Today I wrote a letter to my loved one,harmful or helpful?

[ABC01]

Hello,
Today after having read for months on grief pages,that I could write a letter to my lost loved one and it maybe helpful for my grief, I wrote one.

I decided not to write anything negative about their death,but to focus instead on writing about how much I loved them and how they made me feel everyday. I wrote about alot of our great moments together and how it made me feel so unconditionally loved and special. I wrote how I was so proud of them and thanked them for how I was so lucky to have meet and known them. I also wrote about how our time was stolen from us and how I would have liked to have lived with them and to be together through all that time. I said goodbye. And this is the first time I have said those words to them. Goodbye means forever. It is a final meaning word.

 I am not sure if I have done more harm then good doing it. I shook all afternoon. They say there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Has anyone else done this before and did you find it helpful for your grief?

Thank you,

ABC01

[Scared]

I think what you did is wonderful and Im proud of you .  Sincerely.  I know how hard that is to do.  But what you have done is protect yourself from your grief becoming complicated grief.  Its healthy. Your right in one sense that there is no right or wrong way to grieve but eventually starting the process of grieving we must face it eventually and that you have started.  They will always belong in your heart and that you dont need to say goodbye to that.

[ABC01]

Dear Scared,

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I think I have already started moving into complicated grief and am trying to move out of it.

If that was a start and helpful. That is good to know.

I am grateful for your reply. I am happy if that letter was ever to reach him,that he would know my heart.

And thank you,because I know he will always be with me. It is that he isn’t with me now that makes me so scared to say those words “Goodbye “. Like it is so final. But I know he is in his place,just for him in my heart and that can’t ever change.

So thank you for your reply and support on such a tricky topic.

ABC01

[Scared]

Welcome

[sbella02]

ABC01,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Your words are powerful. It definitely shows how much you loved this person and how much they meant to you. 

I think there's something special about writing letters that will never be sent. I've done this many times, not necessarily for people in my life who have passed but also for people who are no longer in my life for various reasons. It feels nice to just express things that you either never got to say, or just to reminisce about certain moments. I feel better after writing letters. It's become part of my journaling routine because it's a good way to process things, in my opinion.

I'll ask you, how did you feel after writing the letter? Do you feel better, worse, the same? Sometimes writing multiple letters can also help, or even reading it out to someone who will understand and listen, if you'd feel comfortable doing that. 

Take care of yourself during this time, and be patient with yourself too. Listen to your body and mind, they know how to help you.

SB

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

To answer your question,after I finished writing this letter I couldn’t stop shaking. Not hours after I finished writing it.That is why I didn’t know whether it was helpful or not.

 I guess in a way saying how I would have liked to be together for the rest of our life/time together and that our love will always be the same and remain made me feel like I was actually saying it to them. That was nice.

But the Goodbye word hit me too hard and made me feel really sad about it. It was too final. And I need to find a balance between healthy and distress.

Thank you for asking. And I am glad that you find release in this method.

Perhaps it maybe a helpful thing in the future. If I am only writing love,instead of grief,which was the point of this letter.

ABC01

[sbella02]

I'm sorry to hear that. Of course, that kind of reaction would leave you feeling confused and wondering whether it was healthy or not to write a letter.

There's no easy way to deal with grief. It's devastating to lose someone we love - there's always more to tell them, do with them, show them, learn from them. 

I'm a big believer that our bodies know how to best respond to grief. Whatever you feel like you need to do to process and heal from loss, I believe that there's benefit in listening to that. If you feel like you were led to write the letter, it's probably what your body felt that you needed in that moment. 

How have you been feeling about writing your letter since?

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

Since writing the letter…I don’t know. I am able to talk to their picture at night before I go to sleep and can see the blame not being so bad, but I had a conversation with someone else about that and their tact,was quite in my face, but I heard one thing from them. And I keep reminding and repeating to myself the message about it not being my fault.

However depression has taken me to dark places. And today the message I got was, I have to survive this, to survive this. The second “This” meaning life. Before they passed I didn’t have my life in order. So I feel a little exhausted. But maybe the letter has helped me want to live a little more then I did before, if I can contemplate that.

I am still grieving and quite raw in my grief. But as others have said, I need to feel what I am mind and body. So I am going with that.

Thank you for asking,

ABC01

[sbella02]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. Grieving is hard. We're such social creatures as humans, and to lose someone who is so special to us, it can really take a toll on all aspects of our life.

Talking to their picture at night sounds like it may be good for you. Are there any other things - trinkets, clothes, any item at all - that you have of theirs? Sometimes it's nice to also have their things close by, it can feel comforting. My dad keeps a picture of his parents on his bedside table for this reason. It's a nice little reassuring reminder of them that you can carry with you wherever you like.

Is there anything else that you're doing now that makes you feel motivated and happy, or anything you've been meaning to do for a while? Setting aside time in your day to do things that make you feel good can make a world of difference. Whether it's something you used to do with your loved one, something that you loved doing as a child, these things can be really impactful if we set aside a little bit of time (even if it's just ten minutes a day) to do it.

Just remember, we're always here to have a chat if you feel you need space to talk about your loved one to people who'll listen, or to vent about things. 

[ABC01]

Dear sbella02,

Since they have passed,nothing has a good feeling to it. I hear what you are saying. I am just lonely. Sometimes I wonder if coming on this forum everyday is helpful or hindrance. I am so grateful to talk with people,but sometimes I think it can give me something it can’t. It fills a space of time for me,an hour or two where I have no purpose for that time, but sometimes always talking about the same topics, I can get a little consumed by them. And what I need sometimes is actual relief from them. If that makes sense.

My little dog is here with me. In her bed on the floor. That is where she likes to be the best. But I am still lonely with her there. But she is still with me,even though she could go and be with anyone else in my house. Maybe, I can start with her. Getting HER out for a walk everyday that we can, it would make me feel as if I have done something for HER. Her quality of life. I might find pride in that again.

 I have had a heavy day mentally.

Thank you for your support and reply.

ABC01