Unexpected loss of my dad, my best friend. Feel I should have done more.

[pl515p1]

Hello, I feel vulnerable typing this but the words seem to be flowing as fast as my tears.

A few weeks ago I found my father passed away in his bed at only 69. He was always early to rise and seize the day, yet that day I rose from my slumber before him, it immediately felt wrong, and as I knocked on his door reality hit me like a brick. There, before my eyes I saw my father, a man who's strength, patience and generosity made him 11 foot tall and bulletproof to me, laying on his back in bed, so still, so still... far too still.

I immediately tried to wake him by shaking him, then breathed into his mouth before beginning CPR, but as I compressed his chest I heard one of his ribs or bones make a sound which terrified me and caused me to panic, knocking over his table before running outside to call the police.

I have been in denial, and keeping busy has kept a lot at bay, but in the past 6 or so days it has felt as if my entire body has caved in, I have broken down multiple times per day drenching myself in tears and searching for reasons to stay on this plane.

His death was such a shock, I still recall his final words 'I'm off to bed, goodnight' I never thought in a million years, that goodnight would turn out to be goodbye.

I have felt so much guilt owing to my circumstances for the past few years.

See as an adult I had to go back to him for help in rebuilding my life, so he was my beacon in the dark world, raised me as a single father from a child, and now too as a man.

I cannot repay what I owe to him, he sacrificed everything for me, yet only ever asked of me to be happy and live a good life.

Other guilt stems from the thought that I did not provide CPR for long enough, once I heard his rib I felt as if I were hurting him and fell apart, I know that I did not hurt him, yet I cannot shake that remorse, I also regret the few days before he passed as he was so tired and lethargic, he was recently recovering from a bout of shingles and a slight chest infection so we both assumed that was the reason for his tiredness, but I feel I should have done something, forced him to go to the GP or something...I never thought he would go to bed Monday night and never wake up, I don't think he did either.

I have been talking to his photo and recording myself on his phone, have asked him to take me away too, yet I know he gave too much of himself for me to throw it all away.

I put on a brave face for others but his phone holds my truth, miss you man, I am trying dad.

[pl515p1]

sunnyl20
Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful words, I think you may be right, I am hard on myself, probably because I saw how hard dad worked during a time he should not have had to. Guilt and regret is pushing me down, even though I know dad hated to see me sad, I can hear him telling me I did him proud, he is probably up there now bragging about his son to everyone ha ha, I hope he knows I am even more proud of him.

The trauma is something I have not spoken of, I briefly mentioned that I went back into his room last week to my counsellor but it was too painful, I have since blocked access even more, so I don’t know if I will ever go back there again, once I move then I hope it does not haunt my rest. I can see my dad in bed when I close my eyes, I have to think of other things.

I hope the pain eases, if only a small amount, I pray I have not already been consumed, I miss him more each day, our bond is stronger than ever. I can feel him nudging me, to keep going, to eat, or seek help.
I wish I could give him a hug, just grab his hand once more.

Look after yourself.

therising
I don't know how to respond to what you have written, as it enters my heart.
I can only express it as I feel it, this is what reading your words feels like to me.

I am walking down an unknown path where everything around me is dark, the lighthouse I once looked to for guidance extinguished too soon.

The way forward is empty, full of sombre shadows, so cold and lonely, where only the path behind me, the path to my past, shows colour. Yet I cannot go back, I can merely look back to see what once was, what I once was.

I stand in place, frozen between worlds, locked from my past, yet unsure of my foothold into the future.

I stand still for too long, the darkness ahead rushes towards me, I turn, and the radiant light of my past moves away from me, I try to chase it, but the faster I run, the quicker it escapes me.

I am exhausted, I reach out for something to hold onto as I fall, I miss the edge, and fall into an abyss, forever falling, forever reaching out.

Then, suddenly, my hand catches something, for a fleeting moment I am no longer falling, I am calm, I am still, I can feel my feet on solid ground.

I look around me, and out of the corner of my eye a luminous light pierces through the dark, illuminating a path.

A welcome break in the gloom.

I think if there is a special person here, then you must see them in the mirror each day.
Stay special, take care.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

You are so beautiful. Wondering if anyone has told you that you are a Wordsmith. You have such a touching soulful way in shaping words, to form both clear vision and emotion. Perhaps this is a part of your calling, someone who is destined to stir and raise others through the power of words.

I thought of you this morning, with great emotion. It occurred to me that this can be an incredibly challenging month for someone who has experienced the loss of someone they love. If Christmas and New Years is something they have shared in the past, with their loved one, the challenge to face these times without this person can feel torturous. Do you feel you need a management plan, as this time approaches?

In reforming our self, there are so many challenges. Life can seem cruel in some of the ways it reforms us. While my challenges pale in comparison to yours, I have found them to hold some revelations. Give you an example of a challenge that's been significant in my life:

While (for some years) I've faced a slowly dying marriage, each time I faced disappointment I believed the same old thing was repeating, 'No matter how much I give, no matter how much I try, this marriage becomes depressing'. Over and over again, I focused on this when there was a downshift. Not too long ago, it occurred to me 'Each time I give, I give a better version of myself to this relationship'. I was gradually evolving through the micro challenges without realising. So, while the overall challenge appeared the same, I was a different person as I was meeting it again. There is a great sense of pride that comes with this knowledge. This sense of pride has replaced what was once a sense of failure. I came to realise my husband's quite happy with the way things are and doesn't feel the need for growth. Me, I've come to need more excitement and things to look forward to in my relationship and life in general. While I once appointed him the role of 'He in my life who generates difference', I've come to disappoint him from this role and it's been liberating. Appointing roles that cannot be met can imprison us in sufferance. I've now appointed myself the role of 'Loving myself to life'.

If ever you feel like you're failing in coming to manage the challenge of losing your dad, remember you are managing all the 1st time micro challenges which can involve the often painful process of disappointment. With each appointment removed, a bar is removed from that prison cell.

Take care 🙂

[pl515p1]

This is so hard, I was going okay today, but a small thing captured my attention tonight, saw some kids playing cricket and it brought me back to childhood, and a wonderful memory, we were playing, dad did his funny bowling dance to put me off, he always made me laugh that way, and always put me off, sure enough, he got me out while we were both laughing...

I raced him to the shop after to buy a milkshake, he won the race, so I had to buy him one, even though he had to give me the money first ha.

I was in tears of laughter remembering that, those tears now taste so bitter and cold.

I wish I did not recall it, the loss feels ever greater, I miss him so much, I would give anything to race alongside him once more, even with a head start he'd catch me.

I am trying so hard, so hard, I have done so much, this pain in my heart is as deep as my love for dad.

I am so torn, feels as if I am being pulled in so many directions, those supporting me urging me forward, my memories pulling me back, me grief dragging me down, my need to make dad proud holding me up.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

So very many triggers leads me to an even greater understanding when it comes to just how interactive your dad was in your life. If I was to try imagining the pain you're experiencing, I'm sure I wouldn't even come close to imagining how intense it is. I suppose this is where grief counseling in group therapy makes a difference to some people; how everyone in the group can relate in some way and make a difference in supporting each other through the intensity and overwhelming loss. I'm going back many years when I speak of attending post natal depression group therapy. Such a relief to find others who were feeling like I was. To feel free to be able to relate out loud to how much we resented those around us for not being more understanding or supportive was liberating. Not feeling bad about expressing this was liberating. Being supported in feeling angry, depressed, unmotivated, unloving (in this case) etc allowed for great emotion to be freely vented, without fear of being judged. While some may say 'Group therapy would be depressing, listening to everyone vent in such a depressing way', it can actually have the opposite effect. Wondering if this is something you've considered.

pl515p1, I want you to know how much you have inspired me. While I read your words that help define the nature of yourself and your dad, I look around me to find only few in my life with such a nature. While now at a point in life where I'm feeling somewhat lost and in need of direction, I now know the type of people I need more of in my life. I believe, once we have come to know the extraordinary nature of those who inspire us, it is hard to settle for anything or anyone less. The challenge, in part, becomes about finding those who hold the nature which helps set the foundations for the life we need to build or rebuild for our self.

While I wish my 15yo son and 18yo daughter could have the kind of relationship you had with your dad, their father remains someone who basically loves them, basically raises them and is basically there for them. If my husband was to pass at this point in my kids' life, the grief they experience would be basic, not outstanding. All those triggers you face, on the path ahead, will reflect the outstanding relationship you have had with your dad. At some point in the future you may find the desire to mentor kids who do not have such an outstanding relationship at home, kids you could raise to a much needed laugh in a simple game of cricket.

🙂

[sunnyl20]

Hi pl515p1,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are going. The Christmas/New Year period can be an especially difficult time when you have lost someone close to you. I hope you are doing okay. We are here to listen if you feel like sharing. If not that is okay too, just know that you have the space here if you need. Take care.

[pl515p1]

Hello therising, thank you for your beautiful, thoughtful words. I'm sorry I cannot provide an eloquent response such a post deserves at this time. I am honoured by your thoughts of me, and to learn that what I have spoken of has inspired you, is incredibly humbling and touching.

Sincerely, thank you.

Hellosunnyl20, thank you for your concern.

This past week has been unbelievably difficult for me. Last week I went out to lunch, and then dinner with some friends, but this week, this week I have felt so lost, so empty, most days I am broken.

Sometimes I feel as I'm just a puppet on a string, being thrown into wall after wall with reckless abandon.

I had some good news Sunday, something I could not believe, was so happy it kept me awake all night.
Eventually sleep crept upon me. When I awoke, I wanted to share my news with the most important person in my life.

So I called dad... and as the phone rang and rang, and rang, the high and haze of my happiness lifted, reality kicked the door of my defence down, reached into my chest, and ripped out my heart and soul...

I stood there, stupefied and frozen, for what felt an eternity, before dad's voice echoed out from the phone speaker "I'm not here at the moment, leave a message"

That simple sentence shook me to the core. I dropped the phone and fell what felt like 1000 floors.
To be up so high, only to crash down so low, that one hurt, that one really hurt.

Today I dreamed of him, I was in bed, he was behind my head, standing over me looking down, his hands reached towards me...Then I woke up.

I don't know if he was reaching out to comfort me, or to take me...I wish he would...

[pl515p1]

I don't want to sleep anymore, dreams are too painful to wake out of, so I wrote this tonight, it is overwhelming, I hope dad understands that none of this is his fault, he is probably worried about me all the time, don't blame yourself dad, you have done everything and more for me. From the moment I first opened my eyes I loved you, I never knew just how special a father I had until...

You sacrificed a lifetime to raise me, sacrificed your body working to provide for me, you sacrificed your retirement plan to take me back in and nourish me, you sacrificed your freedom to be there for me.

I was selfish, childish, and took it all for granted.
We had so many good times I have written a book about them.

Everyone misses you dad, they tell me how proud you were of me, even at my lowest, you raised me higher. I can only tell you that I am even more proud of you!

I saw you above me, don't be angry at me dad please, and just know that you were the greatest father anyone could ever hope for, don't blame yourself for leaving, don't see my failing as your failing.

I wrote you this poem, and a letter, it is next to your wallet, I placed a Ferry ticket in your wallet too, so you can travel with me forever


Too hard to leave, too hard to stay.
The path I choose, will hurt either way.

Move forward for tomorrow, broken and alone?
Move on towards sorrow, into the unknown?

One path is long, with a lifetime of pain.
One path is wrong, how will I ever explain?

I try to exist, I try to get by.
I cry to exit, I cry to...

I miss you dad, I'm looking to you.
I need you dad, tell me what to do.

When an animal suffers, that's when they call it humane.
When I am human, why must I endure the pain?

I miss you dad, I'm talking to you.
I need you dad, but I can't hear you.

Which way do I turn? Should I trust my own mind?
What will I learn, what will I find?

I miss you dad, can you see I miss you?
Please don't be sad, look at all we've been through.

I love you dad, please don't hate me if I fall.
I'm sorry dad, man, you gave it your all.

Not much else to say really, thank you for all of the support over these past... however long it has been, feels a lifetime. Too hard for me to think,

Anyway, Stay safe, take care and, yeah.

[Sophie_M]

Hey pl515p1,

We're so sorry you're going through such a difficult time and are unable to sleep because the dreams are too painful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here and your poem. You are very articulate and sensitive which are wonderful gifts. Please know that our wonderful community is here to support you. We are also reaching out to you privately to offer additional support.

We'd really encourage you to reach out to our Support Service (1300 22 4636) as well as our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) to talk to a friendly, caring counselors to help process the heavy feelings and thoughts you are experiencing. You've mentioned before you have talked to counselors at Grief Line and it sounded like those conversations were helpful. We'd encourage you to get in touch with them again.

Remember that you are not alone. Please do keep updating us on how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[therising]

Hi pl515p1

I wish I was there with you to just put my arms around you. If I could wish for anything at all today, this would be my wish.

Not knowing how to live without your dad just doesn't seem fair. How cruel life must feel, to have brought you so far, with his guidance, and then just leave you not knowing how to live anymore. How do we live when we just don't know how to do it, without so much pain? I can remember asking myself this question more than a couple of decades ago, when I was in the absolute depths of depression. I couldn't have fallen any further. I was at the bottom, in the darkest place. My answer was 'I can't do this anymore'. I took action that I soon came to regret. I called a friend and he drove me to hospital. 'Too hard to leave. Too hard to stay' is a line that deeply resonates with me. What I came to realise was the fact I didn't want to go but at the same time I didn't know how to live. This can be a torturous existence, without a doubt. I lived a day at a time, looking for a difference that would change my life. Eventually, some years later, I found the difference which led me out of depression.

pl515p1, would you consider staying, to search for the differences in life? What if you were to write a list of differences you could search for, a conscious exercise. What differences might your dad ask you to look for? What can you hear him saying, when it comes to the 1st few differences to look for? For example, set out to make a person laugh or go outside at 5 in the morning and listen to the birds come to life or connect with a certain person (like your uncle). What differences would he expect you to begin making or looking for? Would he say 'You have to stop focusing on me so much'?

If your dad is reaching out to you, like he was in your dream (just before you woke up), what could you hear him saying? Could it be 'I want you to start making a difference. Show me how you do it'? Make all differences in honour of him and your self. Some of those differences will be challenging and such challenges will be mind altering but sometimes mind altering is exactly what we need.

By the way, this is a bit of an unusual difference but it can't hurt to give it a go. Meditation, with a twist. To relax and quieten the mind and meditate on making a connection to a person, like your dad, could become a peaceful exercise with moments of inspiration. There are plenty of 'Connecting with a loved one' meditations on YouTube.

Sending a hug to you 🙂

[pl515p1]

Thank You Sophie, I am trying to fight so hard.

Thankyou therising for you warmth, I feel it. I will try what you have described, I will try.

The Friday night I wrote my post, I felt so low, I was ready to go, I almost fell into oblivion.
I wanted everything to go away, my pain, my grief, my regret, my memories, my anger, my thoughts, myself.
I just wanted to be nothing, in, and of, nothing.

I went into dad's room for only the second time since I found him.
His room is untouched, his bed is still unmade from when they rem...when they carried him away.

I laid on his bed, I tried to position myself they way he was, I, I laid there all night, hoping in some deluded way, that if I were to fall asleep on his bed, the way he was, I too could pass away in my sleep, and find peace.

I woke up, cried, stayed on his bed all the next day, tried again that night.

Talking to dad, asking him, begging him to come and take me with him, each night I wished my sleep would last forever, but each day I woke up, more grief stricken, more angry.

I stayed in dad's room for 4 days, did not eat or leave the house all week, but I am still here.

Today (Friday) I had a dream where dad and I were having breakfast, he sat down at the table, and I woke up to a reminder of my counsellor appointment.

So I went to my session, I told her about it, she is concerned.

This is where I am at, as you no doubt understand too, I miss dad so much that I don't want to exist in a world without his warm, beaming presence, I want him back, but that cannot happen, I don't want to hurt dad, or the people who care about me, but to avoid hurting them, I myself must hurt each day.

So I feel trapped, I am still treading water. I had one foot on solid ground, then a tidal wave of grief crashed into me, dragging me back into the depths, now I have to fight the ever increasing tide all the way back to shore, which sure seems so far away.

I played his voice message for a while, after I came home from counselling, and when I squint, it almost feels as if the voice is coming from his photo...something to keep me afloat.

I will follow your advice, and continue to search, I owe it to dad...and to myself, as well as caring people such as you.

Dad was always proud of me, I want to give him reason to be...

Thank you very, very much.