Depressed (i think?) post stillbirth of my son

Samantha3142 · ‎12-08-2014

Hi, My name is Samantha. On Valentines Day this year I went to hospital when 5 months pregnant with my first baby.Things went terribly wrong whilst I was in the hospital..they didn't recognise that I was in labour and after 12 hours I delivered my son alone in the toilet (they had sent my partner home 30 mins earlier). After a couple of days I went home. I was very unwell and taken by ambulance to a different hospital where they discovered that placenta had been left behind which had caused me to become gravely ill. I had emergency surgery and spent over a week in ICU and further time in the ward. I spent about a month off work, recovering physically.My relationship with my partner was strained going into the pregnancy. Now, we are mess..we fight all time, he's moved out and back in a few times in the past few months alone. I have gained weight..I weigh more now than I ever have - even more than when I was pregnant and im generally unhappy.We've had no counselling as the original hospital were calling to offer their services (which I wouldn't take!) when I was in the other hospital fighting for my life.I met with the hospital once...they said lots of sorry..but couldn't explain anything further about why this had happened to me or what has been done to ensure this never happens again. They also agreed on some follow-up actions but never followed through.In the past few months I've contacted approx 15 lawyers to see if anyone will help me fight for my son? Everytime I hear the same story...what happened to me was tragic & terribly wrong, however under the eyes of the law the loss of my son does not count.I've lodged a complaint with the Office of the Health Commissioner. After almost 3 months, the Health Commissioner is still waiting to receive the report from the hospital. I cried a lot when they told me that last week.I guess you could say I have a lot of anger still. I am angry that I don't have my son. I am angry that noone seems to care apart from me. I am angry that I have to keep fighting for anything and that noone will listen! I am angry about the toll this has taken on me, my partner, may family. I don't sleep very well anymore and am tired as a result. I am very emotional all the time.Ive been to the gp and told him this. He gave me a referral to get some counselling. I lodged that with the hospital a month ago and recently followed up only to find that somehow the referral had gone missing so I've asked it to be resent again.

AGrace · ‎12-08-2014

Hi Samantha,

Welcome, and thank you for sharing your story. I am truly sorry for your loss, and for the heartbreaking circumstances that you have had to endure.

I'm hoping in time you will find the comfort that your son would wish for you. Losing a child at any age is an absolute tragedy. You certainly have our support here.

I can completely understand the anger, having experienced loss myself, I know all too well what this phase of the grieving process is like. I know you want to seek justice for what happened to your son, I just wanted to ask if there is a time limit on this?

I wonder whether, as difficult as it sounds, you need to focus on you first? I'm thinking that the processes that you are going through might be keeping you trapped in this anger phase, and therefore not letting you experience the entire grieving process. Sadly, in order to heal you need to go through all the steps.

Having some counselling will hopefully help, do you have to go through the hospital? Or could you just get a mental health plan from your GP and go to a Psychologist who specialises in this field? I'm guessing that waiting for treatment is probably not helping.

Once you have worked on you then you can focus on rebuilding your relationship. It might also be worthwhile for your partner to get some therapy - it could even be something you do together. No doubt the anger is detrimental to your communication with one another. How does your partner feel about what has happened to you both?

Once you are both stronger perhaps then you can focus on the legalities of your situation. When your son was alive all he wished for was a mummy and daddy that loved one another and loved him. I'm sure that's exactly what he would still want now.

I know it's really difficult to let go, and perhaps the proceedings feel like they are letting you hold on, but in time I think you will realise that what's most important is you, your husband, and the opportunity to celebrate the little life that your baby had.

There are no words that will take away your pain, only time will heal the gaping hole in your heart. I hope though that you will continue to post here so that you feel supported by so many people who really do care.

AGrace