Needing a lift today

[Doolhof]

It seems this morning is one of those where I feel like I just don't want to do anything much more than go to bed and cry! It is one of those days that if my Doctor was here, he would ask me what has caused this to happen, and I would answer "It is because I woke up!" I am sure a lot of you have had days like this.

To be honest, there are probably lots of thoughts and emotions that have added to this feeling of loneliness, sadness, depression and that life is too difficult sometimes. My husband and I are not getting on all that well at present. That is ongoing and something I need to deal with each day and accept the good times as they come along.

August 19th is going to be the 21st Anniversary of our stillborn son's birth and death. I would love to be able to celebrate that day with my husband, but he has never mentioned our son's name and doesn't like to talk of his existence, or our other stillborn children. I have to accept that as well, just as he accepts how I feel about our children.

A guy who I have loved for ever is married to someone else and I am often jealous of the posts his wife sends on Facebook. I am still great friends with this guy,  I like his wife and try to think of my friend as a big brother, sometimes I just wish  it was me married to him instead of her. I messed up and missed out on that opportunity. Or maybe if we had been in a relationship it might not have lasted and I would have missed out on his friendship over all these years.

Sometimes I feel so very lonely and depressed living with a man who no longer desires any physical contact of any sort, who seems to enjoy the company of email friends and chats with his mates on the phone more than he does his wife. Even the cat gets to sit next to him on the couch. At least the chooks don't complain too much when I give them a cuddle! Sometimes they poop on me, but at least they are sharing! Ha. Ha.

I feel a little better now. Thankfully I have some casual work today so that will get me out of the house and I have made a list of little jobs to do later when I get home, so if I manage to do a few of those things I will have achieved something today.

Usually I do my crying on the inside, maybe today I will let the tears run free.

[TheSteve]

Hi Dool,

Thanks for sharing. There is a good thread going on morning anxiety and what to think of this/how to handle it. See: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/online-forums/anxiety/morning-anxiety-help-please!

Perhaps some advice there for you, too.

I'm really sorry about your experience with a stillborn child. It breaks my heart to hear it from you, and I don't even know you. When you are a parent, the pain of seeing your child merely hurt is harsh. Losing a child must be absolutely devastating. Clearly it has had an effect on your relationship with your husband. Really, it would have an impact on any couple.

There are ways to work on your marriage, but it does take 2 people to do so. First, you may really want to consider marriage counseling. This can be a great "release valve" for you both, and start the process of mutual healing (as individuals and as a couple).

Second, you need to understand that at this VERY moment, your life could never have been different than it is right now. All paths lead here. We all experience regrets, the feelings of "what if", and imagine greener pastures in a different life. It's all crap. We make the choices we do at the time, with the information we have at hand, following our feelings and thoughts and judgements and impulses, and we proceed in life. You, me, everyone else. Like choosing between Coke and Pepsi - we still get cola! The illusion of choice!

Stop beating yourself up. You can't salvage a life by imagining it being different than it is. Accept it. Surrender to it. From this point on, relax fully in what and where you are. Now, start living from here. Slowly become aware, become mindful, and monitor your impulses. See how your decisions are made. Don't judge them, just monitor the subtleties of the process that creates actions and reactions. I promise, you will not look at life the same any more.

I wish you well Dool, come back and chat anytime.

Steve

[geoff]

dear Dool, I know that you have replied to other posts, but that's beside the point here as you are hurting inside, and that's why you want to talk to us.

How can I say how sorry I am for the loss of your son, but when this unfortunately occurs there are different feelings or memories for either the mum and the dad, some want to forget about it, but it's normally the mum who can feel the worst, because 9 months in pregnancy is a long hopeful expectation of what sex the baby is, and feeling the baby kicking away, so when this happens it's so disappointing and you feel as though you have maybe failed, but you haven't, because natural takes it's course, but when it happens it hurts like hell.

It is so difficult to love someone that you can't have, and to see what their lives are going through and what their wives are saying , because sometimes a lost love doesn't necessarily work out as you would think it would, but that's beside the point as you loved this chap and just wish that you were married to him, whether or not 'you messed up' it still doesn't help you overcome these feelings.

I wonder whether you have said anything to your husband that may portray how you feel, so this has affected your physical relationship with him, because he may know how you feel, but even so if he really wanted you then he would be doing anything to show his love for you.

There are a few points that I have raised which in no way was to upset you, but I would certainly love to hear back from you, and please tell me off if you want to, because it's only thinking aloud. L Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Dear Steve,

   Goodaye and thanks for your post. My day improved as the hours passed. I enjoyed the sunshine, the scenery as I was driving to work, and had a chat with my husband over dinner. We have tried the councillor bit before, my husband is a very private man and doesn't like to share emotionally with anyone really. I need to accept that is the way he is, I can not change him, I can work on myself and how I react to what I feel is his lack of attention to my emotional and physical needs.

   Yer, I know that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence, it just looks that way. I also know that "What ifs" are not at all helpful, unless I look at those missed opportunities and see how I can use those situations as a reflection on how I can improve things for myself and others now.

   Thanks for the site you suggested I look at, I will take a look at it shortly. I also thank you for your advice about trying to get on with life right here and right now. A bit like a saying I once saw "Bloom where you are planted".

   Loosing a child can be devastating, and yes it has affected our relationship over the years, but if I consider that for a moment I think we are doing really well in that respect. So there is a bonus hey! Neither of us blame the other for what has happened, we have just had to accept it for how it was and try to move on.

   This morning was just a very unpleasant one, I am thankful all of my days don't start that way. Guess I was looking for a bit of TLC and understanding. Thanks for your reply Steve. All the best to you,

  From Dool. I will have to think of an acronym for Dool! Bye.

[Doolhof]

Dear Geoff,

   Thanks for your message too. It is always great to get a different angle on a problem or a concern, to receive advice and understanding from people going through their own issues.

   I do realise women and men think differently about many things, and that as we women are the ones who carry the babies, we have a much deeper concept of the pregnancy and  everything related to it. This morning I was lamenting the fact I could not share my thoughts with my husband, as I know that he does not like to talk about our deceased children at all. I respect that, it is his way of coping with the situation, I deal with it differently. I find that writing and talking about our babies helps to ease the pain for me.

   Thanks for understanding that a sense of being in love, with a person you can not be with as they are married to someone else, is still love. I do need to find a way to overcome these feelings and channel them into something that is more acceptable, and will not cause me as much pain as that love does now. 

   In all honesty, as I think upon it now, maybe I am in love with the idea of being so in love! Does that make sense! It is starting to sound reasonable to me. I need to accept myself more for who I am and count all of my blessings. I also need to concentrate on the good things I have in my relationship with my husband and not look for what we don't have any more for one reason or another.

   Some days I try really hard to work on our relationship and to make it better, maybe I just expect too much!

   Thanks for the chat Geoff, it has helped a lot.

   Cheerio for now, from Dool.