Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[white knight]

Thankyou e26 . I suppose poetry has had a remarkable soothing effect on my times of grief. In my younger days (my dad passed away in 1992 aged 64) someone told me I "do grieve deeply". I still don't know if that's true or not but what I do know is that while grief is necessary and individual,  the limit of grief is real in that when your well being is under threat perhaps emerging signs of self harm, unhealthy thoughts or even excessive sick days can do harm. My way of dealing with those things is to ask myself "would my father be happy to see me in this state"? Imagination plays a big part, to imagine him smiling when I extinguish self harm thoughts for example. 

My wife has her mums ashes high up in our lounge. She was a Collingwood supporter (her only fault). We have a TV that a few times a year turns on by itself. Soon after she passed one night it turned on just as we fell asleep and on came the footy. I went to turn it off and realised Collingwood had won and sat there waiting for the victory song- for mums sake. Since then we laugh when her team wins remembering her singing the song and blame her for turning the telly on. Turning things around can work. Sometimes. 

Dads Print

Dad knew I’d want to follow
Where ever he went-in his footsteps
Through your pride and boyish whim
I always tried to follow him

And on Sundays a few hours spare
I be his shadow for the day to care
Boy behind his dad so tall
But he didn’t mind-didn’t mind at all.

Then as his life cut so short
wish to follow as my last resort
No wonder he used a broom to sweep
To hide his footstep stencilled feet

But now and then I see a print
Where he’s been in the misty tint
Like a ghostly outline of a sole
I place your foot inside the hole

Sadness will follow in my inept
It’s just something I must accept
But I will be eager the day my feet will greet
My father’s footstep stenciled feet...

TonyWK 

[Emotions26]

Thank you TonyWk. 

Poetry does stand out from the crowd does it not. 

I love reading some poetry and yet have no skills in this area at all.

I have written a fair amount of prose or my interpretation of such yet prose cannot be compared with poetry in my mind. I have also written my thoughts on most days for the better part of my life. Not to be read but for me to get them out of my head. Has helped me immensely. Not to be shared either.  I have much shredding ahead of me!!

Have you written any songs? Do you happen to play any musical instruments?

I started learning classical guitar some 35 years ago and then work, life took over as they do.

I completed learning in several other areas of interest over the years.  I enjoy the learning and endeavouring to achieve but not the competition other than against myself.

I am different I know. I am fine with that now, even though teased and taunted mostly at home and occasionally elsewhere.

So my showing emotion and wanting to discuss forbidden topics was seen as "me being me, the difficult, weird one". 

This part I did recognise as being their issue not mine, eventually. Yet I still yearned that connection with them hoping that my encouragement and attempting to bring everyone together might change things.

Almost a double shock effect of "no".

I am so sorry to read of your struggles, Tony, yet at the same time can see how much you have endured, turned around to suit yourself and have to be proud of. Your family support you, as you are and that is what family really is. You might not have had the family you wanted growing up as in the complete father, mother, sibling(if any) scenario. You certainly have a strong, supportive family now that you are very much a contributor to.

Your poetry shouts out to me of your strength.

I hope that in continuing on with my journey I gain more and more strength. I have found some; even though the words I have left here on other posts might not convey that to all who read. 

I feel strongly, express far more strongly than ever before and will always have my inner voice of justice with me.

There are many boundaries in life, I have learnt only recently. Some that I have set myself and some set by others.  This I am still becoming aware of and learning from.

I believe that those we love strongly will always learn of this regardless of how they have treated us. What happens next. I have no idea.

Perhaps best not to ponder on. We have passed on our gift and that is enough.

So loss and grief can take us in so many directions without us even knowing. 

When I am at my lowest, I am actually learning the most. Little comfort though.

Thank you for listening and responding

Ems

n 

[Emotions26]

Hello smallwolf,

Not wanting to interrupt your conversation with TWK.

I read the question about distraction and critic.

I find that some of this works some of the time and then my brain is way ahead of me and I have to come up with something else.

I wonder if it is similar to being lost in a maze?

In particular if the maze was so complex and there was more than one way out yet each way taken led to different experiences.

ems

[white knight]

Hi Ems

This thread is one of those that is most beneficial and I'm hoping Tim is finding that also.

Ems, so much to respond to your post. At 26yo I had the most profound 30 minutes transformation in my life and you can read it here- (if you havent already) 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

That transition from negative to positive is now inground in me 42 years later, I'm so glad I didnt remain negative (Ps I'm not saying you are negative BTW)

You comment "So my showing emotion and wanting to discuss forbidden topics was seen as "me being me, the difficult, weird one".  What an honour to be the different one! There is a certain glow in the honour of rising up from the ashes to succeed where some believed you wouldnt, to expand upon the tags labelled at you when young, kind of a "forced maturity" to overcome and become better and in some cases to look down upon those that wouldnt accept you as an individual nor rubber stamp anything you did... only pick holes in your actions even if good intentions were there. ou eventually got there, "their issues not mine". You stood on the peak, conquered the mountain... a survivor.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I’m sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

Can’t find a piece of turf

Where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain

Then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

A barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

By weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

Cause it doesn’t have a need

Till lately it be the friends

That helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

-supportive grains of sand

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quick sand laughing so loud

A kind man says goodbye

And as I become one of ‘them’

My heart now granuled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it! I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the man I am…

TonyWK

I dont play an instrument. I had a cousin that is a successful country singer that I couldnt get to put my poems into song. Unfortunately my estranged mother was very successful in triangulation and her narcissistic ways were very efficient in dragging my loved ones away from my life in a gang mentality. So I lost many relatives. Even my positivity takes a battering.

Rising from any challenge can be a mammoth ride,  my constant intention is to not be seen as a know all. I try to be humble but it never shows through. I dont see myself as any better than anyone else on this forum. A owner of a classic car that doenst know what a spanner is, is no less worthy of enjoyment than some owner that married his car.

Metaphors, one line sayings can overturn a truck in my mind. I love it when I read a line and it changes my whole perspective.  I've read some of the childhood mental challenges Tim has been faced with and recently his confusion with his dads passing. I can imagine (due to my mothers attitudes of me never being good enough) and I'd love nothing more than present a line that would solve all of Tims feelings. But my therapist did say 4 decades ago - "when are you going to stop saving the world"? Also other people might not ever react/respond to one line life changing words, for them ongoing conversation of deep thinking on a topic might make small inroads. I respect that.

As for my poetry I like to make an impact not for attention (although thats nice) but to better the world. Like our presence here, all of us, to better the mental health of ourselves and help others. 

You mentioned boundaries-

"boundaries are more impactful and just to those that had to create them by force"   

"you might need to gain strength ongoing till you pass, that's ok if you dont aim for a cure"......

I'm rambling, sorry. 

TonyWK

[Emotions26]

I agree wholeheartedly smallwolf.

Yes perhaps if we all put our heads together, we could come up with a brilliant manual of instructions on how to shut the inner noise once and for all.

Perhaps a new subject for a new thread?

What do you think small wolf and Tony Wk?

I had a conversation about this subject a while back with quirkywords and Eagle Ray.  A good laugh.

Humour always saves the day.

Actually humour shuts up the inner noise for a while anyway.

Ems 26

[Emotions26]

Hello again Tony WK

I hope that you don’t mind my responding to everything that you write to me.

I find your response, that you experienced the most profound transformation in your life, even more inspiring than the incident that you wrote about which is incredible.

I am, a positive person.  Surprise, surprise.  My opening up about my true feelings of whatever, can come across as negative, understandably as nobody knows me.  I did not take offence either. 

MDD along with other stuff that I just get tired of thinking about, can leave footprints of negativity from the words written. 

Your poetry always leaves me feeling emotional. 

I am so very pleased for you that you found your inner strength and crawled out of the sand to remain the man you are.

You have never come across to me as a person who thinks that they are better than others. I sense that you genuinely care and have far more gifts than you give yourself credit.

Please do not try to be someone you think others expect that you should be (part might come from such struggles and poor treatment growing up)

Please be you, because you have much to offer those who are lost and do not know where to start.

I felt so lost and unheard when I first landed. Many people might be reading but for their own reason do not leave their footprints.  Not ready to use their own voice.

Yes, you help many.  You are a champion, remember?   Take care and thank you   Ems26

[smallwolf]

Ems,

You said...

Perhaps a new subject for a new thread?

What do you think small wolf and Tony Wk?

My reply is "why not?!?"

Send me a link to it and I will visit you there... We all have own ways to deal with these things and what works from one may or may not work for another. But you have to try to find out.

[white knight]

Yes EMS I agree why not?

I'll leave that to you to start in the topic theme.

TonyWK

[Emotions26]

Good morning smallwolf and white knight,

Thank you for the encouragement re "why not"

I did some researching and found a thread that I had posted on a few times by quirkywords. Had forgotten about this when made my suggestion. 

I think that there are enough floating around without my adding any more.

Ems

[smallwolf]

Perhaps you could tell me what the thread is and revive it?