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Reflection on the death of Dad

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

 

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

 

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

 

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

 

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

 

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

93 Replies 93

Thank you for the offer to help smallwolf,

 

I revisited the thread that I was looking for and noticed that the last post was written by me anyway.

So perhaps my style of thinking did not help that thread as there were no responses after mine.

I am aware that this can happen. I do not fit with everybody. Who does?

 

I did watch Maharaji referred by Tony WK on a new thread in this grief section. Sorry cannot remember titles. There are so many aren't there. I must remember to click follow post.

I watched the you tube presentation listed by Tony and well yes "so profound".

 

I have read some of words and life of Maharaji in the past. Yes I forgot about him.  I will blame grief on that.

Why not? I think it has a lot to answer for with what it puts us through.

 

I then went off in all different tangents watching other presentations and felt not only moved, but oh yes I forgot about that!

Short answer (sorry impossible for me to be brief!)

I found 

"The road less noisy".

This fits well with my pondering about    we could come up with a brilliant manual of instructions on how to shut the inner noise once and for all.

 

In a nutshell, you both helped me by responding to me and then by my being inspired to go searching for more knowledge which always thrills me and lifts my mood momentarily.

 

Hope that your grief; whatever it is doing at the moment, is behaving and allowing you some time for you.

 

Thank you

Take care

Ems

Hi Ems.

 

Just thinking out loud based off your post... my grief... I think I might have dealt with much of that in he recent years and not at what was happening to Dad (or perhaps a little of that) but more about how his behaviours effected me. That is, the wishing for something different, acceptance I could not change anything, anger etc.

 

And despite my wanting to turn 180 degrees from the way he did things, there are parts of him that are part of me - the perfectionist (work in progress), the workaholic, and so on. The caring part from my mother's side. 

 

As horrid as this might sound, the silence came with his passing.

 

In some respects we became closer as he was going downhill. In some ways he was more open about things. And this probably helped me to understand why he was the way he was. At least this is my interpretation. I was also studying theology and he wanted to read some of my assignments. He said to mum at least that he learnt some things from what I wrote. I would get that details from my mum (before he died). 

 

I exist and treat other only how I want(ed) to be treated... nothing more than that.

Hi Smallwolf

 

I picked up on " I think I might have dealt with much of that in he recent years and not at what was happening to Dad..."  My mother in law was a lovely lady. She suffered with Parkinsons for 9 years before her passing. She was always close to her daughter my wife. I always believed my wife would be shattered for a long time when her mum passed. Not so, she revealed things to a therapist and he said "you arent grieving because you've been doing that for 9 years". 

 

Your dad reading your assignments is gold. 

 

TonyWK

It was different for Dad to read them. I didn't know what to expect. 

 

In hindsight... it probably was/is gold. (I did not think of it that way.)

 

Not sure what to think now.