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Grief and loss

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Clemorella My dog passed in October last year, and I still miss her.
  • replies: 6

It’s difficult in some ways mourning for the loss of an animal. I had a lot of people put their noses up at me when they found out how much I was spending trying to keep my dog alive. but they didn’t understand that she wasn’t just a dog. She was the... View more

It’s difficult in some ways mourning for the loss of an animal. I had a lot of people put their noses up at me when they found out how much I was spending trying to keep my dog alive. but they didn’t understand that she wasn’t just a dog. She was the love of my life. My twin flame. she was the very best part of me. It didn’t matter how crappy everything was, because I had her. so when she got sick, I spent a grand total of $32k on her vet bills before she passed in October last year. and I’m still grieving. I put myself into irrevocable debt. I’ve had to sign a debt agreement. Some weeks I can’t afford groceries. I have 0 savings and no prospects. and I just want my dog back.

BeKindRewind4Life I lost my mum
  • replies: 5

Hi, I just lost my mum to pneumonia, I feel so terrible and I blame myself, and I wish I could just tell her I didn't want her to die. It was at the end of last month, mum had been battling cancer since 2015, it had spread from her throat, to her lun... View more

Hi, I just lost my mum to pneumonia, I feel so terrible and I blame myself, and I wish I could just tell her I didn't want her to die. It was at the end of last month, mum had been battling cancer since 2015, it had spread from her throat, to her lungs, liver, shoulder, then back to her lungs. She had been in and out of hospital. I hadn't seen mum for a while, not because I didn't want to see her, but because she didn't want me travelling 3.5 hours by car when I had only just got my license, I got it late due to both financial reasons, and lack of help, paid for each of the 50 hours, once a month, and it took years. On the day I found out she was in hospital, there was a snow/landslide and I couldn't get to see her, the next day, I didn't go as I was told she was in for constipation, and I wanted the sun to be out as I was so worried driving as I didn't have any experience outside of the main street of my small town with hardly any traffic, people and no traffic lights. My car was overloaded when I went down as I was planning to fix everything for when she came home, but she never would. Instead I saw her for 30 minutes before she told me to go as it was getting dark, this was the first time I had seen her in 6 months as she kept saying not to come down and she was fine, I had uni, and there wasn't enough room to stay over, she said she would see me at the end of her operation, which was low risk. That night, we got a call, and I and my sister raced in, they pointed us to the room, and my mum was there, in pain, so they gave her some more morphine, she was saying how much she loved us, then went quiet. Her breathing got worse throughout the night and the Drs weren't doing anything apparently because of a care plan I didn't know about. In the morning a group of doctors came around looked at her and said they could drain her lungs but it would be too traumatic, and "you don't want to see your mum in more agony do you!" , my mum gripped my hand and raised it, I was in so much shock, words didn't come out my mouth, if I could have that moment back I would, but instead they left the room, and my sister cried and told my mum it was ok to leave. I feel so terribly guilty like I missed the moment to save her, even though I know it was impossible as her lungs were compressed, and tumours were on her airways, but just the thought that she wanted me to save her is tearing me apart every night.

Lisas4121 Sudden loss of my husband
  • replies: 11

Hi everyone, My husband died in a motorbike accident on Friday 2 houses up from ours. We have a 13yo daughter. I have amazing support from friends but I feel utter despair at times. I'm so scared to be on my own and bring our daughter up. How do I ev... View more

Hi everyone, My husband died in a motorbike accident on Friday 2 houses up from ours. We have a 13yo daughter. I have amazing support from friends but I feel utter despair at times. I'm so scared to be on my own and bring our daughter up. How do I ever get through this? I have a counsellor appointment tomorrow for myself and my daughter wanted to go back to school on Monday so that has been good for her. The funeral is this Friday a very small and quick service. Any advice and support is welcomed, Thank you, Lisa

KatLady1 I lost my mum this year
  • replies: 3

I lost my mum this year due to cancer. I am struggling with the fact I didnt get more time with her. I wasnt there when i should of been. I was too focused in my own issues to be there with family. how do i cope with that regret and guilt of not bein... View more

I lost my mum this year due to cancer. I am struggling with the fact I didnt get more time with her. I wasnt there when i should of been. I was too focused in my own issues to be there with family. how do i cope with that regret and guilt of not being there

Lockrobnkel Sudden death of mother and feeling of anger towards everyone
  • replies: 4

I'm at a loss here, my mother passed away in the uk at the age of 75 3 days ago and I think it's starting to hit me only now. I've become angry, irritable and distant - the only family I have here is my wife and I'm pushing her away and doing the sam... View more

I'm at a loss here, my mother passed away in the uk at the age of 75 3 days ago and I think it's starting to hit me only now. I've become angry, irritable and distant - the only family I have here is my wife and I'm pushing her away and doing the same to my brother and sister in the uk away, the messed up part is that I know I'm doing it but cant stop almost like I want to destroy everything. Feeling that if i push hard enough they will all leave me alone and they will be better off for it. I'm just rambling here as i don't know what to say or what to do, christ I haven't even shed a tear what is wrong with me, all I am is angry not even upset!!! I just want to stop being a dick and hurting the most important person to me but have no clue how to do this,

LoziLoz Grieving still after so many years 😢
  • replies: 10

Hi everyone. **first of all can I please respectfully ask for no negative comments or judgement as I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself anyway** Back in 2013 I was in a fairly stable relationship - but I think in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn... View more

Hi everyone. **first of all can I please respectfully ask for no negative comments or judgement as I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself anyway** Back in 2013 I was in a fairly stable relationship - but I think in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn’t right for me or for the future I wanted for myself. At this time my mother was in hospital and was gravely ill with golden staf - and three types of bacteria that were completely destroying her body. In the January I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant and my whole world came crashing down around me. My first thought was that I just couldn’t go through with it - especially with my mum knocking on deaths door. I just didn’t feel like I could bring in additional stress to my family at an already highly stressful and emotional time. It was the hardest decision and experience I’ve ever had to go through - because as long as I can remember all I have wanted is to be a mum. It was such a traumatic experience and one that I still have vivid memories of (protestors etc made it just so harrowing for me) My partner at the time was supportive and he went through it all with me but shortly after he moved out of his parents home and he just changed so much! He then began to resent me and blame me for everything that we had gone through together - and still all these years later I am beating myself up about it and finding it incredibly hard to move on. I have seen a psychologist many times over the last decade but I’m still not where I need to be - not even close. One of my close friends has been through a similar experience and recently pointed out to me that I clearly haven’t forgiven myself and I need to do so. I’m now in a relationship that I’ve been in for two years And I am desperately wanting to be a mother - but I am also so completely terrified of going down that road. A huge part of me is worried that the traumatic events from 2013 will come back with a vengeance and it will be an incredibly emotional experience. My current partner does not know of the decision I reluctantly had to make back then and I really don’t want him to know either. I guess I’m trying to reach out for words of support and wisdom and hopefully for people to share stories and may have been in a similar / relatable situation before. The guilt I still have is incredible and part of me still hates myself for doing what I felt I had to do. I’m still feeling broken

Istaysee Losing Parent - Covid Lockdown and No Visitors
  • replies: 6

Hi, My mum is nearing the end of her cancer journey. She was exposed to covid in a visit to the hospital and it landed my mum in an isolation room and dad alone at home for 14 days. There was an error at the hospital side and 1 day prior to her being... View more

Hi, My mum is nearing the end of her cancer journey. She was exposed to covid in a visit to the hospital and it landed my mum in an isolation room and dad alone at home for 14 days. There was an error at the hospital side and 1 day prior to her being released from the dreaded isolation room, she was reexposed due to hospital error. She will now likely die alone in that room. We are coordinating as hard as possible to get her some visitors or home. Nothing happens quickly and she is now palliative. We don’t know how long is left. I want to hear her voice on the phone but I can’t handle hearing her beg to see us and come home. It’s emotionally tearing her and me apart. I can’t process the idea of losing mum, let alone the horrible weeks she has had leaving up to it. She doesn’t have covid, the isolation is for precautionary measures. I feel guilty for sitting at home and doing nothing to help her. I feel so very sad and angry all at the same time. I feel helpless, it is so terrible, I can’t bear telling her that we can’t get in there. It makes me so sad. Does anyone have a similar experience? What can I do?

SmileySocks Struggling with my beautiful Cats death
  • replies: 6

So I lost my beloved cat over the weekend. It was a horrific, violent death and I'm struggling with the guilt over it. We're supposed to protect our pets as part of caring for them and I failed her big time! I already suffer from depression and debil... View more

So I lost my beloved cat over the weekend. It was a horrific, violent death and I'm struggling with the guilt over it. We're supposed to protect our pets as part of caring for them and I failed her big time! I already suffer from depression and debilitating anxiety so obviously her death has compounded it. I don't have a partner or any kids and my cat was my constant companion through most of my adult life. She helped me through some of the really dark times and for her death to be anything but peaceful is killing me. I will never make peace with her death but I need to find a way to honour her memory/life, not to get rid of my guilt but because it's the very least I owe her. I'm just really, really struggling and I can't get in to see my psychologist atm so I need to write what I'm feeling here, maybe it'll help me come up with an idea to honour her.

Guest_342 Disenfranchised grief
  • replies: 4

Has anyone here experienced disenfranchised grief (i.e. grief that is not widely recognised in society of being as worthy of grief as other things - e.g. loss of a pet, loss of a non-immediate relative, missing out on parenthood, death of an ex-partn... View more

Has anyone here experienced disenfranchised grief (i.e. grief that is not widely recognised in society of being as worthy of grief as other things - e.g. loss of a pet, loss of a non-immediate relative, missing out on parenthood, death of an ex-partner, etc) and do you have any tips on how to deal with it? Do you have thoughts as to why some of these things are not considered by society as noteworthy losses? I struggle with some of these things sometimes.

NoPlateZone Lost father 10 years ago and just started my own family
  • replies: 7

Hello, I don't know how to start so I guess the title should give an idea. My dad died of cancer 10 years ago when I was a teenager and it's been a constant void in my life that I have never felt filled. I have a 9 month old baby and a wonderfully su... View more

Hello, I don't know how to start so I guess the title should give an idea. My dad died of cancer 10 years ago when I was a teenager and it's been a constant void in my life that I have never felt filled. I have a 9 month old baby and a wonderfully supportive partner who helps me a lot with our baby. And I'm aware that I'm lucky. But I am really struggling. There are the thoughts of, my dad never got to tell me whether he approved of my partner, he never got to congratulate me on my new family, kiss his grandchild or give me hugs for getting through labour safely. I know I have my mum, and she's doing everything that he would have done also. But it's not the same. I love her and I have a huge fear of losing her now because of my dad dying. She helps me so much, I'm so grateful. I just miss him, I have forgotten how his voice sounds because his voice mail has been disconnected. I miss his hugs and his smell. He used to smoke so I took up smoking just to feel closer to him and to smell it but gave it up for my baby and family. I go to therapy fortnightly but I have no other coping mechanism. I thought maybe having a family of my own, a little human that comes with a lot of responsibility would help me fill his void. It doesn't. I love my family, and I miss my dad. I wish he was here still. I feel lost without him and I feel like bearing this pain for the rest of my life will become more suffocating since I keep making impulsive decisions because I want to ease the pain somehow. I have people counting on me now. It's starting to choke me.