Lost my husband this year to cancer at 37 - have 2 y.o Son

[Widowed_Warrior]

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Bowel Cancer when our son Billy was only 10 months old. Steven passed away 7 months later in January this year. I thought that was the hardest 7 months of my life - covid lock-downs, Steve's chemotherapy journey, me raising our Son and not being able to leave the house because Steve was immune compromised - no kindy ...just me being carer for the both of them. I tell myself I would never have became a Mum if I knew I'd be doing this on my own, because it seems even harder now. I also now realise Billy is my saving grace. Where would I be without that responsibility? There's been many months at home...no one to talk to but the baby and my dog, I was going insane. I have great friends - but I'm not good at accepting or asking for help. I wanted to be alone. It is so, so hard with a toddler. He is in kindy now...but I suffer daily from anger and rage outbursts and can't control my emotions. I was on anti-depressants but they made it worse. I drink occasionally and think I 'deserve' to. I feel I don't have the support (we) deserve from Steve's Mum or my Mum. I know this is a hard age and everyone says it will get easier...some days I have zero energy. I just want to cry and go back to bed all day and I feel I'm not a good enough Mum because I don't have the energy.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Widowed Warrior,

Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like you’ve had an incredibly difficult time, and we can understand you’d be feeling rage, sadness and tiredness. Grief has no set pattern and everyone experiences grief differently. Experiencing all of this while parenting a young child sounds hugely demanding, so please know that you’ve come to a safe, non-judgmental and supportive space to talk about this.
 
Are you connected with any bereavement or mental health support currently? This is obviously an incredibly painful time, and it’s really important you and your family are supported through it. If you could use some more support, please have a look at the advice and directories on the Beyond Blue website here. We'd highly recommend talking to Griefline, on 1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEST every day). We’d also recommend looking up the Parentline number for your state or territory, as they’ll be able to work through some of the stressors of parenting a young child through this time with you.

Please know that you're not alone with this, you can call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place. Reaching out is so important for those moments when you don’t know what to do.

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. We can imagine some of your feelings about parenthood would be really difficult, given what you’ve been through, but please know that in sharing this here, and in getting through so much together with your child, you are showing incredible strength, resilience and love. We hope you can see how inspirational this is and feel some pride.

We're sorry to hear how things have been, and we want you to know that we're here for you. You never know how your story might help someone else, so do feel free to share more if you're comfortable to. Our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[smallwolf]

Wow. Your story moved me! All I can say is ..

we each respond differently to the death of a loved one and don't really know what it will be like until it happens. And your experience is natural for you and possibly made worse with lockdowns as well.

I hope what I will say is not upsetting... your husband lives in and through you child. And part your child is from his own parents and yours. You a truly deserving of care and support from them. I am sure they want you to know how important you are to them, your husband and child.

Can I ask you whether you are able to receive any professional help or not? Have you spoken with your GP about this?

I am guessing the lockdowns would also be preventing access to any support groups that might be in your area as well? Perhaps meetups via the zoom or similar might be possible - being able to speak with others in a similar position to you. When my wife had our children MANY years so, she was part of a mother's support group.

Or maybe write here each day and someone will respond. Please know I am listening to you.

[Learn to Fly]

Hello Widowed Warrior,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Your forum avatar couldn’t have been more appropriate. You are a true warrior and people like yourself help me to believe in people’s strength and willingness to push one more day further. This might not be apparent to you, being so extremely busy with your young child, and exhausted physically and mentally. So I am glad you decided to reach out here so hopefully we can bring those attributes of yours back to your vision and attention. You have come through and endured so much pain, challenges and pain again. You have been doing so much for your loved ones but it’s time now you started doing a bit more for yourself. I completely get everything you say about an energetic two year old. Been there, done that. This age kids can have days of two extremes and nothing in between. Either totally cute and adorable so you just want to hug them and kiss them and watch their every cute move or… a total terror: my two year old way or the highway (still operated by the two year old services…). And at the end of the day all the guilt hits you, if it happens that you loose your patience.
How would you feel about visiting your GP for a start? I know you mentioned you don’t feel comfortable asking and/or receiving help from your friends. Maybe “strangers” wouldn’t pose such dilemma to you? People who genuinely want to help you.

Let us know your thoughts.

Take care there.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Widowed Warrior

How are you there? Hope you are taking life one day at the time. Just thought I might say “Hi” and check how are you going. Thinking of you. Here to chat anytime.