Lost my Dad over a year ago and still at a loss

[Butterfly34]

Last July I lost my Dad, he was my everything. The last week of his life he was in palliative care - I never left his side that week. There were things I cannot explain, that I saw, smelt and heard especially in his final hours. I was there when he took his last breath and the thing is writing this I am crying because I can see him so clearly, the sounds and feeling a part of me dying right there and then with him. I miss him so much it hurts some days more than others. That's why I am reaching out today for the first time, I don't like asking for help I have always been the one who fixes it for everyone, I don't like opening up but the past couple of days I have been sad and crying on and off. Perhaps its covid and all these restrictions or perhaps it was seeing my Mum in the NH yesterday. I sat with her for a couple of hours, she has frontemporal dementia and yep she is declining and I feel my heart is so heavy at the moment grieving Dad and now grieving for Mum. I am not sure how to get me back - the strong me. I lost myself along time ago and I miss that so much I do not know how to get back there when life had some sense of normality and not constant fear or pain. Thank you for reading this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Butterfly34, 

We're so sorry to hear of your loss. We can hear how important he was to you, and this must be incredibly hard. We're really glad you could open up, and we want you to know that you can talk about this, we're listening. You've been really brave in sharing it here, and we don't want you to feel alone with this.  

Grief is something that takes time to work through, so we hope you can be kind to yourself. While everyone finds their own way to grieve it's important to have the support of friends and family, or perhaps a counsellor, and to talk about your loss when you need to. Where grief begins to get in the way of how you live, work, share relationships or live day-to-day, then it's important to get support or professional help. 

Are you receiving any counselling or support currently? We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Griefline on 1300 845 745. Griefline provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.  

We hope you can find some comfort on the forums, hopefully some of the lovely members of this community will be along soon, some of whom will be able to relate to what you're going through. Please keep sharing, whenever you feel comfortable to. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M  

[Butterfly34]

Thank you Sophie might just try and get the courage to call the Griefline think its time I tried to work this out.

[Keeeks84]

Oh my heart is bleeding for you. I lost my Mum 9 years ago the same way. How you described pallative care is accurate. It's just...yeah. I'm the same as you where I am the fixer so asking for help is hard because you're the one that IS the help.
I found myself doing things my mum loved. Singing loudly in the car, randomly singing bad opera in the house while cleaning dishes. Just things that she did that made me laugh. That's what helps me.

Your subject said 'still at a loss' - 9 years on and I am still at a loss with my Mum. If i'm honest, I don't think you ever won't be at a loss. Losing a parent is hard! Eventually you learn how to go on without them but the hurt is always there. With your Mum now, i couldn't imagine having to deal with what she's going through and grieving the loss of your Dad.

Write down the things your Dad liked. And write down the things you did together and start doing them. It helped me and I hope it can help you xx

[Croix]

Dear Butterfly34~

I'd like to join Sophie_M and Keeeks84 in welcoming you here. They have given good advice and yes, please do give Griefline a ring. It won't answer everything but may say something that helps.

It's surprising what does help and where it comes from. My first wife spent 9 months in hospital before she passed away. I was there all that time and it was one of those situations where a decision has to be made to turn things off. I always felt guilty from then on even thought I knew it was the only caring thing to do.

Mare recently someone said to me "Look at it this way, you are taking some of her pain on your shoulders". Now that really has helped - another person's wisdom.

So like your dad, and now you mum, you have a whole load of images of them in your mind, images of their lives drawing to a close. I was the same.

Other images will come, as new events in your life 'paper over' your grief with fresh problems, wins and losses. The good as well as the bad memories will emerge. I can picture my wife and I laughing, or more properly trying to keep straight faces as we teased a kid. I enjoy that memory unreservedly now.

There is no set timescale for greif, and also the talk of there being a number of stages is all very well, but not that accurate - everyone is different.

Do you have other family members, siblings or friends, you can talk with and let them listen, not trying to fix things or make suggestions, just leaving you feel cared for.

Going it alone is extra hard.

You do not have to get the old me back, that person is still inside you, the go-to person people went to to get thing fixed or get help is inside you still, and it will re-emerge. Your help will be all the better as you will understand more of life's trials.

Try to find the times you shared in happiness, not easy right now I know, but let those images mix with the ones in your head now. That's where I'm at and I'm happy, though can still feel sad sometimes at the loss.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[Misskitkat]

Ive recently just lost my dad. He was absolutely everything to me. I would like to say I understand what you are going through but I don't even know how to myself yet. This comment is the second thing I've posted of this forum and I have no idea how it works.

But you are doing so great and you have made it this far, you can keep going! I would like to talk to some about me greif just not sure how. I believe in you ☺️