Memories rattling around in my mind

[Doolhof]

Aren't you over your grief yet?

Why are you still sad? Go and buy yourself something to cheer yourself up?

Why are you upset on Mother's Day?

You can't come to Church this week as we are celebrating so and sos baby and we don't want you there upsetting everyone and spoiling their happy moment.

My sister in law asked for the maternity dress her parents had given me and wore it to family occasions for both her pregnancies. My husband had given it to her.

We were told we couldn't possibly have Christmas at our place as we had no children.

I was not invited to my sister in laws children's parties because I had no children.

Church people got together for outings, picnics and family gatherings, I had no children so I was not invited.

It is not just the loss of life, it is the loss of identity. Believing I am not good enough because my babies died.

Did my past pregnancy loss cause these babies to die? How often have I asked myself if I brought this on myself.

I tried grief counselling. I was told I was lucky not to have children. Another counsellor told me my babies died, they didn't even exist.

Their anniversaries come and go.

Last year my Dad died very unexpectedly. Old wounds of grief resurfaced. How do you deal with new grief when you have no idea what to do with the old?

I sought counsel from a person I thought might be able to help. I was told "People die. That is what they do".

I don't always know what to say to people either when a loved one dies or when they are in emotional pain due to some kind of loss. I just hope I have some compassion and can show sympathy even if I don't have the words to say.

Getting these thoughts out of my mind has helped a little. Time to move on with my day.

[Croix]

Dear Mrs Dools~

There is not much I can say.

You have had tragedies in your life and the loss and grief does not subside. In part at least it is due to insensitive and non-understanding people who are not trying to make up for them, in fact not giving you the simple thoughtfulness and care you need

Of course you are sensitive to this and see them clearly by their actions, having your feelings basically ignored rather than comforted.

I always regard you as a resilient person -an example to follow. you have strategies you probably don't even think about that help, work at a thrift shop for a while, going for a walk and seeing all around you -plus much more

I hope the day turns out well.

Croix

You would know what to say to someone to comfort them, you would be wise enough to often just sit beside them, no words needed or spoken

Plus you have a lousy choice of counselors, they deal in words, and you can see more than that -care and commitment -are needed.

[Hanna3]

Dools I'm just bookmarking you here as I wanted to say something yesterday and lost this thread. Back later and I'm so sorry people have been so insensitive to you. Hugs.

[Doolhof]

Hi Croix and Hanna,

Thanks.

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

I couldn't have children so I really do understand what you describe here!

I will reply properly later but there is a TEDx talk on utube called The lost tribe of childless women. It really is worth listening to.

Sending big hugs in the meantime! I'll be in touch later today. 💖🌸🌻🌿💐

[jtjt_4862]

Heya Doolhof,

Reaching out to you to let you know that I'm listening, and really sorry to hear about what the memories that are still rattling in your mind.

I do agree that it's hard to know what to say to someone who have lost someone very dear to them. I remember I was trying to comfort a friend of mine who have lost her step mother. She lives in the other side of the world, and was not able to see her step mom whom she had loved very much. She felt a great sense of guilt and shame for not being able to spend time with her mom, and there was so much more going on in her life at that time. While I thought words of reminding her how much her step mom loves her, unfortunately that did not seem like the right words to comfort her because she told me a lot of friends had said the same thing, and she was sick of hearing it. It has taught me that, sometimes the words that we think others want to hear, might not be the right words for them. And perhaps the best kind of support, is to just be there to listen to them quietly, and encourage them to talk about it.

Happy to chat with you more Doolhof, my thoughts are with you.

Jt

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

If you're able to listen to that talk I hope you might find what she says helpful and know that you're not alone in your experiences.

My mother died of cancer when I was about 18. After that I had full care of my ill father until he died in front of me when I had just had surgery for a condition which meant that I could never have children.

I came to terms with the loss of my parents long ago. The childlessness has been aong term grief.

I don't know how your babies died. I am sorry.

I've found people often insensitive about my childlessness and it's meant I was not accepted by my family. I was often left out of family gatherings.

I once read a story by a woman who was unable to have children who went to church on Mothering Sunday and every woman who was a mother was given a white flower, but she was told because she had no children she could not have a flower.

She said she went home and wept.

There are many ways to nurture. You can nurture your friendships, your garden, your pets....

You are no less worthwhile because you don't have children. You have had a lot of grief in your life.

I guess that grief is something we have to live with but it doesn't mean we don't have times when it hits us again and again.

Be gentle with yourself. You sound a kind and gentle person. This world needs such people in it.

Hugs. 🌻🌿💐

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Oh Dools 🌻

your first line hit me hard and I have tears for us both. People do seem to think there’s a time to stop grieving and a time to stop talking about it, but I don’t think that’s true. Any kind of loss needs to be managed in the best way we can. Why aren’t people more empathetic? I’m glad you shared and found a little solace in getting the words out.

More hugs, Katy

[quirkywords]

Dools, Definitely no use by date for grief and appalled at how you have been treated over th years. Your grief is triggered many times a year.

Thinking of you

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

You are so right that grief does not have a use by date. I have some resources available now, I need to use them. Hopefully I can find ways to sit with the grief and the memories, to let go of the hurtful words of others and re-shape how I think about myself and how I define my role in life.

Grief can express itself in so many ways for a variety of reasons.

Thanks Quirky.