Change of Season blues.

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I don’t know if the season changing is the catalyst,but I see my passed loved one every where. The memories are flooding in and I am just so sad. I have started writing down the memories that are making me sad that day. One to get them out and two maybe to be able to cherish them later,at some point.

I just miss them incredibly. I yearn for them. They have only been gone five and a half months.
Is this grieving? One of the cycles?

 I have been so zonked out trying to get my medication right,the depression set in. Now I may finally be stable in medication,is this months of grieving surfacing?
 I feel slightly out of control. Not that I am. But I feel like my feelings are ping ponging all over the place and am on the edge of crying almost always.

Thank you for your time and replies,

ABC01

[Scared]

Hello.

What you are going thru is the toughest thing a person can go thru.  This is why there is no way to grieve but only how you feel on any given day.  How you feel today may be different to how you feel tomorrow.   5 months is not long in the process of grief and you learn there are worse days than others and there is no rhyme or reason for this change generally.   Living each day as it comes and simply acknowledge you are not doing well today.  Also never allow others to tell you how you should feel or think. I talked about complicated grief.   Someone i know their only child died and its been years now since this event..  This person now has complicated grief as she doesnt want to recover.  Initially we can all understand and expect she doesnt want to recover who would but this person doesnt allow other things to come into her life.  She fails to see that allowing herself to be more active in life DOES NOT mean she has moved on and forgetting her child.  It means her loss is still there but more balanced with other activities.  You writing about memories is a theraputic and healthy thing to do.  My dad had to bury his son and it broke him until he let Jesus into his life.  I saw Jesus work a miracle on my dads outlook of life.  I dont have an answer why life can be so cruel to us but Jesus or having a God helps make sense of the cruelty of losing loved ones.   

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

This year seems to be your "annus horribilis,” or your horrible year. I'm so sorry you are grieving so deeply for your loved one. That's the trouble when someone you really loves dies you get left behind with all those emotions "ping ponging all over the place". It's just too much pain isn't it and yet you always take the time to help others.

I've just been over reading up on Grandy's life and how this traumatised woman, who also helps others on this forum, was abused by an insensitive woman at the op-shop she was volunteering at. It affected her so much she had to leave.

I hope you have someone who can support you during this time but if not, ring one of the crisis lines, I do that often. Take care.

Merricat 🌹

[ABC01]

Dear Merricat and Scared,

Thank you both for your responses. I know that it hasn’t been that long in timeframe,but to me it has felt like an eternity. And I have felt every second of it.

Thank you Merricat, I will call the hotline if it isn’t bearable for me or people aren’t there for me. This year has been one of the worst of my life. Possibly even the cruelest. I have had to face being myself and going about my day, one morning and everything was going along fine,then that afternoon, having to have to face something horrible and then contemplate who I am anymore. And have ever since.

Thank you Scared, I am sorry to hear the story of the woman. My heart breaks for her. In a way, I too don’t want to recover from his passing. I believe it means goodbye. Goodbye is final/forever. But at the same time I want to be healthy. I just don’t want to move on without him. But I know that isn’t what he would want for me. I understand everything you have said to me. One day it makes sense,and then the next it doesn’t.My mind is also only able to process so much in one day. And then it tries to protect itself to preserve itself for the rest of that day.

I can’t possibly understand how I am meant to live the next so&so amount of years to be an elderly person,without them. I know I have options and I have to choose what one I want to take. And my therapies should help . But the pain is intense. The longing is intense. Because the love was so intense. 

So I thank you both. Even as I have tears in my eyes as I write back. Sometimes you just need to cry.

Grateful,

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi again

I'm worried about you.  Maybe you should ring Lifeline Crisis (13 11 14) and when asked press 1 for the crisis team.  When I'm suicidal or feeling very manic, I ring them as they are trained in dealing with people in crisis which I think you may be in.  Sometimes it really helps to just cry and vent and usually by the end of the call you are so exhausted you fall asleep.  Have a warm shower, a hot drink and have plenty of tissues handy and give them a call.  If you still need to talk to someone late at night or early in the morning you can call them again.  Done it myself plenty of times and they said that they are always there for me.  Take care.

Merricat 🩷

[tranzcrybe]

There is an inexorable pain when losing a loved one, but as with all heartache, this is an expression of love - to do otherwise would be more disconcerting.
Grief is neither an illness nor deficiency, although it will feel that way for some time as you mentally adjust to a new (and often foreign) environment.
I found comfort in some advice to simply allow these emotions to surface, acknowledge them, and even contemplate how they are acting on us without trying to stifle or direct an outcome.
Remember, they are not inherited but of our own internal reconciliation of circumstances beyond our control; and it is your very soul making a case for the departed along with an indelible recollection of shared experiences (including longing, as this is surely mutual) being processed and ultimately cherished.
Be they happy or poignant recollections, it is the bond that will remain between you regardless of distance.

[ABC01]

Thank you Merricat,

I have a team of people I am under and am being monitored and supported. I have rang these hotlines before and will do so again when needed. Just to sit in these constant uncomfortable feelings is intense and hard. But that is grief. And also depression. I won't lie, I am a little lost,like I need a purpose,but if I don't deal with this grief properly now,it will come back around again. And I don't know if I will have the support system I do have now, in the future.

Thank-you truly for your worry and support. It is nice to know that people care.

ABC01

[ABC01]

Dear tranzcrybe,

I am letting what needs to happen, happen.

Acceptance is half/half at the moment. 

I understand that they are gone. It is just dealing with the circumstances surrounding their passing. Hate, blame, regret and even shame. It wasn't my fault and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I wasn't even there when they passed. Unfortunately, my mind seeks answers and when it can't find any, it blames myself. Because that is easier to do. Facing it now is hard. But I am facing it.

Thank you for your reply.

ABC01

[Merricat]

Hi ABC01

I'm glad you have a good support team to help you through this terrible time.  I felt so sad for you being all on your own and having so much hurt to deal with.  I do hope your support team are there for you over the weekend as those two days can often be really hard. Take care.

Merricat 🦋

[ABC01]

Thank you Merricat,

I read your post the other day but didn’t know how to reply. So I will just say a big thank you for your kindness and empathy towards me. I am alone in a room full of other people who have moved on or don’t express their grief anymore outwardly. 

Thank you again,

ABC01