Reflection on the death of Dad

[smallwolf]

My father passed away last Wednesday after a short battle with Parkinson’s disease. He was only in palliative care for less than a week before he died, having moved into an aged care facility just two months prior. His health deteriorated rapidly those last few days, and I said my goodbye on the Saturday before his passing. I even have a picture from this time.

Grief is complex and personal, touching each of us differently. The famous stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – were originally applied to those facing their own mortality, not grieving loved ones. Somehow that changed over time, and we now use those stages to understand mourning too. But it’s not so simple or linear. People oscillate between emotions, sometimes feeling several at once.

For me, there is acceptance of my father’s passing, mixed with relief his suffering is over. But there is no anger or depression yet, though it may come. Our relationship was complicated. He was not one for heartfelt talks or confiding emotions. We had little in common, divergent worldviews and interests. He was not my closest confidant; we struggled connecting on a deeper level.

Does that make him a bad father? No, just a product of his generation and life experiences. But it leaves me unsure how to feel about his loss. There is sadness, yes, but also distance. I mourn the relationship we could have had as much as the one we did.

Still, his passing has affected me in unexpected ways. My sleep is disrupted, concentration wavering. I feel foggy, prone to mistakes and forgetfulness. These are only visible in action and behaviour. Minor frustrations set me off. And apologies to those concerned. This hypersensitivity and emotional deregulation catches me off guard.

Grief manifests itself in the body and mind, even when the heart feels conflicted. The loss of a parent, however imperfect, shakes us at a core level. Right now, I have the feeling of a lump in my throat. It represents the loss of our youth, of the version of ourselves who still had a father. It is perhaps a reminder of our own mortality. Our bodies rebel against these existential threats through sleeplessness, agitation, and lapses in focus. And apologies to those concerned.

[Emotions26]

Hello TonyWK

Sorry re late response I have been very unwell with symptoms of prolonged grief that I just have to let happen.

I have had no energy to read and or write to anyone.  Time for self.

The funeral that I wrote about triggered my loss of my mum. Both mum and my friend had advanced stages of dementia and alzheimers and were unrecognizable. Having stayed with my mum supporting her through the palliative care ending was draining though beautiful. I felt great sorrow that I was unable to visit my friend as she was not receiving visitors within a locked facility. I am still coming to terms with that as it is reality.

Attending the burial was important for me as I was able to see where she was placed. I personally do not believe in goodbye.  For me this will make it easier for when I visit with flowers. We shared a common love for gardening and nature. Her husband also did not receive support from family and I listened as he asked me whether she would have been happy with the ceremony.

Then a week ago I heard distressing news that a young friend whom I had helped get some support for his younger brother, had lost his brother the week before. This was devastating as that young person did not receive the level and quality of support that any human has a right to.

I have found the griefline extremely helpful when experiencing moments of feeling overwhelmed.

I am sorry for your own loss and thank you for writing about this as a way to show me that I am not alone in experiencing trauma at a funeral.

You described a very interesting response of "expect the unexpected".

I have not heard of this before and was unaware that it is "a known" amongst prisoners. Certainly makes sense to me and reminds me of the princple of the individual's amygdala. Perhaps they are connecting with this part of their brains.

Yes I am working on making myself a priority and witnessing reactions of others. They need themselves, to notice their own reactions and body language.

Life!

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello Smallwolf

Sending you kind thoughts as you journey through this period of your life, sharing moments with your son.

Ems

[smallwolf]

Hi,

On Easter Sunday we went to Mum's place and put 1/2 of Dad's ashes into the garden  - more specifically in the ground where a new mulberry tree was planted. Dad loved planted that produced something, and mulberries were a family favourite. We all got to put some of the ashes into the ground. After that we had lunch together. 

[quirkywords]

In my family we have a tradition of planting trees in memory of those who have died.

i too like mulberry trees I Ike herbs and edible plants. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Smallwolf

Putting some of your dad's ashes in the garden where you planting a tree, a lovely mulberry tree ... beautiful.

I've been reading over some of the comments from members such as White Knight, Ems, Quirky & others, & it's been very emotional for me.

I wanted to say, I felt some very intense feelings of loss & grief when Mekitty died. I think that was because my relationship with her was in the present. I"d expected this relationship with my cat would be ongoing for several years more when she died. Then, so unexpectely, I'd had the feeling she had been ripped away from me.

She is still in my heart, & will always be.

My relationship with Mekitty was not the complex, complicated & dysfunctional relationship I'd had with the friend of my teenage years.

When I learned of her death, we'd been apart (her choice), for many years. It was still a very painful loss, primarily because of how I found out, & that I had to come to terms that our relationship would now never be reconciled or repaired.

Then I lose my father, who had hurt me so much with his insensitivity about when & how my friend had died - that was the last time I'd let him hurt me. So when he died, I felt nothing. As my PDr had suggested, I felt nothing because I had grieved the loss of having a father long before.

Then, my mother, who I don't even remember. What relationship had I with her? I was sad because, when the chance to reunite, rekindle, or create any relationship with her came my way, I had been unable to cope with the very idea of trying, given conflicting information, recollections from others. I was overwhelmed. So, when she died, a part of me was relieved. I don't want to untangle my family history anymore, so now I don't have to. But it's sad, too - I cannot reconstruct missing memories. I will never know the woman she was - never without feeling I distrust whatever I learn.

The grief I feel with regards to my mother is not about losing her, but about what I never had during her life, & mine, being lost.

From my perspective, you, Wolfie, & others, have so much more to treasure.

Sorry, I didn't think I'd write like this when I began. This is truly a wonderful thread.

Hugzies everyone,

mmMekitty

[smallwolf]

Hi Kitty.

If I am grieving it is the loss of what never was - being able to have a real relationship where there was something more than the trivial. Perhaps our parents are victim to the way they were raised - it is, or becomes their normal. It is only when an alternative is presented that change can happen? 

I am also glad that you felt or were able to write that.

As you would probably know, I frequently reply, and (now) rarely (re-)start telling my stories (again). There are things here that I do not feel ready to tell family and I wanted to get it out. There were people at Church who were lamenting my loss that I was not feeling. And then to come and write, and find that others had similar experiences was refreshing (for me). Finally, it might enable others to share parts of their own stories that were locked away.

smallwolf (the eternal dreamer)

[Emotions26]

Hello all

I have stayed away from writing here as my thoughts have been too heavy.  I have struggled to express how I feel.

Grief has been all over the place. Random varieties of emotions without awareness of them being there and then tears falling or agitation stirring and much more.

I hope that there is some calm and room to breathe in your worlds.

Ems

[white knight]

Hi EMS

Being an empathetic with high sensitivity and emotions death of other people in my world has previously taxed me. Now being 68yo my concerns is towards my own mortality. So what has shifted?

Well instead of immersing myself in the sadness of the topic I focus on living each day to the max, with quality people, structured holidays and removal of toxic people. 

What started it was getting headache when upset. I decided I didn't like that so took a different  direction.

I don't know if that helps or not.

It's OK to cry if that's your choice

It's OK to count your tears as your cheeks be moist

As long as you count the flip of your dial

Equalise the tears with the number of smiles...

TonyWK 

[smallwolf]

hi Ems.

not sure what is gong on for you at present, but this is just as much your thread as mine. When I last spoke with with one of my psychs  I mentioned about a memory with dad and playing cricket and we spoke about how that made me feel. Skipping over the conversation and a lot more, one take out was this will happen and be able to ride the waves. So... for you, it sounds like varieties of emotions just hit you out of the blue, as they would say. I wished I could plan for it - I said. 

If it helps... please share what is on your mind here. For me, this thread was a place I could say things that I could not tell another. I know the people here care and support and understand. This is a place (or thread) where you are allowed to be vulnerable. Listening... 

[quirkywords]

SmallwolfThanks for your honesty and a place to share your grief and for others to express their feelings.

people often say time heals grief and it may not be as intense but it is always there. Over 29 years since mum died and nearly 17 years since dad died. Feelings do come out of the blue even after all these years. My dad and I were very similar and very close. I remember my parents expressions and I try to be the wonderful grandparents that my parents were to my children.