My only child committed suicide on 12 November 2024

[Guest_34179805]

I am so lost I do not know what to do, our only child Ash committed suicide on November 12th 2024.  We knew he suffered with his mental health for many years but his wife was always able to bring him back from the darkness.  He  had so many things go wrong for both of them over the last 3 years, from losing a baby and being told they could never carry another one, losing their beloved dog of 14 years, serious accidents landing both in hospital at different times, financial worries.  Both my husband & I tried our best to help but for the last 18 months he started to distance himself from us and his friends we kept trying to make contact asking if we could pop in and see them, we felt not loved at the time, I wish they would have both reached out to us for help, but Ash & his wife were very private people and kept it all to themselves.  Its only after his death that his wife told us he had started hearing voices in his head and had stopped taking his medication (we always told him we would pay for his medicataion if he was short of money) he had a good job and loved his work mates who all told us at the funeral that he never said nor displayed any issues, he kept it well hidden.  I miss my boy so much it hurts to carry on every day.  I have taken time off of work until the end of Jan 2025.  My husband has gone back to work he said he feels better for it.  I dont have any family here in Australia, although my sister came out from the UK for the funeral she has now gone home.  This is my first day on my own since it happened, im so lost and lonely.  Is there another mum on this site that has gone through the same with an only child that I can talk with?

[indigo22]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss I can only imagine how you are feeling so soon after such a huge loss.

I have no children myself, however, I did witness the effect that losing a child had on my parents many years ago so I understand from that point of view. I know there is nothing I can say to lessen your pain and anguish.

I would like to talk from the perspective of someone who has been suicidal in the past. Please understand that to get to the stage of wanting to take your own life, the pain and despair you feel are all consuming. He would not have distanced himself due to a lack of love, it would have been because there was no space left for anything else. When you are in that mind set, it seems the only way out of an unbearable situation. So I hope you can remind yourself of these words if/when you start to feel there was something you could have or should have done. It was beyond your control, please know that.

Besides posting here for support, I am aware of a non profit online group called 'Helping Parents Heal' founded by a mum who lost a son. Virtually all members have lost children in one way or another so I thought I would mention it as another resource for you.

Please take good care of yourself, you may not believe it right now, but your intense grief will start to become a little lighter with time.

indigo💜

[white knight]

Hi, welcome, I'm glad Indigo has posted.

I hope I can help. Relevance? I'm 68yo, tried to end my life prior to my 1st marriage split in 1996, lost my older brother by suicide, he was 26yo, lost my uncle 82yo by the same way. My wife's nephew last year he was 26yo, 2 toddlers...I'm bipolar2, under the autism spectrum high functioning, dysthymia, depression etc. I feel I can relate but not as directly.

Your grief is very early and raw, in some ways I have a lot to say that would be relevant to someone 1-2 years down that track so I'll try to make my views relevant to now.

With my brother, a teacher, a type 1 diabetic and we had no idea we all carried some sort of mental illness them days, even though you knew he struggled with his mental health we humans dont really know every thought others have, their perceptions and so on. For many reasons you and your husband have not had any bearing on your sons choice and my mother felt she was to blame, no, as intolerable with her as I am (estranged for 13 years now) she was not to blame. In fact- nobody is to blame. His last 3 years was simply too much to bare. I also think, as you both were willing to pay for his medication- its likely he wanted to stop it as a desperate measure as they might not have worked for him. Again not your fault. My wife's nephew kept it to himself also, not a sign. 

A perspective- There are more suicides in Australia than the national road toll. 4 out of 5 are men. Beyondblue and all other similar organisations are well aware of this and we try hard to suppress the numbers with BB's services, this forum is one such service. 

Some members here reply for years, others just once, so we are open 24/7/365 so if you feel like it, post and wait for one of use to answer.

What I do know is that you were an amazing mother that is going through hell at the moment. Perhaps plant a rose garden or one rose in his memory, prune it carefully while you think of him. Write something or poetry?

HE COULDN'T HAVE WISHED

We enter the stage of life where cracks appear in the floor

With all the love we receive those cracks we cant ignore

And if your son was to see you now he'd say sorry for his fall

 But for him that was his escape - those cracks in the floor

But he knew your love was plentiful and your warmth unique

You cared for him daily since pitter patter feet

What you couldnt stop in the end and its what he had in store

Was to leave the stage- by the crack in the floor

But alas you have so much love that still abounds

And there is avenues to spread it, to anyone around

Your memories can never be erased - cherish and adorn

For he was a beautiful gift from the moment he was born

Check your shadow daily when the sun does shine

He might make an appearance to make sure you're just fine

Stare at the sky and double check the skies are blue

He knew- he couldnt have wished for a better mum than you...

TonyWK

[ABC01]

Hello,

I am sorry for your loss. I haven’t been in your exact position, but as someone going through deep grief and have been since May this year, I can empathise with the questions you have on a daily basis and not being able to get an answer to those questions. I can also empathise that celebratory dates are coming up on the calendar, and not feeling the joy for those dates that I have for previous years. And how hard they are going to be. The first ones are always the hardest and you don’t need to push yourself in anyway. You don’t need to be anything but what you are in the moment today.

I hope that if you don’t have family or friend support through this very new and raw times, that your GP maybe able to connect you to a psychologist through a Medicare Mental Health Plan. And that you can be kind to yourself too. Even if you knew everything, you still may not have been able to stop it from happening. Unfortunately no one may have. And that is the hardest part to come to terms with. But you don’t have to do that now. Grief has no timeline or, no right or wrong way to follow.

I am sending you the best,

ABC01

[Cheeso]

Oh honey - I am so very sorry for your loss. It must be soo hard. 
I am sure that so many people have said “he won’t be in any pain now” but that doesn’t help that pain that you’re suffering!!! I want you to know that I am truly thinking of you and praying for you. 
love and gentle cuddles to you xxoo

[just-a-Dad]

so many people will tell you they know it must be hard, they just want to help.

eventually they will tell you it gets easier with time ( Kida dose but will always hurt) 

obvious attempts to include you in the festive events are on the horizon. (it's because they care about you)

they won't want to leave you by yourself. (its called Love)

nobody will truly understand how you feel, unless they have outlived a child themselves.

its not the natural order of life.

your only Baby 😞 taken his own life.

take your time and cry as much as you need.

be alone when you want to but always reach out when it gets super tough.

eventualy you have to get back on your feet and be the best you can be, achieve something great in his honner.