Overwhelmed with grief and pressure

[Ellmo]

Hi, I'm a newbie.

In a nutshell, I work full-time, study part-time at uni (on campus 1 day + online) and a bit over 2 weeks ago my mother-in-law died suddenly at 52.

She had been battling cancer for just over 18 months and was recently told to stop treatment. She was given 6 months to live, 6 weeks ago. She went on the holiday she'd been planning for ages, had emergency surgery whilst away and was finally 'well' enough to travel home. We thought she was recovering and back with us until Christmastime. A dislodged blood clot suddenly took her life whilst in hospital. She never made it home. We buried her a week ago.

Prior to this I was already 'down';trapped and overwhelmed with the pressures of juggling work and school, as well as on-going family issues.

I went to the Drs today to get more time off work and she suggested putting me on a Mental Health Plan. This has helped somewhat in the past (I intermittently suffer from anxiety and they were at an all-time high around my wedding 2 years ago), but I just feel like it'll be the same thing: relaxation, breathing techniques, medication discussion (which I am resistant of).

I was reminded of this site when I googled 'I can't stop crying', as that is the kind of day I've had. I have assignments due tomorrow (which I've already had an extension for), but I simply cannot organise my thoughts right now. I feel numb outside, but my heart is physically hurting inside and I feel alone. I feel guilty, weak, stupid and confused at the intensity of my emotions.

What about my husband? He cannot deal with seeing emotions, especially me crying as I am the 'strong type'. He becomes miffed and walks away. His way of dealing with his mother's death is to seclude himself in the shed, whilst 'getting on with it'. He is also planning a week away to see (our) friends, without me. All of this I know he needs to do- and it's his way of grieving, but I can't help but feel unsupported by him- then I feel guilty for those thoughts, guilty for taking our mother's death so hard- afterall, she wasn't MY mum, yet I feel her loss has magnified the 'down' feelings I was already having.
I feel like I cannot turn to friends as grief makes people uncomfortable and although people say 'I'm there for you', it's really a token.

I guess I will see what the psych says. In the meantime I feel sick about how far behind I am at uni- not just with assignments, but school work also. If I cannot do my best I don't want to do it.

[Snoman]

Hi Ellmo,

Glad you came to the BB forums.  They are a great place to vent and to get support from people with similar experiences.

My mother had been battling cancer for 5 years.  After 2 brain tumours being taken out, she was no longer will or able to have another removed.  She was just starting chemo and was given 6 months.  She only had 4 weeks, so it came as shock, but also we had been preparing for the inevitable for many years.  She passed away just after Easter, almost exactly 2 years after losing my dad to a stroke and prolonged health issues.

In all this time, I was the strong one.  I was there to support my mum and my sisters.  I don't think I processed my dad's death too well before I my depression became un-hideable at the end of last year.

I understand your reluctance towards therapy.  I was the same.  I did it mainly to make my wife happy.  I was expecting to only go to a couple of sessions and then throw it in as being pointless.  I have done all 10 sessions entitled under my mental health plan and am happy to go to one more session to "wrap up".  Who would have thought?

My wife's friends are counsellors and they all recommended I see someone who practices ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy).  I was interested because I have had exposure to mindfulness and living in the moment which underpins ACT.  It worked great for me.

I don't want to come across as someone who pushes ACT on others, but perhaps you could consider a therapist who does a non-traditional approach?  Once that doesn't focus on the same techniques you have had before?

Let us know how you are going

Sno

P.S.

Given you have so much on at the moment, I will describe one of the techniques I was shown that helps me a lot.

Think of the emotion your are currently experiencing (positive or negative).  Try to feel where in your body you are experiencing the emotion.  This is often in your chest, stomach or shoulders. Mentally draw a line along its edges.  Spend a few seconds observing the emotion you are experiencing.  Don't try to shake it or make it go away. Just observe.  Then breathe 3 or 4 breaths "into" that part of you.  Let that feeling be.  Don't try to get rid of it.

Do this 4 times per day: when you wake up, but before you get out of bed; mid morning; mid afternoon; and when you hop into bed at nigh. It might help to close your eyes when you do it.  I also kept a log of feelings and locations.

[Jacko777]

Gday Ellmo, how are you going? Horrible turn of events for you mate and i hope things are getting better. I guess your husband has to grieve in his own way but please don't feel guilt for how you grieve, give your self time out to be sad and some time out to be happy. If your friends say they are there for you, try them out, talking will help. As you know, with time the pain will pass. Sending Love