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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Butterfly34 Lost my Dad over a year ago and still at a loss
  • replies: 5

Last July I lost my Dad, he was my everything. The last week of his life he was in palliative care - I never left his side that week. There were things I cannot explain, that I saw, smelt and heard especially in his final hours. I was there when he t... View more

Last July I lost my Dad, he was my everything. The last week of his life he was in palliative care - I never left his side that week. There were things I cannot explain, that I saw, smelt and heard especially in his final hours. I was there when he took his last breath and the thing is writing this I am crying because I can see him so clearly, the sounds and feeling a part of me dying right there and then with him. I miss him so much it hurts some days more than others. That's why I am reaching out today for the first time, I don't like asking for help I have always been the one who fixes it for everyone, I don't like opening up but the past couple of days I have been sad and crying on and off. Perhaps its covid and all these restrictions or perhaps it was seeing my Mum in the NH yesterday. I sat with her for a couple of hours, she has frontemporal dementia and yep she is declining and I feel my heart is so heavy at the moment grieving Dad and now grieving for Mum. I am not sure how to get me back - the strong me. I lost myself along time ago and I miss that so much I do not know how to get back there when life had some sense of normality and not constant fear or pain. Thank you for reading this.

Doolhof Memories rattling around in my mind
  • replies: 18

Aren't you over your grief yet? Why are you still sad? Go and buy yourself something to cheer yourself up? Why are you upset on Mother's Day? You can't come to Church this week as we are celebrating so and sos baby and we don't want you there upsetti... View more

Aren't you over your grief yet? Why are you still sad? Go and buy yourself something to cheer yourself up? Why are you upset on Mother's Day? You can't come to Church this week as we are celebrating so and sos baby and we don't want you there upsetting everyone and spoiling their happy moment. My sister in law asked for the maternity dress her parents had given me and wore it to family occasions for both her pregnancies. My husband had given it to her. We were told we couldn't possibly have Christmas at our place as we had no children. I was not invited to my sister in laws children's parties because I had no children. Church people got together for outings, picnics and family gatherings, I had no children so I was not invited. It is not just the loss of life, it is the loss of identity. Believing I am not good enough because my babies died. Did my past pregnancy loss cause these babies to die? How often have I asked myself if I brought this on myself. I tried grief counselling. I was told I was lucky not to have children. Another counsellor told me my babies died, they didn't even exist. Their anniversaries come and go. Last year my Dad died very unexpectedly. Old wounds of grief resurfaced. How do you deal with new grief when you have no idea what to do with the old? I sought counsel from a person I thought might be able to help. I was told "People die. That is what they do". I don't always know what to say to people either when a loved one dies or when they are in emotional pain due to some kind of loss. I just hope I have some compassion and can show sympathy even if I don't have the words to say. Getting these thoughts out of my mind has helped a little. Time to move on with my day.

Keeeks84 A wee bit lost
  • replies: 6

Hi All, I've lost many people in my life. The biggest was my Mum 9 years ago to cancer. I've also lost my 3 Grandparents (my Grandfather passed before I was born) and I lost an Aunty 10 years ago. A work friend was killed by a wreckless driver 3 year... View more

Hi All, I've lost many people in my life. The biggest was my Mum 9 years ago to cancer. I've also lost my 3 Grandparents (my Grandfather passed before I was born) and I lost an Aunty 10 years ago. A work friend was killed by a wreckless driver 3 years ago. So it's been alot. In May this year, my other Aunty passed away. My Aunty was 81 and had a lung disease. She wanted to go but that doesn't make it easier. In her last 4.5 months, we had a schedule to look after her. She didn't want to be in a nursing home so we respected that. I did alot of work and spent alot of time speaking to doctors and social workers to have this organised. We had training at the hospital on how to get her out of bed, how to change her 'nappy' and give her medication. I did a medication schedule and put up 'how to do' sheets in the house in case her sisters and some of my cousins would forget. Then she finally came home. Because I work, I would spend the entire weekend with her alone. My aunties and uncle would take turns doing the week days and my other uncle (we have big family) would do the nights. The weekends I spent there were from Saturday morning until Sunday night and it was hard. You're not sleeping because she's not sleeping. You're worrying about her. Even having to watch her while she eats in case she chokes. Changing nappies and giving medication. She used to tell me and everyone else that I was 'the best one' which made me feel really good. Looking after her was so hard but it was so worth it. I'm proud of what I could do for her. Something I never thought I could. I wasn't there when she passed. It was the day after Mothers day. I had left that night to go home as I had been there all day. I told my uncle i would stay but he told me to go. I wish I was there but I also know she wouldn't have wanted me to be there when she passed. There were things that happened after she passed which I'm not happy about but I will get over that. I know this is what she wanted and now she's at peace and I know I did a good job with her but i still get anxious about it...did I do enough? Could I have done more? I'm just a little lost. We have a tradition where we have a 40 day mass after the funeral. However, due to covid, we couldn't do that. I feel crap even though i dont have control over it. But she was very traditional and unfortunately we couldn't do what she would have wanted.

Catsandcomics Loss of a beloved pet
  • replies: 1

On Thursday evening, we found our beautiful cat had passed away in our home. It was very sudden and unexpected. The last several days have been extremely tough, and my husband and I both have depression and anxiety. We have another cat, which comes f... View more

On Thursday evening, we found our beautiful cat had passed away in our home. It was very sudden and unexpected. The last several days have been extremely tough, and my husband and I both have depression and anxiety. We have another cat, which comes from the same litter, who had spent over nine years with her brother and my anxiety is making me so scared of losing her too. I keep crying and feel so lost. He was a larger than life cat who was extremely people centric, and clingy so we attended to his every need like parents do with a child. I am a very needy person myself, often craving affection and attention as I lost my father at the age of 5 and was very close to him, and have struggled to move on. Our cat would snuggle and purr loudly, and spend most the time following us around. It provided lots of comfort and attended to my own insecurities. His sibling is very sweet natured and will play and rub against you and enjoys sleeping on humans for warmth, but she is far more independent (dare I say much more well adjusted?) and I get sad knowing that the endless cuddles and attention are no longer around. There's a small part of me that just wants to get a kitten ASAP, but I know that wouldn't be right and it might upset her. As we are in lockdown in Sydney, and have been living in one of the restricted LGAs the things I would normally do to distract myself are not around, as I would go out and catch up with friends or do day trips to distract myself. My husband can spend hours playing video games etc, I can't do that. I do lots of arts and crafts but I need to be in the right mood to get into it.

Munchkin2311 Need ideas to help 99 year old grandfather deal with loss of wife
  • replies: 2

Hi, My 99 year old grandfather recently lost his wife of 76 years. He is having a hard time dealing with suddenly living alone. He has never been alone, and is struggling. Does anyone have any idea about how he can deal with his grief. He has no frie... View more

Hi, My 99 year old grandfather recently lost his wife of 76 years. He is having a hard time dealing with suddenly living alone. He has never been alone, and is struggling. Does anyone have any idea about how he can deal with his grief. He has no friends as they have all passed on. We as a family are doing what we can but we cant be with him 24/7 and he doesnt want to leave home. Thanks Muchkin2311

Katie27422 I lost my Nan to cancer
  • replies: 3

She was my favourite person in the whole world and the last month without her has been so stressful I cant focus on school anymore and I often find myself reading my old messages with her and crying. Yesterday my teacher saw me upset and asked me wha... View more

She was my favourite person in the whole world and the last month without her has been so stressful I cant focus on school anymore and I often find myself reading my old messages with her and crying. Yesterday my teacher saw me upset and asked me what was going on and i just broke down infront of her and my entire class

Leeroyo1 My sisters boyfriend passed away
  • replies: 3

My sister texted me this morning that her boyfriend had passed away. They had gotten close in 2020, and drifted apart. He had previously been hospitalised with drug / alcohol problems. He was only 38, and l don't know much information, but l believe ... View more

My sister texted me this morning that her boyfriend had passed away. They had gotten close in 2020, and drifted apart. He had previously been hospitalised with drug / alcohol problems. He was only 38, and l don't know much information, but l believe that his death was alcohol related. My sister was worried when she tried to ring him, and her calls were going straight to messagebank. She managed to contact a family member through social media, and the family member informed my sister that he had passed away. I have been around at my sisters all day looking after her 8 year old daughter. My sister has been distraught all day, and l have mainly been with her daughter. It was distressing to see my sister so upset. And obviously, my sister couldn't say too much to me with her daughter there. My sister has an amicable relationship with her ex husband, and he came around to help with his daughters bed time routine. When her ex husband came over, l drove home at my sisters request. It has been a traumatic day, and l have been texting my sister. She says she is ok, and doesn't want to talk because she is exhausted. I never met her boyfriend, but it is so sad. He has an ex wife, and children whom are quite young. Now l am home, and trying to emotionally process the afternoon. I wish my sister felt like talking to me, and l wish l could reach out to her. But she is dealing with her grief in her own way. I also suffer with anxiety, and now l am at home, wide awake and trying to relax. I am going to see my sister tomorrow, so l will give her some time. From what l can gather the relationship was on again / off again, but my sister said that the moments they shared together were very special to her, and she loved him. It is so very sad. My sister also doesn't know his family very well, which makes things hard.

Sommer Duck
  • replies: 2

I lost an Uncle, who was like another father to me around 4 years ago and it was sudden. He left to go and cut wood and never came home. I can still remember the phone call from my mum, i have never been able to get over this, i know from that day i ... View more

I lost an Uncle, who was like another father to me around 4 years ago and it was sudden. He left to go and cut wood and never came home. I can still remember the phone call from my mum, i have never been able to get over this, i know from that day i haven't been myself and not sure how to? Any ideas? He was someone who had been in my life from the day i was born, he wasn't suppose to die, he was always going to be in my life. I don't have the answers, and i feel lost many days, i feel cheated. I didn't go to his funeral, i couldn't because i didn't believe it was real i guess. To this day, i still look for him in places he loved, i can still hear his last words to me and see him walking up the street to his house. I just don't see why the world had to take him

Fresh_static_snow TW: Suicide. My 29 year old brother took his life a few days ago.
  • replies: 5

I am feeling a lot of guilt around my brothers suicide. I know this is common, and I know I'm being too harsh on myself. We had spoken a few hours previously, about nothing important, just a bit of banter on a group chat with my sister. A few hours l... View more

I am feeling a lot of guilt around my brothers suicide. I know this is common, and I know I'm being too harsh on myself. We had spoken a few hours previously, about nothing important, just a bit of banter on a group chat with my sister. A few hours later, out of the blue he sent a message saying "sorry.", and I don't remember if i saw it that night or not, before I went to sleep. I keep thinking that it flashed on the screen and he must have been apologising for saying something he thought was 'too much' whether it be a joke or him expressing his feelings. All that I do know is that when i finally acknowledged the message, it was too late. He had taken his life sometime while I was asleep. He was 29 years old, very smart, and very driven. We had lost our father to a motorcycle accident early 2019, they were best friends, and he had taken it very hard. He was also going through separation with his partner of 8 years, and was also struggling with his career. I know he had been going through a lot, but I didn't like pressuring him too much to seek help because he was a bit stubborn and hated being told what to do. Looking back through messages he had sent me though, the warning signs for suicide were there, I just read them as depression. He always apologised for expressing his feelings, I always told him it was more than okay, but he still felt like a burden no matter how many times I tried to explain I wanted to help. I had previously taken a few weeks off work for my mental health, and I feel this may had stopped him from opening up - maybe he didn't want me to worry or didn't want to add to my problems. But I'm the kind of person who wants to help no matter what. I keep thinking that if I had just seen his message, maybe I could have gotten him to hold on for a little longer, which I know is selfish of me because he was obviously in so much pain. I love him, and miss him so much, and the empath in me wishes I could have taken all his pain away. He was too young. Please look after each other. Please seek help if you feel you need it. You are not a burden.

FridaysChild Death of my 97 year old Mum 2 days ago
  • replies: 9

It’s Saturday today. On Tuesday my Mum had a massive stroke. On Thursday at 00:18 she died - exactly 12 months to the day after moving into residential aged care. I was with her the first day of her stroke all day and slept in her room that night lis... View more

It’s Saturday today. On Tuesday my Mum had a massive stroke. On Thursday at 00:18 she died - exactly 12 months to the day after moving into residential aged care. I was with her the first day of her stroke all day and slept in her room that night listening to her struggling to breathe. They got her on morphine pretty quickly - but anyone who talks about palliative care keeping the dying ‘comfortable’ hasn’t had the same experience I have. My sister stayed over the next night because I needed sleep. Mum died at 18 minutes past midnight. I was there the next morning. I don’t know what to feel yet. I think I know what I’m supposed to feel - but I just feel empty and angry. Angry? Yep. Angry. Her death and dying was horrific and ugly. For her it was frightening, painful, humiliating, hideous. She suffered. She didn’t die peacefully - that’s just what I told family members who weren’t there. When I saw her body the morning after she died, I finally understood the meaning of the word ‘corpse’. It was awful. I can’t wrap my head around all of this and there’s been no time to figure out what I feel. We had to deal with the funeral home, pack up her room at the nursing home, try to look after my 98 year old Dad - who’d lost his love and companion of 85 years. I’m so tired my body aches but I can’t sleep. Food doesn’t appeal at all and most of the time I feel sick. I haven’t cried yet. My throat is choked with a hard lump and my head is tight with ache. My eyes are sore. I can’t concentrate and I’m going around in an autopilot daze. I feel empty and lost. I want to cry and grieve for my Mum - but I feel like I can’t. Like I’m stuck in a cruel limbo where the images of her final suffering and her corpse haunt my waking moments. I have a loving and supportive partner, sister, brother, and friend - but it doesn’t help. She’s gone and she’s been there for every day of my 54 year old life. The brutal truth of her death is something that I can’t talk about with most people. I just listen to their well meaning words and remember my own difficulty on similar occasions in knowing what to say. I now know there are no’ right’ words. Or at least that I haven’t heard anything that has really gotten through to me. Though I have support - I still feel alone. Alone and tetherless.