Partners twin brother passed away, he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts..

KD1234 · ‎03-07-2015

Hi all, this is the first time I have posted one here..

My partner is 24 and last year his twin brother tragically died in a motorbike accident. He is very good at covering up his feelings. He refuses to cry or show his pain around me. Although he does open up and cry around his mates it doesn't happen often.

I have tried multiple times to get him to seek some counselling as I can see it is affecting him. He drinks a lot and is very angry when drunk (he has never hurt me but always seems to pick fights). Last night while at the pub, he opened up to a girl who he went to primary school with and told her he plans to kill himself on his birthday which is in September.

Hes away this weekend on a 'boys weekend' so I haven't had the chance to talk to him about it, and he has no idea that I even know. I have spoken to his Aunty and Uncle who are helping me support him and we are trying to workout where to go from here. He refuses any sort of counselling and says he is fine.

We have a 13 month old son and it really hurts me that he thinks its fine to leave myself and our son in this world alone.. I suffer from mild depression myself..

Im also worried he may have bipolar as his mother does and his attitude is much like hers..

Thanks for reading. Sorry it's so long, any advice greatly appreciated..

Jacko777 · ‎05-07-2015

Hi KD1234,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I hope you get some advice here and I wonder if you are currently seeing a counsellor that you can talk to about this? You have been doing the right thing by trying to get your partner to seek help, let's hope with some professional advice you can find a new strategy that works. Remember you can call the Beyond Blue phone service, it's free and 24/7, they can help.

The connection between twins is powerful as you would know, it is obviously a terrible loss for your partner and all of you. I'm so glad you have his Aunty and Uncle helping, I guess you will talk to your partner about this when he returns. I have lost family members in the past and it helps me to live in a way that honors them, I keep them alive in my heart.

I'm not sure if he thinks it's fine to leave you alone, I think he is probably focused on the loss that he feels. Don't ever be sorry for how long your post is! We don't mind at all, you can talk any time and I hope you let us know how you go this week, if you feel like it.

Jack

geoff · ‎06-07-2015

dear KD, hello I am sorry I had replied to you but had not finished typing my passionate reply to you, which does really annoy me, because I don't know what happened, but it's all gone, so I do hope that I can repeat what I had said.

I am a twin, a fraternal twin and I could never believe why my twin could possibly pass away, and thank god he is safe and sound.

There were times in the pass that he could have been left by himself as I tried several times to end my life, but thankfully I am safe and well, but the devastation if this ever happened would be enormous.

We have become closer, not that we weren't, but much more closer, even though we have different interests, but if I can say that I tend to breakdown in tears much more than he does, as I would cry at the drop of a hat, but this doesn't mean that he or myself are more mature than the other, perhaps by having depression has caused me to be like this.

Your partner's birthday is a few weeks away, but I don't believe that anything could appease him until this day passes, however by talking to a professional who deals with grieve counselling would be a good idea, but I know what you have said that he doesn't want any at the moment, although when anyone says that 'they are fine' is a sure indication that he is suffering, with 'fine' being the dominant word.

He may still hide his emotions, but I would believe that he will still drink alcohol, maybe more at this stage, because he's just trying to help himself cope with this absolutely devastating incident.

I realise it is going to be a difficult time for him, you and your son, but can I suggest that you go and see your doctor.

I know within these next weeks and definitely after their birthday he will drink more and show some anger before he crawls into his own world of sadness.

Your love for him will always be there, even though he may not seem to appreciate it.

I am so sorry firstly to hear of this, but secondly any second post is never as good as the first, and how much this has frustrated me to somehow lose the initial reply, but please I would love so dearly to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

trustlife · ‎10-07-2015

Hi KD1234,

A couple of points resonate in your post. I deal with the tragedy of death every day as a funeral celebrant and it never ever gets easier for the families. We lost our little boy a few years ago and the way you have described your partners reaction to his brothers death if pretty similar to my own reactions. I also lost my own brother who was suddenly taken by a wave while walking along a sea promenade.

First and foremost you need a strategy to get him to professional help. Even if you stress it's help for you and ask him to accompany you. In a way you have to act it up and stress you need his support for the sake of your son etc.

Next, this throw away line to an ex school friend is another cry for help. He also knows it will get back to you. I wouldn't fuel the fire yet by discussing it with him as at present you may not get too far. Try to break his routine from drink by instigating a family affair with the 3 of you. This will give him a bit of healing space and will direct him into a better position for you to play your counselling card. Is there any friend of his who you could trust to work with to get him to move into a positive frame of mind? It sounds like he might listen more to them at the moment

MindfulStep · ‎10-07-2015

I'm sorry to hear this - I am a twin and it is like losing part of yourself. I lost my brother to untreated mental illness - I probably will never see him again and it is excuriatingly painful. It is a bond that is so so deep...who else was born the same time as you and went through the same experiences, at the same ages. It is a rare bond.

It is hard not to personalise his wish to kill himself. And I'd say you must be feeling sad he didn't come to you - but he probably is trying to protect you and your child as he knows you will be hurt.

I'm so glad you have family to help you and I'd assume that at this stage you are working on getting him help ASAP. Don't make him wrong for how he reached out - just focus on getting help.

Ring Lifeline or Beyond Blue - I highly recommend these help lines for times of crisis.

MindfulStep · ‎10-07-2015

Hi Geoff,

I am a twin and yes it is a very intense bond. Unfortunately for my brother and I we experienced the same trauma and we chose to deal with it differently, but the sad fact is my brother chooses domestic violence and I had to remove myself, as did his wife and his children.

It is tragic but my family are useless - they are the abusers so it is a system that unless my brother gets help I have to live with the fact I will never see him again.

I also have borderline personality and PTSD so I've also acted on him - the only thing that could help us is counselling together but he has put a woman and a man in hospital and I'm a bit scared of him -I was his punching bag from a a young age.

I don't blame him, I blame the abuse and neglect - but it is still terrible. It is a grief I'll never really get over.

geoff · ‎11-07-2015

dear Mindfulstep, great for you to join this comment, as it is a bond that we the two of us had in Mum's womb for 9 months together, and to actually know what happen in these months being so close, the mind boggles, and how I would love to know.

It must be so sad to hear about your brother and we always ask the questions 'how could this ever happen', so you must feel upset by his behaviour.

I often wonder why we are so close but are capable of doing different hobbies, work etc., as he is not capable of using his hands in work around the house while I am and had my own business as a handyman/builder, but he has ESP with me, but it's not reciprocating, such as he knew that there was something wrong with me after I was assaulted and automatically hopped into his car to come and see me, about 1 1/2 hrs away.

I can understand you by having PTSD from what you have said, and this can't be overcome while it's still happening and you know that it is, and your comment ' It is a grief I'll never really get over', sums it all up.

I am sorry for what has happened but would like to keep in contact with this post. Geoff.

MindfulStep · ‎11-07-2015

Thanks Geoff. I don't want to highjack someone's thread but do plan to write a post on my grief about twin brother as I might get some answers.

.

Kennaugh8 · ‎12-07-2015

Hi KD1234,

I understand that you have had a great deal of difficulty trying to get your partner to talk about his feelings and how he is coping but until he is able to open up, the issue won't go away and may potentially get worse. As other posts have mentioned, seeking professional help is going to be of great help so instead of suggesting he gets help, maybe propose that the family go together. After his brothers death, he most likely experienced strong feelings of loneliness, emptiness and isolation. To help these feelings, try organising as many activities for the whole family to do whether it be based around a meal or something as small as a game. Not only can this help take his mind off his negative thoughts but it reinforces the good things in his life (his family).

You mentioned that he sometimes opens up to his friends. It may be worth talking to some of his friends and seeing if they can persuade him to seek professional help. The more people that he has around him and supporting him, the better. Until he is ready to open up to you, his friends are definitely a good option for help.

Talking with his uncle and aunty is a positive step as it is just as important for you to have an outlet when things become difficult or hard to handle.

Some things that he says may upset you but I think many of his thoughts and words are clouded by his feelings and can be misinterpreted as not caring. At this stage, I would also suggest that you don't bring up your concerns about bipolar as this may only exacerbate the problem.

Continue as best you can to support him and seek help or time out for yourself whenever you need it. You will always have someone to listen here.

Chris

geoff · ‎13-07-2015

dear Chris, hi and thanks for joining the conversation.There's no doubt that getting him to join up with any family gatherings, lunch, dinner or park outings where all the kids can play is certainly a good idea, however if and when he is depressed he will try and avoid all of this, but if he does join in then this will distract his mind from wandering, but the concern is when is gets home and has time to himself, but this is always the main problem with depression. Geoff.