonymous to each other but we know each other too. We care, we support and we steer in the right direction.  🙂  I feel good. Sad but good as I'm confident I've done nothing wrong.

[Jo3]

WK

I have to agree with AGrace you deserve to be "Father of the Year".  That poem made me cry.

You did so much for your children and always paid.  You are a fantastic dad, I just hope that one day your daughter sees this but it is HER choice, and HER responsibility for how she behaves. But for now you have your life to live with your wife.

And WK you're right - you have done nothing wrong.

Take care my friend

Jo xx