Multiple Grief Feelings

[Dented]

I am looking for someone i can relate to as i feel alone, Oct 9 my Fiance of 10 years her remaining parent her mother died of cancer, She is in Jakarta and for obvious reasons i cant see her, Oct 14 my 84 year old father was admitted to Hospital with stage 4 heart and kidney failure, all medications have seized and his defib was turned off on the 17th of Nov, his prognosis is possible 2 to 4 months to live and he is at home now soon to receive care, My 80 yr old mother has terminal cancer she was given 1 year to live 2 years ago, and now her cancer has returned and we are awaiting what we can do for treatment, which i understand is highly unlikely. Even though i know there are many people that understand and have many worse issues than myself i do not know how to deal with so much sadness in such a short space of time. I am 47 a father and live with my adult son and have regular visits with my teenage son. I do my best to morally support my mum and dad and attend appointments, so what i am asking, how do i find a way to deal with, learn and possibly grow through watching 2 people you love slowly die in front of you at the same time. I do have many mental health services currently helping me but Any more advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Dented~

I cant find your post number 1 so I'll just welcome you here as if it is your first.

It really is no use sayng I'm sorry for your situation, it does not help. Actuality I found not much does -at least to start with. As you already have professional help I'll not try for advice or predictions, just try to share pain.

I have not gone through the circumstances you are in now, the only similarity being I watched a large part of me slowly pass away.

My wife was determined to live, the doctor had told us a year at best -with support. She spent the lat 9 months in hospital and I'd see her every day after work, then maybe ring when I'd been home.

We talked of ordinary things, everything from have the animals been fed to how our son -who lived away- was doing. TV programs and books. Had jokes. All the normal stuff.

She had her usual emotions and felt guilty not to be home with me and doing her regular duties. She felt a similar thing about her work -she was indefinite leave

I was there when she passed away and it was so hard to keep control, but I had the normal tasks to perform. At least they plus work kept me mostly busy and occupied. Then there was a period of loss so great it seemed almost unreal. Strangely Lifeline did not help but a freind of my wife's did, coming over and just talking when I rang.

Loss did not end but between having to deal with work and household there was a fragment of normality.

I started to notice pleasant things, first a wren, more birds, then books and freinds, ones who would have been happy to keep listening to me but we started to play a board game and that became a regular habit.

Your life is harder, as one parent gets worse you have the other to comfort. If they are up to it ask them how to do that.They may feel guilt or sadness at leaving you without them.

Can you talk to your fiancée in Jakarta? It will sometimes be very hard but is a point where life can go on, you both have the chance to comfort each other and plan.

It was an episode in my life, a huge part of it, now I can look back sometimes with sadness, sometimes with humor at the things we enjoyed. More life has happened since and while my greif is there it is coated with years of new events.

Croix

Occasionally we wold go int the serious stuff, treatment changes and so one, but only now and again. She slowly sank away and it was hard to pretend all would be well.